How should I handle a backstabbing friend/colleague?

[Biscous]

I work at a large company but it is a lax environment and there are a lot of friendly people. With that said, I like to stay very private.

 

I had a friend of mine that I've known for the majority of the time I've lived in Texas which has been about two and a half years. She knows about my long distance relationship, the break up that occurred and how much it affected me, and I felt really close to her, like her being an older sister.

 

Moving forward I am dating a girl that I'm just not as into. I'm still feeling it out. I think she can be a bit more emotional and wants more time than I'm willing to give at this phase of my life. Great girl but there are some concerns of mine and I concede maybe some of this is me.

 

I told my female friend this in confidence about the girl I'm dating. She tends to ask "How's your love life?" when I'm around her, especially that I have been single for some time.

 

Long story short the girl I'm seeing ran into my female friend, my female friend got drunk and started asking her questions about me:

 

"Why are you seeing B?"

"What do you see in him?"

"You deserve better!"

 

I caught wind of this from the girl I'm dating. She wasn't upset with what she heard, just how she threw me under the bus. My female friend even stated that I never said anything negative about the girl or demeaning, just concerns of mine in confidence and questions moving forward.

 

This pisses me off because I've been around this girl's family, I know her boyfriend, and again I thought she was close. But she now exposed her self as an obnoxious trashy know it all who knows who should be with who and threw me under the bus. I have no idea what provoked this.

 

I think I should remain silent, but I feel that I need to tell her up front. Thoughts?

[GorillaTheater]

Thoughts?

 

1. Don't say anything about your private life at work that you wouldn't want to see on the front page of the local paper.

 

2. Confront your work "friend" or not (I probably wouldn't waste my time), but I wouldn't talk to her again unless absolutely necessary, unless you want to bang her, because ...

 

3. The odds are pretty good that work "friend" wants to bang you. Even though she won't be able to keep her mouth shut should it happen.

[Biscous]

1. Don't say anything about your private life at work that you wouldn't want to see on the front page of the local paper.

 

2. Confront your work "friend" or not (I probably wouldn't waste my time), but I wouldn't talk to her again unless absolutely necessary, unless you want to bang her, because ...

 

3. The odds are pretty good that work "friend" wants to bang you. Even though she won't be able to keep her mouth shut should it happen.

 

I would believe #3 is somewhat logical but she vehemently has told people, including myself, that she's only into white guys. I'm black, yet she has said more than once when I was single I shouldn't have a problem getting a girl, even tried hooking me up with her cousin but I wasn't interested.

 

I more than likely will keep the course I'm at and not say anything.

[preraph]

Work friendships can be tricky. Well, I think your only recourse is to act like you like her but tell her zero about your love life or anything else you don't want passed around.

[freestyle]

I've lived through a similar scenario.

Except I was (am) the girlfriend.

The very 1st time I met this long-standing female friend of my significant other (SO) she pulled the same bs with me.

 

As soon as he was out of earshot--she started interrogating me, & trying a little *too* hard to talk me out of being in the relationship.

 

(ummmm, nice to meet you too??)

 

She even started talking trash about him, she was determined to change my opinion of him.

 

My head was spinning--this was someone I'd never even met---but she was presumptuous enough to think she knew what was best for me?!?!?!

 

 

The more I thought about it, after the fact---she basically committed a huge boundary violation, not just against me--but against my SO--(who was under the impression they were tight friends)

 

Opposite sex friendships can be very, very tricky at times.

Your friend broke the number one rule:

 

"Thou shalt NOT make any sort of waves in your friend's love life."

 

She demonstrated a massive amount of disrespect for you, by doing what she did.

 

Her motives? Most likely, she's into you, boyfriend, or no.

She might view you as the backburner guy, who'd better be on standby, in case things go south with her current guy.

 

Or--she might simply be the type who like to create drama--if she screws up your relationship, she can swoop in to 'rescue' you, after the fact.

 

The motives aren't what matter, though--it's the boundary violation.

 

Since you have to work with her, I'd keep it to a medium chill response,

when you have to interact with her. Don't discuss anything personal, whatsoever, talk about the weather, or any mundane topic. Her actions have demonstrated that your secrets are NOT safe with her.

[whichwayisup]

I work at a large company but it is a lax environment and there are a lot of friendly people. With that said, I like to stay very private.

 

I had a friend of mine that I've known for the majority of the time I've lived in Texas which has been about two and a half years. She knows about my long distance relationship, the break up that occurred and how much it affected me, and I felt really close to her, like her being an older sister.

 

Moving forward I am dating a girl that I'm just not as into. I'm still feeling it out. I think she can be a bit more emotional and wants more time than I'm willing to give at this phase of my life. Great girl but there are some concerns of mine and I concede maybe some of this is me.

 

I told my female friend this in confidence about the girl I'm dating. She tends to ask "How's your love life?" when I'm around her, especially that I have been single for some time.

 

Long story short the girl I'm seeing ran into my female friend, my female friend got drunk and started asking her questions about me:

 

"Why are you seeing B?"

"What do you see in him?"

"You deserve better!"

 

I caught wind of this from the girl I'm dating. She wasn't upset with what she heard, just how she threw me under the bus. My female friend even stated that I never said anything negative about the girl or demeaning, just concerns of mine in confidence and questions moving forward.

 

This pisses me off because I've been around this girl's family, I know her boyfriend, and again I thought she was close. But she now exposed her self as an obnoxious trashy know it all who knows who should be with who and threw me under the bus. I have no idea what provoked this.

 

I think I should remain silent, but I feel that I need to tell her up front. Thoughts?

 

I think since you classify her as a friend and you've confided in her, let her know that she should not have poked her nose into your personal life like that and asked questions and advised your gf that she could do better. That's low.

 

Or, just don't ever confide in her again, let her approach you and next time she asks about your personal life, tell her that she has a big mouth and you don't appreciate her speaking to your gf and throwing you under the bus.

 

it's hard to trust a so called friend after that - And, fact that she is justifying it is wrong too.

[Biscous]

Thanks guys.

[VeronicaRoss]

Well at least she didn't lie!

 

The best thing to do at work is not let anyone know you're mad at them, but change your behavior and back away. You never know who will become your boss or work for you, so think long-term and take it as a lesson learned about herself and yourself and move on. Especially in a large company.

 

Deflect her questions, smile briefly and say your love life is fine, sorry you've got to run or finish something for a deadline.

 

Some people when they know you are not happy with them will go on the offense, and it gets worse. I hate to say this, but particularly women.

 

She knows what she did. It's not your problem anymore.

[90s kid]

The best thing to do at work is not let anyone know you're mad at them, but change your behavior and back away. You never know who will become your boss or work for you, so think long-term and take it as a lesson learned about herself and yourself and move on. Especially in a large company.

 

Deflect her questions, smile briefly and say your love life is fine, sorry you've got to run or finish something for a deadline.

 

Some people when they know you are not happy with them will go on the offense, and it gets worse. I hate to say this, but particularly women.

 

 

This is great advice. Since you have to work with her, I would avoid a big confrontation. Instead, take it as a lesson that she's not a true friend and can't be trusted. Distance yourself and don't confide in her about your personal life anymore.