I'm Struggling to Make New Female Friends

[nescafe1982]

Hi everyone,

 

After a coast-to-coast move to California last October, I have been settling in and trying to make some new friends locally. I don't have a 9-to-5 job (I'm a writer), so I'm basically lack any ready-made setting to be social. Having friends to spend time with is very important to me, so I'm up to the challenge of getting to know folks here in all kinds of ways: Meetups, Church, volunteering, etc. I'm making slower progress than I hoped for, though, and I keep running into a problem.

 

I am having a hard time getting to know any women, in particular.

 

I'm female, 31, in a long-term relationship. I like hanging out with the guys (and it's pretty easy to make friends with men), but I struggle to meet and get to know women among my peers. I'm starting to wonder if I'm doing something wrong.

 

Last night, for instance, I went out with a running group (mixed group, although women outnumbered men); afterwards, we went out to dinner. It was a pretty nice time overall, but I frequently felt like the women in my immediate seating area all wanted to be somewhere else: they talked among one another, resisted my "get to know you" questions, and were generally sort of "closed" towards me (like shifty-eyes, body language turned away, passive stuff like that which seemed to communicate they didn't want to interact). After a half hour of trying to break the ice, I chatted with one of the guys there (who was much friendlier and more receptive to me) and politely took my leave.

 

I left feeling strange about the whole thing. I genuinely feel like I was friendly, personable, and was trying to engage these women nicely... and they weren't mean to me. Just completely disinterested. The thing is, this has happened a lot since I've come to California. It leaves me feeling so insecure: is it me? Is it these women? Is there a culture clash I'm not aware of? Does it just take having friends to make more friends? What's the deal?

 

I come from a background where I had lots of good female friends and I value having as many women in my life as possible. I've never encountered the kind of frosty reception I get again and again in my new locale.

 

So, perhaps some of you can help me brainstorm ideas for how to make female friends? I'm open to trying anything, seriously. What should I incorporate in my approach to improve how I interact with my female peers?

 

Thanks for reading!

[d0nnivain]

Women suck. Adult women can be very catty / clicky & closed off to new friends. It's hard to make friends as an adult. Keep being friendly to the runners. They will most likely come around but sometimes it's hard to break into the group.

 

 

What about a writing group? Somebody else also seeking support may be more open to a friendship. I met most of the good friends I have now in a business support group I joined when I opened my own company.

 

 

Are you an alumnae of anything? Can you get in touch with them because you'd already have a common interest.

[gaius]

Are you more attractive than they are? More financially successful? Could always try playing it down if you are. My grandmother moved into senior housing a while back and she's had issue making friends. I think some of it has to do with her having a brand new car while most of them don't have one at all.

[xxoo]

In this group of runners, were any of the men and women mingling? You might have more luck approaching a mixed group, rather than a group of women.

 

I can't imagine, though. I'm such a caretaker personality, I gravitate toward the new person who looks lonely and try to include her as much as possible, introducing people to her, etc. What's their problem??

[gaius]

In this group of runners, were any of the men and women mingling? You might have more luck approaching a mixed group, rather than a group of women.

 

I can't imagine, though. I'm such a caretaker personality, I gravitate toward the new person who looks lonely and try to include her as much as possible, introducing people to her, etc. What's their problem??

I think I remember one time nes saying that the guy she's with is a bit wealthy, so I could see them all spurning her if she's rolling up in a Porsche while they're all driving Toyotas or having a purse leagues better than theirs. You're right, usually there's at least one in the group that will be warm so it makes me think it might be something deeper

[writergal]

OP, why don't you treat your situation as social research for an article about coastal moving and making new friends? Compare and contrast the social scene (the one you came from to the new one; what are the similarities, the differences, etc. use the running group as an example in the article). Or start a blog and comment on your new surroundings, or send it to the Huffington Post.

 

The one advantage you have that most who make such moves don't, is that you have a long-term significant other as your social buffer and safety net, whereas if you make that kind of move as a single person you have to contend with the isolation and loneliness by yourself because the only buffer you may have is a pet, or an addiction (sorry, but for some people that happens).

 

Give yourself time to transition socially. You can't make BFF's over night. I don't know what the people on the West Coast are like socially. Here in the Midwest people are nice to your face but talk about you behind your back, and they are very exclusive socially; you have to exude a tremendous amount of patience with Midwestern folk to earn their trust before they let you into their inner circle. Midwestern folk are very polite, but not friendly if you know what I mean.

[nescafe1982]

I think I remember one time nes saying that the guy she's with is a bit wealthy, so I could see them all spurning her if she's rolling up in a Porsche while they're all driving Toyotas or having a purse leagues better than theirs. You're right, usually there's at least one in the group that will be warm so it makes me think it might be something deeper

 

Well, I rolled up in the used Nissan I bought for myself, and trust me, brands aren't my thing. My BF does well money wise, but I don't flaunt it much (heck, it's not even my money!). So it's not that. One woman did snipe me about having my PhD, but aside from that (and that is typical, sadly), I don't think there was anything I was flaunting.

 

I think I may have just ended up sitting with the clique in the running group; we were at a restaurant and I simply picked the closest seat, which put me in their territory. The visit really wasn't so bad... as I said, they weren't *mean* at all... just not very nice either.

 

I do wonder, though, if it has less to do with my income or looks and more to do with my unconventional job. I'm not a computer programmer or software engineer in a sea of them; maybe that simply limits what we can discuss.

 

I heard about "Minnesota nice," and how the Midwest works.... maddening. I'm sort of wondering if Cali has a similar culture. I'm originally from Georgia, where we, um, are friendly all the time and say what we mean. Sometimes that makes people from elsewhere think I'm crass.... especially when I was in lily-white Boston (where they never say anything unless it's fighting words). I've toned down my tendency to just blurt out whatever awkward thing comes to mind, but I think maybe I come off as too, erm, unsophisticated? I don't know.

 

I think XOXO is right though... maybe I need to find a more mixed group. Perhaps it's telling that in a "mixed company" setting like this runners group, these four women sat opposite the men at the other end of the table (save the one new guy who sat next to me).

[nescafe1982]

 

The one advantage you have that most who make such moves don't, is that you have a long-term significant other as your social buffer and safety net, whereas if you make that kind of move as a single person you have to contend with the isolation and loneliness by yourself because the only buffer you may have is a pet, or an addiction (sorry, but for some people that happens).

 

You're right. And having made a cross-country move alone before, I can say it's precisely 1 million times easier with a man like mine in my life.

 

I think I put myself under a lot of pressure to "get out there" because I don't have the conventional spaces to mingle with peers: work, school, etc. That, and in the past I've seen couples go south when one or both parties does not maintain an independent social life.

 

It's frustrating, having been here four months and not found my "space" yet. But in the grand scheme of things, 4 months isn't a long time. Thanks for the reminder!

[Treasa]

In this group of runners, were any of the men and women mingling? You might have more luck approaching a mixed group, rather than a group of women.

 

I can't imagine, though. I'm such a caretaker personality, I gravitate toward the new person who looks lonely and try to include her as much as possible, introducing people to her, etc. What's their problem??

 

Ha, me too. If I were to see someone new/alone, ESPECIALLY if it were a woman, I'd be all over that.

 

"Hi! I'm Traci. It's so great to meet you. Are you new..?"

 

In 30 minutes I'd have your life story and you'd be one of my best friends.

 

Not all women are catty. I'm in my 30s and have more female friends now than I've ever had before in my life. It's awesome.

[writergal]

Yeah, the Midwest is brutal on the social life depending on what state you live in. Minnesota is all about cliques and "Minnesota Nice." Chicago is awesome b/c people there tell you exactly what they think, when they think it. There's no guess work involved, like there is with people in Minnesota.