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My friends struggle with infidelity.


cozycottagelg

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cozycottagelg

One of my good friends had a D-day about 2.5 years ago. Since then her husband has been very remorseful and she admittedly says that he does everything he can to prove he is sorry and that she is the one he wants to be with.

 

Her issue is that she can't seem to get over it. We were talking last night (I told her to join the forum but she is reluctant)..and she said he was on his cell phone when she came back from the store and her first reaction was to yell "who are you talking to? your girlfriend??" and she hates that she does this. It wasn't like he was hiding his phone, he was standing at the kitchen counter looking at it..as anyone would..

 

She has sent the OW a few messages on FB, threatening her that she will tell the husband (she doesn't know this OW well and the husband could very well know...she is speculating).. and she hates this behavior too.

 

She says she feels like she is going to lose him because of her anger. And she also wonders if it's even worth staying with him if she can't even go a week without making a comment to him about the affair.

 

My gut reaction is to tell her to walk away because it's been almost 3 years and the pain is as real as the day she found out...

 

I know from reading this forum that the BS has a "right" to feel this way and you can't put a time line on R...but is there a point where you know it just isn't going to work? I feel like she has wasted the last 3 years of her life. Her husband is a really great guy (other than the A..obviously) and they make a good couple...but I sort of wonder why she is there. They don't have children..

 

I try to put myself in both their shoes and I see both sides...but I feel like if I cheated and my spouse chose to R...at the 2.5 year mark I'd expect to not still be paying for it.

 

I don't know...thoughts??

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Have they tried counseling? I found out my wife did the same to me about 6 months ago and it still haunts me every now and then but it's getting less and less. I hate to think I will feel this way in 3 years. My wife and I never separated to gain some space, something that a lot of people recommend but we do have children and we both are doing our best to keep what happened from them.

If he has done everything that she wants him to do there must be something unresolved that bothers her. If she is that close of a friend maybe you should try and talk her though it and then see if they will sit down and let her hammer him with questions. She might be holding on to something. Some people just need to know everything, all the dirty facts.

I don't feel like I am holding on to anything because my wife told me everything, I even went down to how long he lasted, positions, who had a bigger penis, etc. She answered hurtfully and I feel honestly about everything. I knew some details because I caught her and started spying before I confronted her, I tested her on a lot of this knowledge that I had and she was honest.

 

Maybe let her stay with you for a little while, have a girls weekend or week or something. Go out and have a lot of fun but nothing that's regrettable if you know what I mean. He's still doing something that's bothering her even thought it might not be bad but it's getting to her. My wife and I are still trying, she's being a bitch and I'm not always being the best but at the end of the night we usually have a deep conversation and it brings us back together.

 

If she's hurting this bad, even if she leaves him and loves him it will still bug the **** out of her. Something sounds unresolved.

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Charlie Harper

Some people, just can't let go...

 

Being unfaithful, losing a Job, a career, a close one, money, a stolen car or goods, feeling betrayed ....you name it.

 

Some things require longer "mourning" death of someone you loved or a Son are the most difficult ones, but some of us hold even to the smaller things in life, and the PAST do not let us live and ENJOY the PRESENT.

 

If she can´t let go, she needs to get help, baceuse one day she will be dumped for good and no amount of begging will make him come back. In fact her behavior is encouraging him to find acceptance...

 

my 2 pesos.

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Two things have to happen for them to survive as a couple: counseling and transparency. If he wants her to trust him again, he will be counseled to be completely transparent until she trusts him again. If he's not willing, he doesn't really want to stay together bad enough. But if he does the work and does his best, then counseling will help her get past it.

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I'm almost 3 years past my Dday and if I were still with my wife, I'm sure I wouldn't yet be over it. Standard wisdom is that it takes 2-5 years. Many people say that the second year was worse than the first. What she's going thru is fairly normal.

 

I do think that therapy may help her. I had three therapists say that I likely had PTSD. She should probably discuss that precise issue with a counselor.

 

I would also make sure that her H is being as proactive as possible and that she is not hesitating to ask for what she needs. It's common for BSs to try to choke down anger on their own to prevent from sabotaging the marriage with a remorseful WS. But, that well-intentioned conflict-avoidance can lead to resentment that comes out in a less controlled fashion than if she had just dealt with each issue individually.

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