Hopeful30 Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 (edited) On of my current man's friends, we shall call him John, has a girlfriend of two years. I've met John a few months before I met his gf. I'm not close with John but I know he has cheated on his gf before. Recently, John's gf and I have been getting close, and she has confided in me to talk about certain insecurities she is having with John. These insecurities relate to him being in touch with an ex and possible infidelity. You see, everything I know about his cheating happened before I became close with this girl. It's not my business so I never said anything, but now we are becoming good friends and she's confiding in me with her relationship problems. I don't want to flat out say "well he's cheated before so watch out", but at the same time I don't want give advice when I know it would be a bit dishonest. Whatever happens in her relationship is their business, not mine, but she is really struggling with this. As her friend, and as a fellow woman, I feel a particular obligation to tell her what has happened, but at the same time I don't want to be responsible for the end of a relationship (and they love each other, they truly do, John's just an idiot). I don't know what to do Edited January 31, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Moved to most appropriate forum Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 assuming you didnt see it in your own eyes, how do you know he was cheating on his gf? probably you heard someone, who heard from someone, who heard from someone... and maybe the first witness in the chain saw John do something and jumped in to the wrong conclusion? or maby they were not exclusive at that time? etc etc... anything could be possible. all you knowledge comes from rumors and speculations. So you definetly can advise her without mention unestablished rumors. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted January 31, 2014 Author Share Posted January 31, 2014 assuming you didnt see it in your own eyes, how do you know he was cheating on his gf? probably you heard someone, who heard from someone, who heard from someone... and maybe the first witness in the chain saw John do something and jumped in to the wrong conclusion? or maby they were not exclusive at that time? etc etc... anything could be possible. all you knowledge comes from rumors and speculations. So you definetly can advise her without mention unestablished rumors. I saw one incident. I know they are exclusive because they live together. Link to post Share on other sites
mercuryshadow Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 I originally posted this in the cheating section but got 0 responses. Gonna try it out here. On of my current man's friends, we shall call him John, has a girlfriend of two years. I've met John a few months before I met his gf. I'm not close with John but I know he has cheated on his gf before. Recently, John's gf and I have been getting close, and she has confided in me to talk about certain insecurities she is having with John. These insecurities relate to him being in touch with an ex and possible infidelity. You see, everything I know about his cheating happened before I became close with this girl. It's not my business so I never said anything, but now we are becoming good friends and she's confiding in me with her relationship problems. I don't want to flat out say "well he's cheated before so watch out", but at the same time I don't want give advice when I know it would be a bit dishonest. Whatever happens in her relationship is their business, not mine, but she is really struggling with this. As her friend, and as a fellow woman, I feel a particular obligation to tell her what has happened, but at the same time I don't want to be responsible for the end of a relationship (and they love each other, they truly do, John's just an idiot). I don't know what to do With my last ex, while we were still together, the gf of his best friend and I started hanging out a bit, and confiding in one another about our relationships. She happened to know some things about my then bf that I didn't know, and I'd assume it was via my bf's best friend (her bf). She never outright told me that my bf had done things behind my back or lied about some pretty serious things, but instead insisted that I deserved better. I didn't really fully understand at the time what it was that she was trying to accomplish, but I believe she was trying to influence me to leave him on my own accord, and ultimately, after doing some of my own digging and finding out some things on my own, I did leave. If you feel a sense of responsibility to this girl, being that you are becoming close with her, you could try this tactic, as it is a kind of neutral way to influence her to make a decision that would ultimately be best for her in the long run, especially if this guy is a serial cheater. Your wording was a bit unclear, though... was it HER that he cheated on, or a prior girlfriend? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 It's a tough call sometimes. I don't think there is a principle that applies to every situation, but I would default toward not saying anything for several reasons. One, unless you saw it with your own eyes you can't be certain. Second, once it's said it can't be unsaid, but if it remains unsaid while you're unsure, then you have the option should it become clear that it must be said. Third, telling is inserting yourself into their relationship and actively effecting outcomes, which may be unwelcome and it's definitely assuming a huge chunk of responsibility when it's not even clear that there is a right or wrong outcome. Now there are a bunch of hard-liners on LS that will say she deserves to know, but whether she would be better off knowing no one can say, and whether you personally should be the instrument that changes the course of her life is even less known. Consider this possibility... what if she loves him dearly and [with no interference] they were destined to get married, have kids and live happily ever after. But with a word you change all of that and she never finds love again. Would telling her be right simply because you have information that you believe to be true? You can empathize and help her by using reflective listening without going so far as to determine an outcome that you can't be sure is the right outcome for another person. Now, if she ever presses you for any information it would become even more difficult. Having information is a burden. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
georgecostanza Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 It's none of your business, it's in the past and it could cause trouble with you and your boyfriend if, for instance, he and his best friend end up arguing over it. Don't bother. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 It's one thing to keep your nose out of other peoples business. It's quite another to turns blind eye to a request for help and advice from a friend in need. Tell her what you know, or suspect. No hearsay, just what you know and how you know it or who you heard it from. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 IMO, if you have verifiable evidence, merely present it and leave it at that. If other, it can be viewed as unsubstantiated gossip. As an example, her hearing 'John' telling a person (you) or someone else that he has been unfaithful to her would be evidence. Verifiable written contact would be evidence. Pictures of such activities would be evidence, though be careful with that in this digital world as people can be 'put together' in pictures. When in doubt as to the veracity of the evidence, stay out. If you actually saw him 'cheating' in person, remember to use that wonderful video function of your smart phone and present that verifiable evidence to the lady in question. I'm mentioning this because of the power of social gossiping and how it can destroy people's lives. It happens. Be careful. The object in the future could be you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Yookie Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 Don't got dredging up his past discretions unless she point blank asks you about specific incidences. You don't know what was happening in their relationship at that time. At lot of times women can turn a blind eye to the obvious then end up shooting the messenger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted January 31, 2014 Author Share Posted January 31, 2014 was it HER that he cheated on, or a prior girlfriend? He cheated on her. I don't see any relevance if he cheated on a prior girlfriend lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 Keep the past the past. Though if it happens again then tell her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 Oh, what a terrible situation to be in. OP, I'm not certain there is a "right" way to approach this one. I would tell her what I know. There are a lot of people who will say "it's none of my business," but this woman is hurting and it sounds like she's blaming herself for her "insecurities." That's really psychologically destructive.... and if her BF hasn't come clean (even if the behavior is in the past), he's the one putting her through the wringer. I'll be completely honest: I've been this woman. I had a cheating BF, and nearly all my close friends were clued into what was going on. No one said anything. I only found out because the other woman's BF eventually sought me out to tell me. It destroyed me.... not only because I lost my relationship, but because it quickly became apparent that my friends were more concerned about staying mum than they were about my emotional wellbeing. It was absolutely crushing. I stopped speaking to most of the people in my life... and it took months to find my self-confidence again as well as a new group of friends. So take that for what it's worth. This woman will find out, sooner or later. She just will. Infidelity eventually comes out. And it will probably destroy her relationship, shake her confidence, and really, really hurt for a long time. But if this person is your friend, someone you really care about, you are in the (admittedly unenviable) position to be her advocate. And advocates are what a woman who has been cheated on needs. It gets to a point where not saying anything only enables bad behavior and continued emotional pain. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted January 31, 2014 Author Share Posted January 31, 2014 Interesting. I spoke with her again today and she said things were fine. Something tells me she's easy to manipulate, because she said to me "It's amazing how us women can think up so much nonsense! I'm glad I got my **** figured out." Another girlfriend of mine (best friend actually who I love dearly) also is in a relationship like that. She broke it off, but somehow he managed to convince her that SHE was in the wrong because she interpreted what he did "the wrong way". I don't see how interpreting him snooping and then harassing your mother can be taken the "wrong" way, but I'm sick of seeing women get manipulated like this. WTF is wrong with people? I get so irritated when my girlfriends pull such dumb moves and allow themselves to be mentally abused like this. I care about them, I don't want to see them suffer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yookie Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 I get so irritated when my girlfriends pull such dumb moves and allow themselves to be mentally abused like this. I care about them, I don't want to see them suffer. I agree with you and I hate seeing this too but the operative word here is they "allow" it!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 Tough situation, no doubt. But it's individual, in a way. Would your friend prefer to live in the illusion of a happy relationship or would she rather have none at all? If the first, don't. Some people just don't like being confronted, hell there are even wives who've been married for years who allow their husbands affairs just because they want to keep the "proud housewife in a perfect family" status. If the second, run to your phone and demand to meet her immediately. Personally I'm the latter choice, but I'm more of the independant character. Nothing chains me to anyone, not even my heart can do it. Especially not to someone who betrays it. Your girlfriend already spoke of insecurities, and that she's thought about infidelity on his part. And a few days later she's happy again? I bet her guy either managed to convince her that everything's fine or he did that and added a romantic night to it. And about the friendship part between you two; the more close you two are, the more I'd advise you to tell her to be honest. Her relationship is already going to her head and I think I'd want my best friend to be that honest with me, especially after speaking out my fears. I only had an almost similar experience when the favourite pony of my best friend died and I rushed home to call her before she'd get the news out of the blue by so called "stable mates" who would have loved to see her cry. At first she was angry, of course, and asked me why I'd tell her that. I explained her why and only a few hours later she was incredibly thankful for my 'warning', turned out many of the kids there approached her with the sad news and put lots of emotional pressure on her to get a reaction out of her. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 In your shoes, I wouldn't say anything to her. I would say it all - TO HIM. Tell him what you know for sure, and that she has voiced concerns to you. You said nothing, and don't intend to, but if you get one more whiff of this, you will let him know, and give him 1 day to discuss it with her. Or else, you will. This is, of course entirely dependent on how strongly you really feel about the matter, and if you feel it would be productive, or Counter-so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 In your shoes, I wouldn't say anything to her. I would say it all - TO HIM. Tell him what you know for sure, and that she has voiced concerns to you. You said nothing, and don't intend to, but if you get one more whiff of this, you will let him know, and give him 1 day to discuss it with her. Or else, you will. This is, of course entirely dependent on how strongly you really feel about the matter, and if you feel it would be productive, or Counter-so. This is also a means of getting it done. I think it would be best if he told her himself. Because the longer he keeps lying to her, and the longer he keeps gaslighting her, the worse she will feel. It seems clear to me that she "knows" something is amiss. But it also looks like she's trying very hard not to be the jealous, suspicious, "crazy" GF. It's a sad place to be... and her BF is emotionally abusing her through his dishonesty. Chances are, confronting him will lead to nothing but denials and counter accusations. But on the off chance that it does convince him to do the right thing (and talk to his GF himself), it might be worth a try. It does, however, run an even greater risk of making you look like a busy-body than telling your friend yourself. So there's that to consider. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 Sounds like your bf might get mad if you tell. So don't hurt yourself. But if it were me and I was that close to them, going out and stuff, if you ever know he's going somewhere to meet this other girl because you overheard it or something and maybe your bf doesn't know you overheard it, take the girl out and go there and let her see for herself. Also, have you checked the other girls's Facebook? She may be posting photos of them! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted February 2, 2014 Author Share Posted February 2, 2014 I've decided not to say anything. For one, I don't want to get involved in their relationship problems and as other posters have mentioned, if she allows this behaviour even with her suspicions, then it's her own fault. This isn't the first time she's had issues with his inappropriate contact with other women, and if she doesn't put her foot down, then there's really no point in me saying anything. It's not like he's been acting like an ideal boyfriend and treating her like a gold while he has a second life. No, she's unhappy in this relationship and if she tolerates it, then it's her own fault. And like another poster said, the truth with come out eventually on it's own. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 I would tell her. I don't see it as being 'in their relationship,' but as being a friend. My bf was cheating on me and told a mutual friend. The mutual friend kept it a secret for 2 months and it only came out as a result of something else, and my friend was forced to tell me. And guess who got the blame. Not my cheating ex (well, him too) - my fury was all directed at the friend who didn't tell me. He allowed me to be a complete fool - all the while knowing this secret. He told me he didn't want to be in the middle of it. It took me over 3 months to talk to that friend again, and we're still rocky at times. How good of a friend are you if you don't help people out when they need it? Love is BLIND - the people in it can't see a darn thing and friends have to help because they can see and know more clearly. Past history often repeats and if he cheated before... well, it's more likely he'll do it again than not. As long as you're not interested in the friend and saying it for any other reason than to help, I say tell what you know. Link to post Share on other sites
smuggy95 Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 ok people, here is an easy way to solve this Apply the Golden Rule. If you were in her situation, would you want to be told? Do unto others... Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 It's none of your business to tell her. Like Tara said talk to him instead and tell him that it isn't right to do this if he loves his gf. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts