Awkward meet up with friend....

[Country_Girl]

Friends with this guy, I'm female btw. Me 32, him 42.

 

Was pretty much in love with him for a year and a half. Finally I admitted feelings, he said 'let's see what happens in the future' (he had just ended a relationship...few months later we hang out more, rent movies, he cuddles with me, sleep overs in the same bed spooning, back rubs...but never did we kiss or get sexual. Had 3 sleep overs like this.

 

I thought, maybe he liked me too and was moving slow...this goes on for a month, he then disappears for a month. I don't pursue, giving him space. Thinking, given some stuff going on in his personal life is arising and maybe he doesn't have time for me, after being given 2 excuses by now why he can't hang out.

 

2 months later he says he's dating someone and she's moving in with him. Tells me our friendship is inappropriate and can no longer call/text me. Yeah maybe I liked him, but I never crossed boundaries, soon as he told me he was dating someone I cut back all communication. And btw, I'm pretty shy, even when I liked him I was pretty reserved, didn't really flirt at all, I was too nervous to screw up the friendship.

 

Anyway, as soon as he told me he could no longer talk to me due to the relationship (in an email)...I deleted his number and all contact info...although I 'get it'- I figured our friendship didn't mean anything to him, I was his go to when he was 'between relationships'. A little offended, I took the loss, didn't even reply to the email. Not out of spite, but I figured if it was a friendship worth having we could have remained friends.

 

Anyway, haven't seen him in 1.5 years till tonight. He got in contact a month ago when he was having gf problems. They are separated now. It was so weird, we never used to run out of stories or things to talk about before. So many awkward silent moments...I dunno...never had this before...I don't know if it was me or him ?

 

He usually has stories or some kind of questions to keep the convo going ...eh it was weird.

 

Can a friendship come back after something like this ?

[d0nnivain]

Maybe the friendship can come back but it will take time. You flipped the switch. He was dating somebody else. You properly backed off & worked to get him out of your mind. Now he's returned & you are still processing. You also don't completely trust him because you two weren't on the same page before. You probably also don't trust his motives; I'd be wondering if he genuinely liked me, just wanted to be friends or thought I was somehow easy because I previously admitted to liking him & I'd be concerned he's trying to take advantage of that now.

 

 

Go slowly. . . see what happens.

[preraph]

Here's the good news: He doesn't cheat on whoever he's seeing. That is a great thing. He liked her better and switched over to her making a clean break. That's what you want.

 

Now he wants to resume getting to know you and you don't know if it's platonic or romantic, and maybe neither does he, but he knows this is awkward, and so this is your golden guilt-free opportunity to point-blank ask him "Well, are you wanting to date or just hang out as friends?" before you move forward. He owes you that much.

[Survivor12]

Save yourself the heartache and stop trying to analyze him or his motives. Let go of the romantic fantasy. He came back because he's alone and in need of an ego boost. He may like you, but you are not a priority. If you were, he wouldn't have ditched you when he began dating his exgf.

 

If he had really valued you as a friend, he would have continued your friendship, not cut off contact. If it had been important to him, he would have introduced you to her and encouraged a friendship between the two of you. But he didn't even try to keep you in his life.

 

Now that he's loved & lost, he's back. Don't be surprised if he becomes more "affectionate", but keep in mind that he may be using you to fill an emotional void left by his breakup. In other words, he may be looking for a rebound until someone new catches his eye.

 

Sorry to be so negative, but the fact that he knew that you were in love with him when he so callously turned his back on you is a big red flag. Despite that, you call him a friend? Neither of you are being honest--you don't want a friend, you want a relationship. He, on the other hand, wants an option when he's alone but doesn't care enough to BE a friend.

 

My advice is to keep your distance. Don't be so available. Don't waste your time and emotion trying to find a reason to believe that he cares for you--give him the chance to prove if he does. Don't assume. Don't try to fill in the blanks. Make him earn your attention and prove that you are a priority and not just a fall-back. Don't settle for breadcrumbs.

[Country_Girl]

Maybe the friendship can come back but it will take time. You flipped the switch. He was dating somebody else. You properly backed off & worked to get him out of your mind. Now he's returned & you are still processing. You also don't completely trust him because you two weren't on the same page before. You probably also don't trust his motives; I'd be wondering if he genuinely liked me, just wanted to be friends or thought I was somehow easy because I previously admitted to liking him & I'd be concerned he's trying to take advantage of that now.

 

 

Go slowly. . . see what happens.

 

You are correct, I do not trust the motives at all. I do think he thought he could waltz back in to where we left off and I do question if it was a friendship. Yeah I'm taking this at snail pace, I haven't initiated any contact thus far.

[Country_Girl]

Here's the good news: He doesn't cheat on whoever he's seeing. That is a great thing. He liked her better and switched over to her making a clean break. That's what you want.

 

Now he wants to resume getting to know you and you don't know if it's platonic or romantic, and maybe neither does he, but he knows this is awkward, and so this is your golden guilt-free opportunity to point-blank ask him "Well, are you wanting to date or just hang out as friends?" before you move forward. He owes you that much.

 

I agree, I feel he might be looking to start where we left off. To be honest, I don't think I want to have that conversation- mainly because I don't think I like him anymore...not as a person, but you know, the romantic sense.

 

The other thing that bugs me, is I don't really trust what he said about him and the gf breaking up. Facebook says they are in a relationship...and I can't help but wonder if he knows his relationship is on the outs so he's lining up his ducks in a row.

[Country_Girl]

Save yourself the heartache and stop trying to analyze him or his motives. Let go of the romantic fantasy. He came back because he's alone and in need of an ego boost. He may like you, but you are not a priority. If you were, he wouldn't have ditched you when he began dating his exgf.

 

If he had really valued you as a friend, he would have continued your friendship, not cut off contact. If it had been important to him, he would have introduced you to her and encouraged a friendship between the two of you. But he didn't even try to keep you in his life.

 

Now that he's loved & lost, he's back. Don't be surprised if he becomes more "affectionate", but keep in mind that he may be using you to fill an emotional void left by his breakup. In other words, he may be looking for a rebound until someone new catches his eye.

 

Sorry to be so negative, but the fact that he knew that you were in love with him when he so callously turned his back on you is a big red flag. Despite that, you call him a friend? Neither of you are being honest--you don't want a friend, you want a relationship. He, on the other hand, wants an option when he's alone but doesn't care enough to BE a friend.

 

My advice is to keep your distance. Don't be so available. Don't waste your time and emotion trying to find a reason to believe that he cares for you--give him the chance to prove if he does. Don't assume. Don't try to fill in the blanks. Make him earn your attention and prove that you are a priority and not just a fall-back. Don't settle for breadcrumbs.

 

What you said isn't negative, and in fact I had this discussion with my best friend last week- we both concluded that if he valued the friendship there would have been an introduction, not a 'see ya'.

 

Back then, yes I wanted a relationship, but not any more. I just don't feel it anymore, and I'm not so sure I ever could. I could be casual friends with him for sure, but something has changed in the dynamic. I don't feel any romantic interest, and I'm not sure I could either. Didn't feel any attraction when I saw him.

 

Who knows, maybe he felt the awkwardness too, and maybe I'll never hear from him again. Either way, it's not my loss...this could have been different. I'm only analyzing because I wonder if we can be friends? I used to drop everything for him (doormat)- now I don't give a **** (lol- not intentionally). I'm not that same person anymore, and I wonder if it's even worth trying to work out a friendship which such different dynamics.

 

And no, to answer your question, real friends don't do this. But I am big on forgiveness...everyone gets at least one big screw up...you know the saying 'fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me'.

 

I guess I'll see how this all plays out, but I won't be the one driving. I'm going to take a back seat, as I feel since he ended the friendship, he'll have to work to get it back. I'm not saying I'm going to make him jump hoops, but there is a barrier there that I didn't put there.

 

Thanks everyone for your replies :-)