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"best friend" backed out of wedding


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Old 22nd January 2014, 1:51 PM   #1
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"best friend" backed out of wedding

I have a so called "best friend" since high school, whom throughout the years has proven to be kind of a shi**y friend. In high school, she would randomly act pissed, ignoring me and just shutting me out, particularly after I started dating my first boyfriend. Then she would take advantage of the fact that her mom had paid me to drive her to and from school by making me wait for her for hours after school or being super late before school.

Then after college, once, when I got fired from work and dumped by a boyfriend on the same day, she could not be bothered to even pick up a call. (As opposed to my other friend who immediately jumped on her car and drove out to see me, even if it was quite far from where she was).
Then a few years later, she was a total a** when a boyfriend cheated on me, telling me that I needed to get over it (within a week of finding out), that he just wanted me for sex and never actually liked me. She then felt bad and agreed to come out to have dinner with me. I spent most of the day getting the house ready (as she was known to be very critical of others houses), and getting myself ready, looking forward to being out after a crappy week. Sure enough she never showed up or even called. I called her but she let it go to voicemail. At about midnight she called saying she had fallen asleep and had just woken up....opps.

At the time I had had enough. I completely cut her off, didn't pick up her calls, didn't talk to her for almost a year.

A few years later we reconnected and talked the whole thing out. She apologized for being self centered and I apologize for not handling it better and discussing what I was feeling instead of shutting her out. After that we had rebuild our friendship and she kept talking about how my shutting her out had shaken her up and made her realize she needed to change.

Well, fast forward to now, I have been in an awesome relationship and she was probably the most excited about it of all my friends. She would often talk about when I would get married and what we would do for my bachelorette part, asking me where I would want to go etc. So of course when my fiancÚ proposed this past November I was super excited to share the news with all my friends. To my surprised she reacted very cold, barely asking about how it all went.
After that she barely talk to me. Every once in a while we would talk but again, she didn't appeared anywhere near as enthusiastic as she had before. Whats more, it seemed like she kept wanting to put doubts in my head, for instance, when I went to visit his family, I sort of mentioned how his mom had not asked to see the ring. She immediately said that his family didn't like me, that his mom didn't want me to get married to him, that it didn't bode well for me (which is FAR from the truth, in fact his mom has been super involved and enthusiastic about the wedding).

After that she didn't call me again, or even tried to message me at all which is unusual since she would text or call me at least once a week. Still, since we have been getting close I asked her to be my bridesmaid, which she agreed to. So last week I made a group message for all the bridesmaids where I specifically said that I didn't want them to spend too much money, so I just ask that they choose a dress they like in a certain color, and that it didn't have to be specifically a bridesmaid dress. They all agree to this, including her.

Then two days ago she texts me to call her. I called her and she tells me she can't be a bridesmaid because its too expensive. I reminded her that the dresses didn't have to be crazy expensive, and that if she had a dress she owned close to the colors i had asked then she could wear that. I also mentioned how i would cover make up and hair, and that in regards to the bachelorette party I just probably wanted a dinner somewhere local. She said she still couldn't afford it and that she was sorry to disappoint me (this from someone who buys 3k designer purses and pays $200 gym membership monthly).
She then had the nerve to tell me that she had meditated on this and that she wondered if she was doing it to spite me and out of anger. I asked her what she had to be angry about but she dismissed it and said that she just overanalyzed too much, but she wondered because she was bailing on me again, just like when I stopped talking to her when she bailed on me years ago.

So in any case, now my bridal party is incomplete, but most of all I am so upset that I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, and she proved me wrong, yet again. At this point I don't know what to do, I mean I don't think I want to stop talking to her completely but surely my view of her as a close friend has been completely changed.

How would you handle this situation?
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Old 22nd January 2014, 2:34 PM   #2
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Given her history I'm surprised you even asked her. That said, let her go.


Your bridal party is not incomplete. It's now filled with people who truly care about you. It doesn't matter if there are unequal #s of BMs & GMs.


Just watch her fade out of your life & be happy to see her go.
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Old 22nd January 2014, 10:50 PM   #3
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She is not a true and real friend to you. Either she's jealous or miserable in her own life and she's trying to mess it up for you, make you feel bad, bring you down to her level. Wonder if she is depressed.

Honestly, I would put her in her place and question all the sh.itty things she's done to you recently (forget the past and high school, focus on her behaviour since you got engaged).
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She immediately said that his family didn't like me, that his mom didn't want me to get married to him, that it didn't bode well for me (which is FAR from the truth, in fact his mom has been super involved and enthusiastic about the wedding).
When she said that, how did you react and what did you say? Does she know his family?

This is a blessing in disguise. Find another person to fill her spot or just have one less bridesmaid. She should not be at your wedding.
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Old 22nd January 2014, 11:10 PM   #4
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WOW! Truly saddening to read this tale....

Here is what I did with a "bogus" friend that did as yours is doing. I invited her over, and point blank with a decent tone, explained the perspective and antics. Made it clear that its unacceptable. Offered to show her to the door and only grace it when she has grace and diplomacy in her character traits. Its been 6 months of bliss since she hasn't come back. Life is simplier now and so much more genuine.
I've learned not to burn bridges, now I just put a toll booth up and make sure they are worthy to cross it.

Please enjoy the events upcoming for your nuptials, life is too short to not savor such a once in a lifetime journey.
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