Slept with a guy my friend likes

[FaithInTheDark]

I introduced a male buddy of mine to a close friend in the summer.

They hit it off well and were spending time together and hooking up all summer. My male friend randomly stopped calling my friend and stopped coming around ...which hurt my friend because she was developing feelings for him and I can tell her likes him.

I ran into the male friend and asked why he dropped my friend with no explanation...he said she was just too much to handle due to her alcoholism and pretty much just wanted sex from her.

A pretty cold thing to say but I understood the alcoholism part since she drinks frequently and can act really mean and out of line.

Last month I went to the male friends house to hang out and he put the moves on me but I rejected him and left his house..he later applogised and we put it behind us.

Anyways the male friend starts coming around to my friends place again to hang out just as friends and my friend was extremely happy about this...

I told her what a jerk he was but I guess that wasnt too much of a issue for her..

anyways...last weekend the male friend, his roommate and I went to a party and I got very drunk, I hit it off with the roommate all night and we all went back to their house after.

The roommate ended up leaving and somehow i ended up in bed with my male friend, I was not in my right mind due to being drunk...I had no intention of sleeping with him but I did....

I really regret it and felt pretty ashamed of myself afterward due to the fact im not into the male friend at all ...rejected him before...and my close friend really likes him. he said he wont tell her .

anyway my question is should I tell me close friend what happened?

I know it will probably end very badly because she has a scary side to her and i really dont want to hurt her feelings. or loose my friendship with her

it really meant nothing and not sure if its even worth telling her..

any advice?

[Kizza]

I see 2 options:

 

you could hide it and risk her finding out and have her supremely p**sed with you or

 

tell her straight up you were drunk, bumped uglies, it meant nothing and will never happen again and you wanted to be up front and honest to her with what happened and more than likely have her p**sed off with you...then reiterate what a jerk the guys is and hope for the best....

 

If you are truly friends then you will both get past this and come stronger on the other side...

[D-Lish]

I don't see the need to tell her. They aren't dating, and she scares the crap out of both of you.

[MCGar]

Tell her and deal with it head on, don't have this hanging over your head.

 

I also have some advice that I hope you might take a step back and consider seriously.

 

Move on from this lifestyle. It's a fast road to mediocrity and dissatisfaction.

 

Ditch the 'friendship' with the skeevy guy that jumped on the opportunity with you while you were vulnerable.

 

Ditch the 'friendship' with the roommate that you were getting along with. He left you while drunk. I would be VERY surprised if he didn't do it to help his friend score.

 

Distance yourself from sometimes-scary friend.

1st, your a bit too involved with her love life. Yes, asking skeevy guy why he ditched her is inserting yourself in someone else's love life.

2nd, when you find out how jerky he is, you guys 'put it behind you' instead of steering clear of a guy that is attracted to you that your own friend likes. That looks like you couldn't put up a healthy boundary on behalf of your friend (even though it looked like she didn't mind, your own discernment should have put a kibosh on hanging around him)

3rd, It looks like her drinking and personality are big parts of her life and that drinking has affected your life in a big way. That only spells drama and a bunch of 'lows' in the relationship to accompany whatever 'highs' you have. There really is not need to have that in your life. Because these 'lows' shape you as a person and just lead to co-dependent relationships, benefiting neither person.

 

 

As for yourself, you really have to step back and look at things. You either had voluntary sex with a guy that your friend likes, thus making you a really bad friend; or you did not have voluntary sex, making what happened a rape.

In either situation, there are some harsh realities to face. You need to own the responsibility of the first situation, or deal with the damage of the second situation.

 

For yourself, find a different social group. Hanging out & getting drunk is going to get old really soon. There really isn't anything to it. Find a group of people that have higher goals than scoring with whatever chic comes in their path. Find people that you can trust and especially make life choices that make your own self trustworthy. I know I sound like an after school special but I see it a lot in the world of women. Those that stay in this level of party-life/codependent crap always end up screwing up when they attempt marriage and family life. The others that move on from that life tend to have it really hard because they have a lack of friends in their new stages of life. It's best to find that better social group now and challenge yourself to become better in that way.

 

I'm not saying you don't have goals, and a certain level of maturity; but you are doing yourself no favors if you keep on hanging out with these type of people.

 

I know I sound very judgy but I'm not trying to be mean, I really am trying to be helpful. My advice is based on the information I see in your post and from my own experience.

 

I truly wish you good luck in whatever you do.

[d0nnivain]

If they aren't dating, you didn't do anything "wrong" vis-a-vis her. However, she's still going to be hurt. I'd probably tell her, when you are sure she's sober.

[preraph]

It's never right to sleep with a guy you know your good female friend still has feelings for. And it's true he's leading her on and probably still using her for sex because you said he came back around. So that was bad. The fact he's done has nothing much to do with it because this is between you and your female friend, and you did just be disloyal to her. Maybe if you'd waited a few months after he's left her life for good and then felt her out about it, but you just got drunk and did it. And that's not really any excuse, I'm sorry. You're using that as an excuse. I've been drunk plenty and I remember everything I do and wouldn't have voluntarily slept with someone I wasn't at least attracted to. So stop making excuses.

 

You can either tell her, which will really hurt her, or see if your loser male friend has what it takes to keep his mouth shut. But be prepared because he's probably going to keep coming around for random sex as long as she lets him and at this point, you've got no right to tell her he's a loser and try to convince her not to reciprocate -- because you did it yourself.

 

I had a good friend do something similar to me, and I dumped her cold after 17 years. If you manage to keep it a secret, vow to never even look at one of her interests again.

[Heatemyheart89]

I wouldn't tell her she might go mad.

[FaithInTheDark]

I thank you guys for taking the time to let me know what you think.

this site is something i appreciate for being able to share situations that are personal yet i always log off with a piece of advice i take with me.

anyways. I am a extremely honest person- I slipped up but i can only learn from my mistakes.

I will feel like this will probably hang over my head but I just dont see any reason to tell her, they were never dating, it was meaningless sex ...ive never told anyone and I just feel it will do more damage then good.

I have been in a situation in the summer where i slept with my best male friend and a close girlfriend had a thing for and she liked him alot.

the male friend and girlfriend had some drama going on between them and i was there to support my girlfriend. I didnt tell her for a long time about the guy and i recent sexual encounter but i did finally spill the beans. she was hurt but said it was more the fact i kept it from her...I explained i felt it didnt need to be brought up because i didnt want to add more drama for her and in a sense I feel it was a personal thing between me and the guy and wasnt much of anyones business,

when these hookups happen its not like I was thinking about my girlfriends it was the heat of the moment.

I guess this type of situation is similar but I honestly feel theres no need to bring it up. maybe i will when the situations right.

ive had things happen in life where i felt i wish i didnt know about.

Edited January 10, 2014 by FaithInTheDark

[chelsea2011]

I would stop wondering if you should tell or not and start looking at why you sleep with guys you know your friends like. Once you figure that out then you won't be in predicaments like wonderin if you should tell or not.

[stillafool]

Please stop drinking to the point that you don't know what you are doing. Not pretty.

[preraph]

I agree you should start looking at why you feel the need to sleep with guys your friends like. As I said before this happened to me with a friend I'd had from childhood. Before I kicked her out of my life, I nailed her to the wall to find out what could make her do what she did and it turned out she was envious of my life. So it was basically her own self-esteem problem. Another young friend I had always went after guys all her friends liked, openly most of the time, and I'm not sure what it stemmed from but once we all cut her off, which is what will happen to any woman who does this - she'll lose all her female friends -- when left to her own picking abilities, she chose full-on male disasters. The father of her child, her most serious relationship, actually shot himself in the portal to their home in front of her and the child.

 

So there's usually a reason you go after friend's love interests, and it's never good. The excuse of "I wasn't thinking about her" is no excuse at all but a pitiful reflection on your inadequacy as a friend. You should always be thinking about your friends.

[Oxygen13]

Tell her and deal with it head on, don't have this hanging over your head.

 

I also have some advice that I hope you might take a step back and consider seriously.

 

Move on from this lifestyle. It's a fast road to mediocrity and dissatisfaction.

 

Ditch the 'friendship' with the skeevy guy that jumped on the opportunity with you while you were vulnerable.

 

Ditch the 'friendship' with the roommate that you were getting along with. He left you while drunk. I would be VERY surprised if he didn't do it to help his friend score.

 

Distance yourself from sometimes-scary friend.

1st, your a bit too involved with her love life. Yes, asking skeevy guy why he ditched her is inserting yourself in someone else's love life.

2nd, when you find out how jerky he is, you guys 'put it behind you' instead of steering clear of a guy that is attracted to you that your own friend likes. That looks like you couldn't put up a healthy boundary on behalf of your friend (even though it looked like she didn't mind, your own discernment should have put a kibosh on hanging around him)

3rd, It looks like her drinking and personality are big parts of her life and that drinking has affected your life in a big way. That only spells drama and a bunch of 'lows' in the relationship to accompany whatever 'highs' you have. There really is not need to have that in your life. Because these 'lows' shape you as a person and just lead to co-dependent relationships, benefiting neither person.

 

As for yourself, you really have to step back and look at things. You either had voluntary sex with a guy that your friend likes, thus making you a really bad friend; or you did not have voluntary sex, making what happened a rape.

In either situation, there are some harsh realities to face. You need to own the responsibility of the first situation, or deal with the damage of the second situation.

 

For yourself, find a different social group. Hanging out & getting drunk is going to get old really soon. There really isn't anything to it. Find a group of people that have higher goals than scoring with whatever chic comes in their path. Find people that you can trust and especially make life choices that make your own self trustworthy. I know I sound like an after school special but I see it a lot in the world of women. Those that stay in this level of party-life/codependent crap always end up screwing up when they attempt marriage and family life. The others that move on from that life tend to have it really hard because they have a lack of friends in their new stages of life. It's best to find that better social group now and challenge yourself to become better in that way.

 

I'm not saying you don't have goals, and a certain level of maturity; but you are doing yourself no favors if you keep on hanging out with these type of people.

 

I know I sound very judgy but I'm not trying to be mean, I really am trying to be helpful. My advice is based on the information I see in your post and from my own experience.

 

I truly wish you good luck in whatever you do.

 

I would be very careful about suggesting something like this to her as she hasn't stated anything along the lines of her being raped. Don't put it in her head that she can wash away all the guilt and responsibility by claiming she was raped.

 

She's just a good who made a poor decision, as they tend to do.

[MCGar]

I suggested the rape plausibility on purpose.

 

She was in a vulnerable position. Wasted and alone with a guy that went for it. If she continues on this path, hanging with these type of people, being drunk alot, she going to have a serious chance of actually being raped. It really depends on how 'conscious' one is in order to accede to intercourse and it looks like she's playing with fire along those lines. One day, if heaven forbid she has someone rape her while she's insensible, that sex will go from 'meaningless' to 'traumatic' really darn quick.

 

It does look like she is trying to push aside her responsibility in saying that it was 'meaningless' but the point is, unless she was raped, she needs to own every bit of her part in the situation.

What the heck does 'meaningless sex' mean anyway? Is it not sex just because she isn't into him? Does it not count? If it's such a non issue then there is no problem with telling her friend. If her friend is going to feel hurt and betrayed, then she made a dang bad choice, all for meaningless sex.

 

The update about the OP having sex with another 'crush' of one of her friends really does show something damaged in how she views sex and relationships.

In friendships, there are just lines you should make the choice not to cross or risk losing the friendship. And that friend should have the right to decide if she wants to keep OP as a friend.

OP is trying to control the friendship because she's over it and decided exactly where to categorize what she did. She isn't giving her friend the opportunity to make her own judgement of the matter and the power to decide for herself.