Was Harry right?

[recurve]

When Harry (Billy Crystal) tells Sally (Meg Ryan) that men and women can never be "just friends," is he right? I'd like to think it's possible, even if it takes a lot of work and vigilence.

 

Okay, here's the deal. About three weeks ago, my work offered a couple free tickets to a swanky evening of classical music in an outdoor mountain setting. I was lucky enough to get a pair of Saturday tickets, and I took my pre-teen daughter for some quality mother-daughter time. After the concert, some amateur star gazers had set up their telescopes and were letting people view the night sky through them. My daughter got really excited being able to look at other planets and things, and, like most kids, she quickly located the biggest and best scope. The crowd was thinning, and my daughter wanted to look at a few more stars, and the owner of the scope let her work the scope, showing her how to aim and focus it. While my daughter had fun with her new toy, the fellow struck up a conversation with me. We talked about music, science, politics, and before I knew it we'd talked for nearly an hour! During that time, I didn't see any wedding ring on his finger, and he never mentioned a wife (though he mentioned he also had a pre-teen daughter). I'm divorced (about 10 years now), and was flattered to have so much male attention. (Something I don't often get with my daughter in tow.) Though the conversation touched on a lot of areas, we kept it very friendly and almost professional, no inuendo. We exchanged business cards, even, as our careers have some overlap.

 

I enjoyed the evening very much, and I wrote a "thank you" card to him, apologizing for my daughter commandeering his scope so much, and thanking him for being patient with her. I didn't think I'd ever hear from him again, but three days later he wrote me an e-mail with more information on star gazing events, ending with a "nice chatting with you." I wrote back, and pretty soon we became regular pen pals, discussing everything from religion and childhood experiences to our kids and travel adventures. I worked in a few questions that confirmed what I suspected (he is married), and he delicately asked about my divorce, and we didn't dig any further, though we candidly talked about relationships and the mysteries of men and women. We *did* mutually agree to keep this strictly a friendship and not lead each other on. We're finding it very easy to talk to each other, we share many common interests, and we're enjoying this new-found friendship. So it didn't seem too weird when he asked if I'd like to join him for lunch. I have "working lunches" with colleagues all the time, so I thought "why not." BUT! We work 60 miles apart. So he proposed driving 60 miles to meet me for lunch, two weeks after we met. He can do this because he, like I, do a lot of consulting and have some flexible hours. Okay, so here's a yellow flag, I'm thinking. Why not ask me when I'm down his way next time and plan lunch a few weeks from now? But then I remind myself he hasn't pushed for anything, he's been the perfect gentleman and kept things professional in the e-mails, and maybe he's just being gallant and offering to do the driving so I don't have to. He had also mentioned how much he loves his wife and daughter in earlier e-mails, so I didn't detect any marital problems. Okay, I agreed to lunch.

 

Lunch was very nice. We talked for three hours before I noticed what time it was. When we got ready to leave I expected to pay my share, but he insisted on picking up the check, even after I offered, and said I could treat next time. Okay. I had to pick up my daughter in an hour, but I asked if he'd like to stretch his legs a bit and see the view of the city from a nearby park before we headed back to work. So went and talked a bit more. I decided to use this time to reinforce that this is just a friendship, so we talked openly a bit about our relationship experience and our preferences. Not much of a surprise -- I'm his type and he's mine. :/ But, again, he never pushed or said anything that could be misconstrued as inappropriate, though he also made it clear he finds me very attractive.

 

So here's the difficulty. I've never had a male friend like this before -- someone I'm attracted to, who's exciting and stimulating and handsome and a great talker -- and there's this sexual tension underlying the friendship. This is unfortunate, because I would really like to keep him as a friend -- I can talk to him about anything and he openly shares with me what men really think about things, and he's curious about the women's perspective, too. It's a very different dynamic than I usually have with my female friends, or with the guys at work. And, quite frankly, I'm a little afraid of this new, uncharted territory.

 

We've progressed, after three weeks since we met, to a few e-mail exchanges and a phone call or two per day. This seems like a lot to me -- it's going a bit fast, and I'm going to tell him today we need to slow things down a bit. We *are* having lunch tomorrow (my treat), though he is driving the 60 miles again (which makes me a bit nervous -- is he afraid of being seen in his neighborhood?)....

 

So what should I do? Do I keep him at arm's length and use some extra energy to hold this relationship at just the friendship stage? Do I suggest a family-oriented weekend event so our daughters can play together and I can meet the wife and make sure we're all in sync about this friendship? And if I were the wife, I'd probably be very jealous of my husband spending more and more time with some woman I'd never met, and that can't help his marriage, and it puts his daughter in a stressful envrionment. So should I just tell him, "I'm sorry. We can't be friends because I'm attracted to you and no good can come of this?" So is Harry ultimately right? And if so, what a shame! I think women could learn a lot from having male friends, and maybe the friendship could be more of a brother/sister relationship. Any ideas?

 

Thanks.

 

-- recurve

[HokeyReligions]

I believe it is very possible for men and women to have great friendships with no romance or sexual attraction of any kind. However, after reading your post I don't think you have it with him. You said there is an underlying sexual tension. Also, his driving 60 miles to have lunch with you is sending up red flags in my book.

 

You are uncertain -- trust your instinct.

 

should I just tell him, "I'm sorry. We can't be friends because I'm attracted to you and no good can come of this?"

[color=red]

YES![/color]

 

Read some of the OW/OM posts to get some other perspectives and to see how innocently some affairs began.

[batitm]

So sorry I know this is a disappointment. . .but Harry was right. . .you should end it.

[recurve]

Okay, you're right. Another friend reminded me how old this story is... Gwenivere and Lancelot had the best of intentions when they became friends.... I guess if the attraction is mutual it just can't work. Thanks, HR, for the extra perspective.

[havNfun]

I agree,

 

I know your intentions are innocent,

but you will make a sexual move eventually,

and at the rate this friendship seems to be progressing,

I would say it will happen fairly soon.

[whichwayisup]

Hey Recurve. It is possible. I do have many male friends, some I grew up with, and we think of eachother as family. I also have male friends I've worked with...I can develope crushes easily, but they are healthy ones and then in time they go away...But male friends that you share such a deep connection with and a sexual attraction with is tricky. Unless you both have the strength to fight that urge (And yes, eventually a kiss, hug or a hand holding will happen) it's gonna be hard. Maybe give eachother some space..Keep in touch through emails..Cut out seeing eachother and talking on the phone. It's sad because he and you seem to have clicked so well. A shame he is married because otherwise you both would be together!

 

I know what you are feeling, except the male friend I am talking to is an online friend. We connected in everyway, with lots of energy. We have backed off abit over the last months or so but still keep in touch. I'ts hard and all but I know it's for the best. I do adore him, he has part of my heart...But we are both taken and after a while the emotions get in the way. He came into my life for a reason and I have loved every minute of it. I don't know if it has played out yet, who knows? But for now we are friends, just friends and it's nice...But it's also safe because we're in 2 different countries. We only communicate through emails and some IM's..No more phone calls.

I miss him alot, I really do, but it is better for both of us this way. IT is hard because we shared so much, cared so much and he really made me feel good about myself and was a wonderful friend in general.

 

I hope in time you and this man can be friends, but distance might be a good thing right now. maybe in time, your idea of getting together so you can meet his wife and she can meet you could happen. I'm not sure how his wife might feel because if you both share so much passion and energy, she might pick up on it and wonder what is going on. She prob. can read her husband like a book too! I don't know, I could be totally wrong.

Just take it slow though...Seems things definately are moving fast! Might be some hurt feelings too if it doesn't slow down abit.

 

All the best. Keep us posted on what happens next. I hope you're doing okay though. Must be hard for you dealing with these feelings...Just be as honest as you can with him...And ask him to do the same with you. The more you talk it out and maybe ask what you each are going to get out of this friendship, the easier it might work out either way.

 

WWIU

[recurve]

havNfun, batitm, thanks for the candid feedback. Whichway, the distance thing is a good idea to use to slow things down. And I agree, lots of up front, frank discussion is gonna happen tomorrow over lunch. My ex cheated on me before my divorce, so I know firsthand how the wife feels! I couldn't live with myself if I became an adulterer. I may get bruised feelings for backing off, but at least I'll be able to sleep well knowing I'm still an honorable person.

[whichwayisup]

Sounds like you have your head on straight...And you know yourself pretty well. It might hurt to do, but it may be for the best.

Never say never, things change and sometime further down the road his situation could change (Is his marriage OK or rocky?) and you both could rekindle this budding romance! But for now, the best thing is back off and take it slow as just friends.

 

Good luck at lunch tomorrow! I hope it goes well! Post back and let us know how it went!

 

WWIU

[UCFKevin]

I think Harry's right, UNLESS both parties involved are seriously with other people in relationships or are gay.

 

Otherwise, the guy will almost always want to bang the chick, regardless of what they say. Given the SMALLEST opportunity, they will take it.

[recurve]

Here's the update. Lunch went well. Lots of really good, frank discussion. We got it all out there. He's not looking for an affair (at least not consciously), and I made it crystal clear I won't get involved with a married man. He has been totally up front with his wife about me and having a geek friend who is a woman, and she knows he was having lunch with me and has no problem with it. Apparently, she isn't much into science or hiking or astronomy, and she accepts that her husband needs friends who can talk about this stuff and enjoy getting out and viewing the night sky. He also has a few other women friends who are "just friends" and that has worked out well over the long haul. But these other women friends aren't really "geeks," and he finds it refreshing that he can find a woman who can talk geek-speak. He says he's never had an affair or cheated on his wife, and I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. He really, genuinely seems to be in love with his wife, and he showed me photos of her and his daughter. The wife is gorgeous, the daughter is darling, and the wife doesn't nag him or hold favors over his head. So, okay, it sounds like he just really would like to be friends.

 

So he's invited me and my daughter to a group function of amateur astronomers. Since he has two daughters (one from a previous marriage), he is a big champion of getting more girls and women interested in science. So I accepted the offer of joining this group thing. There's a web page for it, and it's legit. My daughter and I will drive down and meet him at his house, get a tour of his mad-science lab and the projects he's working on, get to meet the wife, then his older daughter (the pre-teen) and he and I will head over to the group star party and hang out with the other nerds. I think this will be a safe event. I've also given him instructions, since he's a friend, to introduce me to any single, elligible friends he has. He laughed, and said, "Okay, I've been given my marching orders." I think we are both mature enough to make this work as a friendship. Meanwhile, I also shared some of my relationship history, and he knows I have a date tomorrow night, plus I'm actively looking for a long-term relationship with someone who *is* available. We parted on good terms, agreeing to slow things down and see how this works as a "just friends" thing. Meanwhile, I'll be spending more of my time dating, and less time being his latest "geek buddy."

 

-- recurve