I'm Distroying 18 Year Old Friendship

[Yasuandio]

I think I have prett much broken up with a long term friend of some 18 years. We hardly ever see each other just talk on the phone.

 

She finally came for visit in rental car. we've been talking about becoming room-mates in my large house (Im stuck with) in a ritzy sub-division in ATL sub-burbs. We've been talking about it over a year. She has to give pre-lease notice on her cheap place in Athens, a college town where we were both Professors before retirement. That means she has to make decision by. February - to move out this coming August. We did not do it last year - she was still unsure.

 

I am divorced with alimony and cannot cohabit or remary. Also, I have no in such anyway at my age. My friend has a serious bone/blood disease. - causing her to be constantly medicated for constant pain. She pretty much lays uninspired on the couch - and goes to a neighbors for meals. We are both talented artists. Once we spent a few weeks together at my home - and it did both of us a lot of good, physically, mentally, and healthwise - that is why we think this idea of moving together in my huge house is a good move.

 

I am 57 she is 68. We both have bi-polar disease. Both disabled. Me, not physically - I am very strong. The feedback most recently from my friend has been very proactive about the move. She says she needs to get out of that town. She needs to eat better (arrarangment is that I would be chef), and she loves my place, huge fenced wooded yard for her dog to run with my dogs. My lovely deck where she could invision herself painting again.

 

Actully - truth to be told - she is living in a crowded, falling down dump, in the worst neighborhood. A Robert occorred on her street the night before she came to visit, and her home has been broken into, more than once. But the rent is cheap - but utilitilites VERY high - due to old building.

 

So here is problem 1 that pissed me off during visit. She has a medical bad with probably 50 bottles of meds and injections. She must have told me 15 times not to let her forget it when she went home. In this bag, there are her pain meds she MUST have - and doctor does not give extras or replacements. Finally I told her, girl, "if I saw you left that Med bag behind, I would be straightway in my car to deliver to you immediately, day or night." (it is 85 miles but there is no way I would allow her to suffer). Her response to me

was a painfully convincing "no you wouldn't." I WAS SHOCKED. I said "WHAT! And she repeated it. Of course I told her I could not believe she thought that poorly of me. Especially what I knew of her withdrawals she was currently experiencing going off Zyprexa. She back pedaled - saying she didn't need the pills - and could wait till the next day for me to overnight them. Right. This really hurt my feelings.

 

Problem Number 2. Towards the last day - she said we needed to talk about money. I had purposely not brought up the subject of her moving because I sensed she was feeling overwhelmed. So we began the discussion. Prior - I had expressed that I believed her costs here should average at least $100-150 due to the upgrade, and personal space she would receive - including use of entire 3400 sq. Foot home - as we both have same taste, and she has collected a substanstantial amount of my art.

 

Her current rent was $690. She told me she had an idea of what it cost her to live there - but would not reveal the actual costs other than cable. She also declined to split cell (claiming she "may be under contract - which I know is not true), and did not wish to contribute half to sucurity system (25 a month - ok with me). I felt the cell was a large perk that I was losing in the deal - and I didn't like the ify "I don't know if I'm under contract or not" BS, when I know her lousy cook has 5 supposed sisters on the plan - and she's told me earlier she didn't sign anything.

 

That said, she wanted to see what my expended were. I produced them, gas (80-90 - including heat), electric (90-200 - including worst summers where I run AC big time). This house has all brand new windows, and efficient machinery - costs, my guess, are a heck of a lot lower than her's, by the look on her face. Mortage, taxes, insurance to live here - $2500.

 

My overall guess for her contribution was gonna be around $900 rent and 1/2 utilitilites. But I didn't reall know until I could see her numbers. And she just said - well, she had a good idea about what it cost for her to live. And I thought rather than my estimate, she should show her numbers too. Because with the taxes, and worth of this home, 100-150 more than she is currently paying was a darn good offer to be in a safe neighborhood - and, I was making some concessions on things she didn't want to split, so those costs were not factored in on my side. Furthmore - I was prepared to paint an entire floor to her specized colors, and spray an industrial ceiling, as well as install a 4th bath and sink on bottom floor (1800 - plus drywall in time).

 

I hinted I'd like to know her numbers, and after showing her mine - I pointed out that this in a huge upgrade with a small investment - plus you'll have a nice garage to park your car. When I mentioned the upgrade - she then said "she loved her place," and she "loved the town.". My response - THEN DON'T DO IT! She backpedaled. I said "no - I want you perfectly enthusasic about this move and this lovely home. The slightest doubt - forget it. If you cannot see the upgrade in the standard of living here for a mere 100-150 more in cost, then I think you gotta sign the lease at your old place and stay there till August 2016."

 

I explained to her I cannot justify living in this huge costly house alone any longer, and I must prepare it for the market this Spring if you are this

ambivalent. Because even if you do plan to move here - you are still asking me to wait an additional 8 months, and you are not motivated to request your Landlords to try to lease your place earlier - which would be easy, with that low rent.

 

Anyway, the next night - after she was gone, I was still very upset about the Med bag. Other things bothered me too. I felt like she had been having discussions about me with someone else - because over the months I've heard statement such as:

 

What would happen if you decided to get married again?

 

What would happen if you wanted a boyfriend to move in?

 

Stuff like this. Sort of like someone is talking in her ear "Yas is just going to find another man and put you on the street."

 

While she was here - I showed her the Final Order of Divorce that demonstrates if I co-habitate or marry, I lose my 3500 a month for the next ten years, and all other benefits. Now does that make sense? I'm 57 - I do no want to live with a man again - that much I know, much less get married.

 

So, this is what I did. I texted her that I did not appreciate basically what I just told you guys. I plan to put house on market. I am upset and hurt. It is not fair to me to pull documents and decrees from court - and then she just provide a general "I have an idea, blah, blah." I pointed out that in just one week she had dramatic physical improvment, and lost 7 pounds eating outstanding meals (not potatoes and pastas). I said I feel very disapponted she sees this offer as a lateral move. And I need space, do not wish to converse anymore.

 

I didn't say anything about the little whit lies, but I hate being lied to. I'm so done. I guess that is why I am a recluse. It is common that bi-polar people cannot maintain relationships. Her and me are probably the only two that can get along and be happy under same roof. No one else would understand my ways (ways of the artist's temprment) or visa versa. Also, I cannot move on unless I break this tie - I am afraid I am turning into her.

 

Go ahead and hit me with the board guys. I need some feedback. Yas

Edited December 19, 2013 by Yasuandio

[CC12]

So here is problem 1 that pissed me off during visit.

 

I think you may be taking her comment a bit too personally. I'm sure she meant no offense by it. Some people have not experienced the level of kindness that you were prepared to show her, and she may have genuinely not believed that someone would go out of their way like that. Who knows. It was a dumb comment, and she backpedaled. I would let this go.

 

Problem Number 2. Towards the last day - she said we needed to talk about money.

 

Hm. It seems as if you're treating this as a co-mingling of your expenses, instead of a landlord-tenant arrangement. I think the questions you were asking about her finances were a bit too personal, and I don't really blame her for dodging your questions. As the landlord (which you are), you can ask a potential tenant what their monthly income is, but you can't really ask any more personal questions about their finances. As a rule of thumb, if their income equals 1/3 (or is it 1/4?) of your asking price, they qualify.

 

My overall guess for her contribution was gonna be around $900 rent and 1/2 utilitilites. But I didn't reall know until I could see her numbers.

 

This would make me very uncomfortable, as a potential tenant/roommate. Whatever rent+utilities you charge her should be based on what *you* need/want for the space, not what she can or cannot afford. I place a lot of trust in my friends, but if I were in your friend's shoes, I would be thinking, "Uh oh. So if she believes I actually have more money to spend, she's going to charge me more?" Now, it's completely possible that you're trying to justify charging her less than $900 plus half utilities, but if you're in the position to charge less, then why not just do it?

 

It kind of looks like you're trying to see how you can gain the most from the situation, and there is nothing inherently wrong with that, but really, it's just like any other business transaction. If you're trying to purchase something, you don't want to hear the seller ask, "Well, how much can you afford?" It's just...unfair? Not sure that's the right word, but I hope I'm making sense.

 

If I may offer a suggestion, if you're still open to her moving in with you, just come up with a fixed amount for her to pay per month. No producing monthly utility bills and asking her to cut you a check for half. No haggling over paying the security system bill or anything else. Average out your utilities for a whole year, add in whatever bills you want her to be responsible for (not your cell phone) and divide that in half. Then add that to what you think her room is worth, and there's her total. Boom, done. This makes it very easy for her to compare her current expenses and see if it makes financial sense to move in with you.

 

And as far as her asking what would happen if you get a boyfriend or get married? Those are reasonable questions to ask. If you're realistic, this may be her last home. She's 68. I would think she's actively trying to avoid having to move again. So it would make sense that she wants reassurance from you that you won't toss her out if you get a boyfriend or for any other reason.

 

So she's understandably not yet 100% on board with this move, and you're getting mad at her for asking questions and not sharing her personal finances with you.

 

Maybe it's not a good fit.

[Yasuandio]

On all these points you are exactly right - esppecially the last one.

 

We were to live as sisters in this expensive house. She'd have her run of all of it - splitting utilities that I know are less than her's. I would essentially be here to care for her to, bring her food to her when she is to sick, assist her - with her pets and heavy items, and be her cook (cook a separate agreeable arrangment). I also would be here with her all the time - as I am reclusive.

 

Mortgage = 2500

Starting Guess of Rent without Knowing her other Costs +/- $900

 

I can no longer afford. If she wants to negotiate down to less of what she currently pays - then I don't exactly feel good about it now.

 

In this area - renting a bedroom, bath and kitchen privlidgres would be $900. She has an entire floor of the house and private patio to boot, besides the private bed and bath on another floor. It is a great space - totally underpriced to begin with - but she is a person I could live with.

 

I would guess the difference we are talking about may be a few hundred on her part. As a "sister" arrangment, to save a few hundred bucks, I think that is cheating. Plus she doesn't want to be held to a lease.

 

When her eyes bugged out at my LOW expenses - even on cable, I believe she would be making money on this deal.

 

Our original deal was rent should average out about 100-150 more than her total expenses. Without her numbers, that remains a mystery, and she did not follow our agreement.

 

When she decided not to be forthcoming, that confirmed to me it would be cheaper for her to live here.

 

Then, when she minimized what I offered here- she started saying how great her place and twin is. Well, I have done a lot of estimates and planning to make things really nice here for her. Then - if she likes it so much there - she can sign the lease with that place and stay till 2016 - she be almost 71, alone in there. And that is her choice.

 

This arrangement has been disscissed for a long time. I give her a break on the medical bag thing, indeed, I took it personally. But I do no appreciate having to produce documents to show it is impossible fo me to get maried. I feel like I have to move on. In all aspects of life - even this friendship. I feel discussions about me have gone on somewhere - and it bothers me. The simple document convinced her. I would never walk away from 3500 for any man at 57 years old. I'm not dumb.

 

Not a good fit. Her loss. I'll sell the house. I thank you so much for responding to me, CC12. Your post was very helpful. Thank you. Yas

[thummper]

I'm curious. Was your former marriage so awful that it's put you off men permanently? After reading your posts, I can see that you are very intelligent and compassionate, qualities that most men would find very attractive. And 57?!!! God, I wish I WAS 57! lol Lots of luck with your future. I hope it's a happy one for you. By the way, what does Yasuandio mean? Your name? Something mysterious in another language? It SOUNDS mysterious.

Edited December 28, 2013 by thummper

[preraph]

I also think you took her comments too personally. Listen, she's getting old, she's on a lot of pills and she's in pain all the time. It's all she can handle. Making changes is hard when you can barely handle your day-to-day situation. Trying to converse while being diplomatic and thoughtful is equally difficult. She has a full plate. You are trying to help her, I get that, but it is extra financial burden for her and she's obviously afraid of change, as most people are at her age.

 

Take it easy, take a breath. Do what you need to do about your home. But don't stay mad at her for this. She's overwhelmed in the extreme.