Standards?

[ja123]

I have a post on the dating forum about developing standards.

 

 

At this point in my life, maybe I finally have some standards. Honestly, I'm OK being alone so I honestly can take people or leave them now.

 

 

This is across the board now with men and women, friends, lovers, acquaintances, personal, or professional.

 

 

In the case of my post now on the "friends" forum, it has to do with a woman friend. She's the type when she gets involved with a man then she just forgets everyone else in her life. Honestly, I find this really immature. And believe me, she's no spring chicken.

 

 

Anyhow, she finally got herself hitched in June and I was happy for her. I went early to the wedding venue to help set up tables and flowers and of course put a smile on my face at the wedding and give her some decent cash by way of a present.

 

 

The thing is I never heard from her afterwards. I never in my life heard of people getting married and not reach out to the guests afterwards with a little thank you card for the attendance and gift. I spoke to someone else in November who was at the wedding and she hadn't heard from this woman either. Neither of us wanted to jump to conclusions so we didn't trash talk her.

 

 

Anyhow, lo and behold I get an email from her 2 days ago. It was a quick note asking me if I would be attending the Christmas party of an organisation we both used to volunteer for, and also saying she hoped I was ok. Anyhow, I just kind of stunned. It was really impersonal in tone. Frankly, I've decided not to respond.

 

 

She contacted me a lot before the wedding. I see that now as she was buttering me up as she needed the "help" and an ego stroke. I feel used.

 

 

So, I've decided I'm not going to bother writing back.

 

 

This is new for me, as I used to be the type who would at least be somewhat cordial even if I were hurt, let-down, or disappointed in someone.

 

 

Everyone can make mistakes, and I don't feel I'm turning into a complete meany by dumping her, but there has to be more in a relationship for me to remain invested.

 

 

So, I'm moving on from this woman. I don't need people like this in my life.

 

 

Thoughts?

[nescafe1982]

First, I have to ask: Are you male? If so, are you single? Any history with this woman at all?

 

If not, I can only tell you form experience that literally every single woman I've been friends with has "fallen from the face of the earth" for some time right after getting married. I think folks get so into settling into the marriage and home that they forget about their other friends. They usually bounce back after 6 months or so, though.

 

Also: I've never (read: never, ever, ever) received a "Thank You" card for a wedding gift. Rude? Yes. Annoying? Heck yeah. But it happens frequently... and while I agree it shows some lack of tact on her part, I don't know if the lack of a card is reason to dump a friend in an of itself. Just my experience, though.

 

She looked you up and made contact. She probably feels awkward about not calling you up for so long. Honestly, if she's an otherwise decent person (and this is her only issue), I'd let her save face and roll with it.

 

Now. If you are a man, especially a single man... you might not like this (and it's not fair), but a lot of women build new distance into their male friendships after getting hitched. It's about respecting the husband. If that's the case and the friendship has always been platonic, your best bet is to befriend the new husband. Be his buddy, and then you are buddies with both. Win-win, right?

 

I hear you on annoying, though.. I'm a woman, and it seems like every time a female friend of mine gets married, there are weeks of intense hanging out (planning, helping, getting things ready), followed by..... nothing. Gone. Incommunicado. It can be hurtful if you don't expect it (hence, I've come to expect it as a natural part of a the matrimonial process).

[ja123]

Thanks for your response, nescafe.

 

 

I appreciate it.

 

 

I'm a single woman.

 

 

Actually, I'm surprised to hear that you've never received a thank you card after a wedding. It is considered good form. It's not something that one expects immediately after the wedding, but let's say within 4-6 weeks at the latest.

 

 

Anyhow, there's more history between her and me than I related in my OP. I think you're right, if it's just this one instance then give the woman a break. I also think you're perhaps right that she's feeling embarrassed somewhere (maybe) and that might possibly be why her message to me was so brief and impersonal.

 

 

I've been piecing together aspects of her personality based on behaviour, and ultimately it doesn't sit well with me.

 

 

There's a lot I like and admire about her, certainly, but there are other aspects that just don't jive.

 

 

For instance, a bunch of us gals got together a rented a limo for a night on the town with our dying friend. That was 3 years ago. We were all we to split the cost, and pay our portion to the woman who actually coughed up and put the limo on her credit card. This woman never paid her portion. In addition, she mentioned she was strapped for cash and hadn't money to eat (probably about a year and a half ago), I had taken her out to an conference about investing (to cheer her up and give her hope), plus discretely passed her some cash in an envelop. Well, she never said thanks or acknowledged that.

 

 

I get the feeling that she is dealing with deep issues of shame somewhere, and I don't want to kick someone when they're down; but, she can do (and has done) a 180 and be the biggest braggart. I see the 180 as part and parcel of the whole: shame versus false pride/arrogance.

 

 

I guess I'm just tired of this, and don't feel I want to bother keeping in touch, at this point.

 

 

And yeah, a lot of people pulled together to help make her wedding happen ... so wtf?

 

 

I don't have the energy at this point, and quite frankly am tired of being her audience. There's more, but ... whatever.

 

 

This isn't about sour grapes on my end because I'm single and now she's married. It's about basic respect and reciprocity.

Edited December 8, 2013 by ja123

[nescafe1982]

Oh, I tell you: some little piece of me fumes at not getting Thank You notes for wedding gifts. I find it very, very rude to not send a note when one gets a gift (but then, I send thank yous for Xmas and Bday gifts, and I don't know many others who do that, either). With all the weddings I've had to go to in the past 10 years, I've just decided against getting upset about it anymore... makes life easier.

 

As for your friend: it does indeed sound like there is a larger pattern of (mis)behavior that's been causing trouble with you two. I will only point out (just for purposes of discussion) that there is a classic dyad of insecurity here: you say she's routinely down on herself and feeling shame, but then "does a 180" and becomes a horrible braggart. Those aren't two opposite impulses... they are two manifestations of the same issue. Compulsive bragging is a way of venting insecurities... a sort of pantomimed defense against all the negative self-talk going on in her head.

 

Anyway, friendships should not be "draining" as you've described here. If you're not getting anything out of being close to this woman, than perhaps it is time to take a step back.

 

Of course (and I mention this because it's another classic female-friendship pattern), this doesn't mean you have to totally dump her or never talk again. If you enjoy her company in small doses, with little emotional investment... maybe you just see her every-so-often and in a group setting only. I've maintained a few "difficult" friendships that way... and enjoyed them more thoroughly because I don't leave feeling sapped of my energy.

 

Just some ideas. YMMV.

[ja123]

I will only point out (just for purposes of discussion) that there is a classic dyad of insecurity here: you say she's routinely down on herself and feeling shame, but then "does a 180" and becomes a horrible braggart. Those aren't two opposite impulses... they are two manifestations of the same issue.

 

 

 

I knew you would have something interesting and intelligent to say!

 

 

That's what I was getting at with part and parcel of the same whole. I really like how you expressed it.

 

 

I'll have to google "dyads". She has more than one going on. I don't understand, for instance, how she can be so down on sex before marriage now that's she's become a born-again-Christian, yet wear really short skirts with patterned hose, and really high-heels. I just don't get it. Perhaps you could offer some insight.

 

 

 

I must add that it's no surprise she mightn't have money for food, as she'd rather spend what she has on clothes. I guess that's quite significant, isn't it? How she is seen by others is more important that nourishing herself with basic food. Her nourishment is external.

 

But what am I going to do in the meantime?

 

 

Well, I must like her, right? Otherwise, I wouldn't be on here posting about it. I wouldn't feel hurt.

 

 

I don't know what I'm going to do about it, though.

 

 

I like your idea of taking her in small doses and in groups. That's worth considering.

 

 

Honestly, though, my feelings have been hurt, and I think I'd turn blue holding my breath for an apology.

 

 

Nah, there are other people to spend time with. People with whom I feel care about me, too.

 

 

I'll have to hand it to her though, she sure had me sold.

Edited December 9, 2013 by ja123