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Lost respect for her. Should I still be her friend?


penelopefitz

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penelopefitz

Oh, where do I begin?

 

Way back in September, my best friend Julie started dating Rob. Rob introduced her to his dormmate, Craig. Craig's kind of an awkward guy who doesn't have a lot of friends, but for some reason, Craig and Julie hit it off. They became best friends over several months. They had more in common than her and Rob. You probably know where I'm going with this...

 

So, fast forward to March, Julie breaks up with Rob. Rob kind of loses it. He wouldn't leave her alone for a few weeks. Julie and Craig remained friends. They were so close, everyone suspected they were dating, even me, since I was usually hanging out with them.

 

In May, I finally asked Julie if her and Craig were dating. She flat-out said "no" and "Why would you think that?"

 

I finally found out from a mutual friend that Julie and Craig had actually been dating the ENTIRE TIME. I talked to Craig over the phone, and he admitted that Julie cheated on Rob with him.

 

Now Rob did some pretty unforgivable things after she broke up with him, but I feel that they kind of drove him crazy! Julie made him sound like the bad guy the whole time, but I never knew she cheated on him! I'm hurt she couldn't trust me with her I'm-dating-Craig secret, and I'm disgusted she cheated on Rob several times. I know none of this is really my business and people make mistakes, but I lost a lot of respect for her. She made me feel so sorry for her, and I find this out...I just feel kind of stupid. I've been asking others on what I should do, but my gut feeling is to just not talk to her anymore. I left a lot out so shorten it somewhat, but this is the gist of things.

 

Maybe I answered my own question, but I was just curious on how you all would feel or what you would do if you were in this situation?

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It is likely that your friend did not share her situation with you because she was afraid that you would judge her. People share with those they feel comfortable with.

 

Even if I don't approve of something a close friend has done which does not affect me, the love and respect I have for them never fades. One of my best friends habitually chooses parasitic losers to date. While her choices infuriate and sadden me to no end, she is still my best bud and long lost sister.

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Maybe Julie was trying to protect you. If she told you what was happening between her and Craig, then you become indirectly complicit in her affair: Had you known the truth and had Rob asked you what was going on, would you have been able to lie (even if by omission) to Rob?

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HoneyBadgerDontCare

It's good that you are against your friend cheating. It shows that you have morals and values.

 

If all people were like you, the dating world would be a better place.

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todreaminblue

with friends i have, i f they make mistakes i forgive them,i might not respect or agree with choices they make or the same for them in regards to my choices but i respect their freedom to make their own mistakes or successes

 

 

 

 

whether they are mistakes or successes....i am there for them......

 

 

joy or sadness or confusion or anger........if people only hung around while their friends had good times without trials....or sins...(which we all do but just differently)...no one person on earth would have a friend.............not a single one.........being human is making mistakes......we all make them...its not that hard to accept...you can concentrate on this wrong choice....or you can concentrate on maybe all the right ones she has made....its all perspective.........deb

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How did this mutual friend know, and you didn't? was s/he told? if so by who? If this Julie told the other friend but not you, then she doesn't really consider you her best friend. If the other friend found out (like saw them on a date or something), Julie was simply using you to make herself feel better (justifying her actions, essentially) while misleading Rob the whole time. In either case, there's something fundamentally wrong about your relationship with her, and she might have some issues, namely, trust ones.

 

I remember seeing something similar, though I wasn't close to any of the people involved. I remember there was this self-proclaimed fiance of a marine who was on duty. She was super excited and stuff about their upcoming wedding, but she was getting pretty close and chummy with this one somewhat awkward guy. I don't know how it turned out, but at one point, the guy asked me after class to tell her that he was talking to the teacher so just go on without him. She had this super awkwardly disappointed face when I told her. It was pretty clear at that point that they were more than "just friends".

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coffeebean201

well maybe Julie and Craig will end up getting married and live happily ever after.

 

sounds like Rob is going to be a handful now to date because he has very significant trust issues, and he tends not to handle breakups too well. So he'll keep "testing the loyalty" of the next woman he dates - not very fun for her.

 

i'm stuck on the fact she cheated with his dormmate. it is bad.

 

awkward people take a while to get to know, so you can sort of see how this happened. but still not a great way to start a new relationship.

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It sounds like your friend made the right call not to confide in you- she knew you'd judge the hell out of her- and she was right.

 

I've kept a lot of the same friends for over 20 years- they know everything about me, good and bad, and I know the same about them. I've never felt judged, nor have they. It's a really nice feeling to feel safe talking about your feelings and actions knowing some jackass isn't going to leap onto their high horse and tell you you're a terrible person.

 

If the people you consider your close friends aren't being honest with you about the things they consider private- they don't trust you with their feelings. Maybe you should ask yourself why your friend didn't feel safe telling you what was going on.

 

I am betting there are many different variations of what actually happened in this story- his/hers/hearsay... Regardless of the truth, she didn't feel comfortable revealing her truth to you.

 

You're indignant about this girl not telling you the truth, and in the next breath condemning her for doing what she did. In other words she made the right call not to confide in you.

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penelopefitz

We haven't really talked since June. Julie and I have lived together for a year in the same apartment at a college housing complex. I moved out in June due to the landlord being involved in stealing my mail, which got me out of my lease. This upcoming year, Julie, Craig, and I were planning on living together. After the mail incident and other things (we shared with two other roommates who were into heavy drugs, etc.) I was ready to move out, and I got to. I think she was mad because she felt I ditched her and Craig (we all have separate rent, so if someone leaves, the price does not go up for the others). She was also supposed to hep me move, but backed out at the last minute because she wanted to go home (about a half hour away) and left me in a bit of a pickle. We got into a fight about that. It just hasn't been a very healthy friendship lately.

 

I guess to add a little more to the story, we live in Arizona. We grew up together in a small town in Illinois, so I've known her since I was four. She got a scholarship to move out to AZ our last year of high school, and I stayed to go to school in IL. I went through a bout of depression because all of my best friends moved away and my life at home was difficult. After a year, I had the opportunity from Julie to move out to AZ with her, and I took that opportunity and ran with it.

 

I hope they are happy, Craig is a great person who is very dear to me. I wish him and Julie the best, because they really do go great together. The whole situation was very drawn out and complicated and it didn't have to be.

 

I don't know. I've changed a lot since I moved here. I'm a very independent person now, I live out here with no family whatsoever. I have been through a lot this last year. Even Julie has said I've changed, maybe she resents that?

 

I'm just rambling now.

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People that make mistakes can still be good people.

 

If not your best friend, certain people can still ad value to your life through spending time with them occasionally; they do not have to me Mother Teresa.

 

Maybe instead of judging people, you could try to HELP them? If a good friend does something wrong, maybe sit down with her and talk to her about how you think she is BETTER than that?

 

With my good friends, if they do something I consider to be mean or wrong in any way, I will tell them that I think they could be a better person than what they are being. I would talk to them about why they did it.

 

I would never do it in an accusatory tone, though; I would simply talk to them normally, without a harsh tone, and ask them " so.. why do you think you did it? Is there anything you want to learn from it? Do you want to avoid making the same mistake again? How do you think you can make positive chances to avoid messing up again?

 

Perfectly NICE people cheat. Heck, I have sparks with more than one men, I am that type of girl; I am sure that when I am in love with my next partner, I will come across men who I know I would have had something special with. Personally, I would avert any risk of cutting them out if I knew I had the potential to fall in love with them. However, I CAN TOTALLY see why people are hedonistic, selfish, short sited and just too.... silly to make the RIGHT decision at times!

 

Cheating happens! People get together with someone they think they really like, they feel happy enough to stay with them, only to discover that actually, they met someone else they feel an immense desire to become intimate with. People get caught up in the moment. It happens to the best of us.

 

As long as a person learns from it the first time, and chooses to not repeat their mistakes! As long as a person feels awful about doing a bad thing, and tries really hard to change so they do not make the same mistake!

 

You are very judgmental. That is fine, that is who you are. You're the only type of person I avoid being friends with, too! Mean spirited, dangerous or judgmental people are literally the only types I would NOT want as a friend.

 

Is that judgmental? Maybe. But hey, I would be open to being their friend if they changed their judgmental ways.

 

No one likes to be judged harshly. Not unless they truly are awful people and deserve bad judgment.

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penelopefitz

I guess everyone is making me out to be evil. In my defense, other things play into this that I didn't mention because it didn't really pertain to this story. We have just been growing apart, and it is time for us to move on.

 

Leigh_87, I am very aware of my being judgmental! I tell it like it is, which can be come in handy sometimes, but I'm often viewed as bitchy and stubborn. Oh well.

 

Maybe one day Julie and I will talk again, who knows? Right now, I'm more focused on whether or not I have enough money to make my car payment :p

 

Thanks to everyone for their input!

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That's a tough one since it's important to remember that people make mistakes, but at the same time we should be friends with people who are of good character. It depends on how much a mistake bothers you or causes you to lose trust/respect in that person.

 

I'll never forget the friend that I stood by while she made one mistake after another of cheating on the boyfriend, using men, all sorts of things like that. I shouldn't have stood by her for as long as I did, not because of what she did but because she never admitted to doing anything wrong. It was a red flag for the way she treated people. Eventually she turned that attitude in my direction and couldn't ever apologize to me, despite putting me down and taking advantage of me. Her refusal to apologize ended our "friendship" which I now believe never truly existed.

 

What hit it home for me was the day she confided in me that one of her friends had ended the friendship with her because of what she had done. For once, I didn't feel sorry for her. Instead, I felt huge respect for the woman who did that. I felt foolish for remaining loyal to her while others walked away.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi

 

If other people violate our personal values we have the right to decide to move on.Being judgemental does have the tendency though to come back and bite us on the behind as everyone makes mistakes in life.Having a filter for our words is also something some of us learns the hard way.

 

All of us change,it is called growing up.You decide who you want to be and what you stand for in life.

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It's up to you. I'm having an issue with a friend of mine too who is proud to whore herself out to random guys. We got into a huge fight over it and we aren't speaking because I told her I didn't want to be around someone like that. I'm still deciding on whether to apologize to her for judging, but it's hard. She's a decent girl and it's sad to see her doing what she's doing and being miserable all at the same time.

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  • 2 weeks later...
LonelyInsomniac

I'm one of those judgmental people. I am also loyal, and respect decisions no matter how much I disagree with them.

 

However, there is one thing I can't respect - and that's cheating. You are putting your partner in physical danger when you begin cheating, and I'm not going to honor someone's decision that requires them to dishonor my right to honesty.

 

Would you have felt alright sharing the responsibility to cover this up? Would you feel more burdened being a passive accomplice in her deeds?

 

From my perspective... she didn't do more wrong by not telling you than she did in getting into the affair in the first place. That's not to say she hasn't done you wrong.

 

No one likes being left out; especially not by someone they care about.

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I wouldn't have covered it up. I would have disconnected myself from the situation as best I could. Behavior like that is reckless and dangerous, and while it's their lives, as friends of theirs, we have the right to tell them how we feel about it. Otherwise, what are friends for?

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this is a tough one, if you truly feel you lost respect for her and is annoyed with the fact she cheated then let her go.

I know my best friend had a boyfriend who I couldn't stand. I lost respect for the fact she would date trash and we didn't speak for several months. Eventually her boo went to jail and we started to talk again. Sometimes our friends do crap and just because we are there friend doesn't mean we should stand by them. If you truly feel your aspect of her has change then let her go.

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It's tough to be friends with someone you don't respect. Step away. Maybe in a few months when the dust has settled you can reconnect, but for now, walk away.

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This is interesting. I've posted here quite a few times because I was once the person that got cheated on. Yet everyone took my Ahole exes side and cut me off. It was like double betrayal. Everyone here told me to stay in NC, but I still wonder would things be different if I didn't?

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Just stop talking to her and spending time with her.. Stop being her friend.. You can't be her friend b'cuz you have feelings for her and she doesn't know what her feelings for you are.

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I think a lot of people don't have personal values. Just look at the breakup forums. A lot of people have been cheated on, yet people are always willing to stick by the cheater.

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