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Did He Drop the Ball or Am I Over-reacting? Need Guys' Perspective...


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Summary:

I have a guy best friend whom I like. I JUST broke up with a BF of 6 years who is also friends with my guy best friend (through me, so the guy best friend is closer to me than he is to my now ex). The main issue: I feel that my guy best friend has abandoned me during my greatest time of need - a distressing break-up of a 6 year relationship - and I am FURIOUS. Did guy best friend drop the ball or am I over-reacting (i.e., expecting too much from him because of the fact that I like him)?

 

Context:

Best guy friend and I have known each other for a year. He is also my colleague. We are both big-city people trying to survive in a small town with a highly demanding job that is new to both of us. We've spent a lot of time together. At work, we have lunch together everyday and sometimes, lunch meetings turn into further discussions of throwing around ideas in my office for an hour and a half. I think it is mostly platonic on his end though. He dates other women and I am his confidante talking about these women along with our professional issues, and lately, his friendships with two difficult mutual friends in particular. He has been my confidante for a long time (for months) about my dissatisfaction with my bf I just broke up with of 6 years. In a way, I think I've started to think of best guy friend as having the main quality that is missing from the bf I just broke up with, but best guy friend doesn't know that I think this. Both of us talk frequently about the qualities in ideal partners we are looking for, and as we mutually list them off, it's sometimes awkward because there is a quiet understanding (at least on my part) that the list sounds a lot like each other. I least I am conscious of this - for him, I don't know. We have the kind of relationship where we can openly talk about our strengths and weaknesses, and since we see each other in both personal and professional contexts, and we understand those contexts so well, we know each other pretty well, sort of serving as each other's mirrors. I have to say that his weaknesses are my strengths and vice versa. Sometimes when best guy friend and my ex I just broke up with and I were out together, I've noticed that the chemistry is more present between me and best guy friend rather than bf. Waitresses have mistaken me and best guy friend as dating. Friends have commented that we are very similar....all this even while bf was present.

 

Also relevant is that best guy friend is a very sensitive guy. He's super perceptive about people, is a nice guy, super intelligent, but sort of a tortured soul who's been trapped in the world of Alpha Male Central (e.g., Wall Street, etc.) for a long time, when his true personality is more akin to being a caring veterinarian or something. But he does have this habit of wanting to look more Alpha than he really is. He's the kind of guy who is a sponge of people's emotions around him, and while he is very good at reading others' emotions, I think he has a bit of trouble regulating his own, not being impacted by other's negative moods, etc. He's also someone who needs a lot of people to listen to him as he sorts through his life through the advice of others. He needs to be listened to. He's also a nice guy and he is horrible at rejecting women or communicating things that carry bad news, conflict resolution, etc.

 

Lately, while I was traveling overseas, he went through couple weeks of hell, both professionally and personally. He was in legal trouble professionally, and although it ended up that everything was just a huge mix up not of his own doing, it was the scariest couple days for him. He also got into interpersonal issues with two of our mutual friends and he had to cut ties with them both (they both turned out to be a bit crazy, coincidentally).

 

I still talked to him occasionally through texting while I was away overseas. He really sounded like he needed to talk to me as soon as I got back. The day I got back, even if I was jet-lagged, I listened to his 2 hour monologue, straight. I also got requests from these two women to see me to understand what's going on with him. I met with them also and gave them closure, playing mediator. He was very appreciative of my friendship/my interpersonal skills during this time, he said he couldn't ever lose me as a friend, and we got especially close. He said that if I ever broke up with my bf, he would always be there for me. I thought that was very sweet.

 

What Happened

Best guy friend has been planning to go to another city for a couple months for work which was being delayed from the legal issues. After I came back from overseas, I saw him for a week until he flew out to the other city. As usual, we had lunch everyday.

 

Coincidentally, I broke up with my bf two days before best guy friend was supposed to leave to the other city. I texted him the night right after the break happened and he was sympathetic over text for about 15 minutes (he was talking to one of his dates over skype at the time). The next day, I saw him at work. It was his last work day before he left so he was very busy. I saw with my peripheral vision that he was checking up on me in front of my office, almost afraid to approach me, as I would be super upset from the breakup. He came in anyway and asked me how I'm doing, but everything in his body language screamed "I can't deal wit this right now" demeanor. He told me not to take it the wrong way but he couldn't grab dinner with me or anything that night. His next day was planned for packing, but he wasn't planning on spending even an hour with me to just be with me. He had to drop off his plants though, so he went home with me. It was silent the whole ride to my place, and as I wiped away my tears in silence, he finally told me that he felt paralyzed as he was afraid of saying the wrong thing to me. I finally broke down a bit so he took 10 minutes to take me to get ice cream, but then after that I walked him home and that was it. He texted me one week later that the other city is awesome and he hopes I'm doing ok.

 

I am FURIOUS. I understand that men and women deal with women differently. I understand that he is one of those guys who is especially uncomfortable with women crying. I would even understand that he just wanted to run away. He's awesome making me feel better when the emotional dial is a 6/10 but when it's 10/10, he wants to bolt. But this was the end of a 6 year breakup, soon after all the stuff I did for him and he was highly appreciative of my friendship just recently. How come he can't even spend an hour with me to comfort me? Even if he sucked at it and it wasn't his style to talk about feelings, why couldn't he just sit there with me when I could hardly breathe? Instead, he couldn't wait to bolt, and texts me after a week (I'm sure he's thinking after a week I'd be camer).

 

I feel like he totally dropped the ball and being a total coward. He's a 34 year old man, by the way, and I'm 32. What the hell?? Does he think that I like him and all my issues are going to be dumped on him? Am i just being over-sensitive and the breakup happened at a really bad time? He could have just told me to come by while he was packing on the last day, tell me he can't give me his whole attention but he can listen. No?

 

So pissed! What do you guys think is going through his head??

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