How do you make friends? Your stories.

[GG3]

I have always been introverted and solitary. There was a few years when I went out a lot, most of it office happy hours. I no longer have the metabolism for that nor do I wish to drink a lot anymore.

 

I like a lot of alone time. I like to go to the gym by myself and left weights. I take walks for exercise. I like to read or watch tv at home.

 

I find it hard make or keep friends. I have found that male friends eventually reveal that they are interested in more than friends (even if they are married) and then they don't want to be friends anymore when they realize it isn't going to happen, female friends eventually get a boyfriend and become very busy with that. I have a had a few female friends over the years that we just grow apart because they either get married or they want to stay out all night clubbing and I'm not into that.

 

How often does everyone go out on here? What kinds of things do you do with your friends? How do you go about making new friends?

 

This is aimed towards the non-partying crowd.

[BigTuna]

I guess I fit into this category. To be fair, up until I was 18 or 19 I never had a shortage of friends. Never had a particularly large group of friends but I had 2 or 3 close ones and further 4 or 5 that I would mingle with occasionally outside of work/college. I've always struggled with shyness and am just a naturally introverted character. When I was young, I had to get absolutely wasted on a night out just to loosen up and fit in, because clubbing/pubbing wasn't my scene at all.

 

Like I said though, that was up until 18/19. At that point I began going to university; naturally lost contact with some friends and my close ones albeit two of them. I was doing a course that required strong social skills, and not being a quitter, I saw it through as long as possible even though I was deeply not enjoying it. It was around this age I developed a really, really bad eating disorder bred out of my lack of confidence, disinterest in the course, and my isolation.

 

Age 21 I got into my first relationship. At this point I wasn't at university any longer, and had few friends I could rely on. I was still in the thick of my eating disorder too, so you can imagine how heavily I was infatuated with this girl. Throughout my 3-year relationship my thoughts mainly consisted of her and that burden on my shoulders I already mentioned. I didn't really find time for friends, which I now know, was a serious error....

 

6 months ago I lost the girl (which I've accepted is a good thing) and was put in the position of "I really need to get out there and start again". Sorry for slightly going off on a tangent, but I believe that's the mentality you need to adopt in order to find some new friends/companions. I'm of the non-partying crowd too, but when an invitation has come my way, I've took it. Even if it's only a couple of nights a month. You weigh up how much time you're gonna spend by yourself and a couple of nights is really nothing. You never know what's gonna come of it.

 

Of course that's not the only other place you're going to meet friends/people. The workplace is always a great environment. Organise a meal/cinema trip; don't be scared to be the one to organise it. I went to my first music festival this year with my mate from work. There was aspects that put me completely out of my comfort zone, but I'm sitting here now reflecting on it and it was a helluva an experience.

 

Guess what I'm trying to say is you don't have to change too much at all. Most of my days still consist of exercising alone, walking the dog, & of course working, but when that one opportunity does come your way challenge yourself to say yes because you just don't know what bond with a person or anything, you could be denying.

[Babolat]

I have always been introverted and solitary. There was a few years when I went out a lot, most of it office happy hours. I no longer have the metabolism for that nor do I wish to drink a lot anymore.

 

I like a lot of alone time. I like to go to the gym by myself and left weights. I take walks for exercise. I like to read or watch tv at home.

 

I find it hard make or keep friends. I have found that male friends eventually reveal that they are interested in more than friends (even if they are married) and then they don't want to be friends anymore when they realize it isn't going to happen, female friends eventually get a boyfriend and become very busy with that. I have a had a few female friends over the years that we just grow apart because they either get married or they want to stay out all night clubbing and I'm not into that.

 

How often does everyone go out on here? What kinds of things do you do with your friends? How do you go about making new friends?

 

This is aimed towards the non-partying crowd.

 

47 yr old male here....Thanks for posting this; to a degree you are telling my story. I am social, easy to talk to and I like being around people. I am active and like to get out and do things.

 

Most of my male friends want to go out drinking. I like to occassionally, but not all the time. They also want to go to bars to pick up woman, which I simply do not do. I have a couple of married male friends and we try to go out though they are usually busy doing their married things, which I understand. I am a third wheel a lot, which is OK.

 

I recently decided to try to make some female friends. Most, like you, eventually want more, even though I tell them just friends. One recently crossed our boundary, she got touchy feely with me out one night at a bar, only to have her tell me she has a bf. She has now decided we can't be friends, which stinks as I was enjoying hanging out with her. Another one has turned into a good friend, a very good friend. And for a while we were doing something every weekend. I actually spent all day Sunday with her and had a great day.

 

I have tried MeetUp.com, though most of them feel like a meat market and I am not comfortable. I feel like I am competing with other men, when in fact I am there to make male freinds and female friends. Most of the men stare at me like I have horns on my head when I try to strike up a conversation. I have joined some hiking, biking, volunteering, mediatation and yoga ones, which I like.

 

I volunteer as much as I can, which I love.

 

So, what do I do with my friends? Mostly go out for dinner, go to a festival, bike, go see live music, go to a baseball game, things like that. I do like to go out and dance, and of course my male friends are not good for that!

 

I also try to step outside of my comfort zone...for example, Sunday I had brunch with my female friend, she ordered bloody marsy, which I have never done, so I said what the heck, had two, had a GREAT time. I also accpet her invitations to go see bands I don't know at small venues. I always end up having fun. And, like the previous poster said, when you get an invitiation, go out. I am also inviting my brother out to do more things. He si older, divorced, in a messed up relationship, so he ends up talking to me about that. I know I am helping him by listening, which feels good.

 

I tried the work thing. I really do not connect with my current colleagues outside of work; we are just different. Most of them are married or young.

Edited July 9, 2013 by Babolat

[Emilia]

How often does everyone go out on here? What kinds of things do you do with your friends? How do you go about making new friends?

 

I am introverted too and I like my downtime, reading and listening to music especially. I much prefer training at the gym by myself as well. I do like talking to people etc but my preference is to train alone when possible.

 

I do have some interests that I really only find enjoyable in groups: one is watching sport. This is how I spend time with 3 of my friends, we love the same sport, they used to play or still do, I just love watching it. I spend a lot of time with my sister too because I like talking to her and I have drinks with colleagues after work - but these are the only occasions I think when I spend time with people just talking.

 

I sail too and hang out with people who enjoy it, so I suppose to me it's about shared activities and hobbies. I have found it a better bond over the years than just talking.

[Taramere]

I think three useful rules are

 

1) Be friendly but respectful of boundaries

2) Be open to invitations

3) Accept that you're never going to be liked by everybody, and learn to shrug off the occasional chilly response.

 

I used to be extremely shy, but a year of travelling round the world on my own when I was in my twenties cured that. Albeit the friendships you make doing that tend to be short term ones due to geography - but still, it's certainly good for forcing you to get out there and be social. As others are saying, you do have to take a few risks and go out of your comfort zone from time to time.

Edited July 9, 2013 by Taramere

[Emilia]

I used to be extremely shy, but a year of travelling round the world on my own when I was in my twenties cured that. Albeit the friendships you make doing that tend to be short term ones due to geography - but still, it's certainly good for forcing you to get out there and be social. As others are saying, you do have to take a few risks and go out of your comfort zone from time to time.

Same. Socialising is a skill really.

[Taramere]

Same. Socialising is a skill really.

 

When I was in my teens I was fine speaking to other people my age, family friends and any adult who was particularly good with teens, but I was pretty abysmal with

 

a) any guy I had a crush on

b) adults I didn't know

 

My dad decided it was time I was taken out of myself, so he drove me round to this business networking event (I was 17) dropped me off there and told me to meet people. I stood there at a bar drinking orange juice and feeling completely mortified while small gaggles of people in their 30s, 40s and 50s talked business and shot me curious looks. After about 20 minutes of this I called my dad and asked him to pick me up. He yelled at me all the way home about how I needed to learn to socialise with people. I mean for ****'s sake

 

A spot of temping in various companies helped break me out of the worst of it. I've often found that with office juniors they'll start out all sullen faced and avoidant - then after a couple of months or so they bloom, because they're losing their shyness. It's nice to see, when that happens.

[Emilia]

When I was in my teens I was fine speaking to other people my age, family friends and any adult who was particularly good with teens, but I was pretty abysmal with

 

a) any guy I had a crush on

b) adults I didn't know

 

My dad decided it was time I was taken out of myself, so he drove me round to this business networking event (I was 17) dropped me off there and told me to meet people. I stood there at a bar drinking orange juice and feeling completely mortified while small gaggles of people in their 30s, 40s and 50s talked business and shot me curious looks. After about 20 minutes of this I called my dad and asked him to pick me up. He yelled at me all the way home about how I needed to learn to socialise with people. I mean for ****'s sake

:laugh: typical man, I'm sorry

 

My family in general have terrible social skills, I still argue with my sister about this because when she came out to see me in Zambia I couldn't get her to talk to my bosses who put her up for free in our luxury camps. She still doesn't get it. She doesn't understand why you greet the cashier at the supermarket and ask them how they are. She thinks it's superficial

 

I started getting better when I came to the UK and met my future husband then university helped lots. You have to give kids a break about these things though, generally anyone under 25.

[will1988]

Most of my friends, actually all of my friends, were friends from one of the various college programs I've been in, or from chilhood/high school. Generally, I made my friends by just talking to these people about class, and being as I am an outgoing person (I do have moments of introversion too) I can start a conversation about something and let it spiral out of control on to a million other subjects really fast... you get to know people that way. And when you see and talk to the same people frequently you end up hanging out and then becoming friends. Thats how it worked for me. So it was either class related, club related, or living in the same dorm, or talking to people while smoking and seeing them again and again etc... Smoking, albeit a nasty killer habbit, has caused a few close friendships. People from my night classes go out to smoke on breaks, and I go out to smoke too, and we end up shooting the schidt and become friends or at the very least friendly. You just need to find common ground.

[Taramere]

:laugh: typical man, I'm sorry

 

He also taught me to swim by throwing me into the middle of a swimming pool when I was 3. I almost drowned and was rescued by another (very angry) father who was in the pool with his kids - doing things the correct way (with inflatable butterfly wings and rings).

 

My family in general have terrible social skills, I still argue with my sister about this because when she came out to see me in Zambia I couldn't get her to talk to my bosses who put her up for free in our luxury camps. She still doesn't get it. She doesn't understand why you greet the cashier at the supermarket and ask them how they are. She thinks it's superficial

 

Oh God, I had a French friend like this years ago. She was a kind friend if she liked you, but unfortunately she hated about 99% of people. She was also the most terminally negative person ever. She was working as a waitress, and forever complained about the pay and lack of opportunities - but any suggestions you made for her improving matters were dismissed with (and I'm not kidding) a Gallic shrug. I remember suggesting she get a job in one of the famous cafes in the middle of Paris as she had excellent English skills. She stared at me in abject horror. "But I would 'ave to smile at people." Well surely it wouldn't crack your face? "It might, if I 'ave to kiss asses. I do not kiss asses."

 

You just couldn't persuade her that there was a fairly generous area of ground between kissing asses and projecting white hot hatred at 99% of the population. I think most people will generally respond well to a smile and a friendly manner. Knowing that particular person helped me to understand some of the issues of people who don't.

[Emilia]

Oh God, I had a French friend like this years ago. She was a kind friend if she liked you, but unfortunately she hated about 99% of people. She was also the most terminally negative person ever. She was working as a waitress, and forever complained about the pay and lack of opportunities - but any suggestions you made for her improving matters were dismissed with (and I'm not kidding) a Gallic shrug. I remember suggesting she get a job in one of the famous cafes in the middle of Paris as she had excellent English skills. She stared at me in abject horror. "But I would 'ave to smile at people." Well surely it wouldn't crack your face? "It might, if I 'ave to kiss asses. I do not kiss asses."

 

You just couldn't persuade her that there was a fairly generous area of ground between kissing asses and projecting white hot hatred at 99% of the population. I think most people will generally respond well to a smile and a friendly manner. Knowing that particular person helped me to understand some of the issues of people who don't.

Yes well if you ever go to Eastern Europe you will find a lot of people like that because we are not taught of the importance of social skills - the result of living in a less commercialised world for decades I suppose, social lubrication isn't so important when you are not selling things. That's my theory on grumpiness anyway

[will1988]

Yes well if you ever go to Eastern Europe you will find a lot of people like that because we are not taught of the importance of social skills - the result of living in a less commercialised world for decades I suppose, social lubrication isn't so important when you are not selling things. That's my theory on grumpiness anyway

 

That would explain why all the Russian exchange gals from my earlier college years were so... errrrr.... up tight.

 

What part of Eastern Europe are you from?

[Emilia]

That would explain why all the Russian exchange gals from my earlier college years were so... errrrr.... up tight.

 

What part of Eastern Europe are you from?

Hungary. Yeah you don't see us go around telling people to have a nice day. It's not Florida.

[will1988]

Hungary. Yeah you don't see us go around telling people to have a nice day. It's not Florida.

 

Hungary! I've always had a soft sport for Eastern European women... this would explain why I like ya so much!

 

Well it depends on what part of Florida, and depending on what part may depend on the color of your skin. Or age, a tone of old people live in Florida (my mom's parents included) and they may give you some really weird responses. lol

[Emilia]

Hungary! I've always had a soft sport for Eastern European women... this would explain why I like ya so much!

That's strange reasoning but thank you very much.

Well it depends on what part of Florida, and depending on what part may depend on the color of your skin. Or age, a tone of old people live in Florida (my mom's parents included) and they may give you some really weird responses. lol

With all seriousness the 'have a good day' in parts of the US started grating after a few days. The 'huh' of Nevada was almost refreshing

[will1988]

That's strange reasoning but thank you very much.

 

With all seriousness the 'have a good day' in parts of the US started grating after a few days. The 'huh' of Nevada was almost refreshing

 

Well it is a Southern Vs. Northern, Urban vs. Suburban or Rural thing... it honestly depends on where you go in the U.S. I am born/raised/live in a cusp zone. I live in Virginia, a southern state, but I live in an sub/urbanized part of the state that borders Washington DC... so for me I grew up learning both southern mannors / charm with a dash of my northern family's way of life. I always chose the "have a good day" approach. Although, don't let a lot of that "have a good day" stuff have you fooled, a lot of southerns treet you very well to your face and then talk about you behind your back and or back stab you. Northerners will generally tell you to "f off" and tell you to your face if they don't like you. lol

[Babolat]

Most of my friends, actually all of my friends, were friends from one of the various college programs I've been in, or from chilhood/high school. Generally, I made my friends by just talking to these people about class, and being as I am an outgoing person (I do have moments of introversion too) I can start a conversation about something and let it spiral out of control on to a million other subjects really fast... you get to know people that way. And when you see and talk to the same people frequently you end up hanging out and then becoming friends. Thats how it worked for me. So it was either class related, club related, or living in the same dorm, or talking to people while smoking and seeing them again and again etc... Smoking, albeit a nasty killer habbit, has caused a few close friendships. People from my night classes go out to smoke on breaks, and I go out to smoke too, and we end up shooting the schidt and become friends or at the very least friendly. You just need to find common ground.

 

Funny you mention smoking. My ex gf smoked when she drank. I would go out with her sometimes when she did smoke; and I saw these "smoking" relationships and it was interesting to me to observe.

[Emilia]

Well it is a Southern Vs. Northern, Urban vs. Suburban or Rural thing... it honestly depends on where you go in the U.S. I am born/raised/live in a cusp zone. I live in Virginia, a southern state, but I live in an sub/urbanized part of the state that borders Washington DC... so for me I grew up learning both southern mannors / charm with a dash of my northern family's way of life. I always chose the "have a good day" approach. Although, don't let a lot of that "have a good day" stuff have you fooled, a lot of southerns treet you very well to your face and then talk about you behind your back and or back stab you. Northerners will generally tell you to "f off" and tell you to your face if they don't like you. lol

I've been to North Carolina, not very far from the Virginia border in a small town. The people were nice, not fake friendly but not rough either.

 

The Northern approach is my preference, it's how I grew up.

[will1988]

Funny you mention smoking. My ex gf smoked when she drank. I would go out with her sometimes when she did smoke; and I saw these "smoking" relationships and it was interesting to me to observe.

 

Yes it is an interesting dynamic... I think it has something to do with the act of smoking itself. You know that you are viewed as an outcast by most when you smoke because it is nasty and will kill you, but you do it anyway... so us persicuted band together over the addiction. Kind of like how drunk people at a bar will talk to random other drunk people at a bar, often times while outside smoking. lol. i've made lots of friendships these ways. I've landed a one night stand that turned in to a horrible relationship over smoking. lmao

[BigTuna]

I think three useful rules are

 

1) Be friendly but respectful of boundaries

2) Be open to invitations

3) Accept that you're never going to be liked by everybody, and learn to shrug off the occasional chilly response.

 

I used to be extremely shy, but a year of travelling round the world on my own when I was in my twenties cured that. Albeit the friendships you make doing that tend to be short term ones due to geography - but still, it's certainly good for forcing you to get out there and be social. As others are saying, you do have to take a few risks and go out of your comfort zone from time to time.

 

Absolutely 100% agree with your three points. Another thing that helps us, shy, introverted types is having an ounce of self-belief. Ya'kno, to rate yourself and approve what you bring to the party, so to speak. I'm 25 but it's only now I've mustered up some self-worth. I don't need people to tell me what a swell guy i am, I know.

 

Where did you travel, Taramere? I'm considering doing a working holiday in Canada next year

[BigTuna]

Funny you mention smoking. My ex gf smoked when she drank. I would go out with her sometimes when she did smoke; and I saw these "smoking" relationships and it was interesting to me to observe.

 

Exactly the same for me, man. Did you ever cave to peer pressure and smoke yourself to fit in? I did. Never felt right. I like to think I have will power as I don't smoke now and never did before I met her, but I felt like I was missing out on those nights out. I conformed, I guess!

[Babolat]

Yes it is an interesting dynamic... I think it has something to do with the act of smoking itself. You know that you are viewed as an outcast by most when you smoke because it is nasty and will kill you, but you do it anyway... so us persicuted band together over the addiction. Kind of like how drunk people at a bar will talk to random other drunk people at a bar, often times while outside smoking. lol. i've made lots of friendships these ways. I've landed a one night stand that turned in to a horrible relationship over smoking. lmao

And funny you mention the bar drinking...the same ex liked to drink at bars, a lot. And she told me it was mostly for the bonding, friendships she made throughout the years. And I saw this when we went out to bars with her.

[will1988]

And funny you mention the bar drinking...the same ex liked to drink at bars, a lot. And she told me it was mostly for the bonding, friendships she made throughout the years. And I saw this when we went out to bars with her.

 

Yep... although I've not met many close friends, or any for that matter, at the bars... that is all my group of friends wants to do when we hang out. Funny how things work.

[Babolat]

Exactly the same for me, man. Did you ever cave to peer pressure and smoke yourself to fit in? I did. Never felt right. I like to think I have will power as I don't smoke now and never did before I met her, but I felt like I was missing out on those nights out. I conformed, I guess!

 

I would occassionally smoke a cigarette with her, or share one, but only when drinking. And I actually liked it. As the relationship grew I found myself doing it less. It was probably exciting at first. I actually found it gross the more time I spent with her.

 

And, I did it again. I was hanging out with a girl recently for a few weeks and she suggested we buy a cigar; which I did, smoked it with her, and enjoyed it.

[will1988]

I would occassionally smoke a cigarette with her, or share one, but only when drinking. And I actually liked it. As the relationship grew I found myself doing it less. It was probably exciting at first. I actually found it gross the more time I spent with her.

 

And, I did it again. I was hanging out with a girl recently for a few weeks and she suggested we buy a cigar; which I did, smoked it with her, and enjoyed it.

 

As a heavy smoker, pack or pack and a half a day (depending on stress), I can say it is a very addictive habbit that is hard to shake. It will cost lots of money, around $5 and some change a day, so a little over $150 a month, and it will kill you... and of course make you sick, I've had pneumonia and bronchites several times this past year and I'm only 25. So don't go down the once in a blue moon path, because then it will turn in to once in a while, and then it will turn in to once every day, then once every other hour...