Are my friendships working?

[Katzen]

I've been having sort of a bad week and it made wonder about the depth of my closest relationships. I feel I put effort into them but now nothing goes out of it.

I had a biking accident, thankfully not very serious, but lost a tooth and cut my lips; enough to not be able to eat well for a few days. Together with failing a course; It has me thinking about the friends I consider my supports.

 

-My college mate.

He lives 10 miles from me and we take the same commuting route so we've been sharing lots of miles on the railroad. When he was a kid, he and his family moved out of the country and he returned here for college. He's a valedictorian (really smart guy) and academically top. Loves working out in the gym.

We only got together for studying and the only thing I feel I can offer him is a day around to see the city. Which isn't a small city and it's the one we commute for college.

He complains about not doing anything with college mates yet he's stubborn not to go to the city...

It makes me feel not relevant, like an annoyance. On many conversations we have he ends talking about his friends, which seem to be much and many... Infact, I know much more of his life than mine.

 

On a holiday, all of the other guys met up (me too) and he didn't come as he was sick; however I could visit him. However, he still is stubborn on not accepting a day on the city. Asking him for a reason and he can't give one and just keeps putting off excuses. He refuses any kind of invitation.

On a conversation he said "Maybe I'll go a friday night to the city", "No I will never go by day to sightsee"

I have to recognize I sort of idealised his figure and to convince him to come to the city has become even an obsessive challenge. What frustrates me the most is the sensation that he puts a wall in between.

 

-My oldest friend

This friend I've known since we both were 7/8; we had a really good frienship until I entered college. At this time, last year; he became bf of my HS classmate and we study the same courses but on different colleges. He's moved to the capital with the gf. Despite Facebook, we seldomly chat or talk.

My college is more demanding (had to get a better grade to get in) higher than his.

Since then when we talk about academics (he always asks), I feel that he wants to impose himself as being better (putting off my college and effort).

I haven't told him about the accident.

 

-The Strong support

This friend I knew through the latter one above has become the strongest support I have. He had to retake courses twice and is kind of disaster guy, yet very good guy. He usually visits me on his free time between lectures on HS. He is now on the final run, being this his last week. I could acknowledge of my accident through a message and even asked him for a visit, but he's just saying "a maybe". I like to think he's busy because of HS...

This morning my mom told me while having breakfast "see, you shouldn't tell you failed the course, after all you had the accident and he hasn't come visit you". And it kind of hit me hard.

 

While I've recieved many supports from everyone who's seen me (get well) the only one who's come to my house (just a quick visit) has been a 11 year kid I've known he was a toddler...

 

Today I've been recovering from the blues I've had for this week yet I've fallen on this doubt of trusting that much my friendships...

Edited May 14, 2013 by Katzen

[Katzen]

I guess I haven't externalised too much my feelings of feeling abandoned due not having someone to tell to. Got better by accepting the facts and accepting the failure of the course and it's an exercise to the own mind strength by not depending on someone to "cry to".

 

Something that I can't get is my college mate, I seem to get pushed away when I want to do something outside college. We have great relationship in the college and at the commute; but I don't seem to fit in, neither wanted to be in his plans on his free time out of the college world

.

Tomorrow I go to his town for a dentist visit (he knows) and I just chatted him about me being there to see if indirectly I could see if we could do something together. We have an exam this friday and we got together twice for studying.

He just wished me luck with the dentist and a "see you on friday".

 

The forecast is rainy and I guess he doen't plan to do any sports, anyways there is the exam to study for.

 

Perhaps I just nagged him too much or my character are not to like for being his friend. I keep on trying for doing things with him as I hold him in high consideration but he sort of pushes me away.

And at times he complains that he doesn't do anything with college mates.

 

I feel like Petty says in his song

"it's so painful

Something that's so close

is still so far out of reach "

 

To sum up to my feelings of abandon, there was a girl classmate that always asked me about my train and we walked to campus together (she fears the streets we cross) nowadays she just goes with the same train as the other girls and doesn't ask me at all. I sort of feel used as bodyguard that isn't needed anymore.