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Caring friend who speaks her mind? Or toxic friend?


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 7th May 2013, 10:42 PM   #1
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Question Caring friend who speaks her mind? Or toxic friend?

I had had a friend I met my senior year in highschool. We had homeroom together and since then we were inseperable. It's like any best friends; we went shopping together, made of fun people, skipped class, had sleepovers.. it was a great friendship. But there was always something about her that bothered me but could never put my finger on it, until after we graduated high school and became a little wiser.

Whenever she had a boyfriend, she was nowhere to be found. I had called upon her for a shoulder to lean on and she left me hanging, on more than one occasion. I didn't think it was a big deal because I soon went in my own direction, meeting my boyfriend of now 2.5 years. We would meet up here and there for coffee or a movie once in a while.

For some reason, she had a grudge against him because she believed he didn't treat me well. She was always saying how I deserve better and he won't amount to anything and I need to find a real man. Well my stupid ass always half-way listened to her. I'm easy manipulated and her constant poking at me to leave him dragged me away from him.

She ended up finding the 'man of her dreams' who in her eyes was perfect. But she would call me crying at least three times a week telling me how he controlled her and belittled her and she wanted to leave him. So I was always there for her, and I listened. But I NEVER told her to leave him. I told how I felt about him and that was that, but she always defended him. So afterwhile I found out they were getting married and she wanted me to be her maid of honor. I was ecstatic!! We became very close then because we were always making plans and trying on dresses and exchanging phone numbers -always in constant contact.

At the wedding, she had told me the best man thought I was attractive and was secretly trying to hook us up, while I was still with my now boyfriend. He ended up grabbing my ass right in front of my boyfriend, which I feel so bad for because I was so worried about ruining her wedding, I totally disregarded his feelings and told him to forget about it...

I had no contact with the best man after that, but still my friend kept pushing me to call him, date him, have sex with him, whatever..while still trying to get me to leave my boyfriend. I ended up moving in with her sister-in-law a little while after the wedding. We went to a wedding together and I ended up cheating on my boyfriend with some guy I met there.

This was over six months ago. He found out, we broke up and are now back together and seem to be doing well. He has his doubts and I have mine but ultimately I think we're going to be okay. It's obviously the biggest regret I've ever had in my life and I know I can't justify my actions but I'm wondering if my friends constant disapproval had something to do with my decision? I have never cheated in my life, and never ever thought I would. Especially on the love of my life because it broke his heart, which in turn broke mine

I told me now ex-friend that I don't want any contact with her because her opinions of my boyfriend are not acceptable. We've been friends longer than he and I have been dating but he's been here for me through thick and thin, and he's here for me even after I broke his heart. She's a fair-weathered friend. She tells me she's only looking out for me and she loves me so much that she doesn't want to lose me. But I feel this is one of the only ways to move past my mistake.

Did I do the right thing by telling her we can't be friends??
Any advice is really appreciated.. thank you!
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Old 8th May 2013, 12:29 AM   #2
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A real friend respects your choices even if she disagrees with them.
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Old 8th May 2013, 5:09 AM   #3
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Hi dear,
I have a friend like that too, she's one of my best friends, but would speak her mind directly without any tact. If she hates, she hates and doesn't beat around the bush about it. It always makes me upset, especially if she's talking about my boyfriends.

My advice would be think about why she hates your bf, why she wants you to leave him? Are her accusations true? Even if they are, say like he isn't romantic enough, can YOU stand it? If YOU can, then it doesn't matter what she thinks, since this is your relationship, not hers.

Listen to your heart. Is your bf perfect to YOU, as in you accept everything he is and you love him? If yes, then don't listen to your friend if she's toxic. Tell her you can do anything and say anything together, but NO TALKING about your relationship. Make it off-limits. If you need some help when things go bad, tell someone else, even if that person isn't your best of the best friends.

That is, if you still care about this friend. If you really don't care anymore, if you've had enough, just leave. If this is the case, then nothing more to be said, right?
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Old 8th May 2013, 10:00 AM   #4
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He is perfect for me in every way, and for a while I didn't see it because she kept blurring my vision with her negative opinions. I understand she's looking out for me but I feel it's been taken too far. And I really don't think my boyfriend would be comfortable with she and I being friends because she caused a lot of problems between us.
I didn't realize how perfect he is until I almost lost him. And I know how he feels about her so he'd be uncomfortable with us being friends too. But I find myself wanting to text her sometimes and apologize because I do miss her... But things just are so different now it's hard to go back
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Old 9th May 2013, 4:50 AM   #5
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If she was looking out for you, then why was she nowhere to be found when you had problems ?


She was jealous of you, or wanted someone to hang around with her in misery while she was herself miserable.
She wanted a doggy, someone who will mirror her actions to make her feel good.
That's why she tried to set you up with the groom's friend, that's why she insisted that you cheat, that's why she hated your bf, because you bf was not under her control, not near her.

She is not a friend of yours, she is someone who is getting from your relationship what she needs.
She is not a friend of your relationship, because she attacks and criticizes it ...

And as for you, i bet you are early 20's. Close ?
On average, at around 23-24 do some girls finally give up on the ideea that their bf's must pass 'gf inspection' and approval.
Do you have a history of low self-esteem ?
Has your self-esteem improved in the same time period that you started seeing your gf closer to what she really is ?

My advice is to cut her out of your life.
To tell your bf exactly why you cheated.
You cheated because you were pushed to it, but the final fault lies with you.
You allowed her to push you, you did the action, claim responsability and let with time his trust in you be improved.

I also hope you talk with a professional about this, or keep around here, because your problem lies deeper than this gf of yours.
You might cut her out of your life, but she is just the primer to the powder charge ... there will be other primers in your life.
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Old 9th May 2013, 10:41 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LizardNoyce View Post
Did I do the right thing by telling her we can't be friends?? Any advice is really appreciated.. thank you!
First understand that the issue of whether she's a good friend or not is separate from what happened between you and the guy you hooked up with -- there's no causal relationship there. You need to understand that.

It doesn't sound like she's the best friend, and I think you are probably right in telling her that you don't want to hear her belittle your guy. But again, ultimately, she didn't cause your relationship rift. You did.
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