Annoying friend - best approach?

[Joie de Vivre]

How do I get an annoying friend to stop contacting me to meet up with her without hurting her feelings or taking it the wrong way? I don't want to cut all ties with her, I just want her to stop asking me to call her or visit her (she lives 6 hours away) or wanting impromptu meet ups when she's in town. I think she is doing this because she is lonely or bored..or maybe lacks the understanding that other people have a lives of their own. She's a nice person, has never done me wrong. I just don't have time for her the same way as before. She's sensitive and doesn't take confrontation well.

 

she consistently (once every 2 weeks) texts or calls me to meet up with her. We don't have much in common anymore, our lives have diverged (we were college roommates). She's single, works part time, and still lives with her parents. But for some reason she still likes to hang out. I am fine with texting or facebook messaging once inawhile to catch up, but between working and taking care of my baby boy, I just don't have time to meet up, have drinks and "entertain her".

 

I had several legitimate reasons for not being able to meet up for the past 6 months of her constant asking:

- I have to work late/ working crazy hours

- I have to take my son for paediatrician check up

- my son was sick for a month, i really don't have the energy to squeeze in drinks with her

- couldn't find someone to babysit my son while i am out

- going through family issues, the last thing I want is to do is go out with friends and talk about my problems

 

for every one of my "excuses" she would have a come back, she would go as far as wanting to meet me downstairs where I work to grab a drink afterwards (I finish work at 9pm- 10pm, the last thing I want to do is grab a drink when I can go home to see my son!). When I can't find a babysitter, she would try to invite herself over so we she could chat about her life while I diaper change, fed my son, and try to put him to sleep while she chats away.

[baRx]

There's literally no possible way to get her to cut out contacting you all the time without hurting her feelings.

 

Here are your options:

• Point her to this thread so you don't have to 'explain' anything
  
• Tell her she needs to make new friends
  
• Ignore her until she gets the hint
  
• Politely ask her to keep the contact and random visits to a minimum, so you can have some space and enjoy your new 'life'
  
• Stop treating your friend like sh-t and try to be there once in a while without moaning about it...Put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel if you were her? Always wanting to hang out with your "friends" but they're too busy to be bothered with you. It's tough sometimes.
  

 

I stress the last one, despite the way it sounds. I didn't mean that harshly. You don't know what's going on with this girl, maybe she needs someone in her life to visit and vent to. Maybe you're her "saving grace" when she's upset. Maybe you're the reason she hasn't committed suicide yet.

You never know.

 

I once had a friend like this. All the time, he'd be there. Annoying the crap out me. Wanting to spend all kinds of time together. Joining in when we went out. Inviting himself places, etc etc etc -- and guess what? I felt the same as you. "This annoying friend just doesn't get it!"

 

2 years later he killed himself for whatever reason, and as I write this.. I ask myself why I blew him off all those times. I wish I could have went back and helped out a little more, maybe tried harder to be a decent friend to the guy.

 

But at the same time, as I said - I do understand what you're going through. You work hard, long hours. You have a baby at home to take care of. Life is different now. it's not the same as it was in college, and sometimes - people don't understand that. The best advice I can give you: introduce her to some people the next time she wants to hang out. I'm sure you know some single people who are like her, don't you? Go out with her for a drink and bring a few people along. Then, after the drink is over you can go home and leave the group with her. If they hit it off the way it should be, she'll be spending time with them instead of bothering you and your crazy life all the time.

 

Give it a shot, whichever one you choose.

Edited April 17, 2013 by baRx

[adamaiden844]

In collage, universities or sometimes in job life we find annoying friends around us, they are really irritating and don't get rid of it. You just simple have to do is to avoid them don't spend time with them don't interact with them otherwise they start annoying you.

[SpiralOut]

Are you able to do a kid-friendly activity instead of going for drinks, that way you can bring your son along? Meet up for a coffee, or go to a park, go to a matinee movie? Invite her over to dinner at your place? Meet up for lunch during your lunchbreak at work? I can understand having a busy life and it's normal for people to drift apart, but it seems like she's only one making any effort. You say you sometimes have said no to her because of your family issues and not wanting to talk to friends about it, but that's what friends are for - to share your worries with, or to get your mind OFF of your worries by having fun. Do you even want to see her? It's fine if you don't. I'm just asking because that's what it sounds like.

Edited April 17, 2013 by SpiralOut

[The Outlaw]

If you don't want to hang out with her, just be upfront and as polite as possible about it. And if you should find a babysitter, make some time and spend it with her so you don't cut it out, just limit it.

[Joie de Vivre]

@baRx: thanks for taking the time write a very complete analysis of the situation, it really made me think what could be possibly on her mind that she would want to hang out so badly recently. We use to see each other twice a year since moving for work. Since getting pregnant and starting my own family, I have yet to meet up with her. She comes from a wealthy family (housekeepers and all), lives with her parents, has a part-time "job" (MLM) - so I always assumed she never had any immediate issues, which is naive of me.

[todreaminblue]

@baRx: thanks for taking the time write a very complete analysis of the situation, it really made me think what could be possibly on her mind that she would want to hang out so badly recently. We use to see each other twice a year since moving for work. Since getting pregnant and starting my own family, I have yet to meet up with her. She comes from a wealthy family (housekeepers and all), lives with her parents, has a part-time "job" (MLM) - so I always assumed she never had any immediate issues, which is naive of me.

 

 

Ill be honest with you.......i read your post and winced...got to my heart....because i never want to be that friend....that friend everyoen feels sorry for because i am a little unstable.....people feeling obligated to be nice to me.......dont want it..doytn need sympathy..would rather spend my life alone........if people dont reply to me.....maybe its because they dont want to talk to me or they find me annoying....so ....i just dont text until someone texts me back,or call, all my true friends do so ........ill send a few and then back the crap off.......dont point your friend to this thread.....please...just dont....and dont feel sorry for her...either you like her or you dont...if you do try to spend some time with her...if you dont let her go....if she is unstable.....know this.,...unstable people need true friends who love them for who and what they are..actually so do stable people......it should be the same consideration given ..deb

[Joie de Vivre]

There's literally no possible way to get her to cut out contacting you all the time without hurting her feelings.

 

Here are your options:

• Point her to this thread so you don't have to 'explain' anything
  
• Tell her she needs to make new friends
  
• Ignore her until she gets the hint
  
• Politely ask her to keep the contact and random visits to a minimum, so you can have some space and enjoy your new 'life'
  
• Stop treating your friend like sh-t and try to be there once in a while without moaning about it...Put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel if you were her? Always wanting to hang out with your "friends" but they're too busy to be bothered with you. It's tough sometimes.
  

 

I stress the last one, despite the way it sounds. I didn't mean that harshly. You don't know what's going on with this girl, maybe she needs someone in her life to visit and vent to. Maybe you're her "saving grace" when she's upset. Maybe you're the reason she hasn't committed suicide yet.

You never know.

 

I once had a friend like this. All the time, he'd be there. Annoying the crap out me. Wanting to spend all kinds of time together. Joining in when we went out. Inviting himself places, etc etc etc -- and guess what? I felt the same as you. "This annoying friend just doesn't get it!"

 

2 years later he killed himself for whatever reason, and as I write this.. I ask myself why I blew him off all those times. I wish I could have went back and helped out a little more, maybe tried harder to be a decent friend to the guy.

 

But at the same time, as I said - I do understand what you're going through. You work hard, long hours. You have a baby at home to take care of. Life is different now. it's not the same as it was in college, and sometimes - people don't understand that. The best advice I can give you: introduce her to some people the next time she wants to hang out. I'm sure you know some single people who are like her, don't you? Go out with her for a drink and bring a few people along. Then, after the drink is over you can go home and leave the group with her. If they hit it off the way it should be, she'll be spending time with them instead of bothering you and your crazy life all the time.

 

Give it a shot, whichever one you choose.

 

In collage, universities or sometimes in job life we find annoying friends around us, they are really irritating and don't get rid of it. You just simple have to do is to avoid them don't spend time with them don't interact with them otherwise they start annoying you.

 

Are you able to do a kid-friendly activity instead of going for drinks, that way you can bring your son along? Meet up for a coffee, or go to a park, go to a matinee movie? Invite her over to dinner at your place? Meet up for lunch during your lunchbreak at work? I can understand having a busy life and it's normal for people to drift apart, but it seems like she's only one making any effort. You say you sometimes have said no to her because of your family issues and not wanting to talk to friends about it, but that's what friends are for - to share your worries with, or to get your mind OFF of your worries by having fun. Do you even want to see her? It's fine if you don't. I'm just asking because that's what it sounds like.

 

If you don't want to hang out with her, just be upfront and as polite as possible about it. And if you should find a babysitter, make some time and spend it with her so you don't cut it out, just limit it.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone!! it's true, she's the only one making the effort. The reason why is because I feel like our lives our completely different now, we don't have much to talk about or relate to. She's still a very nice person and we have had a great friendship back in college - but now it just feels kind of a waste of time or pointless to sit and BS about nothing for hours.I have met up with her a few times since graduation, each time I feel like I am the one trying hard to carry the conversation, though she seems to enjoy it.

 

I have never been the type to share my problems with friends, I just want to have fun or relax when I do go out. After reading your messages, I realize have to make effort to find out why she's been extra needy.

 

PS. she also doesn't do well with kids, so i know bringing my son along to more child friendly places is not an option

[Joie de Vivre]

Ill be honest with you.......i read your post and winced...got to my heart....because i never want to be that friend....that friend everyoen feels sorry for because i am a little unstable.....people feeling obligated to be nice to me.......dont want it..doytn need sympathy..would rather spend my life alone........if people dont reply to me.....maybe its because they dont want to talk to me or they find me annoying....so ....i just dont text until someone texts me back,or call, all my true friends do so ........ill send a few and then back the crap off.......dont point your friend to this thread.....please...just dont....and dont feel sorry for her...either you like her or you dont...if you do try to spend some time with her...if you dont let her go....if she is unstable.....know this.,...unstable people need true friends who love them for who and what they are..actually so do stable people......it should be the same consideration given ..deb

 

I really truly appreciate your honesty, and I am glad I have another perspective to look at. My message on this forum does seem pretty harsh, I don't think i have the heart to show it to her, perhaps a highly edited email or text will be a lot better.

I have never ever been mean to her before, I also send her flowers for her birthday every year - even till now. I just want her to back off a little bit, give me some time being a new mom (which I have explained to her many times before).

 

god - why can't us woman have less complicated relationships like men?

[todreaminblue]

I really truly appreciate your honesty, and I am glad I have another perspective to look at. My message on this forum does seem pretty harsh, I don't think i have the heart to show it to her, perhaps a highly edited email or text will be a lot better.

I have never ever been mean to her before, I also send her flowers for her birthday every year - even till now. I just want her to back off a little bit, give me some time being a new mom (which I have explained to her many times before).

 

god - why can't us woman have less complicated relationships like men?

 

after writing that post to you .....a girlfriend who i thought was.....sick of me called me.i havent contacted her i was giving her a break..and she wants to come see me tomorrow we are going to have lamingtons .and si tin my backyard liek true aussies.......hows that for a gift...smilin...yayyyyy....i am unbelievable happy havent seen her in weeks...god must love me....;0):bunny:....do i annoy you....smilin....good sufffer:cool:....i am glad you arent mean.......and i am sure you are a very giving person.....just try and explain how your priorities have shifted and could she take into an account you are very busy being a mum and dont have as much time as you used too.....best wishes...deb

[Joie de Vivre]

after writing that post to you .....a girlfriend who i thought was.....sick of me called me.i havent contacted her i was giving her a break..and she wants to come see me tomorrow we are going to have lamingtons .and si tin my backyard liek true aussies.......hows that for a gift...smilin...yayyyyy....i am unbelievable happy havent seen her in weeks...god must love me....;0):bunny:....do i annoy you....smilin....good sufffer:cool:....i am glad you arent mean.......and i am sure you are a very giving person.....just try and explain how your priorities have shifted and could she take into an account you are very busy being a mum and dont have as much time as you used too.....best wishes...deb

 

So happy for you deb! I am glad your relationship with your good friend has mended, it's definitely meant to be. Cheers to finding balance with work, family and friendships!

[baRx]

@baRx: thanks for taking the time write a very complete analysis of the situation, it really made me think what could be possibly on her mind that she would want to hang out so badly recently. We use to see each other twice a year since moving for work. Since getting pregnant and starting my own family, I have yet to meet up with her. She comes from a wealthy family (housekeepers and all), lives with her parents, has a part-time "job" (MLM) - so I always assumed she never had any immediate issues, which is naive of me.

 

Hey. You're welcome. I'm glad you didn't take my post the wrong way. I was not trying to sound harsh or make you feel like you were the bad guy or anything. I just wanted to stress that sometimes we're so busy with our own lives, we neglect to think about the other people that are in them, or have been lacking in them.

 

Sometimes, people just need a little crutch to stand on. It can get annoying when we are that crutch, but you'll (and most people, hopefully) come to find that if we embrace that, there's a pretty good chance we've done good for someone else. If we can make that sad person feel a little better about their situation, whatever it may be that's going on, that makes the friendship worth it.

[Joie de Vivre]

Hey. You're welcome. I'm glad you didn't take my post the wrong way. I was not trying to sound harsh or make you feel like you were the bad guy or anything. I just wanted to stress that sometimes we're so busy with our own lives, we neglect to think about the other people that are in them, or have been lacking in them.

 

Sometimes, people just need a little crutch to stand on. It can get annoying when we are that crutch, but you'll (and most people, hopefully) come to find that if we embrace that, there's a pretty good chance we've done good for someone else. If we can make that sad person feel a little better about their situation, whatever it may be that's going on, that makes the friendship worth it.

 

thanks again for the great advice I think, generally, on this forum, everyone comes from a good place when giving advice

[VeronicaRoss]

"How do I get an annoying friend to stop contacting me to meet up with her without hurting her feelings or taking it the wrong way?"

 

The reality is you aren't her friend. Friends enjoy each others company and look forward to getting together. What is 'the wrong way'? A way that makes you feel uncomfortable? You need to grow up, and being responsible IS uncomfortable. That's why we respect people who can handle these things politely and firmly.

 

There is no way to tell her you don't care for her the way you used without hurting her feelings. It's sad news. How would you want to be treated if this were you?

 

Please be kind, think about her and treat her with respect. Tell her upfront your life is so different now with the new family and your energy is very limited. Because your lives are so different just don't relate to her the way that you to used to and you prefer to keep your updates on FB and wish her well.

 

That is you taking responsibility and letting her know its not because she's offended you or has done something wrong. She'll be hurt, but she will know it really is you, not her.

[Joie de Vivre]

"How do I get an annoying friend to stop contacting me to meet up with her without hurting her feelings or taking it the wrong way?"

 

The reality is you aren't her friend. Friends enjoy each others company and look forward to getting together. What is 'the wrong way'? A way that makes you feel uncomfortable? You need to grow up, and being responsible IS uncomfortable. That's why we respect people who can handle these things politely and firmly.

 

There is no way to tell her you don't care for her the way you used without hurting her feelings. It's sad news. How would you want to be treated if this were you?

 

Please be kind, think about her and treat her with respect. Tell her upfront your life is so different now with the new family and your energy is very limited. Because your lives are so different just don't relate to her the way that you to used to and you prefer to keep your updates on FB and wish her well.

 

That is you taking responsibility and letting her know its not because she's offended you or has done something wrong. She'll be hurt, but she will know it really is you, not her.

 

I think this is a issue many people that dont have kids have to deal with.

And i think many friendships ends when people get kids.

 

Normally most friends with no kids would depart from you.

But this one is still contacting you.

 

Many people with kids are kind of boring into their own family life's etc.

So you cant have full fun with them.

 

I thik your issue is that you feel you are special or different cause you are mother

and she is not.

Maybe you need to be honest towards her. Cause friendship is not a obligation.

Maybe she is lonely but maybe she really think you can be a great friend to her.

cause f the way you act in her face.

 

I think you need to be honest.

Truth hurt some times but it will save you and people will appreciate it t the end.

Also you have different ways of bring in the news.

 

Choose the nice one. Just let her know that your life have change now, and you dont

have much time to socialize.

And that you think its better to meet once a mounth or you will let her know when you can.

You dont want to be rude but you really need to manage your time well, cause

you are in a different situation now and not in one that you hav much free time to

hangout.

Its not about you going there but its about having the time to sit and chat in a personal situation.

 

And i think your issues is more that you dont like this girl at all.

So maybe you should stop acting.

And let her know that your friendship with her has change and you dont feel like hanging out a lot with her anymore.

Cause if you really wants to be her friend you would have make time

and be more happy to see her. But you dont sound that happy or interested

in her at any time.

 

Stop acting in her face like you are that nice.

While you are not interested at all.

 

Thanks for the advice, I don't believe in burning bridges and I still do cherish our past friendship - they were all good memories, regardless of how our relationship is now. "The wrong way" would be her misunderstanding as to why I can't see her as often as I can anymore.

 

I have many friends who understand why I can't see them as often anymore and why I am limited to chatting through text, emails or facebook more often now. It just surprises me why my other single friends can be so understanding while she is persistent to see me.

 

Even my best friend (who lives in another state) doesn't take it personally if I can't visit or meet up as often anymore, and when we do, we easily pick up where we left off. I really believe quality time spent is more important than quantity.

 

I seem like I am not happy to see her because she is so persistent, especially at times when I am truly busy with work and family. Over time, it gets to me.

Most of my single friends know of her, but don't really know her well. I thought about holding a girls night out so she can get to know my other friends better, but it seems like my other friends are either not interested or there is just too much scheduling conflicts between them.

 

by all means I am not defending my behaviour, but I don't think she's being mature about it either. Which is why I needed suggestions on different approaches besides cutting her off completely.

 

What is care for a friend?

someone who is always there on call 24/7 for your every emotional need? Some one who puts them first above husband and children? I would wake up my 1 year old son, husband, in the middle of the night so I can drive my friend to the ER when she needed me. But but I would be irritated if she called me at work because she felt bored or lonely. It seems illogical to some, I guess relationships can be complicated

Edited April 21, 2013 by Joie de Vivre

[Teknoe]

Hi J,

I recently cut out some church acquaintances because I felt like I didn't connect well with them (anymore) and the hang outs left me feeling tired and made me go "Why did I just spend 4 hours with people I don't have all that great a connection with?"

 

I declined their invites and eventually, they just stopped. They have been respectful by excluding me quietly, without making a big hoop-la about it.

 

Your situation seems vastly different though, as she is persistent.

 

Reminds me of college when I tried weeding out my old HS buddies, but they didn't get the message. So I eventually told them straight up that I just didn't want to hang out with them anymore. It was hard, but liberating. It was also surreal telling them to their faces.

 

It was the only way for me to get them stop coming to my door or calling me.

 

I think you will have to address it with this girl, somehow. She likely won't just stop after a while.

 

Ending friendships is never easy. Good luck

[Joie de Vivre]

Thanks for everyone's wonderful input and advice!!

 

Just an update on what happened in the end:

 

I ended up taking a day off (I sometimes work on weekends) and getting a babysitter so I can meet up with her when she was in town.

 

what a shocking and disappointing surprise.

 

the reason why she was so eager to meet up all this time was to sell me Nu Skin products (multi level marketing company similar to Avon, Amway etc). She had a huge bag of products to promote and wanted me to attend these Nu Skin "parties" near my area (I guess she gets promoted for dragging friends in).

 

I am just so disappointed, thinking she was either lonely or just missed our friendship. Ever since turning down her Nu Skin party and not buying a single product, she hasn't contacted me in any form since.

 

Hope none of you ever have friends who are not forthright about their true intentions.

 

Note: not to diss people making money in multi level marketing, I just feel some take it too far and end up alienating family & friends.

[Zapbasket]

I read your thread and your post above, and all I can say is, "Oh my God!" At first I thought you sounded more like you just weren't interested in her anymore than like you simply had less time than you used to, and I was going to advise you that you should always be wary of turning away people who really care about you, even if you don't reciprocate the feeling to the same degree. Because sometimes, those feelings change as people who consistently demonstrate their care for you naturally inspire feelings of affection and gratitude over time. Before your most recent post, I was going to advise you therefore to be firm with your boundaries and the reality of your time restrictions while still making time for her every once in a while. I don't think single people with no children can understand the restrictions on your time, having a child and husband, than people in the same situation as you. It's up to you to "teach" them by being honest about your needs.

 

But after this last post, I say, "Good riddance!" And I'm really sorry that you had to discover the shallow, selfish motivations behind your former friend's persistence. Cherish the memories of the college friendship you had, and move on. If she does contact you again, there's no need to respond.

[Joie de Vivre]

I read your thread and your post above, and all I can say is, "Oh my God!" At first I thought you sounded more like you just weren't interested in her anymore than like you simply had less time than you used to, and I was going to advise you that you should always be wary of turning away people who really care about you, even if you don't reciprocate the feeling to the same degree. Because sometimes, those feelings change as people who consistently demonstrate their care for you naturally inspire feelings of affection and gratitude over time. Before your most recent post, I was going to advise you therefore to be firm with your boundaries and the reality of your time restrictions while still making time for her every once in a while. I don't think single people with no children can understand the restrictions on your time, having a child and husband, than people in the same situation as you. It's up to you to "teach" them by being honest about your needs.

 

But after this last post, I say, "Good riddance!" And I'm really sorry that you had to discover the shallow, selfish motivations behind your former friend's persistence. Cherish the memories of the college friendship you had, and move on. If she does contact you again, there's no need to respond.

 

Thanks for the candid reply <3 Will def take your advice and apply it to my present and future friendships.

[baRx]

Thanks for everyone's wonderful input and advice!!

 

Just an update on what happened in the end:

 

I ended up taking a day off (I sometimes work on weekends) and getting a babysitter so I can meet up with her when she was in town.

 

what a shocking and disappointing surprise.

 

the reason why she was so eager to meet up all this time was to sell me Nu Skin products (multi level marketing company similar to Avon, Amway etc). She had a huge bag of products to promote and wanted me to attend these Nu Skin "parties" near my area (I guess she gets promoted for dragging friends in).

 

I am just so disappointed, thinking she was either lonely or just missed our friendship. Ever since turning down her Nu Skin party and not buying a single product, she hasn't contacted me in any form since.

 

Hope none of you ever have friends who are not forthright about their true intentions.

 

Note: not to diss people making money in multi level marketing, I just feel some take it too far and end up alienating family & friends.

 

Well, then. I certainly stand corrected on my advice. Typical. People these days.