Married but in love with my best friend ... please help me!

[Simon LeBon]

I got married to my childhood sweetheart two years ago. We had been going out for a very long time and finally decided to tie the knot. We get on very well, have few arguments, and we love each other very much.

 

However, over the last two years, I have got very close to a female workmate. She has become my very best friend. I can talk to her about anything, things I would not even tell my wife. As a result we have created an extraordinary close bond, we are so close that we have almost an esp thing ... we can think and feel what the other person is feeling. Not only that, we have better laughs and we share more things in common than our respective partners (she is not married but in a new relationship). And we love each other soo much we would each be willing to die for one another without hesistation.

 

Last month, after a few drinks, we both ended up confessing our true feelings about each other. We both want to be with each other, we know we would make the most beautiful partnership the world has ever seen. We cannot stop thinking about each other. From when we wake till when we sleep, we think about each other all the time. Worse still, when making love with our partners we think about the other.

 

I told her that I cannot leave my wife, I love her too much to do that. We haven't been unfaithful (we haven't even kissed). We agreed that friendship is all we can have and that this life is not our time.

 

Am I being unfaithful ??

Will our frienship eventually be destroyed if we cannot stop our feelings for each other ?

 

I dont want to lose her, she is one of the most important things in my life and makes me so happy.

 

What should I do ????

[moimeme]

I can talk to her about anything, things I would not even tell my wife.

 

Well, here is your first mistake. You must never ever get to that point with someone who is not your spouse.

 

Am I being unfaithful ??

 

Oh yes. You have already robbed your wife of her reason to trust you - one of the worst losses a person can have.

 

we know we would make the most beautiful partnership the world has ever seen

 

Well, you know what? Several tens of thousands of people at this very moment are thinking the very same thing - about people they have not yet lived with. This is an easy feeling to generate when you see someone in small doses. Ideal, perfect relationships live in fantasyland. Hard cold reality tests all of them and many never make it past that test.

 

You should not have started this friendship and now you should end it.

 

Will our frienship eventually be destroyed if we cannot stop our feelings for each other ?

 

It isn't a friendship. It's an emotional affair.

[Simon LeBon]

Why am I being unfaithful ?

 

Men and women always have fantasies about someone else, that is life. Surely its only when you act on those fantasies that you become unfaithful. My wife knows I wouldn't cheat on her ... and I know I wont either. I cannot switch off my feelings though.

 

Perfect partnership?

 

This isn't just a stupid crush or anything. We have both been out with alot people, and its hard to explain but we are made for each other. We like the same foods, films, music, opinions, almost everything in fact. There is an electricity between us that I have never ever felt between any other girlfriend I have been out with. This is something special, unique, it is not fantaseyland, and actually now thinking about, I would not expect anyone to understand unless they also found their pefect match. This would pass any hard cold reality test, I am 110% certain.

 

Friendship?

 

This honestly started out as just a friendship. Its was only after a year or so, and more lately that our feelings have grown. It might now be an emotional affair, that I can agree with. I want us just to be friends because I know nothing else can happen. I am not willing to end it, we see each other every day at work, and I love her alot and would be happy just to have her friendship than nothing.

 

Do you think we can remain just friends? We haven't crossed the line, and surely we will be able to just accept these feelings for what they are and eventually they will subside.

[befuddled11]

I am not willing to end it, we see each other every day at work, and I love her alot and would be happy just to have her friendship than nothing

 

I feel so very sorry for your wife. Little does she know, but her husband of 2 yrs -- her childhood sweetheart---is having an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR with some dame from work. I don't even think I have to tell you how horribly devastated she would be to learn this truth.

 

You shouldn't be married, dude. You're obviously not cut out for the level of commitment, loyalty and honesty that is required. Be a man, and divorce your wife...so that she can find herself a GOOD and HONEST man who will give her his all.

 

Imagine what your wife would feel, if she were to happen to come across this post of yours....and to learn about your "relationship" with this female coworker. Do you think she'd just blow it off and accept it? Of course she wouldn't. SHe'd feel like a knife was stuck into her heart and she'd feel horribly naive and betrayed. So that being said, shouldn't that show you that what you're doing is WRONG? W R O N G.

 

You have no business confiding in any woman other than your wife. What you have with this broad is much more than a simple, harmless, platonic friendship.......because if it were merely that, you wouldn't be confiding more in her than you do with your own wife....because you'd KNOW not to cross that boundary.

 

You insistence about not being willing to end your emotional affair, and to remain working with her, speaks volumes. It shows just how deep into this you are. That is not about loving your wife. You don't love your wife the way she deserves; the way any spouse deserves to be loved. You are selfish and delusional and your conscience doesn't seem to bother you about the fact that you're keeping a mammoth-sized secret from your wife.

 

I hope your wife finds out soon...so she can kick your butt to the curb. Hopefully this occurs before you 2 start having a family..and then it becomes even more complicated.

 

You, sir, don't know diddly about marriage.

[SimonLeBon]

I think that is a very unfair post. You are judging me without knowing all the facts. Furthermore, I really dont think you understand where I am coming from.

 

I did not write my post to be insulted like that. I came hear looking for advice.

 

Okay, yes, my wife would be upset if she knew the truth. There is no denying that. Does it make me stop loving her any less? No. Do I want to leave her for my friend? No. Do I treat her differently? No.

 

I do not want to break up my friendship because I want it to go back to how it was before we had these feelings for each other. We had something very good. Are you telling me you do not confide in any of your friends? Aren't that what best friends are for. I dont want these feelings for her, but I cant help it. I'm hoping they will go away, that this is merely a short-term crush, and it will not interfere with our friendship. I am not concerned about crossing the line, because I know I am strong enough not to allow that.

 

I need advice from someone who has gone through something similar. I want to know that a man and a woman can be best friends without having a relationship. I want to know how to solve this problem without letting her go.

[moimeme]

Surely its only when you act on those fantasies that you become unfaithful. My wife knows I wouldn't cheat on her ... and I know I wont either. I cannot switch off my feelings though.

 

You have been unfaithful - and in the worst way. You seem to not understand that it is emotional intimacy which is the intimacy that it crucial. Bodies are bodies and there are bits that enjoy certain sensations. That is not love. Trusting someone else with your innermost secrets is a whole other story.

This isn't just a stupid crush or anything. We have both been out with alot people, and its hard to explain but we are made for each other. We like the same foods, films, music, opinions, almost everything in fact. There is an electricity between us that I have never ever felt between any other girlfriend I have been out with. This is something special, unique, it is not fantaseyland, and actually now thinking about, I would not expect anyone to understand unless they also found their pefect match. This would pass any hard cold reality test, I am 110% certain.

 

Yes, yes, yes. You are the first two human beings to have ever discovered the perfect relationship; not others can possibly understand. Yawn. It's been stated exactly that way by millions of people every bit as certain as you are now. Many of them are divorced.

 

Do you think we can remain just friends? We haven't crossed the line

 

Yes you have crossed the line. You stomped the line into dust, in fact. The line is that you don't become emotionally intimate with people outside your marriage, because emotional intimacy is a crucial part of love.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by SimonLeBon

I think that is a very unfair post. You are judging me without knowing all the facts. Furthermore, I really dont think you understand where I am coming from.

 

What facts have been left unexplained? The fact is: you're a married man and you're having an emotional AFFAIR. You're emotionally involved with someone other than your wife, and you admit that if your wife knew, she'd be hurt. So....in other words, you're putting your own needs before those of your wife. You're carrying on behind your wife's back, doing something you know would upset her. What other facts are there? None.

 

Are you telling me you do not confide in any of your friends? Aren't that what best friends are for.

 

Your spouse should be your "best friend", bottom line.

 

You wrote:

 

She has become my very best friend. I can talk to her about anything, things I would not even tell my wife.

 

Sorry pal, but that's wrong. Do you think your wife would have committed her life to you in marriage had she known that you were going to confide in someone other than her?..and in essence, keep *secrets* from her? I don't think so.

 

Not only that, we have better laughs and we share more things in common than our respective partners

 

Again, my condolences to your wife. She is being betrayed in a huge way. You should have never let things get to the point they are with your "emotional mistress." You should have had more respect for your wife than to cross the boundaries that have been crossed.

 

And we love each other soo much we would each be willing to die for one another without hesistation.

 

That's rich. Your wife really deserves to know about your adoration and undying devotion to your gal-pal because she's obviously in the dark about where your loyalties and love lie. You shouldn't be in love with anyone but your wife. Period.

 

From when we wake till when we sleep, we think about each other all the time. Worse still, when making love with our partners we think about the other.

 

So in other words, when you're making love to your wife, you're pretending your wife is your emotional mistress? I gotta say though...you 2 maybe do deserve each other. You're both in relationships but both deceiving and betraying your respective partners.

 

 

I need advice from someone who has gone through something similar. I want to know that a man and a woman can be best friends without having a relationship. I want to know how to solve this problem without letting her go.

 

A spouse should NEVER put someone else above their spouse. Ever, never.

 

What advice are you seeking? You've already made it abundantly clear that you're not going to do anything to get this women out of your life. If you were serious about being true to your wife, you would find another job so that your mistress wasn't in your life on a daily basis. But you seem to want to be able to have your cake and eat it to, all the while, betraying your wife. Again, my heartfelt condolences to her. I'm sure this wasn't what she bargained for when she invested so much of her life and trust in you, or when she said "I Do."

[Simon LeBon]

So your saying its okay to be emotionally intimate with a friend of the same sex but not of the opposite ? I know most girls speak intimately about stuff to each other.

 

You are also saying emotional intimacy is worse than adultery?

 

When I said I tell my friend things that I could not tell my wife, its about my personal feelings ... my work, my life etc. ... things I know would upset my wife because she is too emotionally attached to me and she would feel upset as I do. Because of the distance between my friend, I feel I can tell her stuff and get her advice without there being a conflict of emotions.

 

I just dont see why you guys are attacking me so. Its not right I know, but its not as bad as you make it to be.

[zarathustra]

Am I being unfaithful ??

 

Yes, you are. An emotional affair is as toxic to a marriage, if not more so, than a drunken one night stand. The other woman has replaced your wife as the emotional/intellectual center of your affectional universe. Your marriage will eventually die from oxygen deprivation.

 

Will our friendship eventually be destroyed if we cannot stop our feelings for each other ?

 

This usually plays out as an either/or. If you maintain the torrid emotional affair ( "friendship" doesn't begin to describe your intense emotional connection to this other woman), your marriage will wither on the vine and die. Your marriage's emotional core will rot and your wife will become, eventually, a stranger in your bed. If you end this affair, your marriage may survive (there are no guarantees, terminal damage may already have been done). You must, however, break off all emotional contact with this other woman. No more exchanges of "You're the only one who truly understands me" or "I feel most alive when I'm with you" bonding comments. Exchanging these praises gets you high , but each of these bonding statements is like shooting a .45 caliber slug into the carcass of your marriage. For the survival of your marriage, end the "friendship," now. You can't carry both--no one's heart is big enough.

 

Listen, fella, I know you're not a monster. You're just head over heels in love with someone other than your wife. But you can still make choices: Save you marriage before it's too late.

 

Good luck, my friend.

[Simon LeBon]

I understand what you have said to me Zara.

 

But this is the strange thing, my marriage has actually got stronger over the last year, honestly. My sister passed away last year, and it was very distressing for both of us, and we became alot closer as a result. We argue so much less now, we still have fun, we really do get on very well, and no one would be able to tell I am having this so called 'emotional affair'. My wife is the love of my life, I just feel guilty of having these uncontrollable feelings for my friend, all I want is them to stop, I really do. Its not eating my marriage up in any way.

 

The choice is basically as I see it, do I want to lose my friend or do I want suffer this guilt?

 

At this moment maybe I am in denial, I think I want to continue the friendship and hope that our feelings will all but be a silly crush, one that will eventually die. I dunno, just dunno ...

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by Simon LeBon

So you're saying it's okay to be emotionally intimate with a friend of the same sex, but not of the opposite ? I know most girls speak intimately about stuff to each other.

 

That analogy is a big stretch. There's a huge difference between someone having a very close friend of the same gender, and being married and having a "best friend" of the opposite sex that you:

 

a) think about all the time.

 

b) think about when you're making love to your spouse. Do you have any really close male friends? If so, do you think about them all the time? Do you think about them when you're making love to your wife? No? I didn't think so.

 

 

You are also saying emotional intimacy is worse than adultery?

 

They're both bad, they're both a betrayal ... but if you really want to go down the road of "which is worse", let's compare a one night stand (while married) to having an emotional relationship with someone other than one's spouse.

 

Any 2 strangers can f*ck, and there not be any emotions or emotional attachment or commitment there. But emotional intimacy is much deeper and substantial.

 

When I said I tell my friend things that I could not tell my wife, its about my personal feelings ... my work, my life etc. ... things I know would upset my wife because she is too emotionally attached to me and she would feel upset as I do. Because of the distance between my friend, I feel I can tell her stuff and get her advice without there being a conflict of emotions.

 

This sounds like a cop out to me. If you want to have a good, healthy, lasting marriage, you and your wife need to work on communication..so that you can tell each other anything at all ... even if it's difficult or stress-provoking. To keep secrets from her, under the guise of "protecting" her makes your marriage a sham.

 

I just dont see why you guys are attacking me so. Its not right I know, but its not as bad as you make it to be.

 

It may not be as bad to you ... the fact that you love a woman other than your wife, that you likely spend at least 8 hours a day with her, that you think of her when you're having sex with your wife, that you'd die for her, that you confide in her. Really, though, it doesn't matter what WE think ... it matters only what your WIFE would think.

 

DO you think she'd read all this and think, "Oh, it's not as bad as it sounds." She'd be devastated and crushed, and she'd feel foolish, betrayed, insecure and heartbroken. You know it, I know it. Don't you care? Or do you think it's okay because what she doesn't know (yet) won't hurt her? Your marriage is based on a lie.

 

Furthermore, you initially posted that you've been married for 2 yrs, and that over the last 2 yrs, you've become very close to this "other woman." So, in essence, you've betrayed your wife from the start, as well as your marriage. Your entire marriage has been founded on secrets and mistruths. How do you think your wife would feel if she knew this?

 

Be man enough to cut the ties from your emotional mistress out of love and respect for your wife and marriage. Then, get some marriage counselling. If not, divorce her, because she deserves so much better.

[moimeme]

I want to know that a man and a woman can be best friends without having a relationship

 

Are you related to Bill Clinton? Guess what - you are IN a relationship. BIGTIME. Sex is not the thing which cements a relationship; it's the emotional connection that does so.

[FolderWife]

oK, let's be logical. You love this woman right? You say you love this woman.

 

Ok, she can't take it any more, and she throws her arms around you. You love her so much, so you hold her. She leans in to kiss you. You love her so much, and you want to kiss her, so you do. She starts unzipping your pants. You are IN LOVE WITH HER, so you let her..by all means!

 

Honey, if you are deeply in love with someone, then you can't resist them, unless maybe you are really angry. You two have known each other 2 years. You are now in love. You have never done anything. CAN YOU SAY SEXUAL TENSION?!?!

 

I've had men in love with me before who promise they won't do anything with me, but the second I come on to them, they are naked with a hard on.

 

You can tell us until you are blue in the face that you WILL...NOT...CHEAT...ON...YOUR...WIFE. Think about it logically, and you will realize that is a load of crap! You LOVE this woman. If you LOVE someone, you WANT to be with them. She said she loves you! It's only a matter of time before she starts wanting to make love to the man she loves. And how the heck do you think you are going to say no to making love to the woman you are in love with!? Have you ever heard of NATURE! It's NATURAL to make love to the person you love...so what makes you think you are going to be able to over turn your own natural impulses.

 

Honey, there are 16 year olds who are pregnant, who couldn't control the natural process...so who do you think you are?

 

The fact that you WILL AT THIS POINT have sex with another woman when she is willing is point enough to say that you HAVE CHEATED.

[FolderWife]

And another thing: You have already said that when you are making love to YOUR WIFE, you are fantasizing about this OTHER WOMAN. Therefore, you OBVIOUSLY want to have sex with this other woman that you are "in love with" so why the heck do you tell us that you would "NEVER CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE."? Do you think we were all born yesterday?

 

Were you born yesterday?

 

The only reason you haven't had sex with this woman, is because she hasn't made a move, and you are trying not to "cheat" on your wife.

 

I guarantee that if she makes a move to kiss you, you will not pull back. Will you agree that you are a cheater then?

 

I guarantee that when she tries to take your pants off, you will not pull back. Will you agree that you are a cheater then?

 

What has to happen before you admit that you have cheated? My husband told me that it would be cheating if I went out with a guy who had romantic intentions. You said you had drinks with her, and you both confessed your feelings for each other.

 

You CHEATED!

[FolderWife]

AND ANOTHER THING: my husband and I had a big fight in the car one time, so he pulled over and told me to get out. He did it to make a point like he was the biiiiiiig baaaad guy, who's MAKING me get out of the car. Well to make a point that I wasn't going to cave and beg him to let me stay in the car, I GOT OUT. Well, to make his point, HE DROVE OFF. Well, to make my point (I wasn't going to wait until he got back...even though both of us knew he'd be right back to get me) I started walking. Well, this guy pulls over, and offers me a ride. WHAT A WAY TO MAKE A POINT! I rode with him. I told him that I was married, and explained the fight hubby and I were having. When he went to drop me off, he asked for my number. I thought....I'm married...

 

Anyhoo, I wasn't about to give him my number, but then again, I didn't want him going psycho on me either. It was really stupid of me to get in a car with a total stranger, but hey, I was mad, therefore acting like a stupid person. So I asked him to give me HIS number instead.

 

My husband got so upset that I took another guy's number, that he tells me to this day he thought about divorcing me, because HE CONSIDERED THAT CHEATING!

 

It made me mad that he called that cheating, becaue my retarded husband was the one who dumped me 3 miles from our house in the first place!!! I told him that I didn't want the guy going psycho on me, so I did whatever I could to keep myself safe...in a position that THE MAN I LOVE PUT ME IN!!!

 

So apparently in marriage, asking a guy for his number is considered cheating.

 

So yep, you're a cheater!

[zarathustra]

I just feel guilty of having these uncontrollable feelings for my friend, all I want is them to stop, I really do. Its not eating my marriage up in any way.

 

 

To the contrary, my friend, this love affair is DEVOURING your morsel of a marriage. Soon there will be nothing left but the wedding dishes. As you wrote:

 

 

She has become my very best friend. I can talk to her about anything, things I would not even tell my wife. As a result we have created an extraordinary close bond, we are so close that we have almost an esp thing ... we can think and feel what the other person is feeling. Not only that, we have better laughs and we share more things in common than our respective partners (she is not married but in a new relationship). And we love each other soo much we would each be willing to die for one another without hesistation.

 

Last month, after a few drinks, we both ended up confessing our true feelings about each other. We both want to be with each other, we know we would make the most beautiful partnership the world has ever seen. We cannot stop thinking about each other. From when we wake till when we sleep, we think about each other all the time. Worse still, when making love with our partners we think about the other.

 

Remember, love affairs have hearty appetites.

[Simon LeBon]

Oh I give up.

 

This will be my last post. I hope it doesnt get edited by Mr. Moderator. This is not a personal attack.

 

I came to this forum to look for friendly advice, and all I have been effectively told is is how men are so bad, they just think with their d***s, they cant control their feelings, men are all cheaters, blah blah blah. I feel sorry for all women whose interpretation of men is as such.

 

Unfortunately this forum seems to be denominated by women, and feelings here seem to be very one way biased. Not one guy posted any advice, and to be fair, as a guy I wouldn't want to contribute to such a forum either.

 

Furthermore, I do not think your views are the views of most women. The majority of the posts here have been vociferous attacks. Maybe some of you have had bad experiences with men, and that is why you are on these forums, but that is no basis judge all men in such an abhorent manner.

 

Finally, another close friend of mine (also a girl) said to me ... 'True friendship is a special kind of love'. One day I hope you all will find such love and happiness.

 

Goodbye.

 

Simon.

[bluechocolate]

first and last time I checked his profile ( which was just now ) Zarathustra was male.

 

I have many friends, male and female, some of whom I love very much indeed. I'm also in a relationship for 9 years now, for 5 of those we've been living together. I would never describe the love I have for my friends in the way that you have for this one woman. Oh, and last time I checked I was a male too.

 

but if you're not reading these anymore I guess I joined the thread too late.

[Tony T]

I am male and I think you've gotten some excellent replies here. Most of us have been on this forum for a very long time and have seen first hand the havoc and pain an affair, whether it's physical or emotional, can wreak on a marriage. You're wanting advice on what to do. Most of us have told you to cease meaninful contact with your lady friend since you do not want your marriage to end. You have also been told exactly why.

 

So that being said, exactly what more do you want from us?

 

It sounds like you want your cake and eat it too. You want to keep your marriage and have a real close, romantic non-sexual buddy on the side. Well, if you can pull that off, it's called an emotional affair, we can't draw you a blueprint on how to do it. And don't you think we would be hyprocrites for advising someone on exactly how to do this if we simply don't believe in it?

 

I am not judging you here. One day I may very well be in your position but I certainly hope not. It's not a good place to be and if you stay there...if you continue to have things to do with this woman you are not married to...you have my assurances you marriage will terminate and you will be one unhappy man. If you think you got problems now..........

[meanon]

You outlined your concerns quite clearly in your original post, you are right to be concerned. If everything is OK why did you post? Why ask the question if you did not want to hear the answers? I suspect you were looking for reassurance and, having failed to find it, you dismiss the people who have taken the time to offer you advice you asked for, rather than facing up to the prospect of losing this relationship you can not live without.

 

I have always had close friendships with men, a few close enough to call love. What you have described goes way outside the boundaries of friendship. Forget about the fact that to some, that classifies you as a cheater. It makes no difference to what has happened. The risk to your marriage is plain. Take that away from here if nothing else.

[Thinkalot]

I agree with the advice you've already been given....just think, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Would you feel comfortable if your wife shared her deepest secrets, things she does not even tell you, to another man, with whom she had fallen in love? Probably not.

[zarathustra]

Not one guy posted any advice, and to be fair, as a guy I wouldn't want to contribute to such a forum either.

 

 

Ouch! I gotta turn up my MQ ("Masculine Quotient"). Am I sounding like Oprah?

[moimeme]

Apparently, it's an insult to be considered a woman.

 

I'm still flabbergasted that this person can say he's 'in love' with a woman other than his wife and somehow think this does not constitute a relationship!!!!!!!

[magda]

Well, can you even consider his a marraige if he's been getting *closer* to his wife? Let it wither away, I say. I think this guy can't understand 'emotional affair' because he's emotionally stunted, perhaps. No idea, but I've not noticed someone with so little receptivity,,, or denial...

Either way the marraige is doomed, IMO. If he's so guiltless about it, I expect his wife must be getting emotional bj's of her own. One would sincerely hope... There's apparently no commitment in that department, see. No rules. Earlier he said she was "emotional" about certain elements of his news (so he told friends instead) so if there relationship has gotten better in the last year, and she's a person with feelings in her that require attention at times, one would guess that she's got another pretty strong source of emotional support, wouldn't you? Otherwise she'd have sensed this kind of thing and be on to him - either very suspicious or very needy or very gone - if she's worth her salt as a woman (like zarathustra )

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by moimeme

Apparently, it's an insult to be considered a woman.

 

I'm still flabbergasted that this person can say he's 'in love' with a woman other than his wife and somehow think this does not constitute a relationship!!!!!!!

 

It's also quite mindblowing that he's seen fit to bash the women here who took the time to respond to him (freely, I might add).....insinuating that we're all just ganging up on him because we're women and he's a man. Don't that beat all! LOL Truth be told, I'd have responded exactly the same way had it been a woman posting here about being "in love" with her male best friend. I couldn't give a festering frog's fat arse which gender......betraying one's spouse and then being all smug and clueless about how wrong about it is wrong no matter if you're a male or female. If he'd read my responses to Crazymonkey, he'd know full well I don't discriminate between a cowardly, deceitful, selfish spouse of either gender.

 

Maybe we should start a forum called "Tell Us What You Want To Read"...and people can post their sordid tales......telling us in advance exactly what they want us to respond with (taking their side, condoning their tacky behavior, etc).....and we can oblige!