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A new (online) friendship involving strange feelings


NormalChaos

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Hey everyone,

 

my "problem"... is a little bit strange - first and foremost to myself. But it is so strange, that I do not even dare to ask my friends... well, I asked them, but when I thought they didn't manage to grasp the "full" problem, I did not bother to explain it to every little detail to them. Because I am afraid of what they might think it means... So I figured I first want to present it anonymously. And I already want to thank you if you manage to make it through this wall of text.

 

First of all a little bit about myself: I'm rapidly approaching my mid-twenties, about to graduate from college, doing an internship in my desired profession's field and I am waiting for some grad-schools to reply to my applications. I'm an average person, living quite a happy life. I have a little bit too much weight on my hips, quite good grades, a stable social life (a handful of what I'd call really good friends and many more friends and acquaintances), a lovely family, and if I am not studying, I'm playing one or two online games, do sports, attend sports events, play the drums or spend time with friends otherwise. Nothing special really. At the moment I am single and I haven't been in a relationship for quite some time now as I've been chasing one for almost three years until I realized that it would probably never work out, and since then (late summer 2012) I gave up on the idea and started to focus more on my studies. I haven't had the... urge... to have a relatinship since then anyway.

 

In order to better present you how the things developed the way they did, I have to shortly mention that since Fall 2012, two of my best friends went through very complicated phases of their lifes (one went through a major breakup, the other friends' mother got diagnosed with cancer), so I've tried to be there for them, support them, motivate them and so on.

 

Now to the actual story that created the problem, and the problem itself... In Fall 2012 I started to play an online game after 6 months of abstinence (because I traveled a lot during the summer). So I got back into contact with a lot of nice people I met there. So far, nothing unusual. However, there was one person, one that I never had anything one would call friendship with before that time, who suddenly started to show a lot more interest in me. Let's call this person Alex. Alex and I started to play more and more together, as some people from our usual group (including both, on- and offline friends of mine) weren't playing anymore, or did not have the time. Beside playing the game, Alex also started to show a lot of interest in my travel activities, my studies, my knowledge about university systems around the world, and even asked for help with homework. All this happened a few months to a few weeks before Christmas.

 

Since we talked a lot, played a lot, and discovered a new game for both of us that none of our usual "playmates" liked, we continued to spend a lot of time together. What happened was that I basically motivated Alex (which wasn't my intention, I only told Alex how I experienced the world regarding education, especially higher education, and so on) to do more for school and grades. Apparently my talk(s) had such an impact, that Alex really changed and worked harder for school - which resulted in even more requests for help regarding homework and similar stuff. After some time, Alex also told me the reason for this change: new goals in life, regarding college and graduate studies (although Alex always semeed unsure and demotivated to everything regarding school and education). What followed were nights we spent together talking about our past, present, and future, and soon I realized that this is definitely not the standard online-"friendship" (to be honest, up to this point, I would have never thought of any of my online-acquaintances as friend). Our friendship(?) was so intense that we sent each other little Christmas presents.

 

But it did not stop there, during the weeks of Christmas break, our contact intensified. We spent a lot of time together, either playing one of our games or just chatting. We both realized we really like each other, so chatting/voice-chat soon turned into skyping w/ webcam, ideas to visit each other (we do not live THAT far apart) soon turned into booked flights. I taught Alex over webcam how to solve the Rubik's cube, we even had "a night out" together with a silly drinking game (the first time I got smashed alone at home... well, at least physically alone). Of course, I still hung out with some friends in real life, went to a New Year's party, celebrated the birthday of another friend, attended games of my local ice hockey team, played some online games with other friends, but I would bet that I spent at least as much time with Alex as with all my other friends together.

 

However, as all good things in life, Christmas break had to come to an end - one week earlier for Alex and all of my other friends than for me. So when everyone else was back at school or work, I had a lot of free time, but no one to spend it with. What happened was that I felt alone - very alone. Something that occured the last time when my last relationship ended. So I tried to meet with anyone who had time, to overcome that feeling of loneliness, but it did not help. I only managed to "forget" that feeling when I did something with Alex, even if we just told each other how the weather is. The other peculiar thing that happened was that, when Alex decided to not spend time with me because of wanting to play with (our) other friends, I felt "rejected" (although there is nothing negative in Alex' way of telling me that this) and - surprisingly - it hurt (even if my best friend tells me he cannot come to a party because he promised someone else to go with them, I never ever experienced something like this - in a friendship).

 

Of course I talked to my closest friends about this situation, as they noticed that something was wrong. My best friend told me that, to him, this situation is not surprising, as from the beginning of Fall 2012 on, I've only been there for him and my other friend, trying to help them with their problems - a state continuing until today (and I do not/did not - consciously - perceive it as something negative). So I was naturally looking for some time off, and with Alex, I could have that. That was what my best friend thought. While talking about all this, I soon realized that the feeling of loneliness wasn't a feeling of loneliness. As I already said, meeting up with other people did not really help. What was missing was the attention I used to received from Alex. This, honest, help seeking, interest Alex had in me and my life. It almost felt like I was Alex' "teacher", "idol", or "mentor" (in retrospective - I did not think about our friendship like this until I started consciously analyzing it). A fact that probably adds to this is that Alex is 6 years younger than I am.

 

A thought that another person gave me was that because my life seems to be pretty planned from now on (the only factor is which grad-school I am going to attend - I honestly think that at least one of the four schools I applied to will admit me), as opposed to Alex' life. It reminded me of myself in being in that age. While this is a nice thought, I have never had a problem with my life being planned like this. That's what I've beeng working for in college: to achieve my goals. So I figured this could not be the one, or at least not the only reason for all of this.

 

At this moment I don't know what else I could say, although I feel there is a lot of unsaid things which evade my mind at the moment. One last thing though: thank you -again -for reading through this wall of text, and sorry for my English - it is not my first language, but be assured that I tried as hard as possible to not mess up the grammar :)

 

NormalChaos

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rushingwaters

Hi NormalChaos,

 

I think you already know the answer. You are falling in love with Alex. Unfortunately, Alex does not know this.

 

So you have 2 options:

[1] ignore it and pretend to be platonic friends. Your feelings will only go away with time (and perhaps a new love interest).

[2] initiate more conversations and hang-outs with Alex. Let Alex know that you would like to be something more than friends.

 

I like [2]. how about you?

 

good luck :)

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First of all, thank you for answering (and reading)...

 

Well, of course I did not rule that possibility out. I suppose that all other explanations I came up with were just attempts to ignore that fact. I think I was just looking for someone neutral to confirm this...

 

So yeah, Alex sure doesn't know or expect this, because I did not expect that.

 

There are a number of reasons though, why I will probably not choose option 2. First of all, it's a first for me to have such feelings for someone of the same sex, as well as for someone being quite a bit younger than me.

 

Moreover, I am not a friend of long-distance relationships that started out online. I already gave that a try some years ago.

 

I guess some sleepless nights will be ahead of me :/

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rushingwaters

There's always a first for everything. That could explain the strange feelings and why you didn't see yourself falling for Sam romantically. Don't be afraid to try. Are you also having problems letting your family and friends know that you are gay/bisexual? That could add on some stress but don't let that affect how you feel about Sam.

 

If you think that your feelings for Sam are not strong, then maybe you can ignore it for now and keep being platonic friends. You can take the time off to discover what you want. It's important to know who you are before you decide to be in a relationship with someone.

 

Maybe writing things out in a private notebook/blog would help you organize your thoughts.

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Sam? Who is Sam? :D

 

But anyway, I am actually not sure at the moment, what to do/what to think. I guess my biggest problem is to figure out whether these really are romantic feelings or not... Although it certainly seems so, I am still not sure.

 

This can totally be due to the fact that it turns out I could be bisexual. Nevertheless, I am wondering more and more if all of this isn't more the result of something new and exciting I got so much used to, that I feel lost upon losing it...

 

I actually do that from time to time, but in this case it does not really help me...

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rushingwaters

Ahhh I'm so sorry! I was on another thread and I guess I got the names mixed up. I hope I didn't refer to their Sam as Alex hahaha.... *smacks own forehead*

 

something new and exciting I got so much used to, that I feel lost upon losing it

 

Of course this is part of your answer. But that doesn't mean it invalidates your feelings. Alex made you happy. We meet new people all the time. We try out new things because it's "exciting". But only a select few of these new and exciting things have an impact on us long after it's passed.

 

I re-read your first post trying to look for reasons why you like Alex. From what I gathered, he showed interest in your interests, spent time with you (playing games, Skype), and asked you for help in his homework and academic goals. I also noticed that you are the type of friend who helps your friends in times of need (very noble). Here's what I'm thinking... you like Alex because he lets you be who you want to be. But do you also like Alex for who he is?

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rushingwaters
But do you also like Alex for who he is?

 

Take your time in answering this question. The answer is not for me, it's for you. I asked this question because I think you're uncomfortable with the fact that your feelings are unplanned. You mentioned that everything in your life is already planned. So when something unexpected comes your way, you don't know what to do. You have to be honest with yourself. Usually it's easy to know if feelings are platonic. It's harder to admit that they are romantic. But once you do figure it out, I'm sure you already know what you want to do.

 

Don't worry about putting a label on your sexual orientation or a number on the age gap. I have a male friend who is gay. His boyfriend is 4 years older than him and they're very happy together.

 

I hope that you will be happy, whether the person you will be with is Alex or not.

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Ahhh I'm so sorry! I was on another thread and I guess I got the names mixed up. I hope I didn't refer to their Sam as Alex hahaha.... *smacks own forehead*
No big deal ;)

 

I re-read your first post
Wow...

you like Alex because he lets you be who you want to be
I guess that hit the nail on the head.

But do you also like Alex for who he is?
This sounds indeed like the question I SHOULD answer - if I had asked it...

 

you're uncomfortable with the fact that your feelings are unplanned
Yes and no. I guess I'm more uncomfortable because of the circumstances they happened it - same sex and without really knowing the person.

 

everything in your life is already planned
That might sounded a little bit too definitive. What I meant by that is that I have a pretty clear idea of where I want to head to. There are still a lot of things that could change, so it is not like everything is actually planned, rather than the rough idea of what it should be like is clearly defined.

 

I guess that the answer to the question you asked lies in the immediate future, namely when Alex and I will meet. Although it is still quite some time up to that point, I think it will reveal more than anything I could figure out in the next couple of days...

 

hope that you will be happy, whether the person you will be with is Alex or not.

 

Thank you, I hope you too will be happy (or perhaps already are happy) with someone. All I know about Alex however leads me to the conclusion that I could probably never be with him - but on the other hand, up until a couple of weeks ago I considered myself heterosexual only as well...

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rushingwaters
Quote:

I re-read your first post

 

Wow...

 

Just to make sure I don't call him Matt or Brian :p

 

I guess that the answer to the question you asked lies in the immediate future, namely when Alex and I will meet. Although it is still quite some time up to that point, I think it will reveal more than anything I could figure out in the next couple of days...

 

Smart thinking! I support this plan. Sometimes I think I like a person but when I'm with them, I feel differently. I hope you two meet again soon!

 

Thank you, I hope you too will be happy (or perhaps already are happy) with someone. All I know about Alex however leads me to the conclusion that I could probably never be with him - but on the other hand, up until a couple of weeks ago I considered myself heterosexual only as well...

 

Yup, life is full of surprises! Look on the bright side :) And thanks! I'm working on being happier haha.

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