Best friends have cut me out of their life after disagreement

[Char12]

I had 2 best friends which i'd known for years. I arranged going out for my birthday and both agreed. I booked the night off work and came home early from uni to get ready. I'd emailed them both asking what time we were meeting up 2 hours earlier, and whilst on the train i got blunt text "sorry can't make it" of one of them. The other then rang me up an hour later saying it was a **** thing to do and that she'd take me out with her friends. By this time it was late and it would have taken me a 40 minute train journey now on my own to get to her so i said thanks but left it.

 

That night she did end up going out and bumped into the other girl already out. She bitched to me about her a week later saying that she'd seen her, however pictures were posted on facebook of them out together all night having fun, whilst i was stuck in on my birthday.

 

The friend who missed my birthday hasn't spoken to me since. 2 weeks later i got together with the other friend and we were talking about new years eve plans. The day comes and she texts me in the morning asking what the plans were and whether i wanted to come shopping. I said i didn't know and i'd like to. She replied that she'd got tickets to a club the previous night with another girl she's been hanging out a lot with recently and that i could try and get tickets for that. By the time i tried to buy them they'd sold out. Her reply was "sorry try somewhere else, do you still want to come shopping for my dress?" because i can drive i'm presuming. I asked why she hadn't told me when she'd bought them and she said she didn't know until she got a booking confirmation (which would have meant the other girl had got them as a surprise and she hadn't found out until the next day, however she'd told me what time they'd got them the previous night).

 

I was upset, didn't reply, and didn't have time to make more plans so was stuck in on my own again for new years. She wasn't bothered and didn't even text me happy new year. She then posted pictures on facebook of them having a good time, she'd also happened to bump into the other friend who missed my birthday. She contacted me two weeks later like nothing had happened asking if i wanted to come out. I was upfront and replied "I felt like i'd been dropped by them both and would feel awkward pretending it hadn't bothered me." she replied "be like that then, wasn't intentional."

 

Since then both haven't spoken to me. They both hang around with my other friends who prefer them to me it seems and i don't want to travel down on my own to a night where i'd be left out. They have been going out together almost every night with the new girl they spent new years eve with and post pictures and posts on facebook saying how much they love each other. I on the other hand had to stay in all of my christmas holidays on my own.

 

I'd been suffering with depression and had rang my friend up in tears saying how bad i'd felt sometimes which might have been a reason they dropped me. It didn't help though and i've got even worse since. I've tried ringing up old friends but only one could come and see me. I've been trying not to wallow and have hidden them all on facebook and have been learning how to sketch but i'm really lonely and it feels pathetic. I've recently come back to uni where i have a couple of friends and they all leave every weekend to see there boyfriends/ friends and have pictures of going out places over the holidays and i have nothing. My uni friends are nice but sometimes they can say comments which hurt me and will put me off.

 

I don't know what i've done to make everybody dislike me. I've known these girls for years and they've completely forgotten about me. I think the reason must be because of my depression.. i always get told that bad people would end up alone and it's me whose alone. They also take drugs together and i don't which may be another reason. Any help appreciated..

[darkmoon]

tbh, I thnk you were expcting too much from them, you could try asking them to clarify this, I can't know because I've never met them, but if you think it's all of them, not you, who needs to behave better, well, you're in the minority, i think you might have pissed them off, if so, ask why and say sorry

 

BUT if you have started looking very attractive, then you have become competition, somebody not to stand next to or hang out with where guys are

 

friendships have to be worked at, see, listen to what they say

unless, they've turned into a bunch of Mean Girls, in which case - run

Edited January 24, 2013 by darkmoon

[Char12]

The second girl hangs out with me and bitches about the other girl, saying she spends too much time with her boyfriend and that i'm her best friend. She's even randomly text me out of the blue saying she doesn't like her and i've just replied by laughing or nodding my head. I make a conscious effort not to bad mouth her. However she'll say this and have her phone background as the two of them and things like that. I've done nothing i can think of to piss them off except maybe being too needy by ringing her up when i was upset. I don't think i expect too much from her, she said she was my best friend and this would have been the first time we'd seen each other in weeks because of uni.

[darkmoon]

being phoned by somebody upset is pretty hard to handle, been there, burdened and used, a routine obligation i wished i moved away from sooner, i would come off the phone literally reeling and unable to think straight about my life- she couldn't see the horrible effect she was having on me

 

but until you ask these ppl, we are both just guessing

Edited January 24, 2013 by darkmoon

[Taramere]

I've done nothing i can think of to piss them off except maybe being too needy by ringing her up when i was upset.

 

I have a group of friends who I've known for years and who I will back right away from if I'm feeling a bit depressed. When we all meet up, we have a blast, and I want to maintain that. Leaning too much on them would alter the dynamic. With other friends I've confided more seriously in, people I was friends with during my 30s, we fell out, or they drifted away or I did. What marked those friendships out was a lack of boundaries. That can feel very cosy initially, but it comes at a cost. My longer term friends are a lot more stable, but with that stability comes boundaries.

 

Perhaps personal boundaries are something you need to start thinking seriously about. Making a lot of needy telephone calls to friends is not okay. There's a reason that counsellors charge money for the service they provide. Listening at length to another person's problems and crises takes its toll. Professional counsellors get supervision and support for this. Friends often don't, and if they try (in turn) to lean on other friends for support after supporting you, there's a good chance that they'll be told "maybe it's time you thought about ditching this friendship since it's bringing you so much negativity and hassle."

 

Which encourages people to start wondering what positives they're getting from the friendship. Insurance for a shoulder to cry on when theyneed one? Probably not, because most people seek a stable shoulder to cry on - and if you're know to have difficulty coping emotionally, you're not going to be regarded as a stable shoulder, even if you would like to be the person others turn to.

 

I feel for you re the way your friends are handling this. It's one thing to back away from somebody when you're feeling drained by their unhappiness. Going out and partying on their birthday when they know you're alone is shabby though, and I hope that when they have time to reflect on their actions they would recognise that. If they don't, then old friends or not it's time to take your cue from them regarding putting distance between you and them. they're I would suggest blocking Facebook updates from them, because those updates are just going to encourage you to dwell on negatives.

 

Since these are long term friends, there's a good chance that after they haven't heard from you in a while they'll get curious and want to find out what you're up to. Hopefully when that happens, you'll be in a better and stronger place and able to take these friends for who they are. People who are probably not a good port of call in a crisis, but who you might nonetheless be able to have a good time with when you're feeling up to it.