FB defriending someone who makes socially inappropriate comments - petty?

[Els]

So, something like 7 years ago, I used to have this 'orbiter' who pursued me relentlessly despite being turned down bluntly several times. To put it nicely, he was not terribly bright, rather socially awkward, and talking to him for more than 10 minutes just made me grind my teeth. He and I had a huge circle of mutual friends, though, and I wasn't great at enforcing boundaries back then (I was in my late teens then), so he ended up on my FB anyway.

 

He finally stopped his dogged pursuing when I got a bf and we didn't talk much after that, so I saw no need to defriend him. The last time I spoke to him online was 2 years ago.

 

Recently, a friend of mine posted some pics of us on my FB, and he commented on one publicly with the equivalent of "god you're so fat now!". (Bear in mind I'm all of 120 lbs, though I did used to be 110, 7 years ago)

 

I felt pretty darn annoyed and offended. I mean, I don't even mind if it's a close friend and we tease each other mercilessly all the time, but someone whom I haven't spoken to for 2 years thinks it's cool to do that? Seriously?

 

He apologized when I scolded him for it and said that he had no idea that I'd be offended, so I was inclined to just forgive him for being socially weird as usual. But part of me thinks I've just had about enough of this guy. He's proven that his social skills haven't improved one bit in 7 years and he has no clue about when he's being offensive. I feel like I'm being too forgiving about this sort of shyt in general and I should learn to draw firmer lines.

 

It feels slightly petty to defriend/block him for one boneheaded comment though. Especially since we have plenty of mutual friends, some of whom I DO speak to regularly and enjoy their company.

 

Thoughts?

Edited January 24, 2013 by Elswyth

[Emilia]

Nope, it's your facebook you can do what you like. I defriend people all the time whom I see as unlikely candidates for long term friendship or whose company I don't enjoy in real life. Why should you worry about what he posts on your wall one day? If he doesn't understand decorum, he gets dumped. Bye bye fake friends.

[Els]

Hey, good point. I'd hate for him to spread animosity amongst mutual friends and make me out to be petty, but meh. If he needs to be TOLD not to say that sort of stuff....

[Emilia]

He strikes me as the kind who might be already doing that anyway - which you can't control of course. I quite enjoy only having people on my list whom I genuinely like, it's a nice feeling.

[veggirl]

It's not petty. If someone asks (can't imagine that they would) just say you were doing a friends clean up and deleting people you aren't actually really in any contact with.

[orionboxing]

I think you de-friending him is a good thing and not out of line at all. He basically insulted your appearance and that's not what friends do. A guy insulting a girl's appearance is a definite no-no.

 

I do give you credit for befriending him to begin with...since you had some type of disdain for him in the beginning. You sound like a good person, and good people accept others for what they are even if it doesn't benefit them at all. My reason for not accepting a friend request is if I don't know them at all - or - they never wrote me some type of introductory message prior to adding me as a friend.

 

I personally think the "cleaning out my friends" concept reflects badly on the person doing it. You are essentially burning bridges for no reason at all. You never know when one of those facebook "friends" you rarely correspond with could reach out to you for advice, an opportunity, a recommendation, or something equally as good. I accept almost all friend requests for that reason.

[writergal]

You don't need to block this block-head. All you need to do is change your post options to "custom." Click inside your post box and choose the "custom" button, then type his name and after that, he won't be able to read anything that you post on your wall, and vice versa.

 

That way you won't feel guilty for defriending him. And who knows. He may change.

 

Miracles do happen.

[CC12]

I'd hate for him to spread animosity amongst mutual friends and make me out to be petty, but meh.

 

Surely your friends wouldn't believe that you're petty just based on what this socially awkward guy says about you. Would they really think you're petty because you de-friended some guy you never speak to anymore?

 

Honestly, I want to say, "Nobody cares that much about Facebook" but I know there are some people who actually do care that much. Hopefully your friends don't.

 

But more to the point, he's not your friend and he's weird and rude. You've never even really liked him. It seems as though the only reason you're considering keeping him on your friends list is because you don't want anyone to think you're petty or mean or whatever. If that's true, then I think you're being too nice about someone being a huge dick to you.

 

Go ahead and get mad and block him and then be done with him. No reasonable person would fault you for that.

[whichwayisup]

He finally stopped his dogged pursuing when I got a bf and we didn't talk much after that, so I saw no need to defriend him. The last time I spoke to him online was 2 years ago.

 

2 years and not a word? yeah I'd delete him just because..

 

Recently, a friend of mine posted some pics of us on my FB, and he commented on one publicly with the equivalent of "god you're so fat now!". (Bear in mind I'm all of 120 lbs, though I did used to be 110, 7 years ago)

 

What an ASS/hole!! Don't feel bad and don't even think twice about it - DELETE HIM. Yuck!

[writergal]

I'd probably just defriend him. But if you're afraid that will cause drama, you can hide his posts from your newsfeed, and hide all your posts from him.

 

I suggested the same.

[Leigh 87]

I am a sensitive and polite person to most people, but I would have thought "gees, what an hole!"

I too, was 110 lbs, and am now 130... So I would not appreciate it if some guy I barly knew commented about my weight gain...

 

I especially would not care about what your mutual friends thought. I like to keep the peace among groups, too; but really, how is de friending someone you barly know or want to talk to anyway, going to lead to any conflict?

Don't have him there just for because you have mutual friends. You do not ow it to them to keep a guy on your fb, whome you do not actually like, or enjoy being around (or even talking to for that matter)

 

He has not been bothered to learn social manners. If he wanted to badly enough he could. Unless he is autistic, or has real issues to address (and cannot afford the therapy, or even know something is up, in terms of his social skills...)

 

Remember Elswyth, I had anorexia and I was socially isolated and I had not been around people for years due to my illness. I made a lot of mistakes socially, but I did not like alienating myself, so I took the necessary steps to change.

Not everyone who is socially devient knows or feels compelled to change, though. I personally had enough self awareness to be like "wow, what I said was a little off, I don't like making people having a bad reaction to me, I really want to change this because I like being around people"

 

 

..........................

 

 

..Just something to think about. Maybe for his sake you could mention to one of your mutual friends about how your concerned that his socially weird ways could be hindering his relationships!

 

Maybe some people like him can be taught.

I had to have people telling me I was strange and say awful things to me, for me to realise I was acting strangely.

 

Unfortunately, I had super nasty people be the ones to tell me I was strange - I would have much rather a nice, normal person just pull me aside and say " look, some things you say are a little off, just letting you know so you can do something about it before someone nasty has a go at you"

[Els]

Thanks for the feedback, guys. He has been deleted. I do know about the 'custom' option but last I tried it, it seems to reset every time you change the privacy options so you have to re-select the people to exclude all the time. Seems like a lot of trouble just for that dickhead.

 

To clarify about the mutual friends/2 years without speaking deal... I have not met most of them for that long because I moved countries then. They are all still together and hang out IRL pretty often but I don't have that option. I still try and keep in contact with the others online (hence FB playing a big part in it) because, well, I don't like to lose friends, and some of them are great to talk to. So yes, they are more 'his' friends now than mine. But I do agree that the sensible ones amongst them, which are the ones I talk to the most, wouldn't take his word against mine. Or at least I hope so.

[Els]

Maybe some people like him can be taught.

I had to have people telling me I was strange and say awful things to me, for me to realise I was acting strangely.

 

Unfortunately, I had super nasty people be the ones to tell me I was strange - I would have much rather a nice, normal person just pull me aside and say " look, some things you say are a little off, just letting you know so you can do something about it before someone nasty has a go at you"

 

This is not the first time that I told him he was being a dickhead. To his credit, he hasn't repeated any of the previous things that I told him not to say, but really, it isn't my job to teach someone his social A-Zs...