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Is it possible to stay friends with an ex !!!!


Jiggy1975

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I recently broke up with my BF, while I still dearly love him, I just couldn't take his constant flirting, although I knew nothing would ever come of it and trusted him completely, his requirement for so much validation from other women destroyed my self esteem and took my confidence to an all time low. I picked up the courage to send him an email to ask if we could be friends, never wanted to keep an ex in my life before and it was a huge deal for me, he responded to my mail and said that we could be friends, I responded to his mail and sent him an xmas card and haven't heard anything since. He probably thinks it's a feeble attempt to win him back, but it's not, I really want him in my life as a friend, anyone got any advice on this subject ?????

 

We live two hours away so it's not like there's any chance of seeing each other on a regular basis, I was just hoping for a catchup email every now and then, but it's been over a month since I heard from him ???????????????????:confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused:

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No!!!!!

 

Why would you want to stay friends with him??????

 

Read my No Contact updated 2013 guide.

The first post is the main guide.

the remainder of the thread is a very telling tale of why it's a very bad idea to stay in touch as 'friends'....

 

Good luck. :)

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I know what you're saying and thanks for your input, but he really is a very genuine guy and while I know it will not work as a relationship I know we could be great friends, he never did anything to hurt me intentionally, my own insecurities couldn't take his flirting and I would never have asked him to change, so kept the issue to myself, thanks so much for your input, will go and have a read of that now :)

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No, you miss the point.

it's not him who can't be friends with you - it is you who should not be friends with him....

 

Have you read the guide?

 

It's pretty clear - while you have feelings for someone, establishing a 'friends only' relationship with them, is impossible, because your damaged heart will take three times as long to heal - and in fact, may not do so at all while the two of you are still connected.

 

you need to 'get over' someone completely, before you can get to that level.

Say you guys arrange to hang out one evening, and during this evening he says "We need to call by such-and-such a place to pick up my GF"... and you spend the entire evening 'sharing;' him with a girl he can't take his eyes off, and being all lovey-dovey with, and you're sitting there, playing gooseberry....

 

How does that make you feel right now?

The possibility of his meeting someone special to him....?

 

Could you cope with it right now?

 

That's why it's not a good idea, see.....

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Yeah I totally get what you're saying and with that scenario, I would be heartbroken, but that scenario could never happen, we both have kids from previous relationships, we live hours away from each other, I couldn't do this with someone who lived down the road, but with the mileage distance between us, our friendship would only ever be email correspondence, nothing else, neither of us can afford late night phone calls, etc. it would just be an email every now and then, just to keep in touch, but I guess I get what you're saying, I really need to get over the hurt of the whole thing first and maybe a year or two down the line, contact him then, but I really do feel while we didn't make it in a relationship, we could make it with a strong friendship when both of us are over each other ??????????????

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I recently broke up with my BF, while I still dearly love him, I just couldn't take his constant flirting, although I knew nothing would ever come of it and trusted him completely, his requirement for so much validation from other women destroyed my self esteem and took my confidence to an all time low. I picked up the courage to send him an email to ask if we could be friends, never wanted to keep an ex in my life before and it was a huge deal for me, he responded to my mail and said that we could be friends, I responded to his mail and sent him an xmas card and haven't heard anything since. He probably thinks it's a feeble attempt to win him back, but it's not, I really want him in my life as a friend, anyone got any advice on this subject ?????

 

We live two hours away so it's not like there's any chance of seeing each other on a regular basis, I was just hoping for a catchup email every now and then, but it's been over a month since I heard from him ???????????????????:confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused:

 

m also going through almost the same thing.. i want him back n can wait for him as well.. but he has showed me his rude n rough attitude.. now i've stepped back.. but can i expect one day he'll be back to me??

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Have you ever had sex with a friend who was just a friend?

 

You just want to keep tabs on what you still want.

 

Guys tend to not be very good with maintaining communication through emails/texts/etc. and that's with girls they are with. Now you are not with him, you were the one who broke it off giving him more reason to be distant, and if he is using women for validation much of his energy and time is probably spent in that pursuit which you are no longer apart of or want to be apart of.

 

Tnx for your input oxykitten, I guess I still love him and was hoping that he would see through his flirtatious ways and want to change for himself, not for me, but for himself, he's great at keeping up communication textwise, so a bit different to other guys in some ways, I guess I'm still headoverheels in love with him, I'm just going to have to get on with my life, even though at the moment, I'm at breaking point, I really don't know which way to turn, depression has me on the couch whenever possible, only leaving the house to go to work, tnx again for your words

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m also going through almost the same thing.. i want him back n can wait for him as well.. but he has showed me his rude n rough attitude.. now i've stepped back.. but can i expect one day he'll be back to me??

 

 

I'm so sorry sidra893 but I have to agree with oxykitten, if your boyfriend has shown you his rough and rude side then you shouldn't want him back, but I know that's very easily said, while my guy flirted with other women, I knew he would never take it any further, I just couldn't handle it, but if he showed me a rough and rude attitude I would walk away, it would be hard but I would make myself, I hope you find peace with your situation soon

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My exBF is one of my best friends.

 

 

That's lovely to hear, maybe one day I'll have that with this ex, I hope I do, he's an amazing guy, I just couldn't handle his flirtatious ways :(:(

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That's lovely to hear, maybe one day I'll have that with this ex, I hope I do, he's an amazing guy, I just couldn't handle his flirtatious ways :(:(

 

The big flirts I know never stop flirting no matter how old they are. It gets to a point where it is pathetic.

 

Most of them are all talk and no action. It's a little bit sick.

 

But you need to work on yourself too. If his flirting is getting to you then you need to build up your own self-esteem.

 

Was his flirting really that bad or are your insecurities really that bad? Or both?

 

You say you never mentioned it to him. Why is that? Are you insecure about being insecure? How was he suppose to be mindful of his flirting if you never brought it up? He's not a mind reader you know?

 

Now you just seem like a flake for breaking up with him without a good reason.

 

You said you can't change him which is true but you can change how you react to make it not bother you as much.

 

Are flirting boyfriends a recurring problem for you because if they are, it's you who is bringing the poison to the party.

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The big flirts I know never stop flirting no matter how old they are. It gets to a point where it is pathetic.

 

Most of them are all talk and no action. It's a little bit sick.

 

But you need to work on yourself too. If his flirting is getting to you then you need to build up your own self-esteem.

 

Was his flirting really that bad or are your insecurities really that bad? Or both?

 

You say you never mentioned it to him. Why is that? Are you insecure about being insecure? How was he suppose to be mindful of his flirting if you never brought it up? He's not a mind reader you know?

 

Now you just seem like a flake for breaking up with him without a good reason.

 

You said you can't change him which is true but you can change how you react to make it not bother you as much.

 

Are flirting boyfriends a recurring problem for you because if they are, it's you who is bringing the poison to the party.

 

He's 40 so it was a little pathetic, I think the older a flirt gets, the worse it looks, my insecurities would be fairly standard but his flirting was really OTT, he couldn't go an hour on FB without flirting with one woman or another, we met on a dating website and the first sign of his flirting was three months in, I saw in the ticker that he'd gotten part of a comment thread on one of his friends pages where he and this girl were flirting back and forth, he then made friends with this girl, I got over it and didn't say anything, until a couple of weeks later, he was at mine and went checking his FB, he was talking about this friend he had been there for, her boyfriend had left her and he was a shoulder to lean on, nothing wrong with that, then he said and there she is, it was the girl he had been flirting with, I mentioned to him that I had seen the comment thread and it had upset me and he said, "maybe I've been on my own too long and just got out of being in a relationship and was a little overly flirty, I'll check that straight away. The flirting just got worse and worse. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I should have ignored it, but it just got to the point where I couldn't ignore it any longer, he was making friends with more and more women, etc.

 

Flirting boyfriends aren't a reoccurent thing with me, this was the first and will be the last, I know I just can't handle the flirty type, I guess I'm just old fashioned and feel that the only person you should flirt with is your partner, maybe I'm wrong with that too, but I feel you should only require your partners validation and not every woman that crosses your path ????:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

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You were right to end things with him. He's disrespecting you by the way he totally disregards your requests to stop flirting.

 

Especially if he's mentioning his "friend" when you two are together in person. That's completely crossing the line.

 

Why do you want to be friends with him again? He sounds like a tool. :mad:

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You were right to end things with him. He's disrespecting you by the way he totally disregards your requests to stop flirting.

 

Especially if he's mentioning his "friend" when you two are together in person. That's completely crossing the line.

 

Why do you want to be friends with him again? He sounds like a tool. :mad:

 

 

I know he sounds like a complete tool, but I guess I understand the reasons why he flirts, it's got to do with his past, he's not a total tool, even though his flirting is very "tool-like", he's actually a very kind, caring, sensitive person, just needs a lot of validation from a lot of women, which I understand, I just can't live with it relationshipwise, but friendshipwise, it's got nothing to do with me, I'm not explaining myself very well, I care about this guy a lot, I'd go so far as to say I'm still very much in love with him, but while I still love him, I also know that we could never make it as a couple, but I know we'd make great friends in the future, maybe not at the moment, we're both still hurting and trying to get over the relationship, but hopefully some day in the future we can be friends, when all the hurt and pain has subsided, tnx for all your input guys, it's meant a lot, now I gotta go cry my eyes out AGAIN, trying to resist the urge to contact him at the moment :(:(:(:(:(:(

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I know he sounds like a complete tool, but I guess I understand the reasons why he flirts, it's got to do with his past, he's not a total tool, even though his flirting is very "tool-like", he's actually a very kind, caring, sensitive person, just needs a lot of validation from a lot of women, which I understand, I just can't live with it relationshipwise, but friendshipwise, it's got nothing to do with me, I'm not explaining myself very well, I care about this guy a lot, I'd go so far as to say I'm still very much in love with him, but while I still love him, I also know that we could never make it as a couple, but I know we'd make great friends in the future, maybe not at the moment, we're both still hurting and trying to get over the relationship, but hopefully some day in the future we can be friends, when all the hurt and pain has subsided, tnx for all your input guys, it's meant a lot, now I gotta go cry my eyes out AGAIN, trying to resist the urge to contact him at the moment :(:(:(:(:(:(

 

It's got NOTHING to do with his past.

 

That's an excuse, but not a valid reason.

If he has issues of this kind, he needs therapy or counselling.

Why should anyone have to make allowances for the bad behaviour he is CHOOSING to manifest now, simply because he has past issues, and instead of dealing with them head-on, he's leaning on them as valid reasons to excuse his bad behaviour now?

 

Imagine:

 

"I'm sorry I keep hitting you and breaking your nose, but my dad used to hit me as a kid and broke my nose once. That's why I keep hitting you."

 

Does that sound valid?

Of course not.

 

His behaviour needs addressing.

But to lean on the past, as a justification for the present, I'm afraid is a load of hog-wash to me.

As one who fell into the same trap, many years ago, I can definitely attest it's preventative behaviour.

 

(I'm like a reformed smoker - hates the habit twice as much as someone who's never smoked....)

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LOL Taramaiden, thanks for the broken NOSE heeheehee, I really do get what you're saying and he never used that reason, I suppose it's how I've chosen to excuse it, although I didnt excuse it too well, yes I brought up the fact to him that he needed counselling/therapy, but was told that he'd read all the books and knew exactly what the therapist/counsellors would say to him and didn't see the point of it, but anyone can read a book on carpentry, but a carpenter, of you, it does not make, but I know all that. Bottom line is - we broke up, I couldn't handle his flirting, but I see now that I should have just PUT MY FOOT DOWN firmly and said I wouldn't accept it, instead of pussyfooting around the subject and saying I'd handle it, but that's all in the past, what I've learned from this comment thread will stay with me forever, I DO STILL HOPE that we can be friends ONE DAY, but that ONE DAY is way way way off in the future when BOTH of us are OVER EACH OTHER, I know now that there's no way I could be friends with him at the moment, I'm still very much in love with him, even with his faults, inspite of his faults, I can't help how my heart feels, but I can help what my head chooses and today I CHOSE ME, I need to do a lot of work on me, I WILL meet the guy of my dreams one day, but I'm going to make me the girl of his first, I need therapy myself many many years ago and have only started with the past two years, I've a while to go, but I WILL GET THERE and tnx so much for the broken nose, it's helped me an AWFUL LOT :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

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My head is wrecked AGAIN today, he's after liking a post on my FB work page, how can something so simple throw you completely off kilter, I should be able to say "awww isn't that sweet, he's liked my post" but instead i'm like "WTH" just when I thought I could start digging myself out of this hole I've made for myself !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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You need to read the No Contact Guide (Link in my signature, updated 2013) and stick to it like a barnacle to a whale....

 

The first thing you MUST - absolutely, definitely MUST - do, is to block him on FB.

Delete and block him on your mobile.

Block him on your email address.

 

Find all, every and any way in which you two can connect, and board it up, nail it shut and condemn it as being completely unsafe and uninhabitable.

 

DO.

 

IT.

 

Please don't make excuses in your head as to how you can't, it's not possible, you don't want to in case.....

Just phukking do it, woman!!!!

 

All and every bit of it.

 

You'll feel a whole lot better and safer.

 

It will also make you thoroughly miserable, because you'll realise that with every door you shut, you distance yourself from the man you love - but - I love my foot.

If it had gangrene, I'd have to cut it off, no matter how much I missed it.....

 

It's got to be done, hun..... (((((HUGS)))))

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You need to read the No Contact Guide (Link in my signature, updated 2013) and stick to it like a barnacle to a whale....

 

The first thing you MUST - absolutely, definitely MUST - do, is to block him on FB.

Delete and block him on your mobile.

Block him on your email address.

 

Find all, every and any way in which you two can connect, and board it up, nail it shut and condemn it as being completely unsafe and uninhabitable.

 

DO.

 

IT.

 

Please don't make excuses in your head as to how you can't, it's not possible, you don't want to in case.....

Just phukking do it, woman!!!!

 

All and every bit of it.

 

You'll feel a whole lot better and safer.

 

It will also make you thoroughly miserable, because you'll realise that with every door you shut, you distance yourself from the man you love - but - I love my foot.

If it had gangrene, I'd have to cut it off, no matter how much I missed it.....

 

It's got to be done, hun..... (((((HUGS)))))

 

Tnx Taramaiden, I've done all that, I've even blocked him from the business page on FB, but whatever it is about FB, even when you block someone they can still like things, he's blocked me already from his FB profile (at my request) coz I know I'd crumble and unblock to have a nosey, but he's still able to like the business page, although he's invisible to the host business, it's visible to everyone else :(:(:( but I just got to get over it, whether I'm able to 100% do the NC or not, I just got to get over him, it gave me a bit of hope yesterday to see the like, but I know I was just being a stupid silly, childlike, fairytale believer, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh well, onward and hopefully upward!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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There ARE NO rules. All these articles about NC. All these rules people have are ridiculous. You must follow your own gut and folow your instinct. We learn from our own mistakes.

 

NC is for people who still have feelings for someone. Either they want them back and play that 'game' to act indifferent to get there attention or its for someone who needs space and time for those feelings to take a back seat.

 

side note: no relationship will rekindle unless the problems that existed during the relationship are gone. People who have feelings still sometimes need NC to work on there problems so when you come back it's like starting new.

 

If both parties involved fully understand there is no future and there are no longer any feelings and they both live a better life by having them part of it then why not be friends. In your case he may think your call for friendship is actually a call for peace and an offer to be aquintances with no hard feelings. He may have moved on and doesn't wish to be 'close' friends. He may still have feelings and can't be close to you now because he knows there is no future and he needs time. I think you need to ask him. Put it all out there and clearly communicate what exactly you want. Thats the only way to know. You can't know what hes thinking until you ask. The only other thing i'd say is that if you truely want to be 'close' friends with this person then be a close friend. Understand what it means to be a good friend and be that. Don't have a grey area. True good friends are hard to come by.

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There ARE NO rules. All these articles about NC. All these rules people have are ridiculous. You must follow your own gut and folow your instinct. We learn from our own mistakes.

 

The NC guide is written precisely for those who persistently cannot, or do not....

 

NC is for people who still have feelings for someone. Either they want them back and play that 'game' to act indifferent to get there attention or its for someone who needs space and time for those feelings to take a back seat.

Not so.

NC is not a game to be played to get someone back. If you bothered to read the Guide, it's almost the first thing it says.

Your second point is nearer the mark....

What else would we promote it for..?

 

side note: no relationship will rekindle unless the problems that existed during the relationship are gone. People who have feelings still sometimes need NC to work on there problems so when you come back it's like starting new.

heh.... Now you're just quoting me..... ;)

 

:D

 

If both parties involved fully understand there is no future and there are no longer any feelings and they both live a better life by having them part of it then why not be friends.

 

And you're quoting the Guide again....

 

In your case he may think your call for friendship is actually a call for peace and an offer to be aquintances with no hard feelings. He may have moved on and doesn't wish to be 'close' friends. He may still have feelings and can't be close to you now because he knows there is no future and he needs time. I think you need to ask him. Put it all out there and clearly communicate what exactly you want. Thats the only way to know. You can't know what hes thinking until you ask. The only other thing i'd say is that if you truely want to be 'close' friends with this person then be a close friend. Understand what it means to be a good friend and be that. Don't have a grey area. True good friends are hard to come by.

 

Have you read the thread from the beginning, at all....?

 

Just asking....

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I am not quoting you and I have never read your 'guide'

 

I did NOT read the thread fron start to finish. Sorry, just skimmed and I don't mean to make a debate. These are my personal views and I do not want to stray too far away from the original post.

 

Although I believe people sometimes need guidance, support and help to

overcome a relationship I personally disagree for the most part in seeking answers in things such as the 'NC Rule'. I don't like thinking of having no contact with someone for the sake of self help, recovery or moving on as the 'NC Rule', a set of rules or a guideline for moving on. It just makes simple common sense. Anything I say here will point back to 'did you read my guide' have you followed 'The Rule'. Having no contact with someone is common sense based on the specific needs of the individual and whats best for both parties.

 

In answer to the original post I think it's best to clearly understand what it is you want, what the intensions truely are and to openly communicate your feelings (no matter what the risks) to that person. The biggest problem in any relationship on the core level is communication, both as a sender and receiver. I happen to be good at it unfortuneatly those who i've dated weren't

 

As a footnote: I personally know how hard it is to move on from someone and have my own serious issues with it. Otherwise I wouldn't be here.

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No, that's fine, but I would recommend you read the Guide before you critique it..... and reading threads - although tedious, admittedly - does ensure you don't end up with 'foot-in-mouth' syndrome.... :D

 

The NC guide does work. The first post in the thread, is the Guide itself. The remainder of the thread is testimony as to why it's foolish to break NC - and precisely why friendship cannot exist in certain circumstances.

 

Much as you have said, actually.

 

So maybe you're talking about a different kind of NC.... ;)

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tnx for all the comments, I do see how the "NC" works, if you want to get over someone NC is the way to go, all situations are different and sometimes the NC isnt right for a situation. In order to get over this guy I'm going to have to go NC though, because I'm still very very much in love with him, I guess my offer of friendship was in the hopes of getting him back as a boyfriend, but I was genuine also about keeping him as a friend, at the time I just wanted him in my life and it didn't matter what he was boyfriend/friend.

 

He's a genuinely great guy, but a typical aries and flirts to beat the band, I can laugh at it now, even though it hurt me to watch his flirty side, at the same time, I know it wasn't intentionally to hurt me, but anyway that's all history.

 

I'm doing MUCH MUCH BETTER, a friend was bugging me to start meditation and whatdayaknow, 5 sessions in and I'm feeling much better, not 100% but on the way there, I was finding it very hard to switch off, he was in my head 24/7 but the meditation has helped me so much, I still love him and I guess I always will, one day I do still hope to be friends with him but that's well after I've healed, I know now that I can't do it until then, tnx guys !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D

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was doing really reallly well and was handling things great, he was liking posts on my work page, couldn't block him from it, but I was handling it, at the beginning I had asked him to BLOCK me on FB, childish I know but if I had seen anything he posted ANYWHERE it would have torn the heart out of me, recently I've put up several different posts on my work page, which he's been liking, etc. and two weeks ago I realised that he has UNBLOCKED me on FB, it was fine at the beginning but now it's starting to grate on me again, I really wish he would have left me blocked, he isn't the type to play mindgames, so I don't think that's what's happening, anyone got any insight or input they could share as to what's happening here, my head is wrecked from it, I just wish I could stop loving him, but it's as strong as the first day I fell :love::love::love:

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