Is my friend a mean girl? Or am I oversensitive

[Treble Clef]

This is something that's been troubling me for a while. EM has been a friend I've known for about 3 years. We're not super close; more of an acquaintance but I have shared some personal stuff with her. For most of our friendship I've noticed that she takes stabs at me, and I don't know if it's her type of humor, or if she's hiding some bad feelings against me.

 

~

 

Most of them are related to my appearance, although recently she's started attacking my achievements (more on that later). Now, I think I'm a decent-looking person, but I was never too good at the fashion and styling thing. I think I can present myself well, although I might not be the most trendy. I don't wear makeup much so I'm not that familiar with the whole package but I can do basic stuff (eyeliner and such).

 

EM is very aware that I'm not a style expert like her and always makes me aware of it.

 

Examples:

-Whenever I put makeup on or dress nicer than regular T and jeans she'll mockingly say something like "oh look! She's trying to be sexy!" and comment that I need a new wardrobe and how I've clearly never had makeup lessons .

 

-If I post a Facebook pic of myself looking unusually photogenic (I'm not normally) she'll be the lone negative comment pointing out some minor fault or criticizing my frumpiness. A few times the comments have been mean enough that my other friends have called her out on it.

 

-About 2 years ago I did a fun little iPhone photoshoot with my best friend, and the only thing E kept commenting on were that my shoes were a little too big. It became the main conversation topic at every party we attended, where she'd tell everyone about my "ugly boots" and pass round the photos even to people we didn't know. For the record, I checked with a number of people and online fashion, and there was nothing wrong with how the boots looked. She still brings it up whenever we have gatherings...:/

 

-One time she posted a stream of pictures of frumpy old ladies on my Facebook and tagged me in them. I was a little confused so I untagged myself, but at the next party she pulled out her computer and showed them to everyone saying "doesn't she look just like the old woman?", doing an extremely detailed description of how I looked wrinkly/saggy/bespectacled (only the glasses part is true)

 

Normally I'd brush this kind of stuff off, but since it's happened many times I feel really wary of her. I'm especially uncomfortable with how she always has to make every single person aware of my screw ups.

 

My good friends would point out my mistakes, maybe have a laugh but show me how to not mess up again. EM's is more of "hey everyone look at her she failed again! Isn't it funny how hard she tries and still fails?" I feel rather hurt that someone who's supposed to be a friend would behave like this.

 

Weirdly, it seems to be just me that gets this treatment. We have a mutual friend who is very trendy (by EM's weird standards) and EM worships the ground she walks on. Trendy!Friend is very nice to me though and she was also a bit uncomfortable at the party incident, as were some of the other people:/

 

I'm already pretty insecure about how I look, I don't want to get this kind of nonsense from people who are supposed to be my friend.

 

Anyway, I started getting more uncomfortable because: last year I won a couple of academic awards and uploaded the photos onto Facebook. She only commented with petty stuff like:

 

"eh why is it such an ugly color?"

"why is it (the certificate) so messily handwritten?"

"That plaque has such an ugly font"

 

I mean….do you really have to say that? That's the kind of thing you don't have to say unless you have some kind of ulterior motive…at least that's what I think. It's not that hard to do a generic "yay!" or just silently Like it. Or just ignore it.

 

~

 

So far I've been trying to avoid E, but I don't want to base everything around hiding from her. What should I do about this? I don't want to turn this into a huge confrontation or terminate the friendship, but I hate feeling stressed out every time she's around. I'm kind of scared to call her out on this in case I'm just being neurotic.

 

Sorry if this is rambly. What does this look like?

 

a) E is a mean girl who secretly hates me

b) E has no concept of when a joke is taken too far

c) I'm oversensitive

d) Other reasons..?

 

~

[will1988]

It sounds like EM is a female dog. When you have friends like that who needs enemies? I have friends that make jabs at me every once in a while, and I jab right back... I know it is joking/kind of true, but as do they. Your "friend" or rather, frienemy may be very insecure herself and is taking it out on you. Are you all younger, like high school or college age? That would honestly make sense. Maybe she is honestly insecure about her looks, or something elese in her life and needs to vent... but her way of doing it is making fun of you. Hell, she could even be jelous of you. Maybe because you are smarter than her? Or maybe because even though you do not wear a lot of make up, and are not the most fashionable, you could actually be better looking than her; which would cause her attacks on you. Just thoughts. I would either not have anything to do with her anymore, confront her about her remarks, or make jabs at her when she jabs at you. Either way, I would not recomend keeping with the status quo.

 

Good luck!

[Keenly]

The thing I have noticed about a lot of women and their cattiness is in order make themselves feel sexier, they will tear others down. This person is a douche.

[darkmoon]

look, they're out there, this is probably not the only cow you will have in your life - my two cents is drop the next one as soon as they start - this takes a certain attitude

 

**** off you gobby cow is all it takes to say goodbye

 

why don't you want to end the association with her?

[Treble Clef]

@will1998 We're both college age, but this kind of rubbish seems so high school. I hate cattiness >

 

@darkmoon: I always try to give people chances, and sometimes its to my detriment. I'm actually really good friends with her boyfriend (pretty sure that doesn't factor into this drama. God I hope not) and I don't want to make stuff awkward with the friends I have :/

[freestyle]

Anyone who treats you as if you're "less than" is NOT your friend.

 

She's stepping on you to boost her own low self-esteem.

And make herself the center of attention.

 

I would start distancing myself from her, and be careful about confiding anything in her that you don't want to have made public. If she gets mad at you--there's a good chance she'll spill anything you've confided in her.

 

Save your energy for someone who'll relate to you as an equal.

[NoMagicBullet]

@will1998 We're both college age, but this kind of rubbish seems so high school. I hate cattiness >

 

@darkmoon: I always try to give people chances, and sometimes its to my detriment. I'm actually really good friends with her boyfriend (pretty sure that doesn't factor into this drama. God I hope not) and I don't want to make stuff awkward with the friends I have :/

 

That's it! I'm not a gambler, and I'd bet good money that's the root of it. Although she may be naturally catty, I guarantee she feels insecure in her relationship with her boyfriend (many women do at one time or another), and she sees you as a threat.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if her boyfriend says positive things about you more often than she'd like, and her put-downs are a form of counter-attack. I also wouldn't be surprised if this was a situation where the boyfriend was inappropriately sharing emotional things or showing affection to you that she is extremely uncomfortable with -- i.e. boyfriend allows or contributes to the drama by not drawing appropriate boundaries.

 

Care to tell us more about the nature of your friendship with the boyfriend? There might be things in that history that she is justifiably upset about.

Edited January 14, 2013 by NoMagicBullet
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[darkmoon]

@will1998 We're both college age, but this kind of rubbish seems so high school. I hate cattiness >

 

@darkmoon: I always try to give people chances, and sometimes its to my detriment. I'm actually really good friends with her boyfriend (pretty sure that doesn't factor into this drama. God I hope not) and I don't want to make stuff awkward with the friends I have :/

 

one or two chances, any more beyond that and you are being complicit in being the stooge, or underling you could say, and complicit in your own behaviour pattern of taking crap basically, in your own demise

 

you could try quietly backing off from her (she upsets you!) i'd go so far as to block her on facebook just discreetly adding her to your blocked list, she doesn't deserve much more

 

i think your frienship with her boyf needs to go from her pov your palliness might upset her but she might feel silly saying so to him tbh, I'm capable of feeling diminished in the same sort social situation - but who wants to admit to that? leave him to be attentive to her

 

I can't see your problem going away by itself

 

I don't know your friend in person, but there are ppl who like to talk down to me, not all (I've grown used to noticing who and why)and I know that the alternative is too galling to put up with, so I let these bullies go, they chip away at you

Edited January 14, 2013 by darkmoon

[SpiralOut]

She's immature.

 

Call her out on her behaviour next time she puts you down. Ask her, "what did you just say that for?" or "what do you mean by that?"

 

She is so insecure she can't control herself, making an ass of herself in front of everyone like that. I would restrict her access to your facebook page, as someone else here suggested. It just gives her more things to hold against you.

Edited January 15, 2013 by SpiralOut

[xPiercethenikki]

.. I'm going through the same exact thing with a 'friend' of mine, or was rather.

 

She did the same thing Em does.. She ALWAYS tried to one-up me, tell me how much of a failure I am, point out all of my mistakes, and call me things that are just.. terrible. And I'm too nice of a person to stand up and tell her to stop, because it really, really, made me mad.

 

This past Summer, we ended up getting in a fight because I was just done with her, I couldn't take it anymore. She was not a good friend to begin with, even though I was always there for her, but she got worse and worse. She even turned my best friends of 5 years against me..

 

But since she has left my life, I've been a lot happier. I've felt better about myself, and I've kept close to me; the people that have always been there to support and love me.

 

My advice, is no. Darling, you defiantly are not over-sensitive. The problem in this situation is her. And although it sounds very cliche xD, she's probably jealous of you. No body should be treated like that, and you should tell her how you feel. I'm sure you're a fantastic person, and if you ever need anything I'm here, 100%. Because I know how this feels..

[Treble Clef]

@NoMagicBullet:

I'm 99.999% sure the boyfriend angle doesn't factor in, since most of our interactions are work and nerd-based. (And seeing as I'm attached anyway ) All 3 of us go to a music college, and her boyfriend and I are pretty ambitious and workaholic so we've produced a couple of projects together. I've never known if she felt left out since we've invited her to chip in many many times.

 

@darkmoon

You're right. There definitely has to be a point where I have to tell someone to back off. I wish I didn't worry so much about offending people, it'd be easier if I were the type to explode and be like "**** off". Ah well.

 

@xxPiercethenikki

I was reading your post too and I realised it's such a similar situation! Frenemies suck cos you're never sure when/how to ditch them. I keep telling myself best solution is to ditch her, but its so hard to do >_< I hope you're ok dealing with your frenemy.

 

Thank you everyone for replying! It really helped me feel better