Close friend got implants. Why do I HAVE to support it?

[Seymore]

I've been friends with this girl for over 10 years now. We've become pretty close over that time. A couple of years ago, her sister-in-law got breast enhancement surgery, as did one of her friends. My friend has been married to her jerk of a husband for all the time I've known her as well, and I've been the ear to bend whenever she's had a problem with him. She tossed the "d" word around a few years ago, then all of a sudden she was having his baby. Then it was MORE "d-word" talk, then she had a second child with him. Then last year she started kicking around the idea of getting bigger breasts. I told her she was fine as it was (hell, I NEVER would have changed her appearance - I really did think she looked perfect as she was...she was NOT flat-chested and I wasn't the only one who thought so), plus she had plenty of other guys after her and could have her pick - and she knew this and would say it herself. This is a girl who had always said to me to never care what others think and to appreciate what you've got instead of dwelling on what you don't have.

 

Anyway, two months ago she finally worked up the stones to tell her husband that she wanted a divorce. She claimed he'd changed since she did so, and about a month ago over dinner, told me she was calling off the divorce, but still complained that he never tells her he loves her, they sleep in separate rooms, he won't even LOOK at her, etc. Well, last week she told me she was getting the surgery on (this past) Monday. Now - I'm not against enhancement for a woman who has a boy's chest, or someone who's had cancer surgery or whatever - but I told her that I thought she was doing it for all the wrong reasons, not to mention she had just told me that last year her and her husband were broke! But she swore up and down it was just for her, to make her feel better about herself, but knowing her as long as I have, plus the way things have been for her the last few years, I really did not believe her, nor did I think this would be what makes her feel better about herself. But I told her that while I don't agree with it, that doesn't matter because it's her decision no matter what I think, and I said if she needs anything to call me.

 

Well, she got the surgery. Despite how I felt about it, I talked to her the night of to make sure it went well, and I e-gifted her some Redbox movies to watch during her down time. Today one of her girl friends told me she went to visit my friend and that she looks great and that she got them real big. I rolled my eyes, and the friend got upset at my reaction and criticized me for not being supportive because she's my friend. I told her that being her friend doesn't mean I have to agree with everything she does, and that I don't believe this is the solution she was looking for. And I KNOW my friend is going to be showing off and ask me what I think when I see her next, but I suppose I can't tell her what I think? Because truthfully speaking, I hate that she's done it. Yes, it's not my problem or decision, but as a friend I just want to shake her because I feel she's being so gullible in thinking this is going to improve anything. I honestly believe she needs to leave that husband of hers and quit this behavior, and that one day I'm going to blow up at her when she's still crying to me 3 years from now about how he still doesn't treat her well, and no matter what I tell her she STILL won't listen.

 

Why do I have to agree with everything? I thought friends are supposed to be honest, and not just say "Hey, if it makes you happy...", because THAT to me is not being a friend. That to me is just agreeing and going along without having the person's future well-being in mind.

Edited January 11, 2013 by Seymore

[2sure]

You don't, and it's ridiculous . Elective cosmetic surgery is a personal choice and she made it without you as it should be. Don't mock her now that it's done . But you're welcome to tell her you also thought she looked great before.

 

Also, they really swell up for a couple of weeks after surgery so they are huge right now.

[D-Lish]

You don't have to agree with what she does, but you can still be supportive without being judgemental.

 

As a friend, I steer clear of being judgemental, because nothing kills a friendship faster than casting judgement upon someone.

[Seymore]

I don't plan on mocking her, but what do I say when she asks how they look? Or if she corners me because I haven't commented at all? Because I basically plan on acting like nothing happened, or at most, responding that she looked fine as she was.

[2sure]

Just tell her hey, it's not what I thought you should do but m glad you're pleased .

[FitChick]

You could deflect the question with "What does your husband think?" and talk about that.

[Radu]

2sure gave the perfect answer to this, and FitChick's is also good.

 

As for the situation, you are not her friend, you are her emotional tampon.

 

Men and women generally deal with stress in different ways.

Men like to think alone, women prefer to talk to their support network [you in this case], to decrease their burden.

Your role there is to say 'yes, yes, you are totally doing the right thing'.

If this girl is looking for a friend, then it isn't you ... you are just supposed to sit there and take it.

 

I don't think she had any intention of truly leaving over the yrs untill now.

 

A woman who is with a jerk can either :

- leave him right away when she realises he is a jerk, but this requires that she has some self-respect

- stay with him and let him treat her like crap because the jerk has some attractive qualities that he shares with the 'alpha' guy [independence, the world revolves around him, etc ...]

In this latter case, she will still need a 'valve' to release pressure ... and that's what her friends are for [like you].