"Friend" with a "tough love" email

[Teknoe]

So, I borrowed some CDs from a female friend maybe one year ago. I loaned them to a guy friend. Recently, I decided to drop both of them out of my life. Just didn't see the need to keep going on, plus, the connection was no longer there. Spring cleaning, if you will. Well, in order to cut her off, I need to return all her things. So I emailed him and he turned the item back in, but it was missing 1 disc. That was so frustrating, since I don't want to return things to her twice. I want to do it in a 1 shot deal.

 

So I emailed him about the missing disc, and admittedly was a bit over aggressive in the # of times I contacted him. Alas, I have been taken advantage of in the past where people would borrow my things forever without ever returning them. So I decided to push the issue.

 

Anyway, got an email from him earlier tonight. He basically said he was concerned about our friendship. "You haven't talked to me in a while and now it's just about getting your stuff back." Um, hello? You haven't talked to me in the same equal length of time, "buddy." A friendship is a 2-way street and it's quite obvious he didn't care to sustain it, and neither did I after a while.

 

Anyway, he's gonna return the missing CD tomorrow but he sent me another one of his "tough love" emails. Reminds me why I stopped talking with that guy. At first I thought he was cool, but then just like anyone else, he's got a lot of flaws... and wasn't particularly healthy for me. After a while being around him I felt inferior*, and I don't need people like that in my life. *By inferior I mean the way he'd look at me or the way he'd say things to me. I shared a LOT with him, very intimate details and in the end felt somewhat betrayed when he turned his back on me. We used to meet up 2x a month just to talk over dinner, but eventually he said he wanted to find a new person to do that with... that we were in "different life stages." OK "buddy." See ya later then.

 

Just had to vent/share. Reminds me why I've cut out "fake friends" like him in my life. Just too much BS for me.

 

PS- FTR I did respond cordially and apologized to him. Kept it PC and nice. It's no dent on my ego to admit I was being overly aggressive contacting him. But I'm relieved this was probably be my last set of interaction with him. Good riddance.

Edited December 29, 2012 by Teknoe

[Els]

I know this isn't the point of your post, T, but in general it's a bad idea to lend items that have been borrowed from one friend, to another. They aren't yours, so it can always land you into the sticky situation of one of them messing it up/losing it and you being accountable to the other person for it. Only lend people stuff that belongs to you.

 

That being said, I can understand why you want to distance yourself from this guy, he sounds irresponsible and drama-queenish to boot. He wanted to find a new person to have dinner with because you were in 'different life stages'? What??? Can't he have dinner 2x/month with several people?

 

That ALSO being said, I'm concerned that you might be going a little overboard with the spring cleaning thing. It hurts to be cut out of someone's life when you thought they were a friend, and this is not something you can mend easily in the future. Once you do this to someone, they're usually gone for good. I can understand doing it for good reason, like after what that guy did to you, but all the others might not have done something to deserve it. 'Lack of connection' is not a good reason to completely and abruptly cut friends out of your life IMO. You can slow down on the contact (my experience has been that contact with friends ebbs and flows anyway), but don't be overzealous with the spring cleaning.

[Teknoe]

I know this isn't the point of your post, T, but in general it's a bad idea to lend items that have been borrowed from one friend, to another. They aren't yours, so it can always land you into the sticky situation of one of them messing it up/losing it and you being accountable to the other person for it. Only lend people stuff that belongs to you.

 

That being said, I can understand why you want to distance yourself from this guy, he sounds irresponsible and drama-queenish to boot. He wanted to find a new person to have dinner with because you were in 'different life stages'? What??? Can't he have dinner 2x/month with several people?

 

That ALSO being said, I'm concerned that you might be going a little overboard with the spring cleaning thing. It hurts to be cut out of someone's life when you thought they were a friend, and this is not something you can mend easily in the future. Once you do this to someone, they're usually gone for good. I can understand doing it for good reason, like after what that guy did to you, but all the others might not have done something to deserve it. 'Lack of connection' is not a good reason to completely and abruptly cut friends out of your life IMO. You can slow down on the contact (my experience has been that contact with friends ebbs and flows anyway), but don't be overzealous with the spring cleaning.

 

 

Hey Els,

Thanks for your thoughts. First off, I agree with loaning out things to another friend which you loaned from someone else. But, at the time I saw the guy so much and thought I could trust him. Once we "broke it off" the friendship died. BTW he was my "accountability partner"... a term for someone you meet up with to check up on each other see how they are doing in life and spiritually as well. I guess my spring cleaning can be viewed as extreme to an outsider. The thing is, with my other church acquaintances, I was caught in the middle. I was either in or out. It was hard to be 'casual' with them. Some acquaintances it's easy and you only see them once in a blue moon (which is my preference WHEN I don't feel a strong connection to them)... but this group was inviting me out every 2 weeks or so... and not just dinners but overnight trips. Or day-long "day-cations." (i.e. meeting up in AM hours, traveling somewhere, spending whole day there, get back late PM hours). They basically treated me like I was a "close friend" when I am not, or was trying to establish a distance. It's a group basically where, I just had to go to the extreme of avoiding for them to cut back at the very least, if not outright cut me out. Believe me, seeing them once in a blue moon wouldn't be bad... but at this point it had become obvious to me that they were insistent on inviting me to every single one of their hang-outs, and it's just too much. I don't know how to properly and politely phrase the words "Hey guys, I don't mind hanging out once in a while/blue moon, but the constant invites are just too much for me."

 

So instead, I've gone into assertive "Thanks but I'll pass" mode. The woman in the group that I think has a "crush" on me (who is 11 years older and single still) constantly "flirts" with me... in a very subtle innocent way. I'm not attracted to her at all and now it makes me feel very uncomfortable. She is the one constantly inviting me or checking up on me to see if I'll be there. I think because it's obvious she kind of likes me. I hate to completely check out on a group because of one person, but I feel like I have no choice. I rather end it now than prolong a slow agonizing death to the "relationship."

 

In fact, surprise surprise, she is the friend whose CDs I am returning tomorrow. LOL. It's all connected... I just want nothing of hers hanging over my head. I want to be free, and it'll be nice to "break it off" right before the new year starts. She let me borrow it like early 2012. FTR, she only let me borrow it. No one else in the group. She recently asked for them back, and the CDs are really the only connection we have left at this point.

 

I know this was cruel, but she recently mass texted people Merry Christmas. I was part of this mass text, but chose not to respond at all. Normally I respond out of courtesy no matter what, but she seriously not does make me feel comfortable (anymore). So, in sticking to my cutting her out, I chose to not respond and not feel (too) bad about it.

 

The return will be made by me dropping the CDs off at the church front desk. She can pick it up without seeing me. It's kind of cold, I know, but it's just something I have to do.

 

It kinda sucks that the group as a whole has to be cut out too, due to my feelings of uncomfort with her, but on the other hand, I also feel my time with them is up as well. They were great in 2011. Good in the early parts of 2012... now... things change. The more time goes on, the less a loss it becomes that I have to cut this group out completely.

 

Maybe in time, I can get back to casually seeing them. But right now, I need to establish my distance so that I'll get off their "priority invite" list.

 

BTW, I've decided to include my "friend's" email in addition to my response.

 

---

 

Been meaning to sit down and write you a proper email rather than responding to you on my phone.

 

I thought I would let you know my concerns regarding our friendship. I haven't heard from you in a long time and when I do hear from you, it's just about getting stuff back. Furthermore it seems like you've asking for updates on those missing items nearly every day and this is after I told you I was on vacation but was going to look for the items anyways. I'm not sure if you understand that by calling and e-mailing me frequently only caused me additional stress, even if you asked in a neutral or polite manner. I don't know the whole story about your interactions with your friend, whether or not if there was a big urgency or not, but it was causing me stress during my supposedly relaxing vacation.

 

In respect to someone else's property, I did apologize a few times for not having them in my possession to return to you when you needed them. That was my bad and I'm not trying to insinuate that we can treat the property of others lightly. I was prepared to replace them if need be.

 

My concern is that, as a brother in Christ, I really don't want to develop feelings of frustration, annoyance or any negative feelings toward another brother. I apologize if it seems like I'm coming down on you, but my goal is not to put you down or vent, it's just to help you reflect on areas that may need addressing in order to honor the God we serve. I hope this is clear and hope you don't view this email as an attack of any sort.

 

I did find the missing 5th disc and the other CD which I had accidently put in a different cd case. I just didn’t have any time to sit down and go through them. I will try to drop them off at your mail box either late tonight or Saturday afternoon.

 

thanks,

 

B

 

----

 

Hey B,

I apologize if I came across overbearing or pushy. I guess due to past experiences when I've loaned things out to friends and been very "casual" about asking for them back, they never find their way back to me, ever. I'm still trying to get a guy from church to return to me my Christmas DVD, and he hasn't yet for nearly 2 years now. My cousin asked me if she could borrow it, but he hasn't yet returned it. I've also had other experiences where people took advantage of my loaning out things. Sorry that you had to be on the receiving end of over aggressiveness. I could probably find a better middle ground.

 

My apologies for adding undue stress to your vacation. That wasn't my goal obviously, but indirectly I caused some unnecessary stress.

 

Thank you again for returning the remaining items.

-Tek

 

---

 

I chose to be PC and just apologize, even though I had some extra thoughts I wanted to get off my chest. Mainly:

 

1. A friendship is a 2-way street. You haven't contacted me in a long time, either, "buddy"

 

2. When he returned the 5-disc set last weekend, the 5th disc was missing. Who doesn't check to make sure? If he had checked to make sure, I never would have had to push him to return the remaining items. I understand I was probably too aggressive (even if I did it in a polite manner) in asking for them back, but I really want to give everything back to her before 2013. We had also agreed to do the exchange tomorrow (my female friend and I). I didn't want to drag this out into the new year. It'd be nice to start fresh and anew

 

3. Knowing the kind of person he is, I hate how he is basically attacking me but using the spiritual side of it as a front. "Oh I'm not attacking you it's to help you in areas that will help you to reflect and better serve our God." Such a crap spin... he was basically lashing out at me. I know this guy. He's done this before to me. Attacks me, but then adds in a "Oh, this isn't meant as an attack and should not be viewed as such. Just hope it makes you grow stronger in Christ."

 

That kind of behavior (trying to add a "Godly" spin to an attack) is so sickening to me these days. He basically patronizes me. He's got plenty of flaws, but I rarely ever "attack" him. For example he's been engaged to his fiancee for 4+ years now, and they still haven't set a wedding date because both of them are waiting for God to give them a confirmation date. Um, I don't think He would be dishonored in anyway if you went ahead and just planned the wedding and moved into the next phase of your life. Now he's 32-ish and she's 34-ish. Great, have a baby when you're older. Great strategy.

 

Sorry if I'm venting here, haha. Actually, it's been good to get this off my chest.

I just feel like I got some baggage hanging on to me that I can't wait to throw off. Already threw this drama queen guy off in time for 2013... tomorrow it will be the lady. Once she has her things back, there will be no more connection between me and her. I can decline her invites until she gets the message.

 

I will, FTR, be looking to make new connections in 2013. I do wish to have a social circle, but it was getting clear to me in 2012 that my current one was not one of longevity nor one that made me happy. I was going home from the hang-outs burnt out or asking myself "Why did I go?" I rather be content even if it is being alone to my own vices. I don't drink or do drugs... I'm happier on my own just surfing the net, working on my projects or playing a game.

Edited December 29, 2012 by Teknoe

[Teknoe]

All's well that ends well. He responded to my apology and thanked me for being understanding. He ended the email with "Will I be seeing you at church anytime soon?"

 

I just replied "Maybe I'll see you in January."

 

Another reminder why it's never wise to burn bridges. I'm sure our paths will cross somehow again at some point. You can let people out of your life respectably.