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Should I let this friendship go?


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Greetings,

 

A particular friendship has been troubling me, and I’m having thoughts about just letting the two of us drift apart.

 

The story: I first got to know my friend at my old workplace. We have both left that workplace since. He approached me first with the offer of friendship. I wasn’t particularly interested in building a friendship with him at first because he was very different from most of my friends. I told him I didn’t think our personalities were compatible (I’m not an emotionally-attached person, while he’s completely emotional. I’ve seen him get upset and cry several times in the past six months.)

 

Anyhow, our work brought us into frequent contact and after a while we got to know each other better and became close friends. Thing is, it’s always been a lop-sided friendship, with him holding on to me much more tightly than I’m comfortable with and clearly investing more emotion in the friendship. At one time he got extremely clingy (he was clingy all along) and I had to tell him outright to stop. Examples: He kept looking for me at work during office hours just to talk about his personal problems. He didn’t like me hanging out with other friends, many of whom I’d gotten to know before him. He would get upset when I didn’t meet up with him. He showed up at my house uninvited, and frequently called me to talk. The thing that really made me tell him to stop was him constantly referring to us as best friends (a feeling that wasn’t mutual) and using it as a reason for us to do everything together, like eating, working and travelling.

 

We had a few arguments about his clinginess, and he finally agreed that he would tone it down. I think he has. Now we’ve both left that workplace. I met him for a meal recently and felt that we had hardly anything in common anymore. Previously, our main conversation topic was our work and working environment. I didn’t talk to him about much when I met him because we have different backgrounds and interests (he comes from a rich family, I don’t) and he doesn’t share the same life goals and concerns that I have. Throughout the meal I couldn’t help but feel annoyed with him several times, and communication feels forced and difficult because we don’t share the same mindsets. I didn’t feel particularly happy during the encounter. Still, he clearly values the friendship more than I do and is almost always the one initiating contact.

 

1. Am I being a bad friend by cutting the amount of time I spend with him? I feel like we have nothing in common anymore after leaving that workplace and don’t see much room for growth in the friendship.

2. Should I work on getting closer with him again or let us drift apart? My intuition is to let us drift to casual friends without telling him specifically, and perhaps pick up the friendship again if circumstances bring us together.

 

Cheers and thanks for reading!

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coffeebean201

Hey Bel,

Sounds like he really likes you.

 

Rather than making a choice, maybe just be really choosy about the types of activities, e.g. only agree to outings with activities that you really enjoy.

 

And then he will appreciate the time you do spend with him.

 

Sounds like his social skills aren't as advanced as yours, and if he cares about you, that has value.

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