A Friendshipless life -- Healthy?

[TazmaGurl]

Hey there everyone,

 

Have an odd situation for ya. 'course... most of the stuff written on here is odd situations. heh ^_^ I am a 22 year old woman, married at 20, living with my husband since 17 years old. It has been.. ohhh I would say... since 16 when I graduated high school and moved out of my parents house.. since I have had any real friends (Other then my husband, who is my best friend ever).

 

You see, I am sort of a depressive. and the icing on the cake is that I can't trust people.

 

When I was 16 in my last year of highschool, I had tons of friends. The sort who really "needed" me to be around, to talk to. I hardly remember a time where my friends would go out without asking me where we were going that night, or inviting me to come along to some new party. During that year, though... my depressive side took over and in a weakened state I attempted to take my own life.

 

Whoosh! All my friends disappeared. I was no longer needed, I was kept at a distance. Not mocked, though. Maybe pityed? I guess they all saw me as a threat, a burden. Well, going from the life of the party down to me alone turned me fairly bitter and afraid. I cast out the world and its "fake" friendships and vowed never to love another person as much as I loved my friends. Never to trust that any one person will ever give without expecting something in return. I pretty much cut the ties for any friendships that would involve putting my heart on the line for it to be slaughtered before my eyes once more.

 

In the years that have passed, friendless. Me and my husband (who seems to love me dearly and not mind that we are just me and him, alone in our life) have just been working our hardest to saving up the money to put on our condo (which we just bought last month! yay for us!). Our entertainment comes from networked computer games and MMORPGs, and our little dog, Kiko.

 

Now the problem is, I have been to see a therapist lately in concerns to my rapidly increasing bipolar disorder. And she seemed to only tell me that my seculsion is to fault for all my problems. At first, I dismissed the thought. Telling myself she was thinking on a stereotypical level when I am everything but your stereotypical 22 year old. Then, I told myself to be a little more open with my therapy... and started to consider why I was doing this to myself and my husband (cutting out friendships, not trusting anyone) and started to wonder if, for me, this is really the only way to be.. or if the pain from years past was clouding my heart.

 

I can't really see myself making friends again, I am already a big enough burden on my husband, no one deserves to take that on in a friend as well. And who would want to? Though on another note, me and my husband have been fairly happy for the past 5 years. So maybe this lifestyle really is what has kept me stable for all these years.

 

How important are friends to ones life? to your life?

How would lack of friends effect your life?

 

Any suggestions -- Even your take on my situation... an outsiders words always adds another possibility, and helps me think.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Tazmagurl

[dyermaker]

I think that friendship is important.

 

First, most people don't have a lot of friends. They have a lot of acquaintances that they call friends to make it seem more significant, but they have few friends.

 

The trouble with friendship is that you're vulnerable. The reward of it is that, ideally, you have an honest, deep connection with another person; I've loved, helped, and learned from friends. I've also had tremendous pain come from friendships that end or don't work properly. I've been on both ends, and even though there's still pain from them, I wouldn't go back in time and change or undo it. It hurt, but I learned from it.

 

I'd say of all my friends, none are quite like the girl that I Love. I do, however, feel that you severly limit yourself when your romantic interest is your only friend. It leads to dependency, and even though it may work right now in your relationship, it's not intrinsicly good.

 

Trust your counselor, it's what you pay him/her for.

[Tony T]

First, I concur with Dyermakers thoughts that you should continue to receive therapy for your current or other highly competent counsellor.

 

The greater number of "friendships" are situational. They last for as long as the situation lasts in which you find and hold them. Work, school, church, etc . are examples. Most of the friends you make in these environments are there for the time you are engaged in a common activity and that is what binds you. These same people have closer, emotionally bonded friendships, outside of those environments. Many of them don't have many friends, some none at all...not of the quality kind.

 

Many people are self centered and look upon friendships as people to use for their own ends. When their use for them is over, the "friendship is over." Many are there only for the good times. There are not a lot of real friends. Your best friend will always be yourself.

 

You may have a chemical imbalance that needs treatment but your take on friendships needs no work. Perhaps you need to reframe your thinking to cultivate meaningful acquaintanceships that you fully understand are there for a purpose and for a time. Enjoy them as you would a nice mean that you know ahead of time will disappear from your plate. It's OK. It's reality.

 

The people you knew in school that you called your friends were only situational friends or buddies....most of them. It seemed you had lots of friends. They were around and you had lots of fun. But when you really needed them, they disappeared. You can never lose a friend, you can only find out who they are...and sometimes finding out is a shocking thing.

 

Deal with your medical problems in a positive way and set out to make friends, real ones. Don't be disappointed. But, remember, you must be a real friend to others before you can find real friends. They are a real treasure and they are few and far between.

 

If you think finding friends is hard, read all the posts here from people having problems finding a mate they can trust. It's not easy in the world of the 21st Century.

 

I don't think a friendless life is healthy, but you're a lot better off alone than with a bunch of fakes. Finding the real ones is a challenge you will face all of your life.

 

Good luck!

[blue16]

I agree a lot with what you say. Almost all my "friends" are situational friends, as Tony calls them. We hang out outside of school time....but if we didn't go to the same school and see each other everyday, we probably wouldn't be friends. I only have like 1 friend who even if we didnt go to the same school, we would still be buddies. I think it is important to have atleast 1 friend whom you can talk to, outside of ur husband. It is a nice change of pace to talk to a friend about stuff incase you don't want to converse about it with him This can be as trivial as discussing the latest fashions in a magazine, or talking about your daily problems with another girl. From my experience, I think it is necessary to have atleast 1 female and male companion whom you can talk to and hang out. You alrdy have a great male companion (your husband)....but if you had 1 good female friend I think you would be a lot happier.

[average guy]

Tony mentioned that you should continue to receive therapy for your current or other highly competent counsellor" and I strongly agree, however I think I might empasize the "other" bit and you might need a new different therapist. I went through 5-6 before I found one who literally knew what I was going to say before I said it. She is a genious who can follow my convulted spagetti threads of emotion and reason and hit the nail on the head when I am done. So I would recommend at least trying someone else for a seesion or two. It doesn't mean you have to termiate your current therapist, but when you do decide on one, only go see that one. Seeing two therapist at a time is not "twice as good"

 

I also agree that you could be a strong canidate for anti-depression medication, and I would go see your doctor for advice about this, and then confirm it with your therapist.

 

Best of luck...and you are still very young...I am sure you will devlop more friendships as you grow older, the transition from high school to "real life" is a turbulent one for anyone

 

Cheers

 

A.G.

[virginia70065]

I was thinking the same thing. I'm also pretty friendless. I get along with a lot of people at work, and I go to school in the evening, where I have my classmates that I interact with...but as in "friend", as in, calling her to chit chat, telling her all of my problems, etc...no. I am a single mom, my life is wrapped up with my daughters, my job, my school, and I honestly don't feel the need to pick up the phone and talk talk talk about nothing. I do feel left out sometimes, and I feel sad that I honestly cannot think of one person that I could call a friend (that's not a family member) and therapy? Hah, what a joke. I've been to at least 3 and they only made me feel worse. One winner told me, "The first thing we have to figure out is why you keep attracting losers" (2 ex-husbands). Great! My ego felt FABOO after that.

 

No, I think it's from my upbringing. My dad didn't like having people over, he was and still is a very private person and is not into socializing AT ALL. So I grew up with the notion that friends are busy bodies and nosy and you really don't need friends.

 

I don't want my daughters to grow up with that attitude, though. I encourage them to make friends, to be friendly and outgoing and not be socially inept like Mom.

 

But now I have a predicament: I saw 2 old friends from the past, waaayy back from the 80's that I hadn't seen in years. They were happy to see me and want to have dinner with me next Friday. I'm petrified! I don't have anything to say to them anymore! I missed them and always wondered what they were up to, it's just that I'm just a boring mom working her #$$# off and going to school, trying to make it in life. They're still single, living the vida loca, going out, having fun....God, what could they possibly want to talk to me about?

[yes]

I've also wondered about my friendlessness. Just like others, I do have 'situational friends' - but less than many. Perhaps cuz I've gotten used to and am totally fine with being alone for long periods of time. And when I crave communication, I know I can find it - I'm very friendly (unless something made me shy or sad).

 

Listen to Tony when he says that TRUE friends are rare, just like good mates. Some people never have any, most find only several throughout their lifetimes (from what I've seen and heard from people).

 

So I guess what you need to think about is - what do you lack? Given that finding true friends is a life-long journey, perhaps having more acquiantances is what your short-term goal should be? Take a class, maybe - that's an easy way to meet ppl.

 

Oh and regarding trusting people - it's a gradual process, right? You don't trust strangers... you communicate, open up slowly, perhaps close up if it doesn't go well, etc. And ... keep this definition of friendship in mind: "a friend of somebody who knows everything abt you and still likes you"

 

good luck,

-yes

[CurlyIam]

Maybe I'm just too tired, it's 2/54 AM here, but I can't believe what you've said.

 

I agree that good friends are rare, but man, it's lonely having no friends. And not sane. Not sane at all.

 

I also agree you risk loosing precious time with unimaginative, shallow people. But, still.. it's people, you know? Everyone has something beautiful to show, although I agree you don't feel like discovering that when married with toddlers.

 

But you're 22. You spent... 4 years without your friends? You must have a wonderful wonderful, incredible relationship with your husband. And this period between 16 to 22 years is crucial, you can still learn, build your own personality, meet people and get so much richer out of the process; learn more about yourself by other people.

 

You probably don't want to hear this... In the end, you choose how to live your life, but it's not sane or safe to build it around one person.

[virginia70065]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

 

I agree that good friends are rare, but man, it's lonely having no friends. And not sane. Not sane at all.

 

 

True, Curly, true. Do you think someone wants to be friendless? It hurts. The question is, what is blocking us off from other people? I'm friendly--I'm nice--I have a sense of humor--so what is wrong with me? Do people think I'm not worthy enough to be their friend?

 

Usually the people who don't understand are the ones with tons of friends.

 

It hurts just to even talk about it...but I swallow the tears and keep going. I've grown accustomed to walking around alone at school, eating alone at lunch, shopping alone, the only company being my two daughters and other family members (I'm very close to my younger brother--oddly enough, our relationship seems like we are best friends rather than siblings). Like that song says "What about me?" Does anyone think standing on the outside looking in feels great? Well, it doesn't.

[yes]

friendship is a two-way thing. everybody can get along with _somebody_. so having no friends at all may mean that you yourself are closed or seem closed ... you know what i mean?

 

my 2c,

-yes

[TazmaGurl]

Thanks for all the opinions,

 

I am a very closed off person, but at the same time, not really... once I find someone I think is fairly nice I'm an open book often saying too much in very "smooth and careless" manners (Bipolar has another side other the depression, called Mania, its best described as a surge of energy making you uncontrollably happy/laughy or hyper. Its embaressing, as you often say things you later think back on and regret.). I keep people at a distance consiously. And alot of the times I say a bit too much and sometimes even mention that I am not the type of person that people tend to take a liking to. (Yeah... smart thing to say eh?)

 

Trust is something I have no knowledge of. I stopped trusting family because of my father, friends because of the abandonment when I needed them most, and men because of issues with self esteem, porn and everything I read and see of the world and relationships (to this day, I haven't seen a relationship that I could honestly say I think would last till the end. Not a one I would say that love conquers all...) Perhaps I am sexist ... and hate/dispise men for the things I see on TV, the things I read online and in the newspapers and the constant struggles I have with understanding why they think certain ways and why their minds seem so reluctant to really "feel" anything.

 

My main problem is that I can't peice together my own thoughts and see what the real problem is. If I knew for a fact that my hatred was my problem, I could work on fixing it. If I knew it was my lack of friends, or my husband, or my family, or whatever in my past... I could fix it. But my head is a cloud of questions and I can't get an answer out of myself. I guess thats why these opinions help so much. Answers themselves aren't as valuable as the series of questions that come along with multiple opinions.

 

At this point, I'm not sure I want to have any friends, or aquaintances, or anyone really. I feel as though I want to stay how I am, I sometimes feel like I am living a better life because of it. Sometimes, though, I realize that this quest we call life is too overwhelming to handle on my own.

 

I realize that a friendless life is lonely, and I have realized for a long time that I don't really consider myself "sane". But sometimes, I just delve into my thoughts and depression and pain instead of pushing them away. Its really all I have left of myself to love. Its... unique.

 

I can never be beautiful in societys eyes... I can never be a positive happy friendfull person. But I can be me. I guess I sound kinda nuts, can you sorta see now why no one would really want to deal with me? I wonder alot why my husband does. He never really lets me say these things. The concern on his face always stops me short.

 

Oh and yes, I beleive anti-depressants are the way to go... I just have to get off my arse long enough to bring it over to a doctor and get the prescription. My last doctor took me off them after 9 months, well he didn't really take me off them... but he said he would soon, so I stopped going to see him and tried to make the pills last longer by taking them every 2 days instead of every day.

 

Stupid idea. To say the least.

Now I want to go get another prescription, but I hate going to see doctors. And once I am done my work day, I usually don't want to do anything, other then clean my house... that relaxes me when my house is clean and I can relax while my husband plays his computer games.

 

Maybe a penpal would fill the void of friendlessness. I do chat a bit on ICQ, I tend to get bored though. Mostly people I knew a while ago, our lives changed so much that we have nothing in common not even our thoughts. My brother and I chat now and then... we don't get along much. I can't really talk to him about anything I am feeling etheir, he doesn't beleive in depression. So I basically have to pretend I'm a different person around him. I have a sister I preffer not to even know.

 

And the others that have been in my life left in that incident, except one old friend who has been a great person, but she isn't too bright, and I can't hold a conversation with her and feel like she actually understands. (We haven't talked in over a year.)

 

Course, maybe its not her who doesn't understnad but rather me just being not-understandable... thats not completely out of the question, since I can't even pinpoint my own problems in order to find solutions.

 

This has dragged on, see... I'm an open book... talk too much and all my thoughts are cycles of unanswered questions.

 

Hope I'm not going too far off topic.

 

Tazmagurl

[virginia70065]

Originally posted by TazmaGurl

 

I realize that a friendless life is lonely, and I have realized for a long time that I don't really consider myself "sane". But sometimes, I just delve into my thoughts and depression and pain instead of pushing them away. Its really all I have left of myself to love. Its... unique.

 

 

I know exactly how you feel. I feel like I close myself off to people, because they'll never know the real me anyway, so why bother? The couple of times I have opened up and become great friends with someone, they have really have turned on me (I mean REALLY) and I come out battered and bruised from the situation. I swear, I'm not feeling sorry for myself--it's just that I was very, very naive then and now I'm not.

 

Maybe some of us were just meant not to have friends. Is it so bad? That's the question I ask myself, really.