Difficult friendship

[queenofswords]

I have a friend who is also my dance teacher. I started going to her adult ballet classes about a year ago, after a break from dancing, and she was very friendly, too friendly actually, giving me gifts, texting me when I started a new job etc (she does not behave like this towards anyone from the class). It was nice but I would say a bit too intense, anyway, I decided that she is not a bad person and decided to give her a chance. In the end she introduced me to all her adult dance classes - I do not regret it as she is an excellent teacher, one of the best teachers I've ever had.

Anyway, the gifts and texts and phones calls for me meant an introduction to friendship. So at some point I think friends start socializing outside of dance classes - whenever I asked her to go for a coffee she always rejected an offer. Whenever I suggested to see a show etc - she's always busy working. I felt rejected at the beginning, but recently I realised that she has problems with forming any relationships or friendships with people and dance classes she teaches are her way of socialising.

I can only add that she is very needy and needs my attention during the class a lot (smiling etc), if I don't do it she takes it very personally. Additionally, if I decide not to talk to her as I don't know what to expect, she also takes it personally. In general I put lots of energy during these classes to make her feel comfortable as she is actually quite shy and also extremely sensitive - she needs someone to be there for her especially if there are some not very nice people. So I have been doing it as I was expecting this to be a friendship, I also tried to push her to be more self confident a more self sufficient and I must admit she is better with people now which gives me some breathing space.

So of course the problems started when I didn't expected it. First she suddenly cut me off - all of a sudden stopped texting, when I texted her, responses were a bit annoyed. I withdrew then a bit but then decided to find out what was going on, maybe she had some problems in her life? It didn't work as she shouted me saying that 'we are 2 separate people and we can do whatever we want'. As I apologised for being a bit withdrawn first, she said something very cruel, that if she cared about all people who come to her classes, she would go mad. I continued coming to her classes, as they are very good, but felt rejected and decided not to stay after the classes to talk to her or not to go on the same bus after the class (which was easy as I simply had to stay a bit longer in the changing room). 2 months after the incident, even if I was changing longer, the bus was late and I was on the same bus with her and it started again. I was a bit careful but then the class after hours was cancelled for summer holidays so she had to close the studio and I started going on the bus with her. It was fine for some time, we went back to familiarity, having a good laugh together and trying to get to know each other better. At least I tried

It lasted for some time, until last few weeks when she again started snapping at me, sometimes being nice, then ignoring me and talking to other people. Last week she snapped at me about something really small a few times and then turned around and was very nice to everyone else. For last few weeks I have been a bit scared to go to the class as I don't know what mood she's going to be in.

I finally confronted her about her behaviour and the answer was that I'm making a big deal out something very small (she mentioned one thing only) and walked off saying she didn't have time. Then she texted me saying that it was not nice to see me distressed but that it was only in my head and I made a big thing out of nothing. When I replied that it'd been for a while and last time it was something small indeed and not as bad as her previous attacks, I still thought she could communicate normally if she did not feel like talking, she could have told me what bothered her instead of snapping at me over something irrelevant. And that for a month I'd been quite scared to come to her classes as I did not know what to expect. Then her reply was that she believed I didn't understand professional boundaries - I don't even understand this reply!!!!

Of course I decided to stop going to her classes, I knew that confronting her would end up in her unwilling to listen to me, but I wanted her to know why I would not come for a while. Today I texted her I wasn't coming and didn't receive a response. Which annoyed me but I can't do too much.

I'm trying to find other classes, today I tried ballet and it was terrible in comparison! So I know I will have to be back at some point. The other class with the teacher who gives positive feedback is good at least, but I think I need to do a proper research for the future, when she becomes very difficult I will have to start going somewhere else for some time.

Anyway, I bought her a present for Christmas and not sure if I should give it to her. At the moment I am risking being rejected which I don't want to but on the other hand it's Christmas. So not sure what to do. I would leave it at the reception at the dance school as I don't really want to see her.

And to be honest I am not sure how I'm going to come back to her classes - I may expect some anger again.

Well that's it, a very long story, maybe objective point of view?

[freestyle]

Your description of her behavior sets off red flags for me....

 

It sounds like there's been a lot of push-pull, "I-hate-you/don't-leave-me" type of behavior from her.

 

Kind of like a personality grab-bag......

 

There's no reason for her to be rude & dismissive towards you when it suits her.

 

I had a friend behave the same way with me---even doing the complete invalidation of whatever I was feeling (but still expecting me to listen to HER drama..). I eventually found out she'd been smearing me behind my back, even while I was still doing her favors, and under the impression that we were still friends. Like your friend---she wasn't straightforward with me , about being angry with me---so she acted out passive-aggressively.

 

In your position, I would cut my losses, and save my energy for a healthier friendship---(where you don't always have to wonder where you stand).

 

And with her personality type--the slow fadeout might be better, and safer.

She doesn't sound very stable. Don't dump a laundry list of all her faults on her, it will only prolong the drama, and fuel the fire. Just start being less & less available, and slip away. I would not go to any more of her classes, if I were you---it should be an enjoyable experience for you, and instead you're getting needless drama.

[queenofswords]

 

It sounds like there's been a lot of push-pull, "I-hate-you/don't-leave-me" type of behavior from her.

 

That sums it up very well - that's exactly how she behaves.

 

There's no reason for her to be rude & dismissive towards you when it suits her.

 

Thanks for saying this as I am only trying to be nice. I have never done anything to upset her.

 

I had a friend behave the same way with me---even doing the complete invalidation of whatever I was feeling (but still expecting me to listen to HER drama..).

 

She does invalidation of what I'm feeling too, but expects me to understand her even very strange reactions.

 

Like your friend---she wasn't straightforward with me , about being angry with me---so she acted out passive-aggressively.

 

Yes, she is passive-agressive, but sometimes I think she is angry not even with me but taking it out on me.

 

In your position, I would cut my losses, and save my energy for a healthier friendship---(where you don't always have to wonder where you stand).

 

Trying to do it now as I'm extremely tired and must admit she took too much of my time and energy.

 

 

And with her personality type--the slow fadeout might be better, and safer.

 

Slow fade out would mean I would have to go to her classes and start dropping off from one at the time. Although I stopped going to her 3 classes as they are during the day - I can go during lunchtime but told her I was very busy at work. So let's say I started slow fadeout 3 months ago but it didn't help. I need to stop going to her classes now and if I do it I don't think she will contact me.

 

 

She doesn't sound very stable.

 

 

Thanks for this - she isn't! The funny thing is she keeps saying how calm, stable and serene she is . I don't comment on this as there's no point.

 

Also, I realised after talking to a few people at the class that they are actually scared of her too - the never say it but ask me questions about her which they could ask her directly. I don't think she's ever had a go at someone there but they may see how she behaves towards me or just feel it. I was scared of her at the beginning not during the class, but scared to go and have a chat so I simply didn't do it but then she was sooooo friendly that I ignored my gut feeling.

 

Don't dump a laundry list of all her faults on her, it will only prolong the drama, and fuel the fire. Just start being less & less available, and slip away. I would not go to any more of her classes, if I were you---it should be an enjoyable experience for you, and instead you're getting needless drama.

 

No, I'm not going to talk about her behaviour towards me any more. Last try was enough for me to understand that she is unable take anything and dismisses my feelings.

Exactly, I should enjoy the classes and I go there stressed and can't dance properly for first half of the class until I get into it and forget about her there. Her classes are very good though and I will miss them. I will see how I feel in a few months, but she may react badly if she sees me at her class again.

 

Thanks for all you said, it helps.