My "best friend" copies literally everything I do?

[elisee8d]

Now, I'm aware of how petty and childish this sounds, but it's become something I just can't take anymore.

A little background: We're both 20 years old, and have gotten a lot closer the past 2 years. This normally wouldn't bother me that someone was copying what I liked and did, because I do believe that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. However, it doesn't make me feel very flattered. I dont feel any sense of gratification or self-worth when I see that a friend starts doing her hair like me, or wearing the same clothes. It makes me feel unoriginal and like I'M the one that has to make the extra effort to be different, when really its the copier that is having the identity crisis. It's at the point where this girl will just put me down about absolutely everything. She believes that she's better than me in every way, shape and form and she isn't a supportive friend at all. She flaunts her money in front of my face, and when I say that I like something, she will go out and get a more expensive, "better" version of it, or get multiple things like it so that even if I have one, she has more. Or, if I say that I like and am going to get something, she'll go out and get it first and then show it to me and describe or explain it to me like I wouldn't understand or know what it is, when I'm the one who told her about it. She acts like she has no idea! She'll criticize me for being into something, and then over the span of a week, adopt it as her own favorite and her new "thing." She never compliments me anymore, or anything that I own. She copies the way that I talk, the things that I say, the shows that I watch, my hobbies, the clothes I wear, the brands I like, everything. She'll tell me Im ridiculous for wanting to spend so much money on a particular thing, and then she'll tell me how she plans on getting it, or does go get it without mentioning it, and I just see her with it.. acting like she never judged me for wanting such a thing.

Now, I'm aware that it's possible for her to just enjoy the same things as me, but when it's right after I take an interest in something, and she's putting me down about these things and then taking interest in it all herself? It's blatantly obvious that she's a copycat, and a manipulative one at that. It's exhausting constantly feeling like I need to be ready to defend myself at any given moment. I'm not a confrontational person, and I'm not a cruel one either, but she will throw these digs at me to put me down and I just sit there shocked that she'd do these things to me without being provoked, and I don't WANT to retaliate, or be mean back, because that's just not me. It's like I'm constantly in competition with her, and I hate this feeling. She tries to make me feel like I am incapable of getting a certain job, or figuring something out, or like I couldn't possibly know or be better than her or even just as good as her at anything.

I'm not the only person seeing this, my family has picked up on it and said things to me about it, and also my ex boyfriend when we were together. We noticed that when she hangs out (or hung out, because I'm the only person she hangs out with anymore) with other people, she dresses and acts like them. A friend of hers used to wear trucker hats and converse, which isn't my (and now not her) style at all, so when she would come to hang out with me and my ex, she'd be wearing that when she was coming from being with her other friend, and we would just be really confused because that's not how she acts or dresses around me or him at all. Then the more I hung out with her, the more I began to realize what she was. She was also always jealous of my ex and I's relationship - she started dating someone she had no interest in, just so she could be in a relationship and have someone like I did, however their relationship was never anything close to what my ex and I had and I think she resents me a little bit for what she went through with him, though none of it was my fault and I always told her to leave him. She's also a much bigger girl than I am, not that I think there's anything wrong with that, but she just doesn't get as much attention, and when I do get attention from a guy? You better believe she's putting him down too.

I don't think I even like her as a person anymore, I kind of just hang out with her because I no longer have my ex who I spent most of my time with, and the rest of my friends are away at college, and it's just kind of me and her stuck here. It's useless trying to talk to her about it, because she won't be understanding or receptive at all. I just don't know what to do or how to handle this anymore. I can not take it.

Edited December 4, 2012 by elisee8d

[MikeyBe]

Sounds like a stressful friendship.

 

Work on hanging out with her less which is much easier then it may seem atm. Sounds like it'll be better for both of you.

[SpiralOut]

Start spending less time with her. I think with someone like her, it is best to fade her out.

 

If you aren't doing so already, you should keep certain things from her. Don't tell her everything you are up to. It just gives her something else to copy. She's clearly got issues that are causing her to build herself up by putting you down.

[freestyle]

OP---have you ever watched, "Single White Female"?

 

 

If not, I highly recommend it.

 

It might not be a bad idea to read up on Borderline Personality Disorder, too.

Mirroring is a common trait.........

[elisee8d]

I have no idea how to quote two people in one post, so I'm just going to sum it all up -

It absolutely is, this girl drives me crazy! I would really love start distancing myself, and I know 100% that you guys are right, it would be better and probably not too difficult to let her slowly fade out of my life - it's just that she is my best friend (well, she hasn't exactly acted as such lately...) and we hang out literally almost every single day for at the least an hour or two.

 

It's embarrassing to admit, but she's really the only person I hang out with anymore, aside from other friends who I see maybe once or twice a week. It used to be me, her, and all of our other friends, but since they went away to school, it's just me and her. When I was still with my ex boyfriend, I was more than content spending almost all of my time with him, so I didn't see her as much. I also didn't care to keep up with old friends from high school since I was always with him, and all of them pretty much went on to do separate things or left this city anyway. Since I lost him, I don't really have much to do or anyone to do it with besides her. He was my outlet for venting, and saw what she was doing. The fact that I had someone to vent to about it and to agree and try to help me every time she'd do something probably helped with not letting it get to me too much.

 

Anyways! Though I know you guys are right, I have a feeling it'll be kind of difficult to do. She's a toxic person in my life, but she's also one of the few I have left in my life at the moment. If I were still in high school, it would be much easier to cut her off or be busy when she wants to hang out, but she knows I'm home most of the time and would know something was up and probably start harrassing me or being cold towards me and then when I do see her, even if it were less, she'd just be more terrible to me.

Sorry this is so long, and thank you for the responses

[elisee8d]

OP---have you ever watched, "Single White Female"?

 

 

If not, I highly recommend it.

 

It might not be a bad idea to read up on Borderline Personality Disorder, too.

Mirroring is a common trait.........

 

Hmmm no I haven't! I just looked up what it was about, and that sounds eerily relevant. I might have to check that out if I can find it on Netflix or something, thanks for the recommendation

 

And I know a bit about BPD, checked that out too... the traits seem to scream her name, but none of the "causes" for it seem to match up with anything going on with her. She has a good life at home, aside from some bad relationships with guys the past few years, she hasn't really been through much at all, not even deaths in the family. She does love to hold onto her pain and heartbreak from those guys - who she's still "in love" with changes every couple of months. I can tell you that she's a very insecure person, hates her body, hates her face, very opinionated, yet changes her opinion constantly to fit those of whoever she's around. Always thinks she knows best.

 

She even goes as far as to put me down to my own friends that I bring her around. For instance, one of my close guy friends was saying something I should do to my hair and how nice it would look on me, and she chimed in, laughing, saying how bad I would look because I had that done to my hair when I was in middle school and it apparently to her it looked terrible. Needless to say, he just looked at her and didn't say anything and then went back to speaking to me. Most of my friends dislike her for this reason, and if they call me to hang out and I'm with her, they won't bother trying to see me that day because they don't want to be around her.

 

It's just so difficult when I try to vent about this to people, because I feel like I come off as conceited like "oh, everyone wants to be me! I'm so great!" When it's really just a matter of wanting to be ME without being criticized and judged and then basically slapped in the face by her.

 

Jeez, sorry again that my response is so long, it's just so hard to explain without having witnessed her do it in action.

[darkmoon]

Hmmm no I haven't! I just looked up what it was about, and that sounds eerily relevant. I might have to check that out if I can find it on Netflix or something, thanks for the recommendation

 

And I know a bit about BPD, checked that out too... the traits seem to scream her name, but none of the "causes" for it seem to match up with anything going on with her. She has a good life at home, aside from some bad relationships with guys the past few years, she hasn't really been through much at all, not even deaths in the family. She does love to hold onto her pain and heartbreak from those guys - who she's still "in love" with changes every couple of months. I can tell you that she's a very insecure person, hates her body, hates her face, very opinionated, yet changes her opinion constantly to fit those of whoever she's around. Always thinks she knows best.

 

She even goes as far as to put me down to my own friends that I bring her around. For instance, one of my close guy friends was saying something I should do to my hair and how nice it would look on me, and she chimed in, laughing, saying how bad I would look because I had that done to my hair when I was in middle school and it apparently to her it looked terrible. Needless to say, he just looked at her and didn't say anything and then went back to speaking to me. Most of my friends dislike her for this reason, and if they call me to hang out and I'm with her, they won't bother trying to see me that day because they don't want to be around her.

 

It's just so difficult when I try to vent about this to people, because I feel like I come off as conceited like "oh, everyone wants to be me! I'm so great!" When it's really just a matter of wanting to be ME without being criticized and judged and then basically slapped in the face by her.

 

Jeez, sorry again that my response is so long, it's just so hard to explain without having witnessed her do it in action.

 

tell her plain, either she stops this parodying of you or the friendship's over, i'd feel wierded out if somebody was acting like my shadow - are you too afraid of her, too entrenched in expecting a hard time from her? just say no to her

 

what's stopping you from sorting this mess out with her and you winning?

Edited December 5, 2012 by darkmoon

[KathyM]

I know exactly what you mean because I have a "friend" very much like that. I've known her since early childhood, so it's difficult to drop her at this point. She copies the clothes I wear. She's highly competitive. She tries to outdo or one up everything I do. And on things she feels she can't compete with me, she finds some way to put it down or criticize. I've had to distance myself, and I would suggest you do the same. The competitiveness comes from some deep-seated insecurity. I would describe it as more towards Narcissistic Personality Disorder, rather than Borderline Personality Disorder. Those types require excessive admiration from others, they are highly competitive, and are very jealous of others and think others are jealous of them. I'm guessing your friend has symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.