Can't get over a broken friendship

[Chico333]

Sorry this is so long.

 

So almost 2 years ago I had a break up with a friend I had known for a few years but had gotten really close with over that past year and a half. I'm going to call her Mary. The thing is that she was very close with my then best friend who is still a very good friend. We are all in our mid to late 20's.

 

We all began hanging out more and my then best friend moved away for dental school. I then became very close with Mary.

 

I had a group of friends that I hung out with a lot and Mary also began hanging out with our group of friends.

 

I then introduced another good friend of mine to who I will call Julie to Mary. So julie, mary and I started hanging out together a lot. Well something happened one weekend which had to do mostly with my wrongdoing but also Mary's. It was a night where we were all very intoxicated and it turned into a bad situation.

 

Well... after this, Mary became very upset with me. Her and I wrote each other through email and she was not willing to be understanding towards my side of the story. I heard her out and wanted to reconcile. She did not and said she no longer wanted to be friends. Simple as that.

 

Well now ever since I introduced Julie to Mary they became very close and pretty much shunned me out of the friendship circle. They all hang out with the group of friends I was talking about and I no longer hear from them.

 

I ended up talking it over with Julie and she was also not happy about what happened but never verbally ended the friendship. She just no longer keeps in contact with me except for facebook. Julie and I tried to hang out a couple times after but it did not seem like she really cared about continuing the friendship.

 

I am facebook friends with Julie and my old bestfriend who are all friends with Mary. They all hang out and what not and I always see it. It makes me very sad because I grew up being close with Julie and as soon as she met Mary and my friendship broke with her it seems Julie just likes Mary more than I and soo...she no longer contacts me.

 

After this happened I realized it was something that I just had to accept and get over but, I am not one to have friend breakups. I take my friendships very seriously and I like to keep what I feel are "real" friends close.

 

I ended up moving to Phoenix this last summer and wrote Mary before I left, letting her know again that I was sorry for the fight and that I was still sad about it. She wrote me back saying that she knows fighting with friends is hard and that she does not have hard feelings towards me. We left it that.

 

I went on a short trip with my old bestfriend that Mary had previously gone with us and when I got back I wrote Mary and told her that I missed her.

 

I never heard back.

 

I can make guesses and assumptions and project feelings upon her, but it really has nothing to do with how she really feels. But that is all I have to work with.

 

After all of this time, I’m still working to get over it. I’ve gotten over the events, the people, the stuff, but I can’t get over losing these friendships. I can't shut it out. Every time I see pictures of those girls together I get so sad because that is a bond that we once had.

 

It hurts. It hurts every day. The pain eases up, but then rages again when we I see them together. I can’t fix this. Hell, I can’t even resolve this. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s time to give up on the friendship, but I am left praying for resolution. It’s an open sore that gets the scab picked off every couple of months.

 

 

You can’t force someone to be your friend. They have to want to be there.

 

 

How do you get over something that won’t resolve?

 

 

I don't think they ever talk about me or even think about me and here I am sulking over this broken friendship from years ago.

 

 

Now I know I’m not truly awful. I’ve actually thought of myself as kind of a good person. I’m not without faults and errors and mistakes. But I’m not a monster either. I’m human. I am just trying to navigate my way through life.

 

 

It still hurts knowing someone is out there. Someone who hates me. Who blames me. Who won’t forgive me. (I’m still working on my own forgiveness which will help the healing process.)

 

 

Why can I not get over a sense of being horrible at the opinion of one or maybe that one’s people? I know who I am, and I’m not mean. I’m not uncaring. I don’t shut people out or try to get rid of them. I’m not full of hate and I’m definitely not out to get anyone.

 

 

I’m not writing this for any one to feel sorry for me or feel like they must walk on eggshells around me. I just want the hurt to be over. I had been friends with Julie for 6 years and she chose Mary and other people I introduced her to over wanting to stay friends with me.

 

 

 

It is hard to make close friends and keep long friendships.

Edited November 25, 2012 by Chico333

[Treasa]

I don't know, sweetie. I don't hold grudges. I'm not perfect, and I don't expect perfection from others. Someone who is a good friend would have to do something really bad, like sleep with my boyfriend, talk trash about my mom, or hurt an animal before I would stop being their friend, and those are pretty extreme.

 

I say make some new friends. Not everyone is meant to be in your life indefinitely. However, you're giving them more important than they deserve. They couldn't have been THAT close if they got pissy at you over something you apologized for. Do you not want to say what you did? It might help.

[VeronicaRoss]

We don't get to know what you did or said, but the fact *everyone* in that circle took it hard enough to drop your friendship is pretty telling. That's a clue that whatever you said was not only really bad, it might have been part a behavior of yours that's been going on for a long time and that was the last straw.

 

Did you truly apologize? A real apology doesn't include an excuse, it's "I'm sorry for blank, because blank. I won't do that again. I'm so sorry I hurt you. Is it possible for us to move past this and hang out again?" And then you sit there and really listen to your friend. But the moment you start defending your behavior or arguing about their perception of what happened, you're not really there to mend the friendship but save your ego. Have you asked anyone else about your behavior and gotten their feedback? Sounds kind of serious, like you might need to pay attention to something you don't really see well.

 

That aside, you need to stop hurting yourself with knowing what they're up to -- without you. You can unsubscribe to all their news feeds to be undramatic about it.

 

Two years really isn't a long time to get over a life-long friendship and a circle of friends. But you'll need to reach out to other people and become a part of another circle and get on with life. It won't take away the hurt, that's life, but it will add new fun and warmth.

Edited December 2, 2012 by VeronicaRoss

[Chico333]

Well the thing that made it so hard is that I can honestly say is that I had never gotten into any type of argument with these friends. We had never had any problems ever. This was the first time anything had ever happened between us which is why it was so disheartening to see them drop the friendship so quick over a first time fight.

 

I will take your advice though I know I need to just move on and find new friends. :-/ I am still friends with a couple of people in the group which kind is annoying because since I'm friend with them I can see whenever they get together with the girls that I'm not friends with anymore.

 

I need to just move on from this...

[Chico333]

I also truly appologized and listened to their side. One of the girls said that she moved past it but she obviously didn't cause she only contacts me a little here and there but never to hang out. I told them it would never happen again and that I was ashamed for what I did. I guess that just wasn't good enough for them.

[VeronicaRoss]

Ouch. That is really rough. Groups also tend to dummy down everyone and a lot of groups are more about doing things together than real through thick and thin friendship. I'm sorry they have failed you so badly!

[Chico333]

I forgot to add what actually happened. I just didn't want to make it too long.

Well, what happened is that we had gone to a concert about 40 min. away from where we live. I went with my boyfriend in a car and the other two girls rode on their own together.

 

We had planned on staying at my cabin which is a 10 min drive from there. The girls asked me if I would be willing to drive them because they had been drinking. I told them I would.

 

Well one thing led to another and we all ended up getting pretty hammered except my boyfriend so we were all depending on him to drive us.

 

My boyfriend and I ended up getting into a heated argument that one of the girls observed. She jumped in and started to stick up for me. I appreciate her trying to do that but in my opinion I don't think she should have ever said anything because then.... my boyfriend got really upset and it was him and her arguing for a min.

 

Even though I was mad at my boyfriend we were all up there together and had planned on staying together *remember 40 min away from all out homes except my cabin* My boyfriend said he was leaving. My friend said "good, go we will be fine here by ourselves." which was not true. We were all extremely drunk and my boyfriend was our only ride. Both my friend and my boyfriend were really angry and I was stuck in the middle. My boyfriend stormed out and said ok and told me to come with him.

 

I didn't know what to do. I ran after him and tried to calm him down. I told my friends to come with me. The angry friend refused and the other didn't really know what to do and didn't want to leave my friend. *it was at a hotel ski resort in the mountains*

 

I ended up leaving with my boyfriend to the cabin. My friends called me a couple times and I ignored their calls. *I know I know, it was a horrible thing to do* My boyfriend and I were fighting, I felt bad leaving my friends, I was drunk and it was just one big giant mess.

 

What ended up happening is that one of the girls had to call their boyfriend to drive all the way there to get them.

 

My friend basically said that she lost my trust and that I abandoned them and she said for all I knew they could have been kidnapped or raped or something like that.

 

I could have handled the situation better and I should have but like I said, we were all really drunk and it happened so fast and I didn't know what to do. In the end I should have called them and answered their calls.

 

So that is story.

[Chico333]

I just want to add that we didn't leave within minutes. I stayed out side and went back instide to try and talk to my friends it took me a while to decide what to do until I finally left with my boyfriend. I even called them while I was leaving but they did not pick up the phone. It wasn't until I was at my cabin that they called me.

[VeronicaRoss]

They said they'd be fine and didn't go with you when you asked. I guess the phone calls you ignored were them changing their mind and wanting to come to your cabin after all. Yes, all around a mess.

 

At a resort they could sit in the lobby with an employee at the desk at all times, or have checked into a room. The "we could have been raped" is just silly. They were in a very uncomfortable situation, completely of their making due to drunken pride and anger. Your friend getting in a fight with the guy and then being mad at you -- I'm wondering if your friends worry about the men you choose too and might be done with drama there? Otherwise their reaction is so over the top. Which is possible too.

 

To be honest it sounds like that group of friends drink too much, love drama more than solutions, and are not big on taking responsibility. In other words, very typical teens to 25 year olds!

 

You took a heavy hit for this, but on the other hand you're now unshackled from 'friends' that can't take responsibility for their part of a problem. You could do better!

 

My guess is in 5-20 years these women will come around and be able to laugh about all of this with you. Or they're still emotionally in high school.