Missed a wedding - deleted off facebook!

[saltygirl01]

Hello!

 

So this was news to me today - tell me what you guys think.

 

I have a friend, Chris, I have been friends with him for over 10 years and in the past few years we have lost touch. Please note, we are all between the ages of 29-34) He invited me to his wedding, which was about 3 hours away in a different city. I RSVP'd with my boyfriend a few months in advance and truly planned on attending.

 

Well, sh*t happened and we could not make it. And by sh*t I mean my boyfriend's grandmother became very ill, placed in hospice and passed away during the weeks leading up to the wedding. Then, my boyfriend's mother, who was the breadwinner in his family, was let go of her position of 13 years and then was hospitalized the week of the wedding event with severe kidney stones. Not to mention, I had a set-back, financially, and money was a major issues for us - my boyfriend had another obligation with work and I was going to be stuck going solo to this wedding, even BEFORE the major events occurred.

 

Long story short, I completely screwed up by not informing the groom and his bride of our shortfall in time. I composed an email and a message via facebook (I did not even have his number anymore, or hers) and reached out to a few mutual friends (who were not attending either last minute)

 

I realized today, a few months later, I had not heard back from them. Checked the inbox/outbox and sent mail and realized I had only composed the message and never sent it. I held off because I felt so bad and kept wondering what I should be saying and then it never sent.

 

I realized also today that I was deleted from both of their facebook/social media accounts.

 

Oh man. I wrote a kind, apologetic and deeply sympathetic message to the groom completely understanding their anger. I totally understand what a f*cked up thing I did - but what do you guys think? I can't help but sort of feel surprised at the fact that I was just deleted from social networking without any type of questioning or conversation?

 

Thoughts?

[saltygirl01]

Ah, I guess I Should add

[Janesays]

Well, you were rude. He decided he didn't want to be friends with a rude person. So, you got cut. I'd probably cut you, too, to be honest.

 

Next time, don't wait until you're deleted from facebook to apologize for your rudeness. And yeah, stuff happens to everyone, that's life. But that's not an excuse to totally blow off your friend's wedding without even telling him why or apologizing.

[KatZee]

Hello!

 

So this was news to me today - tell me what you guys think.

 

I have a friend, Chris, I have been friends with him for over 10 years and in the past few years we have lost touch. Please note, we are all between the ages of 29-34) He invited me to his wedding, which was about 3 hours away in a different city. I RSVP'd with my boyfriend a few months in advance and truly planned on attending.

 

Well, sh*t happened and we could not make it. And by sh*t I mean my boyfriend's grandmother became very ill, placed in hospice and passed away during the weeks leading up to the wedding. Then, my boyfriend's mother, who was the breadwinner in his family, was let go of her position of 13 years and then was hospitalized the week of the wedding event with severe kidney stones. Not to mention, I had a set-back, financially, and money was a major issues for us - my boyfriend had another obligation with work and I was going to be stuck going solo to this wedding, even BEFORE the major events occurred.

 

Long story short, I completely screwed up by not informing the groom and his bride of our shortfall in time. I composed an email and a message via facebook (I did not even have his number anymore, or hers) and reached out to a few mutual friends (who were not attending either last minute)

 

I realized today, a few months later, I had not heard back from them. Checked the inbox/outbox and sent mail and realized I had only composed the message and never sent it. I held off because I felt so bad and kept wondering what I should be saying and then it never sent.

 

I realized also today that I was deleted from both of their facebook/social media accounts.

 

Oh man. I wrote a kind, apologetic and deeply sympathetic message to the groom completely understanding their anger. I totally understand what a f*cked up thing I did - but what do you guys think? I can't help but sort of feel surprised at the fact that I was just deleted from social networking without any type of questioning or conversation?

 

Thoughts?

 

 

That's a lot of crappy stuff to have happen but I mean you should have been more responsible as to have alerted them way ahead of time. You can't really use this laundry list of excuses not to go because some of these things happened way before the wedding even did. So if you were truly not going to go due to your boyfriend's grandmother falling ill, you should have told them at that moment.

 

And I can't for the life of me believe you didn't have or couldn't find a phone number to call. You were mailed an invitation. Usually people hang on to that invitation because it contains contact information, the address of the church and then the hall.

 

If you threw that stuff out, again, it shows you had no intentions of going and should have informed them at that moment.

 

Then it takes you "a few months" to realize you haven't even spoken to them???!? Did you even wish them a congratulations on their wedding??? ANYTHING?

 

You come off extremely self absorbed to just ignore the RSVP change, then you stand them up, then you don't even congratulate them after the wedding, you don't get in touch in any way shape or form.

 

You don't sound like a particularly good friend, sounds like you barely speak to them. I wouldn't keep someone on my Facebook that stood me up at my wedding and made me waste hundreds of dollars for the plate of food, and then couldn't even bother to explain, or even congratulate.

Edited November 21, 2012 by KatZee

[Citizen Erased]

If you RSVP to a wedding and cannot go, you contact them to congratulate them, explain the situation and you send them the gift that you were going to give them. You had their address to RSVP to...

 

Instead you half ass it by composing an email you don't even send and then waiting for months to realise you didn't even so much as say congrats to them and sorry.

 

Not surprising they deleted you.

[2sunny]

Hi All,

 

I am new to this and will keep as brief as possible.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. In the beginning, as most couples do, we felt like we talked all the time and had great communication. Well, it turns out we don't whatsoever.

 

The last 3 months have been very stressful. We were given extremely short notice to move out of our rental, we moved in with his parents for about a month and a half and in the same time, we have been working full time and he bought a new house. I was also diagnosed with a possible serious thyroid condition and having a biopsy to rule out cancer. Plus, every weekend has been spent renovating and working on the home - talk about stress!

 

This past Saturday was our first official night in the home and it ended up in a disastrous fight. We have been bottling up many emotions over the last month or so and had been slightly bickering at each other throughout the day. Friends came by in the evening which turned into a party - and we all had entirely too much to drink. Once we were completely intoxicated, somehow we picked a fight with each other which got pretty nasty with yelling and etc - me threatening to leave, etc. It was really dysfunctional (at least I think so) no hitting or domestic stuff - just a lot of yelling and etc.

 

Well anyway, we spent a long time talking and identifying issues within ourselves - my lack of communication, his lack of communication. His wall he's kept up with feelings sometimes for fear we will turn out like his last relationship, in which she cheated and left him for another man. My expectation that certain things about him will just change (you can't change people) etc etc. We both involved family which we know seriously regret - and both our families say they should not have been involved, etc. We have been making great strides in communicating, which almost feels awkward these past 2 days - we are having ourselves to say things that we normally wouldn't say, like for example, one thing he said was, "the reason I get so mad when you owe money for something is because we made the decision to buy that together and you committed to paying the bill. when you flake out, i feel like its disrespectful and you don't care for our finances and makes me worry for the future" (A large furniture bill) Whereas in my head, I always give him the money, but I am flakey and forget, or figure it doesn't matter if he just pays it up front, I'll pay him back. and I never thought of it in that way...

 

Long story short, Now I am unsure of what to do. Not in my heart, or my gut, but I have had so many outside opinions that I keep thinking and re-thinking our situation. If left alone, I feel very clear-headed but now I am starting to get clouded with doubt. The last thing I heard that has stuck in my head is "if you're having trouble communicating now, you will never communicate in a marriage"

 

Is that true? Should I even be thinking this far? I have also been told only I will know whats best for me and he will know whats best for him - so how come I am getting caught up in outside opinions?

 

Blah, I would appreciate some insight. Oh yes, and I am 29, he is 30.

 

Is your life always so full of chaos?

[anna121]

Yeah, sorry, I'm gonna have to go with everyone else here. Looking at it from their side, your actions were inexcusable. If someone didn't come to my wedding, didn't make their excuses or do anything to follow up, no way in hell would I contact them. The fact that it took you so long to even notice that they had de-friended you speaks volumes too.

 

The relationship doesn't sound like it was that solid to begin with, and your actions were the nail in the coffin.

[whichwayisup]

Long story short, I completely screwed up by not informing the groom and his bride of our shortfall in time. I composed an email and a message via facebook (I did not even have his number anymore, or hers) and reached out to a few mutual friends (who were not attending either last minute)

Did the mutual friends not have their phone number? Is he not listed in the phone book?

 

It's unfortunate that this happened, but understandable on their part to have deleted you.

 

You can either try to fix this or just let it go. But, from the sounds of it, you weren't in their daily lives or great friends for a long time.

[sweetjasmine]

And I can't for the life of me believe you didn't have or couldn't find a phone number to call. You were mailed an invitation. Usually people hang on to that invitation because it contains contact information, the address of the church and then the hall.

 

Yeah, I'm wondering about that, too. We put our contact info all over the place, including phone numbers. I can see how someone might forget, but it seems a little weird.

 

Then it takes you "a few months" to realize you haven't even spoken to them???!? Did you even wish them a congratulations on their wedding??? ANYTHING?

 

You come off extremely self absorbed to just ignore the RSVP change, then you stand them up, then you don't even congratulate them after the wedding, you don't get in touch in any way shape or form.

 

You don't sound like a particularly good friend, sounds like you barely speak to them. I wouldn't keep someone on my Facebook that stood me up at my wedding and made me waste hundreds of dollars for the plate of food, and then couldn't even bother to explain, or even congratulate.

 

Yup. The lack of congratulations after not showing up is an extra slap in the face. A friend of mine did this to us, except it was a text message two days before the wedding saying he wouldn't be able to make it (but he didn't say why). He and his wife originally RSVP-ed, saying they would come, but they let us know a month in advance that she wouldn't be able to get out of work. That was fine, and we appreciated the head's up. But the last minute cancellation really pissed me off, especially since I made a great effort to fly out to their wedding the month before, a few days after moving to another state. I spent a lot of money getting there and on a generous gift. And in return, we got a last minute cancellation and not even a "congrats" or a freaking card in the mail. They offered to come visit some other time to make up for it, but quite frankly, I don't want them to, and my H doesn't care either way.

 

It's just extremely inconsiderate. To have no-shows right at the very end when you've already paid for them is bad enough. To receive no acknowledgement after the fact (whether it's a simple "congrats!" or a card or a small gift) is adding insult to injury. Especially when people you're not close to are thoughtful enough to send you a message or call to offer their congratulations even though they weren't invited.

 

As for the couple not questioning the OP as to why she didn't show up, it's not on them to go chase people down and ask them why they didn't bother to show up when they said they were coming. If you've promised to come and can't make it, it's YOUR responsibility to communicate why to the couple. If you don't even bother to congratulate the couple and apologize for not showing up in a timely manner, why would they bother demanding an explanation? It'd be obvious to them that reaching out to them is not one of your priorities.

[Chico333]

I think they should be willing to hear you out on what happened. People are quick to judge and get angry. Just like you said, "sh*t happens." Something like that is not worth losing a friendship.

[divadiva]

oh dear.

I'm sorry that you had so many nasty family things happen to you before Chris' wedding.

 

Imagine how this looks to him: you RSVP'd yes. He took the time and effort and money to send you a beautiful invitation. He took the time to organise the best spot for you to sit at the wedding such that you will be surrounded by friends (and that is a very hard task - believe me). He then paid for your meal, a small bonboniere, your place cards etc. It is a very stressful time for him. You didn't tell him in advance that you weren't coming. You didn't apologise after - and didn't make any attempt for 2 months (but as far as he knows - you never made any attempts). Did you even send a card?

 

This is the height of rudeness and extremely disrespectful. You would expect the same level of respect if it was YOUR major life event.

I would have unfriended you too.

 

 

Most people are not evil - if you had told him that your bf's grandmother had died several weeks prior and you were still grieving he would have been understanding. If you had told him you have been having financial issues and felt embarrassed about not turning up with a gift he would have either asked you to come without a gift as your presence is more important or he would have politely accepted your decline.

 

To be honest if someone made excuses like: my bf's mother lost her job so I can't come to your wedding i would think that were ridiculous excuses in the first instance. I'm sorry these things happen and it is awful for your bf's mother.I know that is a very stressful situation for her and her family to be in. I'm not trying to dismiss that these things aren't awful but they are not valid excuses for why you don't attend a wedding. I mean you've listed various stressors in both your bf's life and your life but they aren't usually reasons for non attendance.You may as well have told him your bf's dog did a poo in your neighbour's grandfather's garden. Being stressed about job loss is not a valid excuse to not turn up or at the very least send a card.

 

 

If you felt uncomfortable going alone because your bf couldn't make it then let him know and let him know WELL in advance (i.e. at the time of the initial RSVP if it was known). It seems by your post that your already RSVPed for yourself and not your bf. If this was the case then why did you RSVP if you felt uncomfortable going alone??

 

 

What to do now? Well this situation is really hard. Do you value the relationship between the two of you or are you just pissed off about being unfriended?

If you do want to rekindle a friendship I would suggest that you do NOT (and I must stress NOT) ramble on about all the "sh*t that happened" because to be quite frank all of the things you have mentioned are ridiculous excuses as to why you were not able to spend 5 mins to let him know that you couldn't come (except for maybe the recent death - assuming you were so grief-stricken).

 

If you have lost this friendship then I suggest you just use the situation as a life experience.

Edited December 1, 2012 by divadiva
changes

[saltygirl01]

I appreciate all of your responses, even the very critical and harsh ones!

 

And to one of the posters that asked if I "always had that much chaos in my life" quite frankly, no. which is why it was extremely overwhelming.

 

I take the blame for being a horrible person, I was just looking for some outside perspective. And I completely do understand it is a slap in the face along with utter negligence and rude behavior on my behalf.

 

I was looking for some other opinions and I did receive them. To those that were able to maintain an unbiased and fair response, I appreciate it immensely. To the rest that called me a bad friend, perhaps in that situation, but I do not consider myself a bad friend or a bad person in life - I completely screwed up with this one and I acknowledge that. I put it on the back burner and failed.

 

Thanks again, I appreciate your input