PersonMan Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 Its been about three years, and I havent talked to an old friend of mine since this happened. Id known her a pretty long time and considered her a pretty good friend, but im from the Northeast and she is from the Midwest so we had to plan stuff out to hang out. Few summers ago, she paid for some fairly expensive roundtrip airfare for me to come out for something that I had agreed to do for her. So I flew out there for a week, but I didnt end up doing it because there was some miscommunication beforehand. Needless to say, she didnt appreciate it and things didnt end well. Things were said. I left, and I havent heard from her since. Ive thought about it from time to time since then. Whether or not I should just leave it be. She deleted me from Facebook soon after that and all that other BS (yes I know, trivial stuff). I feel bad and wonder if I should pay her back. Even after all these years, and if youre wondering why its taken this long, its because I havent had a good enough paying job to afford it, until now. I asked her cousin last year for her address because she moved, and her cousin obliged. So the question is, should I pay her back or just leave it alone? Something else I should probably add is that I went to get rid of my Linkedin account not long ago because I rarely use it and noticed that she came up under People You May Know, among others which was freaky. I had 0 connections and it said people that have viewed this profile also viewed etc etc, and listed under my name was her ex and co-workers. A quick google search suggests that this happens to a lot of people and that recs only come up if that person searched for you. It was because of this that im now wondering. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PersonMan Posted November 14, 2012 Author Share Posted November 14, 2012 Im thinking she maybe forgot about it, and it would be silly to send a payment after three years, but it was a decent bit of money, and it basically cost a very good friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
pcplod Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 I think it is really up to you. How you want to be regarded by others just as a person, no matter what the back history might be between you. Look at it as the price of buying you a bit of peace of mind, so that you can set the issue aside and think about it a bit less. Personally, I don't think you should worry how much time has passed, it is about the gesture now, on the basis better late than never. You can be quite candid with her about why it has taken you so long to do something practical about it. Whether she appreciates the gesture is another matter altogether. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PersonMan Posted November 15, 2012 Author Share Posted November 15, 2012 Is it not weird to do this after three years? Link to post Share on other sites
pcplod Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 Is it not weird to do this after three years? Personally, I think asking whether it is weird is really the wrong question. It may be weird because she isn't, wouldn't be expecting it. However, I think the more more important question is "Is it right"? Only you can decide about that because it is about how you feel about your past friendship whether it recovers or not and how you feel about yourself? How difficult is it for you to write a personal cheque with a friendly note or letter, telling her that you have always had this at the back of your mind, that you have always wanted to do something about it but that you were always too poor before this to actually be able to do something about it? There is nothing wrong with being poor, it happens to a lot of people. It's important not to wallow in poverty, but how many people really want to do that? Link to post Share on other sites
cloudatlas Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 I think it'd be kind. It was a silly argument of a few years back, right? You lost a good friendship. Good friendships are rare, and over something as small as that? I think it'd be kind to pay her back, and if you wanted, maybe to mend a broken bridge. Eh, I don't think it's weird. I mean, you want to pay her back? Do it. It's not like you're spamming her or calling her. It's like an apology. We messed up in the past & you spent money on me, and now I can finally pay you back. Honestly, it's kinda cool. Not many people would pay back a friend that's long gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PersonMan Posted November 17, 2012 Author Share Posted November 17, 2012 I was told that I am also risking the possiblity of her rejecting it and sending it back. Link to post Share on other sites
allenpo123 Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 I don't think she'd forget about the payment, especially you said things didn't end well. Maybe reconnect with her, tell her you are sorry about what happened three years ago(even if it's not your fault, just to be polite) and offer to pay her back in some way. (If wiring money to her seems awkward, maybe ask if she wants anything equal to that?) The bottom line is, you really don't want to feel guilty about money. If paying her back will give you some closure, money isn't that big a issue, and it would be more awkward if you let thing thing go for 5 years or more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PersonMan Posted November 18, 2012 Author Share Posted November 18, 2012 So what if she rejects it? At least you tried to do what you felt was right. Was the miscommuncation about the work to be done on her end or your end? Both ends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PersonMan Posted November 18, 2012 Author Share Posted November 18, 2012 I don't think she'd forget about the payment, especially you said things didn't end well. Maybe reconnect with her, tell her you are sorry about what happened three years ago(even if it's not your fault, just to be polite) and offer to pay her back in some way. (If wiring money to her seems awkward, maybe ask if she wants anything equal to that?) The bottom line is, you really don't want to feel guilty about money. If paying her back will give you some closure, money isn't that big a issue, and it would be more awkward if you let thing thing go for 5 years or more. Yeah, there was a long drive back to her apt (few hours because we were coming from a week long biking event in another state). Had to spend a week with her and some her family and friends. Very awkward from the start. In fact, my first post on this site from July 09, that flight I was talking about was the one from her city/that time. Weird. Anyway, there was a fight about it, things were said. I left and after that, got deleted from her Facebook (had known her for about 10 years), etc. Havent spoken to her ever since. We always had regular communication over the years, some times more than others. I just wonder that she may think its weird that its been this long already and that I should just leave it alone. What is weird about it is that I went to deactivate my Linkedin account recently cause I barely used it (I think I logged into it like three times, 0 connections), but she came up under People You May Know. I always thought that was weird because theres no possible way that site would know we were acquainted before. If anyone uses Linkedin, youll know what im talking about. On the right side it says People who viewed this profile (mine) also viewed... and her ex bf was there, and her co-workers. So im thinking she looked me up at some point since. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PersonMan Posted November 18, 2012 Author Share Posted November 18, 2012 Seems like thats not the first time thats happened to anyone either. https://www.google.com/#hl=en&sugexp=les%3B&gs_nf=3&pq=linkedin%20people%20you%20may%20know&cp=29&gs_id=e&xhr=t&q=linkedin+people+you+may+know+creepy&pf=p&safe=off&tbo=d&sclient=psy-ab&oq=linkedin+people+you+may+know+&gs_l=&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.&fp=2012d2ad9ce24842&bpcl=38625945&biw=1280&bih=570 Link to post Share on other sites
pcplod Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 Why do you prevaricate over this? Is it about you, her or (still) the money? My last word on the subject. It is really okay to say "Sorry" even if isn't reciprocated, even if the problem between you and whoever wasn't a one-way street. It is really is okay even if it does not turn out as you hoped or even well at all. Either do it or forget it and move on with your life whatever form it takes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PersonMan Posted November 18, 2012 Author Share Posted November 18, 2012 Why do you prevaricate over this? Is it about you, her or (still) the money? My last word on the subject. It is really okay to say "Sorry" even if isn't reciprocated, even if the problem between you and whoever wasn't a one-way street. It is really is okay even if it does not turn out as you hoped or even well at all. Either do it or forget it and move on with your life whatever form it takes. Its about not feeling guilty over it and moving on from that situation, not about her, or re-connecting, or anything of that nature. Im not going to put a return address on it. Im not saying sorry. Just sending it. Maybe a sentence. Thats it. Just wanted to know if it was weird doing it after so long. Link to post Share on other sites
Michal2012 Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 let it go. Don't think about past. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts