Snubbed?

[Donaghy]

I've known my closest friends since freshman year of college when we all dormed together. Over time some of us drifted apart due to moving, switching schools, disagreements, etc. However, four of us still remained close friends, seeing/communicating with each other daily.

 

This year we've all had our share of problems. Mine were mostly financial as I'd lost my full time job and was unemployed for a few months. Recently, I found a job outside of NYC, but had to move to the suburbs to work. Penny-pinching combined with the distance from my close friends meant that I missed many events and a few birthday parties. What I noticed though was that none of them ever visited me. (Well, save for one of them and she only visited me twice) I brought it up and the answers I got were about how they were trying to save money too and their work schedules, etc.

 

Mind you, all of them drive and have cars, while I do not. Yet as I live about 45 mins away by train, I'd still commute in to party or hang out when I could afford it. Since I missed one's birthday party last month, no invitations have been extended to me but they post pictures on Facebook of events they go to together. Just this past Friday I was texting a couple of them saying I'd gotten out of work early and whatnot. Both stopped texting me soon after and hours later they posted a barrage of statuses about what bars they were at and things they were doing.

 

Had these been mere acquaintances I wouldn't be too bothered, but these are people I've known for years and considered my best friends. Am I speaking out of insecurity here? Or would you say that I've been snubbed?

[freeradical]

Donaghy, since you have visited them since you moved...even by taking the train...all I can do is offer you my support and share my experience.

 

I'm very sorry for what you're going through. You must be feeling very lonely and left out.

 

I can understand completely. A year ago, my husband and I moved. We now live a 1 - 3 hours drive away from all of our friends. We visited our friends a few times, but none of them would reciprocate. We planned a few parties at our new home and all of our friends stood us up and never even bothered letting us know that they wouldn't be coming. We asked our friends to explain their behavior and none of them responded. We can only assume that they are too selfish to take the time to drive up here and that they're really not truly friends. If they were truly our friends, then they'd make the time to come up here and see us or at least meet us halfway rather than always expecting us to come see them. Now that we no longer live close to them, they simply seem like they can't be bothered unless we'll come to them or come get them. Even when I didn't have a car, I took the train down to see my friends and would take the train back home...even though the train was a very long (at least 4 hours) and unsafe way to travel.

 

Our "friends" did the same exact thing to us, they ignored us unless they needed something and would post tons of stuff on Facebook and Twitter...to the point that my husband and I unfriended and unfollowed them.

 

Have you tried telling your friends how you feel and asking them directly about your suspicions?

 

I don't think you're being insecure. Many people are very selfish. I think it seems like they're snubbing you. Snubbing is a form of bullying and harassment. Also, people do grow apart. I suggest you meet new people in the area you moved to and in the meantime just don't pay attention to what your former friends are doing...it'll just drag your mood down. Go do something that you enjoy and take your mind off of it.

 

^_^

[exoduse22]

That must really hurt.. I kind of feel what you are going through. Been asking myself what true friendship really is...

[Klaatu]

This is all too familiar. The behavior you saw is in my opinion, indicative of where you rank in their priorities, and it isn't very high. It hurts. Ask me how I know. True friends, in my opinion, are the ones who are loyal, would give you the shirt of their back, are always there for you, listen carefully, and make time for you. They have a choice and you are not it, whereas you do make these "friends" a priority. If your friends do not see you as important as you do them, you will be disappointed. Again, ask me how I know. I now just divorce myself from friends that are unwilling to accept my level of friendship and/or give little back. These "one-way" friendships where one person does all the heavy lifting are tiring and disappointing.

 

You may struggle to find a friend that is ready to engage to the level you want. They are increasingly rare it seems, with "friends" now seemingly redefined as casual a[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]cquaintances. I am looking hard for those friends, but sometimes I think it would be easier to find a polar bear in the Sahara.

 

Klaatu