Damnit! Why can I never have a platonic friend?

[AsItIs]

This always happens to me! I become friends with a guy & somehow, I always have to cut the cord because they get feelings for me (or maybe they already had feelings in the first place)

 

This most recent circumstance happened today.I have befriended a guy, who I've seen for years in the neighborhood, just a few months ago.We hang out at his house like once every 2 weeks or so. I have never flirted or did anything to make him think it would be more than friends.I even told him a couple of months ago that I'm not over my ex(actually I'm almost completely over him at this point but this friend does not know that)

 

So anyways....today he texted me & asked how I'm doing & all that jazz. Then he proceeds to tell me that he "has a date tonight, but this girl is so boring & I'm so much more fun & way hotter that he'd rather hang with me." I was kind of stunned cause he's never actually flirted in such a blatent fashion.I just kind of shrugged it off by saying "Awww that's sweet,thank you.It's just the crazy in me.You should go & have an "I don't give a f*ck attitude.You'll probably even get layed!" He said "She is such a boring person that she probably sucks in bed anyway"I said "Just go! Have fun! I'm busy today but maybe we could hang out during the week sometime" He said "Ok but I might die of boredom.After this though....I'm gonna focus all my attention to you" (oh god!) I made a joke that I probably shouldn't have said...I said "Well I don't date corpses so don't die!" He said "Well if I begin to lose conciousness,I'll start to run.I wouldn't want to deprive you of all of this.lol" I just responded with a smiley face emoticon through text.

 

 

This happens to me every single time I make a male friend.The thing is...I feel terrible saying that he's not my type or whatever else excuse I can make.Also-I've been dating other guys & I don't want to tell him about any of that. I usually just act like a wuss & eventually just stop hanging with guys when this happens, instead of expressing my real feelings cause I don't want to hurt his feelings.But I really do like him as a friend & I hope I don't have to cut the cord.

 

 

What can I do? Is it even possibe to have a true platonic friend of the opposite sex? In my experience,I'd say no.

Edited November 3, 2012 by AsItIs

[aMguilts]

hello AsItIs /

 

Is it possible? Yes it is.

 

You set firm boundaries in place when they start coming on to you.

Be honest. Just say something like` look i`m really flattered that you think i`m hot, but i value you as a friend and that`s all we can ever be. I hope we can still be friends?"

If you say it in a nice tone and sound sincere they will respect that.

 

If they don`t, well they are not worthy of your time anyway.

 

aM

[Minka333]

I never had a platonic male friend too. So it kinda sucks when you just view them as friends and they react in a different way. It is an awkward feeling.

 

I guess, your friend has been attracted to you since day one and must've sensed you friendzoned him. But he is still taking on his chances that you might change your mind one day.

 

Also if you are naturally fun, playful and friendly, some men will get attracted to you no matter how much you downplay it. They see you possess something more desirable than just being just a friend..they either see gf or hookup potential.

 

But I do believe there are men out there capable of just being friends especially if they're in healthy relationships.

[aMguilts]

I never had a platonic male friend too. So it kinda sucks when you just view them as friends and they react in a different way. It is an awkward feeling.

 

I guess, your friend has been attracted to you since day one and must've sensed you friendzoned him. But he is still taking on his chances that you might change your mind one day.

 

Also if you are naturally fun, playful and friendly, some men will get attracted to you no matter how much you downplay it. They see you possess something more desirable than just being just a friend..they either see gf or hookup potential.

 

But I do believe there are men out there capable of just being friends especially if they're in healthy relationships.

 

hi minka.

 

you made a lot of sense.

 

Downside is thou OP, there are a LOT of men that don`t think with their `brain`, but something else instead. You know what i mean.

[Minka333]

Yes i agree, it is often their strong attraction to you that gets in the way. I mean, being physically desirable and having a fun personality are strong men magnets.

 

It is not your fault coz' you are what you are. You're just being real. If they think with their head below then you think with your mind(unless you want them too). Approach by being assertive that you only want friendship.

 

It is hard coz' they would often agree but then act differently, if that's the case then you can always distance yourself. They should get the hint and act accordingly.

[aMguilts]

@ hawaii50

 

maybe cos they saw through your.01% for what you were really after??

 

just a thought

[AsItIs]

Yeah it sucks, Asitis, but you didn't help the situation.. Silence would have been deafening, though. Nothing would have worked lol.

 

Ever try explaining the platonic nature of the relationship when you first become friends? Setting the boundaries out the gate isn't a horrible idea and will set the pace. I have a few awesome female friends, but it took a while for me to be absolutely 99.99% platonic. Yeah you noticed that .01% eh? They complain about the same thing and what set it for me when one of 'em mentioned that around this one buddy she constantly used the words "brother" and "sister." Guess it works too. But I did have the sad realization that this has happened in m past as well. You start throwing out the idea of siblings, and that should at least cut your issue in half.

 

Thanks for the reply Hawaii50

 

I think that's a great idea (explaining the whole platonic nature from the very get go) but wouldn't that come across as narcissistic?

[CC12]

I think that's a great idea (explaining the whole platonic nature from the very get go) but wouldn't that come across as narcissistic?

 

Yeah. And then they'll just tell you, "Uh, I wasn't hitting on you anyway" even though they actually were, or just hadn't gotten up the nerve to do it yet. It's a difficult situation to maneuver when your "friend" has feelings for you. You almost always lose, unless the friend can be a grown up about things. And they usually can't, because if they could, they wouldn't have befriended a girl just so they could date her someday without having to actually make any moves.

 

Luckily, your guy did make his intentions known (in a really weird way) so you have the opportunity to let him down gently now. And then you probably will have to cut the cord, at least for a while. It sucks, but it seems kind of heartless to keep a guy around when you know he has feelings for you. If he had just casually asked you out on a date, maybe you could have continued the friendship, but he made things weird by implying...I don't even know what he was trying to imply. That he's going to be exclusive with you now? (I guess he didn't need your input at all in order to make this decision.) I'm getting the impression that he thought you guys have been dating all along. So this probably was never the friendship you thought it was and it's best to let it go.

 

In the future, if you only want to be friends with a guy, drop subtle hints to convey that. Like a previous poster said, use the word "brother." Or, "you're such an awesome friend" or "I have some lady friends I can hook you up with." Then if they try to somehow take it further than friends, give a really clear no. Don't just tell them what you think they want to hear, i.e. "I can't date you if you're dead!" No more sending mixed messages in order to spare their feelings. You've got to grow a spine and tell people what you want or don't want, even if it hurts their feelings.

[21stCenturyMale]

You want a guy friend without any possibility of attraction/sexual tension? Friend a gay guy. Otherwise, someone will always be wanting someone/something.

 

You should probably only hang out with him with other people around. You may be leading him on. Just you and him hanging out together but you have a boyfriend? how does your bf feel about that?

 

If you want to continue the friendship, you need to be careful what you're exuding. Your text about not dating corpses?

"Well I don't date corpses so don't die!"

Definitely sounds like flirting to me and if you had said something like "I like my FRIENDS living, so don't die" it would communicate much differently.

 

Take some time to cool things off for a little. And if you find that you want to keep him in your life, maybe you need to re-evaluate why you like him.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[CptObvious]

All you need to do is become unattractive. Stack on a good 50lbs and you'll drop from a 9 to a 5.

[jimloveslips]

What can I do? Is it even possibe to have a true platonic friend of the opposite sex?

 

Yes, they are called gays and they are apparently very good at shopping too.

[esteem-jam]

Ah, this eternal question.

 

If you say that this happens to you every time, and reading some other females posts, I should ask: are you attractive? Do you think you are? Do most find you attractive?

 

Looking back, I had some female acquaintances I could talk goofy things, but I never would imagine a relationship with them, because to me, they were not pretty/attractive (they later had boyfriends and stuff, just not attractive in my eyes).

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Damnit! Why can I never have a platonic friend?

 

 

What can I do? Is it even possibe to have a true platonic friend of the opposite sex? In my experience,I'd say no.

 

 

 

Men have zero interest in being mere "friends" with women they wouldn't prefer to be banging. (so if he's your 'friend' - he'd really rather be banging you)

 

 

This isn't about "the opposite sex", because it isn't true of women.

 

 

If you want something near to male 'friends', get a job in a cubicle around a bunch of married guys, and then threaten them with sexual harrassment if they step over the line beyond coworker/friendship.

[KatZee]

Men have zero interest in being mere "friends" with women they wouldn't prefer to be banging. (so if he's your 'friend' - he'd really rather be banging you)

 

 

This isn't about "the opposite sex", because it isn't true of women.

 

 

If you want something near to male 'friends', get a job in a cubicle around a bunch of married guys, and then threaten them with sexual harrassment if they step over the line beyond coworker/friendship.

 

Yep, pretty much. If you're attractive, good luck finding a "platonic" male friend. I'm attractive as well, and I enjoy hanging out with guys over girls because of the cattiness and jealousy that goes along with many females, however the second I start hanging out with a guy, it ALWAYS gets twisted into something else.

 

The guy asking if they get a second date (who said this was a first!??!) or them trying to make moves, and just last weekend I went out with a bunch of my friends, and the next day my platonic friend (so I thought b/c he has a girlfriend!!) was like "oh things got flirty with us for a bit there!!" I was like .. 0_o?? I don't recall that happening at all. And apparently it was because I smiled at him. Not even kidding. Now I can't even smile for fear of it being interpreted as something else? This is pretty much why I DON'T smile at random guys I don't know, and when I don't then I get called out as a "bitch" or "why are you so angry?"

 

Just can't win.

[natwilliams]

As a guy, I think 95% of guys who "befriend" you, especially if you feel you have this happen a lot, are really thinking about a slow long-term seduction in the back of their minds. You have to just say you're dating someone, and if you're never solidly dating someone, I guess you just have to hint that you are to keep him in place.

I think it's possible to be friends with the opposite sex but only if the feelings die away. Ive had to cut the cord with a girl who was one of my best friends for many years because she never let go of the secret crush and it kept coming up in a passive aggressive way.

[pteromom]

I have plenty of opposite sex friends. Yes, some of them have told me they were attracted to me (and one told me he was in love with me!) but I have just stuck to my boundaries and told them outright that we are just friends.

 

The feelings eventually pass (or they become good at hiding them) if they continue being your friend.

 

I have watched nearly all my guy friends move on to marriage, and in many cases, they stayed friends with me.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

The following are two great personal testimonies:

 

 

 

Yep, pretty much. If you're attractive, good luck finding a "platonic" male friend. I'm attractive as well, and I enjoy hanging out with guys over girls because of the cattiness and jealousy that goes along with many females, however the second I start hanging out with a guy, it ALWAYS gets twisted into something else.

 

The guy asking if they get a second date (who said this was a first!??!) or them trying to make moves, and just last weekend I went out with a bunch of my friends, and the next day my platonic friend (so I thought b/c he has a girlfriend!!) was like "oh things got flirty with us for a bit there!!" I was like .. 0_o?? I don't recall that happening at all. And apparently it was because I smiled at him. Not even kidding. Now I can't even smile for fear of it being interpreted as something else? This is pretty much why I DON'T smile at random guys I don't know, and when I don't then I get called out as a "bitch" or "why are you so angry?"

 

Just can't win.

 

 

I can't even (step my mind into your shoes), but it is so educational to have a testimony - NOT because it supports my understanding, but more because it seems rather candid, AND because it causes me to see your kinda-sorta turning into a social alley and finding it a dead-end, and then needing to somehow maneuver out of it very carefully.

 

That's something we don't consider enough when looking from afar at all you have going for you in the way of beauty. Yet I wonder, too, whether those guys you ever attempt to befriend, are (probably unfairly) clustered (by your own design) a bit high on the 'looks' scale, so as to partly effect a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

 

I have plenty of opposite sex friends. Yes, some of them have told me they were attracted to me (and one told me he was in love with me!) but I have just stuck to my boundaries and told them outright that we are just friends.

 

The feelings eventually pass (or they become good at hiding them) if they continue being your friend.

 

I have watched nearly all my guy friends move on to marriage, and in many cases, they stayed friends with me.

 

 

This is not mutually exclusive with what I stated. I fully admit/agree that women are perfectly capable of (and socially wealthy enough to) have scores of male "friends". None of what you said reduces the chance that nearly all of those men would rather be banging you than be on your "friends ladder" (laddertheory.com).

 

Let me state clearly that I have nothing to suggest that women aren't perfectly willing and capable of maintaining their boundaries with those male 'hangers-on'. Yet when in discussion with one's primary partner, a woman probably shouldn't suggest or imply that those guys aren't all perched around for one reason. (and it ain't merely to have or offer a shoulder to cry on)

Edited November 16, 2012 by SincereOnlineGuy

[Onelife66]

Ya it's possible. Here is the truth. People love to be admired and flattered. And then the crush is revealed and it's like " oh how awkward, how dare they reveal these FEELINGS!" (So you were getting validation out of the relationship, so don't forget that part please. )

 

 

News flash people, humans develop feelings! Yes! It happens. At this point, maturity and communication is key. If you are truly friends or wish to be, then work through the awkwardness and share it with each other. That's what friends are for anyways right? If it ain't worth it though, chuck it like trash and restart somewhere else.

[CarrieT]

I have plenty of opposite sex friends. Yes, some of them have told me they were attracted to me (and one told me he was in love with me!) but I have just stuck to my boundaries and told them outright that we are just friends.

 

The feelings eventually pass (or they become good at hiding them) if they continue being your friend.

 

I have watched nearly all my guy friends move on to marriage, and in many cases, they stayed friends with me.

^^^^ THIS ^^^^

 

I have a handful of guy friends and we have often gone through the same thing; in some cases, these friends have been in my life for upwards of two and three decades - having gone through multiple relationships with other people. They are stalwart and true and I couldn't live without 'em!

[Aedra]

Urgh...story of my life. I keep feeling like I have to hold male friendships at arm's length and because of that, I do not believe they see me as a friend just some vagina they wanna get into. It deeply makes me question my capacity to have a friend at all. Every male friendship single over the years save one has ended poorly and they never talk to me again or I have to cut them out due to their creepiness or some other reason. It's depressing me beyond belief. I want some female friends yet I have trouble relating to most women I meet so it goes south. I guess I am just a bad friend due to my shyness, I have no idea. I lack self confidence so that's probably holding me back alot. I wish I could offer advice to others on this topic but I struggle so much with it myself.

Edited January 8, 2013 by Aedra

[WordvAction]

If you're talking to a member of the opposite sex and both of you are single, and he's not dating someone or talking about liking someone else, chances are someone is going to fall in my experience. Some people (your guy friends) are not going to get it and keep interpreting even simple things (such as a smile) as, "Dude, you think she likes me? She stared right into my eyes!".

[imtooconfused]

Despite the fact that I get along with women a whole lot better than I get along with men, I am one who believes that it’s almost impossible to be anything more than acquaintances with the opposite sex. I have developed strong feelings for several women friends in the past that was not reciprocal and the friendships eventually fell apart.

 

If you're talking to a member of the opposite sex and both of you are single, and he's not dating someone or talking about liking someone else, chances are someone is going to fall in my experience.

 

And that goes both ways women can develop a crush on a guy who wants to remain platonic just as easily. It has happened to me and I have had to break off a friendship or two for that reason. I also take issue with the idea that all men are just being friends with a woman to get into her pants. In my case friendship is a strong component of attraction and finding a compatible long-term life partner, not a quick joyride.

 

I am currently in a situation where I have to limit my contact with a friend because of strong feelings on my part and I see no alternative but to maintain an acquaintance relationship and no more. I very much respect her boundaries, but I cannot change the way I am or how I feel.