Why did this "friend" act this way towards me?

[SpiralOut]

I basically am no longer friends with someone. Long story short: she made all sorts of insensitive, self-absorbed comments to me all the time and I overlooked them and/or would try to argue with her about them. I said one critical thing to her that I believe needed to be said, and she responded to that by insulting me and I haven't heard from her since.

 

Looking back on it, I'm starting to wonder what was with her exactly that she would act that way? Here are some examples of things she would say . . .

 

- had a preoccupation with university and how stupid she thinks it is for people to do it because it's a waste of time that doesn't help you to get a job. I am someone who did that and ended up not getting a job afterwards, so of course this is annoying to hear. But I do understand where she's coming from, because I do think education is overrated and pushed too hard on people. So at first I empathized with her. But she wouldn't drop it. She brought it up again and again each time we hung out. I started to make comments like "um yes I went to university" but she would ignore that and just continue to talk badly about it. Next time we hung out, I began to argue with her about people I know who were able to actually get jobs with their degrees. She would brush it off with "they were just lucky"

 

 

Okay I understand you're jealous or whatever that all your friends are off to school and you chose to do just a 1 year college program instead, but you do realize who you're complaining to, right? Why are you complaining to ME about this?

 

I wouldn't have minded this too much if it weren't for other things like

 

- her getting angry about people who keep their receipts. She knew I did this yet complained about me to our waiter, right in front of me, about how she doesn't understand why "people" (me) do this. I waited until we were outside the restaurant and confronted her about it and she sort of calmed down and admitted there was nothing wrong with it.

 

- talking about how much she wants to get married and have kids. That's fine. But then made a comment about "if I were you right now I would be freaking out" (i'm single, no children). Gee thanks!!

 

- more comments about money and how she doesn't understand how I manage. She knows I make less than her. Which I take as sort of a compliment. But then she goes on to talk about not even working 5 days a week, and talks about all the money she spends on things. Okay, so this isn't a personal attack against me, but it's insensitive.

 

- she asked me at least three times within a year period if I work full-time or part-time. Okay, I don't expect people to know every detail of my worklife, but that's kind of a major thing to know. And asking me three times is a lot of times to ask. Even if she wasn't sure, how hard is it to logic it out? I live in a one bedroom apartment alone. She knows that. How could I possibly pay my bills working parttime?

 

- kept making comments about how surprised she is that I'm the one she spends time with now that college is over because she was so much closer to two other people. I know she's upset that she's not in touch with these other people anymore, but these comments aren't nice to hear, it kinda gives me the impression I'm her consolation prize or something

 

- she doesn't want to meet up unless she has no other plans and she's in a bad mood about having nothing to do for the weekend

 

- she makes various comments about where she thinks I should meet guys. she doesn't seem to understand or care that I have reasons for not wanting to do that right now. she only half listens and doesn't really ask any questions when the subject of dating comes up, she just encourages me to date that guy again without bothering to ask me if he's even nice

 

- she's not very good about trying to meet halfway. She did a few times, but more often than not it was me going to her end of the city due to whatever reason she had. She would only meet me on my end if she was able to borrow a car or was planning to be there to do something else anyway.

 

The comment I finally said to her was about her dog that she got. I don't understand why buy a dog after complaining about not making much money and dogs are expensive to look after, plus she lives in a small apartment and it's a big dog, which IMO is irresponsible. She goes away almost every weekend. And she told me that she got him because she had nobody to go to the gym with anymore so now she can use the dog as motivation to go for walks. I just said, "you got a dog because you don't want to go to the gym anymore??"

 

Maybe I shouldn't have said it, but I don't know. I have a friend who calls me out on my behaviour like that sometimes and I appreciate it even though it can be hard to hear sometimes. But she didn't take it well. She started making comments about her "real" friends, "the ones that matter" don't live in our city (okay so I am not a friend who matters, thank you for clarifying that), and yadda yadda yadda.

 

I haven't heard from her since. Well okay. I guess it's okay for her to act like a stuck-up bitch to me all the time but I call her out on something she's doing that's stupid and she just can't handle it! She can dish it out but she can't take it!!

 

Good riddance!

 

Oh right and she lost her best friend because the friend got fed up with listening to her whining and complaining about everything all the time. Looks like she didn't learn her lesson!!

Edited October 27, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

Never mind, I shouldn't have even posted this. It's pretty clear that she was just using me as someone to take her frustrations out on when she had nobody better to be around. Then I lost my temper finally and decided to criticize her to see how she would handle it. She needs to believe her life choices are the right ones and everyone else's are wrong because it makes her feel better.

[freestyle]

Nothing wrong with posting---I'm guessing it helps to vent it out.

 

And just maybe--maybe someone who behaves like your friend, will read your story, and have a light bulb moment about themselves.

 

(or someone else with a bullying friend will see that they're not alone, and will gain some insight into what they're dealing with themselves.)

 

Spiral, I see you as growing more and more all the time, after reading your posts for the past few months--learning how to weed out the friendships that are lopsided, or just plain toxic. I personally believe that the more we stand up for ourselves in relationships (of all kinds) the more we'll begin to attract healthier relationships/friendships.

 

I've done some major weeding in my friendship garden as well--it's been painful to let some of them go, but when a relationship causes more stress than it brings happiness, it's not worth the energy. It just becomes a drain.

[SpiralOut]

Nothing wrong with posting---I'm guessing it helps to vent it out.

 

And just maybe--maybe someone who behaves like your friend, will read your story, and have a light bulb moment about themselves.

 

(or someone else with a bullying friend will see that they're not alone, and will gain some insight into what they're dealing with themselves.)

 

Spiral, I see you as growing more and more all the time, after reading your posts for the past few months--learning how to weed out the friendships that are lopsided, or just plain toxic. I personally believe that the more we stand up for ourselves in relationships (of all kinds) the more we'll begin to attract healthier relationships/friendships.

 

I've done some major weeding in my friendship garden as well--it's been painful to let some of them go, but when a relationship causes more stress than it brings happiness, it's not worth the energy. It just becomes a drain.

 

Thank you . . .

 

She's the first person in a while whom I've felt wronged by but at the same time I don't see her as a terrible person. I tolerated her behaviour for as long as I did because I can see where she's coming from. I've been in a similar place before. She's about 6 years younger than me, so when I'm around her I feel like I can read her really well as I see her deal with things I've gone through. She is too wrapped up in her own little world to see how she's acting. She's not the type to ever deliberately hurt someone's feelings.

 

However, that doesn't mean I should put up with it. I mean she wasn't even happy for me when something good happened for me with work earlier this year. We're in the same field, so when I told her my news she started talking about how glad she is that she's doing what she's doing because blahblah.

 

Sigh.

 

I guess it just hurts to find out that I didn't actually mean much to her. If she changes her mind later when her friends are too busy for her, and she contacts me again, I'll just say I'm too busy. I might possibly consider trying again with her in the future but I need to see some sign that she's changed.

[SpiralOut]

She just contacted me to say we should hang out again.

 

I just received the message now so I'm not responding yet. I'm not sure if this is something that can be resolved by talking to her about things. She's a reasonable person, not the type to hurt someone on purpose. Maybe it's easy for me to forgive her because I see a lot of myself in some of the things she's doing. I know that I took things out on some people in the past when I was unhappy with myself.

 

Maybe I should talk to her? I don't know. I'm actually busy the next couple of weeks so I'm not sure if I want to do anything right now anyway.

Edited November 20, 2012 by SpiralOut

[darkmoon]

imho these dominant ppl need submissive ppl around them in order to feel superior and yet when it comes to dealing with authority figures they are capable of acting meek and pleasant and submissive too

 

to me, she's a bit like that woman at your workplace, how she was with your boss

 

i've been put in the role of what i learned to see as the stooge (the lowly sidekick) myself in relation to these dominant types and i just drop them now as soon as i see the sign/s...maybe their tone of voice (downright hateful sometimes) their put downs

 

dropping them or just remarking on thier behaviour can turn them possessive titanic and furious! please don't be her stooge, get rid, i say

Edited November 20, 2012 by darkmoon

[SpiralOut]

Just updating to say that I responded to her message by asking her if she still needed to go shopping for something. It's something I've been planning to go buy anyway, so I figured she can go with me if she wants to hang out so badly.

 

No response from her whatsoever. Seriously? Why even post a message like that to me and then not even bother to respond? She sent it to me shortly after posting a bitchy message on facebook complaining about her life and how she hates people who don't know how good they have it. She threw a fit, decided that talking to me might help her feel better, then something better came along while waiting for my response and she decided she didn't care anymore.

 

I think she's miserable and wanted to make me feel bad. She wants to see me as worse off than her but I'm not. I took a risk and went to univeristy which she made no effort to do. She's very bitter about it. I lived her dream. I lived with a boyfriend for a while, and in the meantime she can't get any of hers to act with real committment or seriousness. So what if things aren't the best for me right now. I still accomplished some things.

 

There've been a couple of other times last year when she sent me text messages, but when I responded she didn't answer to those either. Why even send me a message and then not answer when I answer it? Wtf? She's really full of herself.

 

I don't want to be around her. She's too busy trying to feel like she's better than everyone.

Edited December 30, 2012 by SpiralOut

[NoMagicBullet]

Hey, SpiralOut, I saw in your other thread that Jen is leaving your department, so I hope eventually she is gone (and stays that way).

 

This other person seems to have little to no ability to evaluate her own words and actions or correctly interpret the responses she gets from others. A lot like Jen. I find it a bit worrisome that you've attracted "friends" like this into your life, although it seems you are doing well these days in recognizing the bad behaviour and drawing boundaries.

 

Whatever is going on with her, it's about her, not you. I don't believe that how you feel about how she acts ever consciously crosses her mind. I don't think she's actually out to make you feel bad, but it's more like you said: "She's too busy trying to feel like she's better than everyone." My guess is she's very insecure, and that's why she acts that way -- to convince herself of her own value. The are other, more positive ways to affirm one's value, but she has chosen to go a negative route, as some people do.

 

Whenever I see consistenly bad behaviour like this, especially in people who do have some good qualities, I can often see the underlying insecurities that are motivating it. (Not to say that there aren't people who are just flat-out sociopaths verus being insecure, but those people are rare.)

 

I suggest reminding yourself that it's not about you at all, and this person, like Jen, is operating from her own sense of insecurity. Become less emotionally invested in how they treat you, so it doesn't upset you so much. Just know that they won't treat you the way you want to be treated and avoid or minimize contact as necessary. If you can reach a place where all you really feel is sorrow and pity* that they are controlled by their insecurities and are unlikely to change, then I think you'll be a lot closer to getting some inner peace on the matter.

 

*I mean true pity, where you really feel sorry that things can't be different for the person, because that person's life could be better. Not the ego-driven "pity" that they can't treat you well enough to have you as a real friend in their life, nor the aggressive "pity", like Mr.T saying "I pity the fool that...." (And I've totally just dated myself with the Mr. T reference. )

[SpiralOut]

Hey, SpiralOut, I saw in your other thread that Jen is leaving your department, so I hope eventually she is gone (and stays that way).

 

This other person seems to have little to no ability to evaluate her own words and actions or correctly interpret the responses she gets from others. A lot like Jen. I find it a bit worrisome that you've attracted "friends" like this into your life, although it seems you are doing well these days in recognizing the bad behaviour and drawing boundaries.

 

Whatever is going on with her, it's about her, not you. I don't believe that how you feel about how she acts ever consciously crosses her mind. I don't think she's actually out to make you feel bad, but it's more like you said: "She's too busy trying to feel like she's better than everyone." My guess is she's very insecure, and that's why she acts that way -- to convince herself of her own value. The are other, more positive ways to affirm one's value, but she has chosen to go a negative route, as some people do.

 

Whenever I see consistenly bad behaviour like this, especially in people who do have some good qualities, I can often see the underlying insecurities that are motivating it. (Not to say that there aren't people who are just flat-out sociopaths verus being insecure, but those people are rare.)

 

I suggest reminding yourself that it's not about you at all, and this person, like Jen, is operating from her own sense of insecurity. Become less emotionally invested in how they treat you, so it doesn't upset you so much. Just know that they won't treat you the way you want to be treated and avoid or minimize contact as necessary. If you can reach a place where all you really feel is sorrow and pity* that they are controlled by their insecurities and are unlikely to change, then I think you'll be a lot closer to getting some inner peace on the matter.

)

 

Thanks. I also find it worrisome that I attract these people. I have been trying to figure out why? Maybe it's because I used to be a person who had it all together. There was a point when I was doing well in my life, and now I'm not anymore - not on the outside, anyway. Maybe they see that in me, and it makes them feel better to see a formerly happy person fall down and fail.

 

This girl didn't hurt me too much with her insults. It just hurts to find out that she's not a friend after all. If it weren't for her insecurity, we could be good friends. I still like her as a person but I can't talk to her when she's like this. I feel bad for her. I understand why she acts the way she does.

 

I guess that's the difference between these two women. The first, I actually liked and can understand where she's coming from. The Jen woman was never my friend. She just thought she was. She hit me really hard with her insults because she grabbed onto my worst insecurities and attacked them. That's harder to forgive. I feel resentment towards her because she got in my way last year. I had a new job, new apartment, making a fresh start in my life and feeling happy about it, and then there's this Jen chick attacking me and roadblocking me. I pity her but am still angry with her. No matter how hard I try to understand her, I just can't see where she's coming from.

 

Ugh, I don't know. I've asked my best friend why do I attract these people and she doesn't know why. She told me that "you're just really, really nice." So maybe I'm attracting people who want to take advantage of that.

Edited December 31, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I think I understand it better now. Jen put me down for my social skills because that's what she feels insecure about.

 

Kinda like how this former friend of mine put me down for my single-status and for my education/career because those are the things she feels bad about.

 

It has nothing to do with whether or not they're actually better than me or not. I understood this with my former friend because I don't feel bad about those things and I KNOW she was rude because she's mad/jealous.

 

I didn't understand it with Jen because she put me down for something I feel genuinely insecure about. I don't think I've ever met anyone before who felt threatened by my social skills or outgoingness. Why would they be? I'm pretty shy and quiet, normally. When my outgoing side came out all of a sudden I became a threat.

 

She got to me because I don't believe it's possible for someone to feel threatened or jealous of my personality. I just assumed she said those things because it's true that I suck. I just assumed that she was good at talking to people. I didn't realize at the time that she's good at surface charm but not so great at making deeper conversation that goes beyond "how are you today." It never occured to me that I may have something she wants.

 

Does this mean that I'm actually good at talking to people? Making them laugh, being interesting? What a weird concept.

Edited January 1, 2013 by SpiralOut

[NoMagicBullet]

Thanks. I also find it worrisome that I attract these people. I have been trying to figure out why? Maybe it's because I used to be a person who had it all together. There was a point when I was doing well in my life, and now I'm not anymore - not on the outside, anyway. Maybe they see that in me, and it makes them feel better to see a formerly happy person fall down and fail.

...

Ugh, I don't know. I've asked my best friend why do I attract these people and she doesn't know why. She told me that "you're just really, really nice." So maybe I'm attracting people who want to take advantage of that.

 

Hard to say, but when things in life take a turn for the worse, that's when you find out if your friends were really friends. Maybe these people were always a bit more superficial than you realized? Also, people do grow and change over the years and some not so much. You may have outgrown that friend and other people. When that happens, people can get kind of snarky and resentful because you're not the person they knew, out of some undefined sense of betrayal. It's not betrayal, it's just life, and friendhips naturally do end because of it.

 

Think you may be right about her being unhappy with herself -- her making snide remarks about your life may be a way for her to express that unhappiness with her own. It's easier to criticize or put somone else down for not being what we want to be than it is to face our own lack or failures and do something about it. Dang, I just realized that's one of the reasons I post advice here! Not to put people down, but to tell them straight the kinds of things that I myself (have) need(ed) to do in similar situations in my life. I try to practice what I preach... I really, really do.

 

I've been "really, really nice" -- i.e. too nice, such that I haven't kept goo boundaries. Fortunately I haven't attracted to many people as pathological as Jen (except my ex), but that's partly luck of the draw and that most people, even if flawed, are fairly decent.

 

 

I think I understand it better now. Jen put me down for my social skills because that's what she feels insecure about.

 

Kinda like how this former friend of mine put me down for my single-status and for my education/career because those are the things she feels bad about.

 

...

 

I didn't understand it with Jen because she put me down for something I feel genuinely insecure about. I don't think I've ever met anyone before who felt threatened by my social skills or outgoingness. Why would they be? ... It never occured to me that I may have something she wants.

 

Does this mean that I'm actually good at talking to people? Making them laugh, being interesting? What a weird concept.

 

Maybe you are better with people than you give yourself credit for. Maybe you are getting better every day at it -- it seems like you are, from what you've posted here.

 

Jen is... well, I kind of think that whatever she's got going on can only be sorted out with professional help. Yeah, she's definitely insecure. But whatever her issues are, they are definitely about her and not you. You were just one of the unlucky people to cross her path.

Edited January 2, 2013 by NoMagicBullet
clarification

[SpiralOut]

Thanks magicbullet. It did occur to me that maybe there were feelings of being betrayed. I've changed a lot. But true friends accept that and don't expect someone to stay the same forever. The friends I've known for years can see that I'm going through things and they know I'm still me on the inside. It's the people who tried to get to know me on a superficial level who are surprised. They don't know me, not really.

 

This girl sent me a message this week telling me she's leaving the country at the end of next month and we need to get together. She always does that, says we should get together then says "oh I'm busy for the next few weeks" when I ask her when does she want to meet up and what does she want to do. It is SO annoying. So I just told her to text me on my cell since I don't check FB that much anymore. She reponded by telling me she's busy but she'll tell me when she's available.

 

I bet you anything she won't bother to text me. That's sort of why I asked her to. In this situation I don't think it would be kind of me to tell her to f*** off. I'd rather pass the ball to her and let her drop it.

[SpiralOut]

She has left the country. Last month she posted a LONG message on my FB wall for everyone to see about how she is leaving, and we "need" to get together. I asked her if she had my phone number still. She said she didn't. I sent her my cell number and told her I am more easily reached by phone. Then I asked her when was she thinking of getting together. She said she didn't know when because she is busy for the next couple of weeks, but that she'll let me know when. Okay then.

 

A few weeks pass and she hasn't contacted me. On her birthday I send her a happy birthday text. She responds with "who is this?"

 

 

She doesn't act embarassed in the slightest when I respond " . . . . . . . . . it's SpiralOut. . . . . . . . . . .".

 

On Valentine's Day, she sent me a text in the middle of the afternoon asking if I'm busy that night. I don't get the message until I get home late, around 10-11pm. I respond telling her that I was busy with yoga class after work. I asked her what's up? No response. Okay. Why on earth did you even bother to send me a text, then you can't respond when I respond to it? You could at least let me know what you wanted earlier. I know she's ignoring it on purpose because she's the type who just carries her phone everywhere and checks it every two seconds.

 

She updates her FB every day counting down until she leaves, then yesterday she posted like 10 updates about her adventures at the airport.

 

 

I really don't think she's with it. I hope that while she's over there she learns to stop being so egotistical.

[GG3]

How old are you and how old is this girl?

[SpiralOut]

UPDATE: ONE YEAR LATER

 

 

She has contacted me again. She took a photo of herself doing yoga and put it on my FB wall, since we used to do yoga class together. She wanted me to see that she has made progress with it. Well that's great, but I'm still irritated with her. I gave a generic "that's good for you!" and she responded by telling me what she remembers about hanging out with me. I gave another neutral reply and asked how she was, and she actually responded to that. I haven't said anything else yet.

 

 

At Christmas, she wrote a post saying "I'm sorry to the following people for not having time to see you while I'm home for the holidays." I was tagged in it, along with about 8 other people. She had never messaged me to say Merry Christmas, yet I get told "sorry I'm too busy to talk to you" via a mass public message.

 

 

I don't know if she is talking to me because she is super bored, or if she has changed and genuinely misses talking to me. I feel like such a sucker for wanting to believe that someone might have changed.

Edited March 13, 2014 by SpiralOut

[whichwayisup]

Why is she still on your facebook? Delete her.

[SpiralOut]

Good point . . . she keeps taking pictures of herself doing backbends and posting them. It strikes me as narcissistic . . .

[preraph]

She's insensitive, yes. I think your personality is not to call her on things, more than other people's might be, and so she thinks it doesn't bother you and just escalates it. See, I'd have had something strong to say back to her just about every one of her comments, and not all of the comments would have bothered me, to be honest.

 

I agree with you that I hate to see anyone get a dog who lives in an apartment, especially a big one, but really any. Dogs are pack animals and need another dog, too, and 5 times more exericise than most humans can give them. On the plus side, maybe the love of a dog is just what she needs, so I hope it works out for them. Because clearly she's not a people person.

[SpiralOut]

The dog didn't work out for her because she ran off to China 6 months after getting him. She still refers to it as "her" dog even though she doesn't take care of it anymore and probably never will again.

 

I finally deleted her off FB today. I am sick of getting all these ****ing pictures of herself doing yoga poses. EVERY DAY. Who the hell takes a picture of themselves doing yoga every day? And then shows it to everyone? I do yoga too but I don't do that. Why not? Because I don't do it to impress people!! That's not what it's about!!

 

And in all the time since she's moved away, the only time she contacted me was to show me a picture of herself. She's got her head up her ass!!

 

Good riddance!!

Edited July 31, 2014 by SpiralOut

[ajheart]

Thanks. I also find it worrisome that I attract these people. I have been trying to figure out why? Maybe it's because I used to be a person who had it all together. There was a point when I was doing well in my life, and now I'm not anymore - not on the outside, anyway. Maybe they see that in me, and it makes them feel better to see a formerly happy person fall down and fail.

 

This girl didn't hurt me too much with her insults. It just hurts to find out that she's not a friend after all. If it weren't for her insecurity, we could be good friends. I still like her as a person but I can't talk to her when she's like this. I feel bad for her. I understand why she acts the way she does.

 

I guess that's the difference between these two women. The first, I actually liked and can understand where she's coming from. The Jen woman was never my friend. She just thought she was. She hit me really hard with her insults because she grabbed onto my worst insecurities and attacked them. That's harder to forgive. I feel resentment towards her because she got in my way last year. I had a new job, new apartment, making a fresh start in my life and feeling happy about it, and then there's this Jen chick attacking me and roadblocking me. I pity her but am still angry with her. No matter how hard I try to understand her, I just can't see where she's coming from.

 

Ugh, I don't know. I've asked my best friend why do I attract these people and she doesn't know why. She told me that "you're just really, really nice." So maybe I'm attracting people who want to take advantage of that.

 

Maybe you're attracted to people who are very different and often, that happens to be the crazies?