who makes the first gesture? Is it 'respect' or 'being too needy' ??

[Teknoe]

Got a small issue with a friend.

 

She initiated me to come over Saturday to pick something up. I wasn't quite sure what so I asked for clarification 2 hours later. She then turned cold on me (don't know if she got busy or what, but her responses were slow and she's usually not like that). I also asked if she wanted to see a movie later that night but she was very non-committal so I dropped it.

 

Then I emailed her later that same night to ask if she could help me out tomorrow (Sunday). When I received no reply by Sunday afternoon, I called her and it went to (full) voice mail box.

 

She has not contacted me since, nor have I.

 

Feels a bit weird. We were talking quite a bit the past couple months... but after she asked me to come over and I "didn't jump on it" per se, she got pretty cold on me it seems. I don't know if she got busy but at least I would have appreciated a reply from her.

 

So now I almost want to ask her "Hey what happened Sunday?" but I don't want to come across as that overly needy friend. But on the other hand, what about respect? When I was busy, at least I told her so. I honestly feel like I have been dissed. At the very least she could have sent me a text Sunday saying "Sorry can't make it!" Instead, she left me hanging in suspense. I dunno if I should ask her about this, or just drop it. Is it self-respect if I call her out on it, or is it me being overly dramatic and sensitive if I DO call her out on it? Which one is it?

 

So I'm not sure what to do. I tell myself "no contact" until she contacts me, but everyday something happens that makes me wanna text her, but so far I've displayed pretty good self control.

 

Any thoughts?

 

I wonder if I don't contact her again, when she will contact me next and with what bit of info? I don't know but I think I offended her when I didn't jump on her Saturday offer of coming over. I was busy and couldn't respond until 2 hours later, and when I did, I might have came off as wishy washy. i.e. instead of saying sure what's your address? I was like "What cards are you talking about? Are you home? I can stop by"

 

I dunno, maybe I'm overthinking it again.

Edited September 26, 2012 by Teknoe

[Taramere]

Feels a bit weird. We were talking quite a bit the past couple months... but after she asked me to come over and I "didn't jump on it" per se, she got pretty cold on me it seems.

 

Does she tend to be a taker/user?

 

The sulky "going cold when you don't jump to her command" behaviour you describe smacks a little of powerplay on her part...and that's something I've tended to find in people who are a little exploitative in their friendship. Almost like a subtle "this friendship should matter more to you than it does to me" message. When you're experiencing that vibe it's time to question how much priority you should give that friendship.

 

I tend to keep an open door for most people who I've felt a bit pissed off/disrespected by - giving them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they were just having a bad day. Up until recently, I've always felt that was a good way to be. Don't bear grudges/sulk etc...but recently I've been rethinking that. Suddenly I feel as though by doing that I'm sending out a message to other people that it's okay to disrespect me. That there will be no consequences for it.

 

Maybe it's wrong to welcome those people back into my life (after a slight rift or distance) so easily. It's one thing to do that with people who are of a non grudge bearing temperament, as essentially you're giving back what you get from them. When it comes to sulky and grudge-bearing types, though, I think they tend to perceive that approach as doormattish. I've been thinking a fair bit about that, and decided it's time to start eliminating people like that from my life. It leaves me with fewer friends, of course, but the ones left are the ones who actually make me happy...and by starting to weed others out, I think you make room for new friendships to grow.

 

That is, however, where I'm at and I don't want my own issues to cloud the advice I give you. How long have you been friends with this girl, and is this scenario one you've encountered with her before?

Edited September 30, 2012 by Taramere

[freestyle]

Good post , Taramere. I could've written it myself, a few years ago.

 

Just in the past couple of years, I've reached the conclusion that I needed to "weed my garden" of a few friendships that were emotionally draining.

 

I'd long held the belief that forgiveness was imperative, and that it was wrong to hold grudges. "life's too short"......was my mantra.

 

It still is--but I've changed the meaning...

 

Life IS far too short--too short to spend energy on friendships that aren't mutually respectful. I don't need the stress, and aggravation, and heartache.

 

I'll cut anyone some slack for having a bad day, but once I start to see a consistent pattern of shabby treatment (like an inequitable division of airtime in a conversation, for example)---I'm much quicker to reframe my expectations of a friendship.

[Teknoe]

Does she tend to be a taker/user?

 

Not that I can see. She's more of a helper. In fact, she has helped me out early on. I've known her since March 2012, but we didn't really start talking until June.

 

I however have missed some opportunities to help her. I feel bad about that, but when she asked for moving help I slept through her text. I later did not have my phone on me when she asked for help (i.e. she had a rough day and asked for me to call her if I have the stomach for it). Weird how when I don't have my phone on me (rarely I do this), she contacts me. It's almost like fate doesn't want us to connect.

 

I should mention she does have a BF whom she has voiced displeasure with to me, and that I've recently developed a crush on her.

 

Update: I am supposed to visit her tonight to pick something up. So we'll see how that goes.

[Taramere]

Not that I can see. She's more of a helper. In fact, she has helped me out early on. I've known her since March 2012, but we didn't really start talking until June.

 

I however have missed some opportunities to help her. I feel bad about that, but when she asked for moving help I slept through her text. I later did not have my phone on me when she asked for help (i.e. she had a rough day and asked for me to call her if I have the stomach for it). Weird how when I don't have my phone on me (rarely I do this), she contacts me. It's almost like fate doesn't want us to connect.

 

Ah, okay. In that case perhaps she's been feeling that it's a bit of a one way friendship. That she's there for you, but not vice versa.

 

I should mention she does have a BF whom she has voiced displeasure with to me, and that I've recently developed a crush on her.

I didn't realise you were a guy. Since you are, and as it also sounds as though there's more to this than platonic friendship, that throws a new light on the situation. This is a different dynamic to one of mere friendship - especially if she's getting fed up with the boyfriend and has been offloading to you about it. Perhaps her coldness is less about feeling let down by you, and more to do with her feeling uncertainty about her relationship - with further confusion resulting from her having a friendship with a guy who she perhaps has chemistry with.

[Teknoe]

Well things have sort of bombed. She got very cold on me... and I became way too needy/easy in the friendship. Whatever momentum I had with her has been slashed.

 

I picked my dignity off the floor when I emailed her yesterday letting her know I won't be able to stop by this week, take care and have a good week. I feel it was a brief, to the point, classy reply. Basically, I wanted to pick something up that she had on Sunday, but she said she wouldn't be back til evening. Then she kinda ducked the question when I later told her "OK let me know about tonight."

 

Ended up giving me some BS-sounding excuses, and I could tell something had changed. I got her to agree to meet up mid-week but after taking 24 hours to think about it, I see how desperate I had become. To save her and myself, I cancelled it (I probably cancelled it before she could cancel it herself)

 

I was hurting for a good 24 hours or so, but feel better now, though still in a little pain.

 

I'm now going on no contact. If we are to talk again, she's gonna have to initiate.

 

Onwards! Hopefully, I learned more things about women and how I operate through this whole experience.

[todreaminblue]

Got a small issue with a friend.

 

She initiated me to come over Saturday to pick something up. I wasn't quite sure what so I asked for clarification 2 hours later. She then turned cold on me (don't know if she got busy or what, but her responses were slow and she's usually not like that). I also asked if she wanted to see a movie later that night but she was very non-committal so I dropped it.

 

Then I emailed her later that same night to ask if she could help me out tomorrow (Sunday). When I received no reply by Sunday afternoon, I called her and it went to (full) voice mail box.

 

She has not contacted me since, nor have I.

 

Feels a bit weird. We were talking quite a bit the past couple months... but after she asked me to come over and I "didn't jump on it" per se, she got pretty cold on me it seems. I don't know if she got busy but at least I would have appreciated a reply from her.

 

So now I almost want to ask her "Hey what happened Sunday?" but I don't want to come across as that overly needy friend. But on the other hand, what about respect? When I was busy, at least I told her so. I honestly feel like I have been dissed. At the very least she could have sent me a text Sunday saying "Sorry can't make it!" Instead, she left me hanging in suspense. I dunno if I should ask her about this, or just drop it. Is it self-respect if I call her out on it, or is it me being overly dramatic and sensitive if I DO call her out on it? Which one is it?

 

So I'm not sure what to do. I tell myself "no contact" until she contacts me, but everyday something happens that makes me wanna text her, but so far I've displayed pretty good self control.

 

Any thoughts?

 

I wonder if I don't contact her again, when she will contact me next and with what bit of info? I don't know but I think I offended her when I didn't jump on her Saturday offer of coming over. I was busy and couldn't respond until 2 hours later, and when I did, I might have came off as wishy washy. i.e. instead of saying sure what's your address? I was like "What cards are you talking about? Are you home? I can stop by"

 

I dunno, maybe I'm overthinking it again.

 

 

I had something similar happen i drop it.....sometimes people dont reply or show up when they are supposed too things happen i am guilty of these myself.....even though most of the time I do say hey cant make it.....something along those lines.....

 

i have had the rudest thing happen to me that i haven't had happen before with a friend, I have had it happen with exes but not with a friend and it confused me a little......

 

 

 

I just think that people have changed over the years and maybe i have been too reclusive.....for the past five years and its passed me by a little....;0).....i am not bringing it up here i haven't had time to process it yet......

 

i didnt speak up at the time......maybe i should have......i actually more or less did the same thing to someone else one day later......i thought about that and i went back and apologised because i know how crappy it made me feel.I didn't want this other friend to feel like that..gods lesson to me maybe...because i remembered it straight away how i felt when it happened to me......who knows....whatever it was i had to learn ....i made the friend i did it too feel better....so i dealt with it that way...that made me feel better about the whole situation...everybody makes mistakes i just apologise for mine.....and not everybody is like me...you should probably thank god for that......one of me is plenty....lol..deb

[kalaslsl]

Is better that the relationship ended.

Been there before and tried to remained friends with someone that treated me rudely, thinking she was going to change and be back to her old sweet self.

But later I found out that whenever she didn't wanted to be friends with someone she didn't say it directly, she just started acting rude to that person and then not talking to them until the friendship ended, so I wasn't the first one she did that to. I'm now glad our friendship is over and you'll feel the same way too.

In fact when you remember her in the future you'll laugh about the whole thing.

[Teknoe]

Is better that the relationship ended.

Been there before and tried to remained friends with someone that treated me rudely, thinking she was going to change and be back to her old sweet self.

But later I found out that whenever she didn't wanted to be friends with someone she didn't say it directly, she just started acting rude to that person and then not talking to them until the friendship ended, so I wasn't the first one she did that to. I'm now glad our friendship is over and you'll feel the same way too.

In fact when you remember her in the future you'll laugh about the whole thing.

 

 

Like a weak idiot, I contacted her first. I simply asked her "how was your week?"

 

She said "Hi, it was okay. Yours?"

 

Then I sent her a typical enthusiastic, oversharing type email. Well, not oversharing if you're close with someone, but we aren't "close" at the moment. 2 weeks ago, yes. But right now there's been a funky riff. Anyway, this is what I do. I cling until I find someone new. I guess I just really want a close attractive female friend that I just share everything with. It's my weakness and the one thing I've constantly searched for all my life.

 

It looked promising with this one, but then I made some "bad mistakes" and didn't capitalize where I could have.

 

I dunno. I probably need to see a therapist, lol. I've just always wanted that kind of relationship with a girl, but have never been able to have for too long.

[Abystarswoman]

I guess I just really want a close attractive female friend that I just share everything with. It's my weakness and the one thing I've constantly searched for all my life.

 

I cling until I find someone new.

 

That second statement, right there, is why you're having trouble; because I can tell you now, as a female and an ex-"clinger" myself, people are completely and totally turned OFF by that. I learned how unattractive that behavior was when I was subjected to it myself by someone I had been dating; there is nothing worse than someone who reeks of desperation.

 

Even worse, the dynamic that I'm seeing is that this girl is "playing you". She knows that the first quoted statement is your weakness; so she's going to pout and play these little games where she gets all pissy with you because you didn't say "how high?" when she commanded you to jump. Look at how cold she became when you said that you couldn't do her a favor - is this how a true friend would behave?

 

Honestly, I think you should reconsider sharing anything with this person at this point. She doesn't sound to me like she knows what the meaning of the word "friend" really is - never mind "girlfriend" or "potential romantic interest".

[Teknoe]

That second statement, right there, is why you're having trouble; because I can tell you now, as a female and an ex-"clinger" myself, people are completely and totally turned OFF by that. I learned how unattractive that behavior was when I was subjected to it myself by someone I had been dating; there is nothing worse than someone who reeks of desperation.

 

Even worse, the dynamic that I'm seeing is that this girl is "playing you". She knows that the first quoted statement is your weakness; so she's going to pout and play these little games where she gets all pissy with you because you didn't say "how high?" when she commanded you to jump. Look at how cold she became when you said that you couldn't do her a favor - is this how a true friend would behave?

 

Honestly, I think you should reconsider sharing anything with this person at this point. She doesn't sound to me like she knows what the meaning of the word "friend" really is - never mind "girlfriend" or "potential romantic interest".

 

Yup, I got desperate and it probably scared/turned her off. I was at one point the fun casual guy. Now I'm the overly easy, clingy guy. Not good.

 

Agreed that I need to just let her go. I just have to accept that "our time" together has come to an end, and accept it as for the better as opposed to worse. I'll find better. Then, I need to learn from past mistakes and not be clingy.