I don't want to go to her birthday lunch, but don't know how to say no

[moveon]

My co-worker (I'll call her Miss A) and I been working in the same dept. for a long time. We get along ok all these years and I consider her a friend at work. We go out for our birthday lunch, have coffee together on our breaks occasionally etc.

 

Few months ago, she made a "very offensive" comment about me. I was very upset and offended by that. I was hurt becuase I felt that she has betrayed me. Few days later, she apologized to me and I accepted her apologies because we work in the same dept. and see each other everyday. I don't like to have conflict at work place.

 

Since the incident, I've been keeping a distant from her, I don't talk to her unless she initiates the conversation. Otherwise, I just talk to her relating to work only.

 

Anyway, make the long story short, her birthday is coming up soon. My other co-worker (whom I also friend with) asked me about taking "Miss A" out for her birthday lunch. I haven't answered her yet. But I don't feel like going, I feel that my friendship with "Miss A" have drifted apart since that time. I hate to say that but I don't think I like to be friend with her anymore. I now only consider her as another colleague at work.

 

I really don't want to go to her birthday lunch as I would feel awkward and I don't want to be so fake and pretend that I'm still her friend. If I don't go, she would probably be upset at me for not going. She is a very sensitive. What is the best way to deal with this situation ? Need some help and advice on the best way to say "no" and not going to the lunch ? Thanks

[january2011]

If questioned, (and only if questioned) you could be honest and say that you want to keep things strictly professional and you don't plan to attend but wish her a happy birthday anyway and sign the group card, if there is one.

 

You could let bygones be bygones but, in my opinion, there are some things that once said cannot be unsaid and they have permanent repercussions. Your colleague should have thought of that before she made the "very offensive" comment about you.

 

Don't make a big deal out of this. People and friendships can change and it's not necessarily anyone's fault -though in this case, it all seems to have started because of her remark.

 

If she says that she apologised and therefore it should all be okay now, just tell her that your acceptance of her apology still holds but from now on you'd like to keep things strictly professional between the two of you. Wish her a happy birthday and that you hope she enjoys her lunch. Then just get back to your work.

[moveon]

January,

Thanks for your valuable advice. It helps me a lot !!

I totally agree with you that "some things that once said cannot be unsaid and they have permanent repercussions". I've tried very hard to put it behind me, although I have accepted her apology, but every time when I see her, it reminds me of the "mean remark" she said and seems like I cannot forgive and forget. I just cannot believe what she said would come out from her mouth.

 

"Miss A" will probably question my other colleague (who will be organizing the lunch) why I'm not going to her birthday lunch. I hate put the stress on my other colleague. She asked me what she should tell Miss A if she asks which she probably will.

 

Am I making the right decision for not going ? if I don't go, I'm sure she is going to have resentment towards me.

 

I'm wondering if you were in my position, what would you do ????

[january2011]

I think repeating that you'd like to keep it strictly professional between you and Miss A should suffice and that you don't want to go into it. If I were you, I really would try to be polite to her but not go out of your way to avoid her or seek her out.

 

If it were me, I'd feel that it was the right decision to not go. Yes, you might feel guilty. I suspect that you are the kind of person that doesn't like to create waves but I'd like to suggest that your personal discomfort generated from the mean remark takes priority in this case. Given that you can't get over what she said, I'm assuming that the remark was so bad that her behaviour was a hanging offence and not easily forgiveable.

 

You might resent you. She might also realise that she was the one who created the situation in the first place and therefore your behaviour is not unreasonable. Unfortunately, we can't please everybody. You're there to work, that's your primary goal and must-do. Attending a colleague's birthday party comes way down the list and is only a nice-to-do. It does not/should not affect your professionalism.

 

The mean remark also demonstrates that she's not your friend. She's just a work colleague, as far as I know, there is nothing in any rulebook that suggests that we have to be close friends with our work colleagues. One day, you or she may leave the company and it won't matter anymore.

 

This is about you standing up for what you believe in, maintaining your boundaries and not allowing people to cross them under the disguise of friendship. If you say, "yes" to this, what else will you say "yes" to in the future? What other compromises will you have to make in pretending to be her friend?

[NoMagicBullet]

How do these birthday lunches work at your workplace? Do most people in the department attend whether they are friends or not? Or do only the people closest to the birthday person go?

 

If most people go whether they are close to the birthday person or not, then I suggest you go to demonstrate that you are part of the department and you are involved in dept activities, even the informal ones. Think of it as something you are doing for your career, not specifically for this person. Simply attending a birthday lunch in the workplace doesn't mean that you are this woman's friend. I'm just saying that this woman won't really miss out if you're not there (you are no longer friends), but you might be putting yourself at a disadvantage by not using the opportunity to socialize and build professional relationships with your other coworkers.

 

If only friends go, then go ahead and decline any invitation to the lunch, saying you have some task or project you need to focus on at that time.

Edited August 11, 2012 by NoMagicBullet
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