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Having a hard time getting over the loss of a friendship


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What kind of things do you do to move on from the loss of an extremely close friendship that ended badly? I think that I am doing okay, but I am not where I would like to be.

 

I had a falling out with a close female friend of mine about 2 months ago after a minor argument snowballed into a series of misunderstandings that led her to cut ties with me.

 

At the beginning, I tried to save the situation by apologizing and explaining my side, but she stood her ground and insisted it would be best if we don’t speak for awhile.

 

I respected her decision and didn’t initiate any contact until a week ago when I sent her a text to inform her about a send-off party I was organizing for one of our colleagues at work. I know odds of her coming were very slim since she was never close to this guy and she’s not particularly fond of parties, but some of her friends from my office were coming so I thought it would be appropriate to invite her. She replied with “ok, thanks.” I took it as a sign that she’s not coming and left it at that.

 

But on the day of the party, I kept thinking how it would be like if she actually showed up. i thought, if she did, I would try to talk to her and patch things up. Though I enjoyed myself at the party, I couldn’t help but be disappointed that she didn’t show up even though I knew it was next to impossible for her to come. The whole time I kept looking around for any sign of her… it was futile and hopeless but I couldn’t help myself. I kept hoping until every single person had gone home. It sounds cheesy, I know, but I couldn’t get over it. probably because at that moment, I knew that this was it. it really was over between us and it sucks.

 

It all sounds very melodramatic and to be honest, I don’t quite understand why I am so affected by this now when I seemed to be doing fine weeks ago. Even my friends are puzzled with me. I’ve been through harsh and painful break-ups with past girlfriends, and I’ve had friends from long ago whom I’ve drifted apart.

 

But none of that comes close to the hurt and confusion over the loss of my friendship with her.

 

I have lots of really great friends, I have a busy, full life that I love-I am just having trouble leaving this hurt behind and I don’t know why. Most of the time it is okay, but sometimes I feel crushed by the loss. Is this normal? I have been lucky in my life and have not really experienced other big losses other than the usual break-ups.

 

Any input would be appreciated; thank you.

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Although most of the time, "it takes two to tango," it hurts more when you realize you played a part that contributed to the breakup.

Regrets are hard to bear.

I am going through the same thing. I realized that keeping myself occupied with schoolwork helped...

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Yes, I agree. And I think that’s part of the reason why this “break-up” stings like hell.

I really wish I'd treated her better in the past. Especially the last time I saw her. Being a selfish prick, immature, taking friendships for granted, stuff like that… I wish I could take them all back. It’s too late now, though.

 

Mind if I ask how you are coping with your situation? Have you ever tried to attempt a reconciliation? Sorry if I'm being too nosy.

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I suggest that you make ONE FINAL attempt to save this friendship since it is so precious to you.

Make your apology short & sweet.

You can clear out misunderstandings but DO NOT TRY TO JUSTIFY YOUR ACTION. Just take the blame for YOUR doing (but don't blames for what you did not do).

 

Be very honest. Don't be shy to tell her exactly how you feel.

Let her know that you are feeling pain over the situation, and deep regrets for losing her; that will go a long way.

 

I suggest that you write it by hand and mail to her.

After you send this final apology, keep off completely. Don't "pester" her anymore.

Give her space & time to decide. If she was a true friend, she would come around.

At some point, any meaningful friendship is bound to provoke difficult feelings. Once you accept that, you can talk about things as they come up and there's a good chance your friendship will grow stronger.

 

This is the BEST advice I found to help my situation, hope it'll help you, too: When "Sorry" is not Enough

 

About my situation, I had a lot of fights with him. Now it's pretty dire because I betrayed his trust - a stupid thing I did out of anger... but I'd like to think it's not hopeless... It's been 2 months since we ended. Right now, I am focusing on school so I can put this off my mind. I think I will make one final attempt when I feel the time is right... depending on how I feel about him by that time.

Edited by Shohane
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NoMagicBullet

This is good advice:

 

I suggest that you make ONE FINAL attempt to save this friendship since it is so precious to you.

Make your apology short & sweet.

You can clear out misunderstandings but DO NOT TRY TO JUSTIFY YOUR ACTION. Just take the blame for YOUR doing (but don't blames for what you did not do).

 

Be very honest. Don't be shy to tell her exactly how you feel.

Let her know that you are feeling pain over the situation, and deep regrets for losing her; that will go a long way.

 

I suggest that you write it by hand and mail to her.

After you send this final apology, keep off completely. Don't "pester" her anymore.

Give her space & time to decide. ....

 

I'd recommend adding something like the following, just so it's clear how things will proceed from this point:

1) that you would like to rebuild the friendship

2) that you don't want to bother her, so you won't contact her again unless she contacts you first

 

Handwritten note/letter is definitely the way to go. Good luck!

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Wow. Thanks Shohane and NoMagicBullet for all the wonderful advices. I’ll take note of everything you guys mentioned.

 

To tell you the truth, I was thinking of reaching out to her one last time- just to express my regret at how things turned out. I'm wondering if it’s the right thing to do, though. Isn’t a bit too soon? She made it pretty clear to me last time that she doesn’t want to hear from me again even after I apologized and told her I’m not going anywhere.

 

I’m pretty scared I’ll end up making a fool out of myself especially if she chooses to just ignore it.

 

But then on the other hand I know I'd keep going over the things that happened over and over in my mind if I don’t say anything.

 

Shohane, I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Like you, I made a horrible mistake out of anger that cost me this friendship. I took her for granted and it seems like I’ve ruined the friendship beyond repair. I hope things work out good for you and your friend in the end.

Edited by Gabstack
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whichwayisup

I wouldn't contact her again. She's made it perfectly clear in her actions and words that (right now at least) she isn't interested in any friendship or contact with you. When she wrote you back she just said "OK thanks." There was no, hope you're well, or talk soon. And since that email reply to you, she's made no effort to reach out to you.

 

It's too soon. I'd wait till the end of the summer or early fall before contacting her.

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She stood her ground and insisted it would be best if we don’t speak for awhile.

She didn't say, "NEVER speak to me again", so there's hope!

Give her time, at least 2 months, so when you contact her again, she'll see a new you.

 

I’m pretty scared I’ll end up making a fool out of myself especially if she chooses to just ignore it.

No no, at this point, you should not expect anything from this apology (though you shouldn't tell her that -- tell her you expect to renew friendship or hear from her instead). If you have expectations, you'll only burden yourself.

The purpose of the FINAL apology is to make sure you won't regret it for you've tried your best.

 

In this article, the author suggests that we send email once in a while to check on our lost friend: Repairing a Broken Relationship

 

^ Following his brilliant advice, I had regained a friend in the past in a situation the looked almost hopeless.

What I did: I sent my final apology, then moved on. Then every month, I sent him a very short email to check on how he's doing, not expecting a reply, not waiting on him, either. My short emails never touched on past issues - it showed that I did not dwell on the past. I thought that if there's no reply after 5-6 attempts, then the situation would really be hopeless. He came back after my 2nd email. :)

Edited by Shohane
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Thank you for the wonderful advice and the great article, Shohane. I'm taking your advice of patience/time.

 

I’m working on that final apology letter right now, just to tell her how sorry I am, my regrets over the fall-out… that I’m taking full responsibility for my mistakes and my shortcomings. Especially since I made the error of defending myself and justifying my actions on that last email I sent her (which ultimately led her to completely cut ties with me).

 

I wish I’ve known what to do back then. Perhaps I could’ve done something to save the situation. I’m hopeful this final attempt will help soften her a little.

 

It’s good to hear you got a friend back through this method. But as you have said, I shouldn’t expect anything and I won’t. it will be tough not to, though.

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Just a bit of background:

 

She and I were really close and worked together for almost 3 years. I mentored her for a while and she became a close confidante. She’s a few years younger, but we had a really great bond and were quite tight, like brother and sister. She’s one of the few people I turn to for support and she has never failed to be there for me when I needed someone. Though we’ve had our fair share of fights and disagreements in the past because of our clashing personalities (I’m more of an extrovert while she’s an extreme introvert) we always managed to work things out in the end.

 

anyway, she transferred to a different department (a move I had always been critical of) several months ago but we both still work for the same company. Unfortunately, things weren’t working out for her over there and she became very depressed. It didn’t help that she was isolated from the rest of us since their office is in a different city and we rarely saw her. During this time, I was going through a tough emotional time as well with my own personal challenges which consumed me. once again, I turned to her for support though I only get to see her when I have a meeting at their office.

 

Then, 5 months ago, a close friend of hers committed suicide which devastated her. I couldn’t be there for her because work has been crazy but I tried my hardest to check on her as much as I can. Regrettably, there were a number of times when I forget to return her calls and respond to her text messages. I know I should've made more of an effort but, to be honest, I didn’t realize until recently how much the whole thing has affected her. i'm ashamed to admit it, yes, but that's the god's honest truth.

 

I wasn’t able to talk to her for about a month so I decided to surprise her at her home to make up for it. She was very cold towards me and this started an argument between us. At the time, I couldn’t understand where the hostility was coming from and I was frustrated. We made up a week later but we got into another fight after I regretfully 'snapped' a bit at her because I felt she was being unsympathetic to my problems. This preceded a series of confrontations between us which escalated with both of us exchanging heated words. She was very hurt and offended by my comments and behavior which subsequently resulted in her rejecting me as a friend and wanted nothing to do with me.

Edited by Gabstack
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Sounds like you were both going through some emotional times at about the same time, and time and distance caused a bit of separation at a time when perhaps she was expecting more closeness. Her feelings were reinforced by unanswered phone calls, which ticked her off and made her feel like you were not reliable. You guys got into an argument and you both got defensive but maybe she feels that since her issues were of a greater magnitude, that she had more of a right to go off on you. She's probably hurting too and probably feeling isolated on some level.

 

I think the previous advice is probably not what you want to hear but it's probably the best advice to take. I would wait it out for a while. I think this is one of those situations where people need time to reflect. I might wait until the holidays and just send her a card or something, but with a personalized letter that explains that you've had time to reflect and that you're deeply sorry for your side of it.

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I also think that you should wait this one out. As tempting as it may be DON'T send her another apology letter. I am going through the same situation where a close female friend cut me off about two month ago.

 

Given your friend's personality type, it may take a while for her to contact you again. If you must, send her a short, open ended emails/texts once in a while to touch bases nothing more. If you send her a long apology letter, she may feel pressured to respond back to you which will have the opposite effect. You just need to give her space and time.

 

As for my situation she hasn't replied back to me directly yet. But she is on my facebook friend list so all is not lost.

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About the timing of an apology, most often I think that it's best to give an apology as early as you can so the healing process can start.

 

But in very bad situation like this, I agree with others that it's better to let time pass so all the emotions will be a memory...

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Thanks for the replies everyone! After reading everyone’s take on the situation, I’ve decided to wait and let some time pass before I send the apology letter. I just thought I’d 'clear the air' and rebuild the friendship by putting all on the table before her birthday (her birthday’s in 3 weeks). But perhaps this isn’t the right time for that so I’ll just back off for now.

 

Sounds like you were both going through some emotional times at about the same time, and time and distance caused a bit of separation at a time when perhaps she was expecting more closeness. Her feelings were reinforced by unanswered phone calls, which ticked her off and made her feel like you were not reliable. You guys got into an argument and you both got defensive but maybe she feels that since her issues were of a greater magnitude, that she had more of a right to go off on you. She's probably hurting too and probably feeling isolated on some level.

 

Fugu> You bring up some great points and what you said is pretty much right on. The past several months have been rough for both of us (especially on her) and I think she may be depressed. I only realized this after the confrontation since she never told me fully about her own personal issues before. In hindsight, it might have been difficult for her to say anything, so it might have been a bit selfish on my part to be critical, when in truth the opposite might have been required which was to be understanding and supportive. I have felt guilty ever since as I also haven’t made much of an effort to reach out to her while she was grieving. She's been a wonderful friend to me. One of the best. Unfortunately, I have not been reciprocating, apparently, or I'm just not as good at it as she is.

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Shohane> I really appreciate your perspective and great advice on this. Your empathy means a lot to me. I want to thank you because somehow it feels like you "get" me and this situation with my friend. :)

 

 

Alex> Hey, man. It really is very upsetting to lose a friend, especially one who’s had a huge impact on your life...

 

I understand where you’re coming from and the reason for you ending your friendship with her. It was the same with my friend. She said I had let her down and our friendship has always felt one-sided. Feels really awful.

 

It’s unfortunate to hear that you’ve lost other friends too because of the fall out. I hope you have other people to turn to for support during this time. Hope you feel better soon.

 

 

Given your friend's personality type, it may take a while for her to contact you again. If you must, send her a short, open ended emails/texts once in a while to touch bases nothing more. If you send her a long apology letter, she may feel pressured to respond back to you which will have the opposite effect. You just need to give her space and time.

 

mtber75> thanks. I'll have to remember that one.

 

Now I have to ask, you say you're going through the same situation. I'm curious as to the details of the situation... if you don't mind sharing. Anyone can share their own situations in this thread. I'd love to read similar situations anybody may be going through, or have gone through in the past.

Edited by Gabstack
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Thanks for the replies everyone! After reading everyone’s take on the situation, I’ve decided to wait and let some time pass before I send the apology letter. I just thought I’d 'clear the air' and rebuild the friendship by putting all on the table before her birthday (her birthday’s in 3 weeks). But perhaps this isn’t the right time for that so I’ll just back off for now.

 

 

 

Fugu> You bring up some great points and what you said is pretty much right on. The past several months have been rough for both of us (especially on her) and I think she may be depressed. I only realized this after the confrontation since she never told me fully about her own personal issues before. In hindsight, it might have been difficult for her to say anything, so it might have been a bit selfish on my part to be critical, when in truth the opposite might have been required which was to be understanding and supportive. I have felt guilty ever since as I also haven’t made much of an effort to reach out to her while she was grieving. She's been a wonderful friend to me. One of the best. Unfortunately, I have not been reciprocating, apparently, or I'm just not as good at it as she is.

 

Don't beat yourself up -- relationships are two-way streets. You might not have been the perfect friend, but she hasn't been either, it would seem. I've noticed that when people just cut off a relationship they usually feel that they're quite justified for some reason, but they're also not taking a very good look at their own behavior, either, so I only get apologetic up to a point. I think it's always good to offer sincere apologies when you honestly believe that you've erred, and you apologize for that only, and you only do it once, maybe twice. But beyond that, you focus on your life and move on. If the friend doesn't come back, well, that's his or her choice - and she knows where you stand. If she does come back to you, then you focus on understanding each other, apologizing for any trespasses, and communicate openly so that you know where your boundaries are for the future.

 

But on that note, I think people who nurse petty grudges have issues and need to look at themselves more closely. People are always going to offend each other. We try not to, but that's life - there are times when people get crossed. If it's serious betrayal, then obviously that's one thing, but if it's a misunderstanding, you work it out. I don't like people who hold grudges - it's psychological manipulation and it's borne of self-obsession.

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Thank you for your input, Fugu. I don't have many people to talk to about this, so I appreciate your thoughts.

 

About what you said, though. I think it's a case of her feeling taken for granted for so long and the last incident was the final straw for her. In retrospect, I’ve come to realize that it has been her who makes more of an effort in keeping this friendship going since she transferred. Or maybe we’ve both just fallen into a bad routine that I've only now become conscious of. I do wish she felt comfortable enough to bring them to my attention so much sooner, though.

 

Truth Time: I can be somewhat flaky when it comes to relationships.

 

I’m that person you get fed up with for forgetting to call you back. I’m also the person who had every good intention of replying to your text message this afternoon, but forgot—again. And yeah, sometimes I’m that person who seems to fall off the face of the planet for a week at a time when I have other obligations that occupy my time.

 

I admit that there were several occasions in the past where I left her high and dry and I never had the time to make it up to her. It’s not that I didn’t want to… the opportunity just never came up.

 

Nevertheless, she was there for me through the ups and downs. She was my sounding board, ear, confidante and the voice of reason when I’m being daft.

 

I feel the loss deeply because I genuinely care for her and I miss the way things were before.

 

She may not have been the perfect friend, but I can honestly say she was a true friend in every sense of the word.

 

It's also the guilt that I'm having difficulty with… the fact that I failed to be a friend to her when she most desperately needed one -especially since she's done so much for me. She has seen me through some of the worst and darkest moments I've had.

 

Ultimately, it’s knowing that I could’ve saved this friendship if I didn’t let my pride get in the way that's eating me inside.

 

There’s just a lot of unfinished business associated to the ending of our friendship in my opinion.

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Hey, I think you are somewhat obsessed over this... I think you need to be ready to let go by this time... If she comes back, great! If she doesn't, well, you've already let go.

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Am I? Geez. That sounds pathetic. I probably am, though. Lol. I started out ok, actually. After the fall-out, I told myself I’ll just respect her wishes, back off and move on. I didn’t think it was such a great loss. I was doing fine… I threw myself into work, busied myself with my hobbies and social activities. It only just recently hit me that I’ve completely lost the friendship.

 

It probably doesn’t help that I’m dealing with some family problems right now and I miss the kind of support that I used to get from her. It’s not like I don’t have anyone else to turn to… I still have my friends around me but it’s just not the same as when I talk about this stuff with her. I’m seeing this girl right now but I still don’t know her well enough to confide something really personal with her… sounds incredibly selfish but that’s just the way I am.

 

I'm kinda worried about her, too so I often wonder about how she's doing. Last time I heard about her was with a mutual friend and he said she's lost a lot of weight and was "a bit out of it". To tell you the truth, I've probably thought more about her now than I did in the entire time that I've known her so I guess that is pretty wack.

 

Talking here helps, though. So I'm grateful I found this board when I was doing a Web Search on the topics of friendship, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

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I'm going through a friendship breakdown too, although I think ours is beyond repair back to its former closeness, and I am OK with that now. My friend was the one on the wrong, and refuses to discuss it, so that leaves me with few options!

 

I found this to be really helpful

How to Handle Rejection: 10 steps - wikiHow

 

 

I am very sorry to hear about you and your friend. Good to know you’re doing fine in dealing with it. Not everyone cope with this kind of thing well.

 

I read the article you posted and it made me realize a lot of things… it definitely helped, so, thank you so much. :)

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