My former best friend ignores me

[Elisa89]

I did want the friendship with my former best friend to drift apart, I admit. And I still stand firm by this decision. But because I was too chicken to confront her and tell her that I thought it would be best if we didn't hang out as much as we used to. Now she outright ignores. She walkes right past me like she has never seen me before. The first time it happened I just thought she was maybe stressed and didn't see me. Then I met her at the library with her sister, her sister said hi, yet she didn't say anything. We're both writing our dissertation right now, so we spend a whole lot of time at the library. She walks right past my desk, pretending she doesn't see me. The first couple of days I tried to catch her eye to greet her but she always looks away. It honestly drains all my energy which I badly need right now. I started writing at home because I can't stand the tension it's causing me. When I'm at the library, I don't dare to go outside to get a coffee because I'm scared to run into her.

 

A lot of things have happened in our friendship(more detail see here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/331374-time-break-off-friendship), I know there were times I hurt her feelings and times where she hurt mine. Things that honestly I wasn't able to let go and she wasn't either. I know the power of forgiving and I can forgive her for the things she did but I do not have the trust in her anymore to tell her important things in my life. I know this and when I realized I knew it was time to let this friendship go. Part of this was also that she made it clear that she didn't think I was a loveable person and that I should be grateful that she shouldered being my friend. But I was so afraid of confrontation that I decided to let it fizzle out. As a result, she and one of our mutual friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. We have a lot of mutual friends in college and we'll all still be here after finishing the dissertation for half a year working, finishing up projects etc.

 

I don't know what to do. I thought we could get along on a minimal level so to speak. Being able to do small talk and not let it affect our circle of friends. But now it looks like this will be a battle of taking sides which I don't want to happen. I know she can be manipulative and play the victim. I know she's not a bad person, she's just insecure. I am, too, to a certain extent. I would talk to her but we have to hand in that dissertation in three weeks and knowing the driven person she is, she won't be up for talking or resolving any conflict till then. I eventually will have to talk to her because she has a book of mine which I desperately need for my dissertation. Right now I feel lost and I don't know what to do. Any advice would be really appreciated!!

[darkmoon]

"I do not have the trust in her anymore to tell her important things in my life. I know this and when I realized I knew it was time to let this friendship go"

 

if you mean this to be the case, that's up to you, just study and get your book

 

"she and one of our mutual friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason"

 

you wanted to let the friendship go, so i think they see a loyalty problem, that's the reason, just be true to yourself, and darling, let people go more tactfully if you want to drop them next time, nobody owes anybody anything here, convos or any attention

Edited July 20, 2012 by darkmoon

[whichwayisup]

You chose to end the friendship and let it die, she's chosen to ignore you and not acknowledge you in her life. Sure, that's immature, giving someone the silent treatment and ignoring them is cruel and intentional, but my guess is, you ending the friendship with her hurt her and this is how she's reacting.

 

Try not to let it bother you..

 

Once a friendship ends, it's best to keep distance and go no contact. Don't say hi to her anymore. Just go on with your life.

[NoMagicBullet]

You wanted the friendship to end, and it seems she agreed to it. In her book, that means she doesn't have to interact with you at all, and from how you described things ending, it seems like ignoring a person is the logical option. Why are you expecting chit chat from someone you don't want to socialize with anyway?

 

Personally, after all the drama, I'd be glad that all she was doing was ignoring me! And the idea of making small talk with a lousy former "friend" turns my stomach; it seems like a very fake thing to do, far more effort than it's worth, and it could potentially start the conflict again.

 

If you need your book back or need to talk to her for professional reasons, then do so. You can't expect her to socialize with you, but you can expect her to answer reasonable requests as far as work is concerned.

 

When friendships among a group end badly, it's unrealistic to think that people won't take sides. Still, that doesn't mean she gets to keep all your mutual friends. Continue to cultivate the friendships you can.

Edited July 23, 2012 by NoMagicBullet
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