Best Friend and mental illness.

[JengleBells83]

I've had this best friend for 5 years...who has always been there for me. She had a mental breakdown about a year ago, and has severe anxiety, ocd and panic attacks. I was there for her when she was in the hospital being treated, shoulder to cry on, etc. We have had some good times over the past year, but the craziness has made me feel like there are too many issues to continue being her best friend.

-I cant count on her for anything- shes cancelled on plans last minute- i.e. we were going to go to a concert, granted she got sick, but i had to find someone last minute and lost money, and she never apologized or felt bad, or even asked me how the concert was

-she never wants to do anything or go anywhere, and she gets mad at me often- i.e. on the 4th of july when it was super hot, i couldnt physically handle going to the fireworks and i had to cancel. she was mad at me for days. stuff like this. And when I have hung out with other people, she says "are you cheating on me?" its bordering on possessive/ jealousy.

-She is constant drama- whether she is sick, or having an anxiety attack or mad at a friend (shes lost a few close friends this year)..and gets jealous of when her friends hang out with other people.

 

I've also never met anyone in my life with this amount of mental issues. She pulls out her hair, eyebrows and eyelashes, picks at her legs, has cut her wrists in the past and drinks while on her anxiety meds..then she got a dui a few months ago...and just a few days ago she got caught driving on a suspended license and was laughing about it. Again, drama and immaturity. Shes well in to her 30s. She doesn't work, or do much of anything- she naps and hangs out on the couch all day long- her mother pays for her house, bills groceries, everything- and she is rude to her.

 

This is what it boils down to- this constant drama, negativity and problems isn't my style. My well of sympathy for her mental illness has run dry- and I can't imagine that someone could still have such severe mental illness after being on meds and therapy. I work very hard, am a very upbeat, positive person, and i want to spend time with people who inspire me- not people who inspire me never to be like them.

 

So my question is...how do i distance myself without being a bad person/ friend? I still want to be her friend and hang out with her in the company of our mutual friends, but i just feel like i cant deal with this mess anymore. Am I wrong here? should i just cut all ties? Any advice would be helpful. I love her, but recently its just become too much

[jeffmeyers]

That's tricky.

 

Is she still always there for you or have her mental illnesses become more and more of an overwhelming problem (rather than you just getting sick of it by attrition).

 

I see friendship as reciprocity, if she's still always there for you then it's a bit crummy to leave her in her time of need. But if she's getting worse then I can see how it can be too much for a normal person to bare. Maybe you can distance yourself a bit and let professionals step in?

Edited July 14, 2012 by jeffmeyers

[The Tallest One]

Well I totally feel for you! Every person has there limits and being around someone who is so troubled and gets you down and taxes you mentally as I assume she does, can take a toll on your own wellbeing. I could see if she was doing eveything she could to improve her life, and if she showed the same kind of compassion as you do, but she seems too self absorded and selfish.

 

I can relate to mental illness, I also suffer from o.c.d., anxiety and depression as well as not having the greatest self esteem. But, I work fulltime as a very good paying job. I also am trying to improve not only my quality of life, but also my mental and emotional health. I think you should sit down with her and have a good heart to heart.

 

If this doesn't cause her to at least make any effort to change, than you should distance yourself because noone is responsible for someone else's life and health.

 

Best of luck, keep us posted!

[spiderowl]

I can see why you are feeling like this as she sounds very demanding. Has she always been like this or has it slowly been getting worse?

 

Does she take the meds she has been prescribed? How often does she see her doc for follow-ups? Meds are not foolproof and it can take time to find something that suits - even then it is often a compromise between what works and what the side-effects are.

 

It sounds as if she's not getting enough help for her particular problems and you, her friend, are starting to bear the brunt of it. It may well be worth you finding out more about sources of help for her, finding out what she's tried, what organisations she's been in touch with and so on. Maybe there is a support organisation she's not aware of. I do sympathise because I have a friend who suffers mildly and she can be very demanding with text messages and so on. She's very self-centred and doesn't listen to me but expects me to listen to her. If I don't respond the same day to a message, she gets stroppy and starts sending pointed messages about my lack of response. I have given up on her on a few occasions now and might well do so for good. There are limits to what histrionics I'm prepared to put up with.

 

If you have pointed her in the direction of help and support, listened and tried to be supportive and you are still suffering from her behaviour, I would have to say your feelings matter too. They do. You have a right to a peaceful life and maybe you need to point out to her that sometimes her behaviour goes over the top. You can tell her you love her but she can't mistreat you.

[carhill]

Save yourself. Let her go. Quick and clean. No regrets. She'll survive. She has all this time. It'll go on, and on.

[The Outlaw]

You can STILL continue to be her friend, just simply cut down on the time that you're spending with her. She has a history yes of turning you down at the last minute when it comes to concerts and social gatherings-save yourself the trouble and go with someone you know won't do such a thing. The choice is yours to make but sometimes it's best to distance yourself from people like this because they can drag you down. Trust me on that. Just call or text her once or twice a week and see where it goes from there. If it persists and doesn't improve, just do as carhill suggested-cut her off. Sometimes you have to put YOU first. Good luck.

[frenchtelephones]

I don't think you can distance yourself without being at least partly a bad person/friend. I'm sorry if this sounds moralizing - I don't mean to get up on any high horses, I've been as crappy a friend as anyone - but I don't really think it's 100% okay to ditch a friend because she is having serious problems. Friendships is not marriage, you haven't sworn that you'll stand by your friend in sickness and in health, but leaving her because she is depressed and tough to handle isn't very, well, kind. As you say you've been friends with her for 5 years and she has always been there for you. Now that she is depressed she can't be there for you in the same way because she is completely wrapped up in her own problems (a common sympton of depression) but that doesn't mean that the two of you will never be able to have a reciprocal friendship ever again.

 

Of course if she stays this way forever and can never be a good friend to you ever again because of her illness then sure, the dymanics of your friendship will change and it will be understandable if you choose to see her less and less. However, it sounds like what she's going though might not be a condition that lasts for life, and while she's going though this crisis I'm sure it would be very good for her if at least one of her old friends is there for her. I'm not saying you should be with her all the time, particularly not if it is taxing for you, but I think you'll feel guilty if you altogether abandon her. Maybe you can find some sort of compromise.. Perhaps you could see her a little less often than before but still let her know that if she needs you you're there for her?