eveln22 Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=black][/color] hi EVERYONE! My first time here! I'm really in need of some advise, that's why I'm here. It concerns my very best friend since high school. Bare with me please. We are like sisters and we both want the best for each other, for that reason I don't want her to be with her current boyfriend/fiance/husband(she doesn't even know). It all started not even a year ago, around March 2003. She met a guy(her boyfriend now) by a friend. They obviously liked each other and began dating. About 2 weeks later she says she's pregnant. She moved in with him and they got engaged. I was upset at first, becuase it all happened so sudden, but she said she was happy and he did things for her no other man has such as cook for her, clean, wash, massages, flowers, etc. He was romantic. So, about two weeks after she moved in with him, she had a misscarriage and she was going to get married that same week. Well she's strong she made it through, and then that's when the problems all began. She continued living with him and she "chickened out"of getting married. Then came the phones calls of her crying, that she argued with him and he frequently cursed her out and hit her, once she says. I talked to her less and I couldn't call her when he was there becuase he didn't like it. So I would only call her while he was at work and not between 11am-12pm becuase he was htere with her for lunch. ANd I hardly spent time with her. So I began not liking this guy and asking my friend how could she be with him, that she should not settle for him. She told me she finally had a talk with him and that ofcourse he promised to change, he said he was not aware he was hurting her. And she asked me to support her and that's when I just stopped giving her advise, I didn't want her to stop talking to me, because I would basically tell her to leave him everytime we talked. Since then she has moved to her mom's house twice. And just recently was the second, which she convinced me she was actually very serious about leaving him. He was good for maybe a month and he slapped her and she moved out and took out all her stuff. I was happy and willing to be there for her through her pain. But today, just a few hours ago, she calls me and guess what, she's at that guys house! Ahhhh! What am I suppose to do. What? Should I just give her my support and let this guy harm her(although she's in denial and she says he is not), or should I keep telling her she deserves better and to leave him and risk losing our friendship? Help! Am I just exaggerating? Link to post Share on other sites
maskee28 Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 No, I don't think you're exaggerating at all. Your friend is with a real jerk. Your friend says he's "not harming her", and even if he's NOT actually physically abusing her right now, he's showing classic signs of an abuser: he's trying to control every aspect of her life. She's not allowed to see her friends, or even talk on the phone with them? What is that about? I don't think there's much you can do to change the situation, until your friend sees him for who he his herself. You are going to drive yourself crazy worrying about how to change a situation you don't have any influence in. I think you should sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with her, and explain why you can't be around her right now. (Not that you can anyway, since you have to sneak around behind her boyfriend's back) Tell her that it is hurting you to see her being hurt and treated this way. What kind of loving boyfriend doesn't want his girlfriend to have friends and be happy? Tell her that you are not abandoning her, but that you can't be a part of this toxic situation anymore. When she leaves him, you'll be ready to pick up your friendship where you left off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eveln22 Posted February 25, 2004 Author Share Posted February 25, 2004 Thanks for your reply! I have thought about staying away from her and it's difficult. Sometimes I feel like she thinks she's getting old and that's why perhaps she is settling for him. She's 28 and she has had very rough relationships in the past. She has had a couple of "good" guys, but she has was afraid to commit to them and she would leave them. I can't take it, I'm going to have to tell her I'm staying away. Link to post Share on other sites
maskee28 Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 I think you're making the right decision. I feel bad for her that at 28, she still seems to have a lot of growing & maturing to do... dating a guy who treats you horribly, the way her boyfriend does, and not realizing you deserve better is more typical of an 18 or 19-year old. I'm also 28, and would NEVER let myself be treated this way. It's quite sad, really. Link to post Share on other sites
luvueli Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Hi there! It's hard to see a friend suffer! But the best thing I think you can do is not give up on her. Even if it jeopardizes your friendship. She has to realize this guy could end up hurting her worse! This is serious! She has to be strong! I fthis guy hasn't change in the short time they have been together what makes her think he will! I don't think they have even really gotten to know each other, they moved too quickly! DOn't give up on your friend! Link to post Share on other sites
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