Considering patching up an old friendship, but...

[jeffmeyers]

I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

 

I was best friends with a girl I initially met in my college classes. We ended up doing nearly everything together (no romance though). This lasted for about two years until I thought things were turning cumbersome for me and after a few small fights, I ended the friendship in no uncertain terms.

 

I know she didn't think there was anything wrong with the friendship and she certainly didn't want to end it. She even tried to patch things up a few months later when we bumped in into each other, but I didn't want to deal with it then. We never saw each other again after that.

 

There has always been guilt on my end over the break-up and whatever ticked me off back then seems quite insignificant nowadays. So what's the hold up for reconciliation? Time. Nearly 10 years have passed. I'm no longer the carefree guy I was back then, I have a career, a wife and kids now and I assume she's in a similar situation. I'm not neccesarily aiming for a renewed friendship, we're likely at different places now, but I would still like to make peace.

 

When I try to put myself in her shoes, I don't think I'd be too receptive to an old acquaintance, one that hurt/embarassed me, trying to contact me. I think I would have tried to put this past life well behind me and moved on. Then again, that type of second guessing also sounds like excuses for not doing anything!

 

Still indecisive.

[jeffmeyers]

lol

 

Then i guess i'll have to figure this one out on my own.

[january2011]

I suggest that you make peace without contacting her. For example, by writing a letter of apology without sending it.

 

As you said, it's been such a long time and so much has happened since then. She's most likely forgotten all about it and/or doesn't attach any emotions to it at all. It's just a memory of a past life. She's changed and you've changed. There really is no reason to contact her other than your guilt and bringing her in to help relieve you of this guilt is a little unfair. Especially over some small fights and a friendship that only lasted two years.

 

I think that you need to figure out what is missing from your current life that leads you to hold on to something that happened so long ago in your past. And why you feel the need to reach out now to someone you've not been in touch with for so long. What does she represent that you can't let go of?

[Arabella]

You should contact her.

 

A close friend of mine and I recently had a fight and felt like a friend-break up. I was very hurt at the time. I did not agree with his reasons for ending the friendship and would have liked some closure. We ended up working it out, but if we hadn't, I would still have liked to talk about it and end in better terms.

 

I think your friend would definitely like to hear from you, too. Even if she decides she does not want to renew your friendship, it will give you both a chance to discuss what happened. She will get a better explanation and apology from you, and you may finally get rid of the guilt you've been experiencing. No matter the outcome, it will be good for both of you.

 

Best of luck,

 

-A

[jeffmeyers]

Yay, replies! And giving conflicting advice too.

 

 

I think that you need to figure out what is missing from your current life that leads you to hold on to something that happened so long ago in your past. And why you feel the need to reach out now to someone you've not been in touch with for so long. What does she represent that you can't let go of?

 

Part of the answer is that I live abroad. I'm not homesick, but I often do think about my former life back home. That has made me contact other people, former classmates, colleages and stuff in the last few years. Internet and social network sites make all of this easier.

 

I also have a long running feud with an older sibling. It's not for a lack of trying, but that relationship appears doomed while the former friendship looks "easier" to fix, if only I tried anyway.

 

Funerals, I go to those more and more lately. I'll avoid cliches about appreciating life more and whatever, but it does make me introspective and make me reevaluate my relationships.

 

And I guess there's pride. I don't have many friends and don't make new ones easily, but the ones I do have I've had for decades. I have a strong hunch she could have been such a friend had I not turned my back on her. And yet, and a bit ironically, pride is also what prevented from contacting her before.

 

You should contact her.

 

A close friend of mine and I recently had a fight and felt like a friend-break up. I was very hurt at the time. I did not agree with his reasons for ending the friendship and would have liked some closure. We ended up working it out, but if we hadn't, I would still have liked to talk about it and end in better terms.

 

I think your friend would definitely like to hear from you, too. Even if she decides she does not want to renew your friendship, it will give you both a chance to discuss what happened. She will get a better explanation and apology from you, and you may finally get rid of the guilt you've been experiencing. No matter the outcome, it will be good for both of you.

 

Best of luck,

 

-A

 

Are you sure you'd still want to get answers 10 years after the fact?

 

And if you don't mind me asking, how did you patch things up? One of you just contacted the other and things just worked themselves out?

 

And... thanks!

[Arabella]

Are you sure you'd still want to get answers 10 years after the fact?

 

And if you don't mind me asking, how did you patch things up? One of you just contacted the other and things just worked themselves out?

 

And... thanks!

 

Yeah, I would want to hear from him even 10 years later, but that's just because that's the sort of person I am... I don't just forget that sort of thing.

 

We basically had a big argument because he felt we were spending too much time/effort in each other. It honestly felt like it was the end of our friendship.

 

I contacted him a week later to test the waters but never even tried to discuss what happened... it was apparent that he did not mean for us to stop contact and just needed some time to himself. My theory is that it was him freaking out at the increasing emotional intimacy that we were building... after that, we began transitioning into lovers. That happened less than a month ago.

 

While my situation was different from yours in the end, I still stand by the advice I gave you. Reach out to her... you've got nothing to lose.

 

Best of luck, and sorry it took so long to respond back

 

-A

[frenchtelephones]

I find myself intrigued by this thread. Perhaps it's because I've also had a few friendships that went sour and where I haven't spoken to the people in question for a few years. Whether you should contact your old friend or not I suppose depends mostly on how bad your break-up was to begin with. I think it also depends a bit on what kind of person she is/was ten years ago. Personally I'm the kind of person who'd appreciate being contacted ten years later regardless of how badly things ended. I much prefer hashing things out, and reconnecting and forgiving if possible, to just keeping silent and letting time pass. But, as I've come to realize, far from everyone is like that. I've also noticed that I'm far more interested in reconnecting with old friends when I'm lonely or bored than when I'm happy and busy. As a previous poster mentioned, it's probably a good idea to try to figure out exactly why you're thinking about contacting her before you do anything.

 

I like making lists, so I think I'll go ahead and make one with reasons to contact her and one with reasons not to.

 

Reasons to contact her:

- You say pride has stopped you from contacting her before. Don't let suppsed pride stop you.

- Talking about why your friendship ended and hearing that you're sorry might be nice for her even if ten years have passed.

- Chances are she's moved on with her life to such a degree that hearing from you now wouldn't tear up old wounds, and even if it did, it probably wouldn't be so bad that she couldn't handle it. A decade heals a lot of wounds.

- You might have a nice time together. Talking to people who knew you a long time ago, when you were a slightly different person than you are now, is valuable. Who knows, she might feel the same way talking to you.

 

Reasons not to conact her:

- There is the risk, perhaps not too likely but still hard to ignore, that even though many years have passed hearing from you would bring back a slew of unpleasant memories she'd rather not relive.

- She's reached a point in her life where she just doesn't care about a friend she hasn't seen in years (though honestly I don't think this is a very stong reason not to contact her. if she doesn't care anymore that means that the worst you could do is waste a bit of her time, which isn't too horrible).

- If you're only contacting her because you're missing your home country, or because you're afraid of eventually getting older, or because you want to assuage your old guilt or make peace with yourself rather than with her, then you should think hard before you decide to talk to her. None of the above-mentioned sentiments or urgues make you a bad person. Far from it. But as you yourself suggested in your post, you don't want to contact her for blatently self-serving reasons.

 

Wow, okay, this turned out long. If I'm to give a yes or no answer though, I think you should get in touch with her.

[jeffmeyers]

I find myself intrigued by this thread. Perhaps it's because I've also had a few friendships that went sour and where I haven't spoken to the people in question for a few years. Whether you should contact your old friend or not I suppose depends mostly on how bad your break-up was to begin with. I think it also depends a bit on what kind of person she is/was ten years ago. Personally I'm the kind of person who'd appreciate being contacted ten years later regardless of how badly things ended. I much prefer hashing things out, and reconnecting and forgiving if possible, to just keeping silent and letting time pass. But, as I've come to realize, far from everyone is like that. I've also noticed that I'm far more interested in reconnecting with old friends when I'm lonely or bored than when I'm happy and busy. As a previous poster mentioned, it's probably a good idea to try to figure out exactly why you're thinking about contacting her before you do anything.

 

I like making lists, so I think I'll go ahead and make one with reasons to contact her and one with reasons not to.

 

Reasons to contact her:

- You say pride has stopped you from contacting her before. Don't let suppsed pride stop you.

- Talking about why your friendship ended and hearing that you're sorry might be nice for her even if ten years have passed.

- Chances are she's moved on with her life to such a degree that hearing from you now wouldn't tear up old wounds, and even if it did, it probably wouldn't be so bad that she couldn't handle it. A decade heals a lot of wounds.

- You might have a nice time together. Talking to people who knew you a long time ago, when you were a slightly different person than you are now, is valuable. Who knows, she might feel the same way talking to you.

 

Reasons not to conact her:

- There is the risk, perhaps not too likely but still hard to ignore, that even though many years have passed hearing from you would bring back a slew of unpleasant memories she'd rather not relive.

- She's reached a point in her life where she just doesn't care about a friend she hasn't seen in years (though honestly I don't think this is a very stong reason not to contact her. if she doesn't care anymore that means that the worst you could do is waste a bit of her time, which isn't too horrible).

- If you're only contacting her because you're missing your home country, or because you're afraid of eventually getting older, or because you want to assuage your old guilt or make peace with yourself rather than with her, then you should think hard before you decide to talk to her. None of the above-mentioned sentiments or urgues make you a bad person. Far from it. But as you yourself suggested in your post, you don't want to contact her for blatently self-serving reasons.

 

Wow, okay, this turned out long. If I'm to give a yes or no answer though, I think you should get in touch with her.

 

The "break-up" happened because I felt I was being taken advantage of and she had gone one step too far. Not necessarily out of malice on her part, but I was the kind of kid who had trouble saying no and if she had no problem asking me anything, sometimes manipulating me to get me to do what she wanted all along.

 

The breakup was one-sided and rather peaceful. It was not something I did in a jest, I had planned it. Of course, she was stunned, upset and thought it was crazy, but we weren't hurling insults or at each other's throats. When I left, she escorted me to the front door, perhaps hoping to talk it over some more, but I told her to take good care of herself, bid her farewell and just walked away without looking back.

 

The guilt is really about not having really explained to her why I "dumped" her and running away rather than working it out. Even though the friendship felt unequal sometimes, I know I could have handled that friendship quite differently in retropect. I was just an awkward young man at the time.

 

This is where pride comes in the picture. Even in my awkward, youthful ways, I know I tried to draw a line, to take a firm stand for myself and to put some distance between us (albeit permanently). She was also very proud herself, I assume she still is. It's most likely why she hasn't tried to contact me herself, particularly when I specifically told her not to call me or anything. This feels like a game of chicken and either one of us contacting the other would be "yielding".

 

I view being an ocean apart as a bit of a game changer for reconciliation. One problem I had in the past was the possibility of getting back to how we were before which I did not want. Now, assuming we patch things up, I can keep her at a distance. Literally.

 

Aside from that sibling I mentionned in an earlier post, she's the only other person I feel I need to reconcile with. I'm not interested in contacting ex-GFs, there's no regrets, nothing to repair there. Former colleages and classmates, you send a quick poke/message/email, chat a bit then it's over. Maybe you get a Facebook friend request and that's it. However, they are a good preview to see how people react being contacted after a long time apart.

[frenchtelephones]

It's funny the thing you mention about pride. It's so hard to know what the other person, the person you haven't talked to for years, is thinking. I was once told by a guy not to contact him (he had feelings for me that he confessed and that I did not reciprocate, I handeled the situation badly, he said he couldn't be my friend and that we should have no contact). I didn't contact him for a long time not very much out of pride but because, well, why would I contact someone who'd explicitly said he didn't want to talk to me? Unless you have a deep apology to make or some other type of announcement that will change the dynamics of the failed frienship, you, the dumpee, aren't really in a position to make contact.

Maybe your former friend hasn't contacted you because she figures that since you're the one who chose to end the friendship you're also the one who can choose to resume it. Of course, maybe this also means that she hasn't done her share of reflecting on what went wrong between you two, since she hasn't contacted you to apologize or anything of that nature. On the other hand you can't know that. She may have done plenty of thinking but still figured it is your place to get in touch with her. Of course you know your friend, I don't. These are just some reflections from someone who's been on the "other side" of an ended friendship. I guess I'm saying that there might be a possibility that she's kept silent more out of respect for your stated wishes than out of pride.

[jeffmeyers]

It's funny the thing you mention about pride. It's so hard to know what the other person, the person you haven't talked to for years, is thinking. I was once told by a guy not to contact him (he had feelings for me that he confessed and that I did not reciprocate, I handeled the situation badly, he said he couldn't be my friend and that we should have no contact). I didn't contact him for a long time not very much out of pride but because, well, why would I contact someone who'd explicitly said he didn't want to talk to me? Unless you have a deep apology to make or some other type of announcement that will change the dynamics of the failed frienship, you, the dumpee, aren't really in a position to make contact.

 

What you say about pride and how you relate it to your own personal experience make perfect sense.

 

Maybe your former friend hasn't contacted you because she figures that since you're the one who chose to end the friendship you're also the one who can choose to resume it.

 

I do have a certain degree of certainty about who she was and how our friendship was until the breakup. I had become her best friend and she had a certain amount of dependence on me. But her immediate reaction to the breakup was predictable. Shock, surprise but also pride, like it was my loss. She was not the kind to beg or to break down.

 

What happened afterwards after we parted ways is more difficult to tell, but my guess is she was hurt inside, but got over it. She was pretty, sociable and confident so I have little doubt she made new friends. She might have waited for me to change my mind and to contact her, but it quickly became obvious I wouldn't. She moved on. The memory of me faded, but I strongly doubt she has tried to forget about me completely.

 

Of course, maybe this also means that she hasn't done her share of reflecting on what went wrong between you two, since she hasn't contacted you to apologize or anything of that nature.

 

If people ever asked her whatever happened to me, my guess she was a bit embarassed but tried to save face. She blamed it on me if pushed.

 

It's also my guess she did no reflecting of her own, not early on anyway. In large part because I didn't try to explain to her what she did wrong (I just wanted to get away from her).

 

On the other hand you can't know that. She may have done plenty of thinking but still figured it is your place to get in touch with her. Of course you know your friend, I don't. These are just some reflections from someone who's been on the "other side" of an ended friendship. I guess I'm saying that there might be a possibility that she's kept silent more out of respect for your stated wishes than out of pride.

 

I think ultimately why she kept silent is a bit irrelevant (fun to discuss though): I wouldn't hold it against her.

 

The truth of the matter is that after a few years, I wouldn't have known how to contact her anyway. I had forgotten her number and she had always used those secret numbers. She never was technically savvy either so she was invisible online as well. In fact, it's only after finding her online a few weeks ago (to my great surprise) that I'm seriously considering contacting her (and came here to discuss it first, I'm not in a hurry). For many years, it seemed like that window of opportunity was long gone.

 

I've read other topics on this forum and I think people come here with their problems but leave when all is fine. I'll keep this discussion going and think it over some more, but I do plan to keep people udated on this situation.

[Shohane]

You feel guilt, and you care, even after 10 years!

Ahhh, just contact her and tell us how it goes!!!

Make your apology very brief and don't dwell on past details. Proceed with starting anew.

Edited July 9, 2012 by Shohane

[taco_dude]

Dude just reconcile with her, it's not like it's going to go anything past a simple friendship. Everyone gets busy in life, settles down, etc. But who DOESN'T need an extra friend?

[jeffmeyers]

Yes, I'm in the process of writing that letter. The rough draft is long, but I'm trying to cut it down to a few short parapraghs getting straight to bare essentials. I feel I have only one shot at this so I don't want to mess it up.

 

I'll send it shortly then come back with an update if it worked or not (unless someone's bumps the thread with comments of their own).

 

Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement.

Edited July 14, 2012 by jeffmeyers

[jeffmeyers]

I had promised I would update people on this so I am doing this now.

 

I ended up waiting a little bit longer to write to her since I didn't like having to use Linkedin for this. No other options came so I relunctantly went with it. Linkedin didn't make it easy, restricting my access (and demanding money to simply email her), but after a few months, I was allowed to write to her and I did. I sent her a contrite, to-the-point yet very diplomatic message. I tried to make sure that even if she chose not to reply, there was enough "meat" for her to appreciate it rather than to dispose of it quickly. There was a possibility she could ignore me, but would change her mind years later so I made sure she'd have a reliable way to contact me if that were to happen.

 

Fortunately, I didn't have to wait that long, because about a month later, I did get a reply from her. She was surprised but happy that I had reached out to her. She was confused about the break-up but told me she had no ill feelings towards me. So we started from there, cleared out things from the past and extensively updated each other about the current status in our lives. Obviously, we're not college kids anymore, we're an ocean apart and this is a strictly online interaction. But I know next time I'm in her neck of the woods, I can visit her.

 

So I'd say it's mission accomplished. If anyone else is in a similar situation, definitely try to patch things up.

[Frank13]

Thank you for the update.

 

I wonder if you two will become closer as time goes by, or if this has become closure for you both and you will simply drift apart.

[jeffmeyers]

Thank you for the update.

 

I wonder if you two will become closer as time goes by, or if this has become closure for you both and you will simply drift apart.

 

Still too early to tell, but if I had to guess, I'd say we'd drift apart. Closure is what I wanted the most and I got it. That doesn't necessarily exclude creating a new, more powerful bond but I think two things play against me: being a family man with responsibilities and the whole physical distance between us. Those two things also affected my other friendships.

[ajheart]

I had promised I would update people on this so I am doing this now.

 

I ended up waiting a little bit longer to write to her since I didn't like having to use Linkedin for this. No other options came so I relunctantly went with it. Linkedin didn't make it easy, restricting my access (and demanding money to simply email her), but after a few months, I was allowed to write to her and I did. I sent her a contrite, to-the-point yet very diplomatic message. I tried to make sure that even if she chose not to reply, there was enough "meat" for her to appreciate it rather than to dispose of it quickly. There was a possibility she could ignore me, but would change her mind years later so I made sure she'd have a reliable way to contact me if that were to happen.

 

Fortunately, I didn't have to wait that long, because about a month later, I did get a reply from her. She was surprised but happy that I had reached out to her. She was confused about the break-up but told me she had no ill feelings towards me. So we started from there, cleared out things from the past and extensively updated each other about the current status in our lives. Obviously, we're not college kids anymore, we're an ocean apart and this is a strictly online interaction. But I know next time I'm in her neck of the woods, I can visit her.

 

So I'd say it's mission accomplished. If anyone else is in a similar situation, definitely try to patch things up.

 

Awesome to hear! You make me think about some testy relationships I've had that I probably should patch up also.

[jeffmeyers]

Awesome to hear! You make me think about some testy relationships I've had that I probably should patch up also.

 

If you don't start topics of your own about it, you're free to bump this one with updates.

[preraph]

I'm not opposed to contacting people after long periods of time and haven't had a bad result from it yet either. I had a "lost decade" from a traumatic career loss and just disappeared on a couple of people. I had been a supporter and friends with a certain band and had the beginnings of a friendship or more with one and just fell into hibernation for a decade, during which social media came along and MySpace. He had a fan board, so I just wrote and said hi, wondering if he'd even remember me, and he did because I met him during his first year of AA while he was sober. Nothing really came of it, but he dedicated some lyrics and I wrote a blog entry about him and it was some closure and memories.

 

I also contacted an old flame after 25 years that was my big crush. I entitled the e-mail "People you never wanted to see again but always knew you would." He wrote back immediately. We met in a city and had a nice date and I got to relive and remind him what a cool guy he always was to me. Then he disappeared after 911. Think it just rattled him and refocused him.

 

So I'm not against reconnecting as long as someone isn't reconnecting with someone who only made them miserable. Glad yours worked out okay.