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Someone made mention in another thread about their xMM having nothing but female friends and that was a huge red flag.

 

My xMW had maybe one or two female friends but a wide array of male friends and said she just got along better with males. I recall my wife and a few other females saying that a woman who doesn't have female friends has issues and is a b*tch. Ironically, her H seemed oblivious, even while she and I hung out.

 

Im curious to know what other women think about this issue, would it be a 'red flag' to you or no big dea?. And fellas, what do you think?

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IfWishesWereHorses

I had a lot of male friends growing up but never more than I had female friends. Every woman I know thinks that women that don't have close female friends have some type of issues. I don't know if that holds true for men or not.

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imperfectangel

I don't have any close female friends, I definately have more male friends but I wouldn't call those close friends either

 

A lot of the girls I know, through work usually are so bitchy I just don't want to be around all that cattiness if I go out I want to have a good time not bit h about someone else's make up or how their dress fits them

 

Yes I have issues who doesn't but I don't judge people on being male or female if I click with someone we click that's all it's about for me

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Yes I do see it as an issue when a woman proclaims she gets along better with males or only has male friends. I haven't once seen a case like that, where there wasn't some type of issue there. Usually this notion is oh women are always jealous of them, too catty, blah blah so they have more male friends. The girls I know who believe this, like male attention which usually has some sexual tension in it. It is a form of ego feeding they get from this harem of males that they don't get from females...just like men with lots of female friends, they get a different type of ego stroking from all women than they would their buddies.

 

These women I know also have inappropriate boundaries with their male friends,so of course other women, especially the women these men date, don't like them. They don't realize that people don't dislike them/are jealous of them just because, it IS because they don't seem to have proper boundaries and I think there is just this intuitive feeling that something is wrong here.

 

Nothing just happens and if you are a male who can't get along with other males or a woman who "so happens" to only get along with men....then sorry, but chances are, you may have some issue that you don't realize you have that makes you averse to your own gender.

Edited by MissBee
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Yes I do see it as an issue when a woman proclaims she gets along better with males or only has male friends. I haven't once seen a case like that, where there wasn't some type of issue there. Usually this notion is oh women are always jealous of them, too catty, blah blah so they have more male friends. The girls I know who believe this, like male attention which usually has some sexual tension in it. It is a form of ego feeding they get from this harem of males that they don't get from females...just like men with lots of female friends, they get a different type of ego stroking from all women than they would their buddies.

 

These women I know also have inappropriate boundaries with their male friends,so of course other women, especially the women these men date, don't like them. They don't realize that people don't dislike them/are jealous of them just because, it IS because they don't seem to have proper boundaries and I think there is just this intuitive feeling that something is wrong here.

 

Nothing just happens and if you are a male who can't get along with other males or a woman who "so happens" to only get along with men....then sorry, but chances are, you may have some issue that you don't realize you have that makes you averse to your own gender.

 

Interesting indeed. I think before the A began, my wife picked up on this on xMW. She told me that when a long time friend had come down to visit my xMW, she ran to him and jumped in his arms and wrapped her legs around his waist. I didn't see this as I wasn't around, but my wife said it was not only inappropriate as xMW's H was right there, but showed her everything she already figured prior to the A beginning.

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Call me old fashioned but... I cannot imagine any husband or wife for that matter who would be entirely happy for their spouse to be hanging out with a friend of the opposite gender.

 

xMM had no friends outside of his family... maybe that was a red flag?

 

Happy Face.

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spice4life

I should have realized that my xMM had serious issues when all he talked about were his "female" friends. He even texted with his male friends wives. I have a lot of female friends and enjoy their friendships immensely. The only place I interact more with men is at work and it's just the nature of the beast. But, I get along extremely well with the women I interact with at work too. The only ones I am nervous around are the ones that I know are friends with xMM. I don't judge them, I just know he said horrible things about me to them. I don't think they realize that he was being untruthful to them about me.

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Call me old fashioned but... I cannot imagine any husband or wife for that matter who would be entirely happy for their spouse to be hanging out with a friend of the opposite gender.

 

xMM had no friends outside of his family... maybe that was a red flag?

 

Happy Face.

 

Excellent point. I remember my wife approaching me and telling me she didn't like the fact that xMW and I were friends. She said it wasn't right, the female should never make plans through the male, that all playdates should have been made through her and she asked me to stop being friends. I recall, scoffing and saying (yep you guessed it), we're just friends, nothing more, still unaware that feelings were building only I was too blind to see it, but those on the outskirts of the 'relationship' saw it all too well.

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I should have realized that my xMM had serious issues when all he talked about were his "female" friends. He even texted with his male friends wives. I have a lot of female friends and enjoy their friendships immensely. The only place I interact more with men is at work and it's just the nature of the beast. But, I get along extremely well with the women I interact with at work too. The only ones I am nervous around are the ones that I know are friends with xMM. I don't judge them, I just know he said horrible things about me to them. I don't think they realize that he was being untruthful to them about me.

 

How inappropriate! :eek:

 

I have guy friends, but all my really close friends are women. And the truth is, about 8/10 of my guy friends are guys who would have sex with me if given the chance, or who tried to date me before. In most of my friendships with guys there is latent sexual tension. They don't actively pursue me or I them, but I know that most of them think I'm attractive and it can easily become something else if we spent a lot of time alone or communicated a lot and built up emotional intimacy.

 

I like my guy friends because they're fun and they have a different energy and I like to hear the male perspective about some things from them...but I don't spend hours on the phone (except with one and we only do this like every few months), we don't spend hours texting, IMing, going out alone together etc. When they are in a relationship, I am even more cognizant of keeping everything transparent and above board. I can't imagine texting with my friend's husband!! That is so inappropriate to me. My rule of thumb is not to become too chummy with my friend's partners. I hang out with them when we're all together in a group and I am friendly then...but outside of that I have no reason to text or call them up or hang out with them alone!

Edited by MissBee
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whichwayisup
Someone made mention in another thread about their xMM having nothing but female friends and that was a huge red flag.

 

My xMW had maybe one or two female friends but a wide array of male friends and said she just got along better with males. I recall my wife and a few other females saying that a woman who doesn't have female friends has issues and is a b*tch. Ironically, her H seemed oblivious, even while she and I hung out.

 

Im curious to know what other women think about this issue, would it be a 'red flag' to you or no big dea?. And fellas, what do you think?

 

It isn't that a woman who is more friendly and has more men friends (married or not) is a bitch, it's more they NEED the attention a man brings into her life. She's either got a huge ego or she's insecure and needs men to fulfill her little ego needs here and there. Also, there could be trust issues, women friendships are more intense and upfront/honest, where as with men/women friendship there's a bit of flirtyness and fun, light hearted moments.

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How inappropriate! :eek:

 

I have guy friends, but all my really close friends are women. And the truth is, about 8/10 of my guy friends are guys who would have sex with me if given the chance, or who tried to date me before. In most of my friendships with guys there is latent sexual tension. They don't actively pursue me or I them, but I know that most of them think I'm attractive and it can easily become something else if we spent a lot of time alone or communicated a lot and built up emotional intimacy.

 

I like my guy friends because they're fun and they have a different energy and I like to hear the male perspective about some things from them...but I don't spend hours on the phone (except with one and we only do this like every few months), we don't spend hours texting, IMing, going out alone together etc. When they are in a relationship, I am even more cognizant of keeping everything transparent and above board. I can't imagine texting with my friend's husband!! That is so inappropriate to me. My rule of thumb is not to become too chummy with my friend's partners. I hang out with them when we're all together in a group and I am friendly then...but outside of that I have no reason to text or call them up or hang out with them alone!

 

Thanks Missbee. Ditto, ditto and ditto again to everything you said. My thoughts exactly!

Edited by spice4life
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Personally, I have one female friend (my BFF) and about 7 male friends (friends not acquaintances). I don’t consider it a big deal. I’ve had these friendships 10+ years. In generally, I find men more easy going, unlike women who seems to be more mean-spirited, gossipy, fake, and/or envious/jealous/competitive (at least the younger side), but I have no problems developing female friendships. I haven’t always had more male friends. As an adult, most of my female friends were other dancers. However, dancing is kinda a nomadic profession and many dancers don’t have stable lives. So over time, I lost touch with female friends, but stayed in touched with male customers that I had become friends with (even after I quit dancing).

 

However, I wouldn’t want to date someone with all/most female friends. I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag though. I think the red flag is more in how they interact with these friends, and whether they were long time friends or a constant stream of new friends. Also, I think it’s inappropriate for a married/attached man to maintain opposite sex friendships as if he was single either in secrecy, behavior, effort, and/or priority over his gf or W.

 

Sidebar, I’ve been misjudged by friends’ gfs before for no other reason than jealousy (and yes, it was jealousy) or other envious females (you can tell). It would really piss me off (sometimes as retribution, long story short, I’d give them something to cry). I’m even a little irked reading a couple of the posts thinking “typical bitches” (mentality, not directed at anyone here specifically). I don’t know. Maybe I’ve been more exposed to some suck a$$ people.

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Someone made mention in another thread about their xMM having nothing but female friends and that was a huge red flag.

 

My xMW had maybe one or two female friends but a wide array of male friends and said she just got along better with males. I recall my wife and a few other females saying that a woman who doesn't have female friends has issues and is a b*tch. Ironically, her H seemed oblivious, even while she and I hung out.

 

Im curious to know what other women think about this issue, would it be a 'red flag' to you or no big dea?. And fellas, what do you think?

 

No big deal. IME people befriend those they have more in common with. If your interests run to shopping and make up, you hang with girls. If your interests are string theory and Dr Who, you hang with guys.

 

It's also abot relating style. Guys are more direct, girls less direct, typically. If you can't be arsed to do all that indirect stuff it's easier to hang with guys. Also if you don't like bitchiness or petty gossip or discussing "will he call me." endlessly but would rather watch the cricket or talk about who you'd appoint to your dream Cabinet. Not every girl is interested in shoes and handbags.

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I also prefer men who have more female friends than male friends. It shows they are willing to embrace their "female side" and step out of stereotypes. I am not a "typical woman" and don't want a "typical man".

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No big deal. IME people befriend those they have more in common with. If your interests run to shopping and make up, you hang with girls. If your interests are string theory and Dr Who, you hang with guys.

 

It's also abot relating style. Guys are more direct, girls less direct, typically. If you can't be arsed to do all that indirect stuff it's easier to hang with guys. Also if you don't like bitchiness or petty gossip or discussing "will he call me." endlessly but would rather watch the cricket or talk about who you'd appoint to your dream Cabinet. Not every girl is interested in shoes and handbags.

 

I think just like you choose, often subconsciously, certain people for romantic relationships, so too do you choose your friends. It may not seem like a big deal...but it may reveal some pattern you aren't aware of.

 

I do find what you said to be very simplistic, in terms of if you want to talk about gossip etc you talk to girls and then theories and scientific stuff you talk to men (what???). My female friends are engineers, med students, lawyers, PhD candidates, etc. who can talk about regular "girl things" and then talk about the most meaningful as well as difficult subjects. None are babbling air heads who spend all day talking about handbags. Likewise, my guy friends are accomplished men who can talk about meaningful stuff then talk about absolutely pointless things that are sometimes very dumb or they spend a lot of time havign locker room talk, discussing sex and who they'd do.

 

I find it ironic you talk about stepping out of stereotypes, yet the caricature of women and men you made was nothing but stereotypical.

Edited by MissBee
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No big deal. IME people befriend those they have more in common with. If your interests run to shopping and make up, you hang with girls. If your interests are string theory and Dr Who, you hang with guys.

 

It's also abot relating style. Guys are more direct, girls less direct, typically. If you can't be arsed to do all that indirect stuff it's easier to hang with guys. Also if you don't like bitchiness or petty gossip or discussing "will he call me." endlessly but would rather watch the cricket or talk about who you'd appoint to your dream Cabinet. Not every girl is interested in shoes and handbags.

 

I also prefer men who have more female friends than male friends. It shows they are willing to embrace their "female side" and step out of stereotypes. I am not a "typical woman" and don't want a "typical man".

 

So, by your own reasoning, your posts suggest that you prefer men who are into shopping, makeup, and petty gossip. Why all the superficial stereotypes about men and women?

Edited by woinlove
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So, by your own reasoning, your posts suggest that you prefer men who are into shopping, makeup, and petty gossip. Why all the superficial stereotypes about men and women?

 

 

I prefer people who have a broader range than simply fitting stereotypes. It's allowed for people to have different tastes. I prefer men friends. That's my right, even if other women find that threatening.

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I prefer people who have a broader range than simply fitting stereotypes. It's allowed for people to have different tastes. I prefer men friends. That's my right, even if other women find that threatening.

 

Who finds it threatening? Is that another stereotype?

 

I find it interesting that reasons given from a few women who prefer male friends are that women in general have such negative traits. I wonder if it is some kind of self-projection -- if one loves oneself and loves oneself as a woman, how can one have such a negative view of women?

 

I have more male friends than female friends because much of my time is spent on activities that put me in contact with more men than women. However, I treasure the women friends I have and respect women in general. My life would be much less rich without women friends. I don't choose friends who don't have any substance, who behave poorly (whether "bitchy" or nasty) and that goes for both men and women friends. I don't see either gender having a edge on negative or positive traits or on shallowness versus depth and intellect.

 

As to red flags, I think one needs to look at the reasons for the mostly opposite-sex friends. In some (possibly, many or most?) cases one will find issues or red flags.

Edited by woinlove
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Someone made mention in another thread about their xMM having nothing but female friends and that was a huge red flag.

 

My xMW had maybe one or two female friends but a wide array of male friends and said she just got along better with males. I recall my wife and a few other females saying that a woman who doesn't have female friends has issues and is a b*tch. Ironically, her H seemed oblivious, even while she and I hung out.

 

Im curious to know what other women think about this issue, would it be a 'red flag' to you or no big dea?. And fellas, what do you think?

 

I think it is a HUGE RED flag and was just talking about it yesterday!

 

The question is why? Why wouldn't a woman have many female friends? Why wouldn't a man have many male frieds?

 

She/he is either not trustworthy, nor respected, or she herself feels threatened to befriend others of the same sex for some reason. What is the reason?

 

I agree with MBee that there is some issue, whether it be poor boundaries or needing the ego-validation of the opposite sex.

 

Band of brothers? There is Band of Sisters too!

 

I'm not talking of shyness here. Can women be catty and judgemental? Hell, yeah! Can men be competitive and judgemental? You bet.

 

RickFox, if I and the confident, resourceful and successful women and mothers saw a MW run and jump into the arms of a man, unless he was her long, lost cousin, we would have all the info we needed about her character.

 

She needs attention, lots of it, from men not her spouse.

 

Your wife is a very wise woman. I bet you wished you had listened to her.

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Rick Fox, PS: She also needs people to SEE how much attention she can get from men not her spouse.

 

Very, very insecure re: Her looks? Her "hotness'? How intensely she is desired by the opposite sex?

 

Huge red flags everywhere.

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I believe it to be self righteous to categorize all people into one lump sum. Yes, there are women with no women friends AND women with lots of women friends who are histrionics, need attention on a constant basis and are obnoxious in doing so.

Groups of friends are usually based off of colleagues, husband and wives, old college friendships in same area, work friends.

When a new person is introduced into an already set network, and there is no forced/expected friendships, like with colleagues social groups, a less attractive, friendly, woman will be excepted with no reservations, with open arms, and many times, a woman who is stunning in appearance, just as friendly, may not be excepted so willingly, because of insecurities of some women in that particular group. Just a fact.

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Someone made mention in another thread about their xMM having nothing but female friends and that was a huge red flag.

 

My xMW had maybe one or two female friends but a wide array of male friends and said she just got along better with males. I recall my wife and a few other females saying that a woman who doesn't have female friends has issues and is a b*tch. Ironically, her H seemed oblivious, even while she and I hung out.

 

Im curious to know what other women think about this issue, would it be a 'red flag' to you or no big dea?. And fellas, what do you think?

 

Yes, in researching affairs, I found it stated often, that a man who "has a lot of female friends" is a red flag. When I look at my friends with healthy, devoted marriages, they would NEVER be spending intimate time with someone of the opposite sex. It is a matter of honor & respect for their marriage & spouse. Everyone has friends of both sexes, from college, from work, from wherever. But, to always be spending private time with an opposite sex friend to me is a big red flag. I would never ever consider inviting one of my married men friends to a private dinner or lunch or to "hang out". And I am talking about close friends, where I've been the maid of honor at thier weddings. I just would never do it, I would never even think of it. And it would be quite peculiar to my friends as well. That doesn't mean we are not "good friends", that means there is a certain unspoken code, one doesn't cross that line with married friends.

 

 

So, yes, moving into the future, I plan to use this as another criteria to see if a man has appropriate emotional boundaries. I'm all for having friends, but I am also all for having the capability to honor your primary relationship. The "I have a lot of female friends" statement will send me running for the hills like my hair is on fire! I've already been burned once.

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alexandria35
No big deal. IME people befriend those they have more in common with. If your interests run to shopping and make up, you hang with girls. If your interests are string theory and Dr Who, you hang with guys.

 

It's also abot relating style. Guys are more direct, girls less direct, typically. If you can't be arsed to do all that indirect stuff it's easier to hang with guys. Also if you don't like bitchiness or petty gossip or discussing "will he call me." endlessly but would rather watch the cricket or talk about who you'd appoint to your dream Cabinet. Not every girl is interested in shoes and handbags.

 

So all guys are intellects with well rounded lives and interests and all women are bubble heads who are only interested in shopping and make up? Thats pretty strange because I've met some really stupid shallow men and some really intelligent caring women. But I know where you are coming from because when I was younger and all of my best friends were guys I used to say the exact same things. Women were boring, they were bitchy, they weren't as much fun as guys (way to put myself down eh? considering that I just happened to be a woman myself). I know now and I may have even known then that it was my own low self esteem and ego that made me feel intimidated by other woman. That's right. I was the one who was insecure, jealous and intimitated by women. But I was also young and hot so I hung out with guys to get my ego stroked and then accused all women of being shallow, catty, and jealous as my reason for rejecting them and choosing my male friends over friendships with my own gender. I was projecting my own lowly opinion of women and therefore myself onto my entire gender.

 

I think men who have mostly female friends are the same as I was when I was young. Deep down they are intimitaded by other men and feel like they don't measure up. Women give them validation and ego strokes that they can't get from men. Other men see through them and don't play into their games and manipulations the way women will. That's not a dig at my gender it's just an observation that women have a tendancy to feel empathy and want to nurture men when they have that 'woe is me' thing going on for them. Men expect other men to act like men (aka adults) while too many women will baby and coddle. Weak men don't like other men because they feel intimitated and exposed by them.

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No big deal. IME people befriend those they have more in common with. If your interests run to shopping and make up, you hang with girls. If your interests are string theory and Dr Who, you hang with guys.

 

It's also abot relating style. Guys are more direct, girls less direct, typically. If you can't be arsed to do all that indirect stuff it's easier to hang with guys. Also if you don't like bitchiness or petty gossip or discussing "will he call me." endlessly but would rather watch the cricket or talk about who you'd appoint to your dream Cabinet. Not every girl is interested in shoes and handbags.

 

I have experienced the exact opposite regarding my xMM. He was THE most indirect person I ever met and my female friends (very accomplished educated women) happen to be the most honest and direct people I know.

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