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Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 9th June 2012, 2:49 PM   #1
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Red Flags

Someone made mention in another thread about their xMM having nothing but female friends and that was a huge red flag.

My xMW had maybe one or two female friends but a wide array of male friends and said she just got along better with males. I recall my wife and a few other females saying that a woman who doesn't have female friends has issues and is a b*tch. Ironically, her H seemed oblivious, even while she and I hung out.

Im curious to know what other women think about this issue, would it be a 'red flag' to you or no big dea?. And fellas, what do you think?
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Old 9th June 2012, 2:59 PM   #2
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I had a lot of male friends growing up but never more than I had female friends. Every woman I know thinks that women that don't have close female friends have some type of issues. I don't know if that holds true for men or not.
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Old 9th June 2012, 3:05 PM   #3
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I don't have any close female friends, I definately have more male friends but I wouldn't call those close friends either

A lot of the girls I know, through work usually are so bitchy I just don't want to be around all that cattiness if I go out I want to have a good time not bit h about someone else's make up or how their dress fits them

Yes I have issues who doesn't but I don't judge people on being male or female if I click with someone we click that's all it's about for me
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Old 9th June 2012, 4:40 PM   #4
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Yes I do see it as an issue when a woman proclaims she gets along better with males or only has male friends. I haven't once seen a case like that, where there wasn't some type of issue there. Usually this notion is oh women are always jealous of them, too catty, blah blah so they have more male friends. The girls I know who believe this, like male attention which usually has some sexual tension in it. It is a form of ego feeding they get from this harem of males that they don't get from females...just like men with lots of female friends, they get a different type of ego stroking from all women than they would their buddies.

These women I know also have inappropriate boundaries with their male friends,so of course other women, especially the women these men date, don't like them. They don't realize that people don't dislike them/are jealous of them just because, it IS because they don't seem to have proper boundaries and I think there is just this intuitive feeling that something is wrong here.

Nothing just happens and if you are a male who can't get along with other males or a woman who "so happens" to only get along with men....then sorry, but chances are, you may have some issue that you don't realize you have that makes you averse to your own gender.

Last edited by MissBee; 9th June 2012 at 4:42 PM..
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Old 9th June 2012, 6:07 PM   #5
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Yes I do see it as an issue when a woman proclaims she gets along better with males or only has male friends. I haven't once seen a case like that, where there wasn't some type of issue there. Usually this notion is oh women are always jealous of them, too catty, blah blah so they have more male friends. The girls I know who believe this, like male attention which usually has some sexual tension in it. It is a form of ego feeding they get from this harem of males that they don't get from females...just like men with lots of female friends, they get a different type of ego stroking from all women than they would their buddies.

These women I know also have inappropriate boundaries with their male friends,so of course other women, especially the women these men date, don't like them. They don't realize that people don't dislike them/are jealous of them just because, it IS because they don't seem to have proper boundaries and I think there is just this intuitive feeling that something is wrong here.

Nothing just happens and if you are a male who can't get along with other males or a woman who "so happens" to only get along with men....then sorry, but chances are, you may have some issue that you don't realize you have that makes you averse to your own gender.
Interesting indeed. I think before the A began, my wife picked up on this on xMW. She told me that when a long time friend had come down to visit my xMW, she ran to him and jumped in his arms and wrapped her legs around his waist. I didn't see this as I wasn't around, but my wife said it was not only inappropriate as xMW's H was right there, but showed her everything she already figured prior to the A beginning.
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Old 9th June 2012, 6:20 PM   #6
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Call me old fashioned but... I cannot imagine any husband or wife for that matter who would be entirely happy for their spouse to be hanging out with a friend of the opposite gender.

xMM had no friends outside of his family... maybe that was a red flag?

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Old 9th June 2012, 6:20 PM   #7
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I should have realized that my xMM had serious issues when all he talked about were his "female" friends. He even texted with his male friends wives. I have a lot of female friends and enjoy their friendships immensely. The only place I interact more with men is at work and it's just the nature of the beast. But, I get along extremely well with the women I interact with at work too. The only ones I am nervous around are the ones that I know are friends with xMM. I don't judge them, I just know he said horrible things about me to them. I don't think they realize that he was being untruthful to them about me.
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Old 9th June 2012, 9:05 PM   #8
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Call me old fashioned but... I cannot imagine any husband or wife for that matter who would be entirely happy for their spouse to be hanging out with a friend of the opposite gender.

xMM had no friends outside of his family... maybe that was a red flag?

Happy Face.
Excellent point. I remember my wife approaching me and telling me she didn't like the fact that xMW and I were friends. She said it wasn't right, the female should never make plans through the male, that all playdates should have been made through her and she asked me to stop being friends. I recall, scoffing and saying (yep you guessed it), we're just friends, nothing more, still unaware that feelings were building only I was too blind to see it, but those on the outskirts of the 'relationship' saw it all too well.
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Old 9th June 2012, 9:15 PM   #9
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I should have realized that my xMM had serious issues when all he talked about were his "female" friends. He even texted with his male friends wives. I have a lot of female friends and enjoy their friendships immensely. The only place I interact more with men is at work and it's just the nature of the beast. But, I get along extremely well with the women I interact with at work too. The only ones I am nervous around are the ones that I know are friends with xMM. I don't judge them, I just know he said horrible things about me to them. I don't think they realize that he was being untruthful to them about me.
How inappropriate!

I have guy friends, but all my really close friends are women. And the truth is, about 8/10 of my guy friends are guys who would have sex with me if given the chance, or who tried to date me before. In most of my friendships with guys there is latent sexual tension. They don't actively pursue me or I them, but I know that most of them think I'm attractive and it can easily become something else if we spent a lot of time alone or communicated a lot and built up emotional intimacy.

I like my guy friends because they're fun and they have a different energy and I like to hear the male perspective about some things from them...but I don't spend hours on the phone (except with one and we only do this like every few months), we don't spend hours texting, IMing, going out alone together etc. When they are in a relationship, I am even more cognizant of keeping everything transparent and above board. I can't imagine texting with my friend's husband!! That is so inappropriate to me. My rule of thumb is not to become too chummy with my friend's partners. I hang out with them when we're all together in a group and I am friendly then...but outside of that I have no reason to text or call them up or hang out with them alone!

Last edited by MissBee; 9th June 2012 at 9:18 PM..
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Old 9th June 2012, 10:03 PM   #10
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Someone made mention in another thread about their xMM having nothing but female friends and that was a huge red flag.

My xMW had maybe one or two female friends but a wide array of male friends and said she just got along better with males. I recall my wife and a few other females saying that a woman who doesn't have female friends has issues and is a b*tch. Ironically, her H seemed oblivious, even while she and I hung out.

Im curious to know what other women think about this issue, would it be a 'red flag' to you or no big dea?. And fellas, what do you think?
It isn't that a woman who is more friendly and has more men friends (married or not) is a bitch, it's more they NEED the attention a man brings into her life. She's either got a huge ego or she's insecure and needs men to fulfill her little ego needs here and there. Also, there could be trust issues, women friendships are more intense and upfront/honest, where as with men/women friendship there's a bit of flirtyness and fun, light hearted moments.
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Old 10th June 2012, 1:54 AM   #11
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How inappropriate!

I have guy friends, but all my really close friends are women. And the truth is, about 8/10 of my guy friends are guys who would have sex with me if given the chance, or who tried to date me before. In most of my friendships with guys there is latent sexual tension. They don't actively pursue me or I them, but I know that most of them think I'm attractive and it can easily become something else if we spent a lot of time alone or communicated a lot and built up emotional intimacy.

I like my guy friends because they're fun and they have a different energy and I like to hear the male perspective about some things from them...but I don't spend hours on the phone (except with one and we only do this like every few months), we don't spend hours texting, IMing, going out alone together etc. When they are in a relationship, I am even more cognizant of keeping everything transparent and above board. I can't imagine texting with my friend's husband!! That is so inappropriate to me. My rule of thumb is not to become too chummy with my friend's partners. I hang out with them when we're all together in a group and I am friendly then...but outside of that I have no reason to text or call them up or hang out with them alone!
Thanks Missbee. Ditto, ditto and ditto again to everything you said. My thoughts exactly!

Last edited by spice4life; 10th June 2012 at 1:56 AM..
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Old 10th June 2012, 1:57 AM   #12
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Personally, I have one female friend (my BFF) and about 7 male friends (friends not acquaintances). I donít consider it a big deal. Iíve had these friendships 10+ years. In generally, I find men more easy going, unlike women who seems to be more mean-spirited, gossipy, fake, and/or envious/jealous/competitive (at least the younger side), but I have no problems developing female friendships. I havenít always had more male friends. As an adult, most of my female friends were other dancers. However, dancing is kinda a nomadic profession and many dancers donít have stable lives. So over time, I lost touch with female friends, but stayed in touched with male customers that I had become friends with (even after I quit dancing).

However, I wouldnít want to date someone with all/most female friends. I donít think itís necessarily a red flag though. I think the red flag is more in how they interact with these friends, and whether they were long time friends or a constant stream of new friends. Also, I think itís inappropriate for a married/attached man to maintain opposite sex friendships as if he was single either in secrecy, behavior, effort, and/or priority over his gf or W.

Sidebar, Iíve been misjudged by friendsí gfs before for no other reason than jealousy (and yes, it was jealousy) or other envious females (you can tell). It would really piss me off (sometimes as retribution, long story short, Iíd give them something to cry). Iím even a little irked reading a couple of the posts thinking ďtypical bitchesĒ (mentality, not directed at anyone here specifically). I donít know. Maybe Iíve been more exposed to some suck a$$ people.
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Old 10th June 2012, 3:02 AM   #13
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Someone made mention in another thread about their xMM having nothing but female friends and that was a huge red flag.

My xMW had maybe one or two female friends but a wide array of male friends and said she just got along better with males. I recall my wife and a few other females saying that a woman who doesn't have female friends has issues and is a b*tch. Ironically, her H seemed oblivious, even while she and I hung out.

Im curious to know what other women think about this issue, would it be a 'red flag' to you or no big dea?. And fellas, what do you think?
No big deal. IME people befriend those they have more in common with. If your interests run to shopping and make up, you hang with girls. If your interests are string theory and Dr Who, you hang with guys.

It's also abot relating style. Guys are more direct, girls less direct, typically. If you can't be arsed to do all that indirect stuff it's easier to hang with guys. Also if you don't like bitchiness or petty gossip or discussing "will he call me." endlessly but would rather watch the cricket or talk about who you'd appoint to your dream Cabinet. Not every girl is interested in shoes and handbags.
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Old 10th June 2012, 3:05 AM   #14
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I also prefer men who have more female friends than male friends. It shows they are willing to embrace their "female side" and step out of stereotypes. I am not a "typical woman" and don't want a "typical man".
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Old 10th June 2012, 3:24 AM   #15
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No big deal. IME people befriend those they have more in common with. If your interests run to shopping and make up, you hang with girls. If your interests are string theory and Dr Who, you hang with guys.

It's also abot relating style. Guys are more direct, girls less direct, typically. If you can't be arsed to do all that indirect stuff it's easier to hang with guys. Also if you don't like bitchiness or petty gossip or discussing "will he call me." endlessly but would rather watch the cricket or talk about who you'd appoint to your dream Cabinet. Not every girl is interested in shoes and handbags.
I think just like you choose, often subconsciously, certain people for romantic relationships, so too do you choose your friends. It may not seem like a big deal...but it may reveal some pattern you aren't aware of.

I do find what you said to be very simplistic, in terms of if you want to talk about gossip etc you talk to girls and then theories and scientific stuff you talk to men (what???). My female friends are engineers, med students, lawyers, PhD candidates, etc. who can talk about regular "girl things" and then talk about the most meaningful as well as difficult subjects. None are babbling air heads who spend all day talking about handbags. Likewise, my guy friends are accomplished men who can talk about meaningful stuff then talk about absolutely pointless things that are sometimes very dumb or they spend a lot of time havign locker room talk, discussing sex and who they'd do.

I find it ironic you talk about stepping out of stereotypes, yet the caricature of women and men you made was nothing but stereotypical.

Last edited by MissBee; 10th June 2012 at 3:27 AM..
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