Affair

[Gilly1967]

Can any one offer me any advice please.

 

One of my closest friends husbands recently told me he'd found out some time ago that my friend was having an affair, he'd tried to deal with it on his own and hoped it would fizzle out - it hasn't. I confronted my friend who owned up and I have made valiant attempts to persuade her not to leave her husband for this other man (she has young children). I have since discovered that she had told at least two other girls in our friendship circle. Part of the problem as I see it, is that because she didn't "let me in" on her secret, her husband (who is a good man and fantastic Father) pulled me into his camp, I also know him well and feel devastated for him, I know he still wants to save his marriage. She has involved the older children in her affair, they know whats been going on and so many people are going to suffer as a result - not least of all the children. My friend says she cannot see our friendship surviving, I assume she must feel that I've taken her husbands side - that is not the case, I just didn't know what to do, he has no-one supporting him. She has been in the other relationship for more than 2 years. I have tried not to go up the 'I feel so hurt' route and I do feel hurt, hurt that she didn't trust me, hurt that she told others and not me - I don't have a clue why this would be, I'd always thought we were so close, saw each other everyday etc. I've tried to persuade her husband to tell his family so he cold lean on them for support - I just don't know what else to do.....I feel so upset. I was/am also close to another friend who did know and its also ruining that friendship to. I've always told them everything - not that I've been having an affair, but my life had lots of ups and downs, money worries etc, things I wouldn't just tell anyone. Its all making me feel so sad

[JustJoe]

Sorry you feel bad, but you shouldn't, your "friend", should. What you have to figure out is whether or not you want this sort of person as a friend at all. She betrayed her husband, involved her kids in her cheating, and also her friends. I wouldn't want anything to do with such a person.

[woinlove]

I agree with JustJoe. Maybe the reason your friend didn't tell you is because she thought you would not approve and would try to discourage her from continuing on this path. Maybe she was just looking for people to tell her what she wanted to hear. That is not at all uncommon in affairs.

 

I'm sorry you are feeling bad. Affairs often have a long reach, affecting not only the spouse and children, but also also affecting relatives and friends. This is especially true when the involved person is insecure, trying to ease guilt, and looking for reinforcement for destructive behavior. The way your "friend" is carrying on her affair, it sounds like that is her. As you can see the deception required in the affair even extended to her circle of close friends and that is not unusual either. The ones she confided in almost certainly have had to keep her secrets, basically become part of her deception, perhaps even covering for her in order to purposely keep her H unaware of some things. Would you really have wanted to be in that situation?

 

I suspect the reason she says she cannot see your friendship surviving is because she cannot handle the reality of the situation and needs to think she is behaving better than she is and you are making reality intrude. To go along with what she wants now would compromise your ethics and make you suppress compassion for her children and husband. Maybe one day she will regret putting a good friend like you in that situation, but my guess would be that day is not going to come very soon.

 

This is a bad situation. All you can do is not compromise your own ethics, try to treat everyone with kindness, but if she or others are set on having bad behavior reinforced, you might have to withdraw.