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"Being this mans friend is driving me insane"


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

Old 16th February 2004, 11:17 AM   #1
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Angry "Being this mans friend is driving me insane"

Let's make a long story short. My dad passed away 2 months ago. Yes, I was the perfect picture of the "Daddy's Girl". Dad's neighbor, 70 yr old man, is the one who finally got him to go to the Dr. I felt as if I owed this gentleman something, because of (lets call him Charley), I got to spend the last two weeks of my dad's life with him.

I have thanked him, cleaned his home, trying to show my appreciation. I am now finding out that he is a control freak. He watches my home, calls when someone comes to find out who, why, when, & where. I have asked charley on several occasions not to but into my life. We have also argued about this. His response is, "I promised your dad on his death bed to take care of you", (This I do not believe), (My dad knew how independent I am) and of course my response was,"Your not my dad, stay the *&^%$ out of my life. THIS MAN DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THE WORD NO...

I came home one day and found him in my home. Startled, I threw him out. He constantly cooks steak dinners and invites me and my 11 yr old son up. He buys me stuff...I DON'T NEED NOR WANT THIS... HE DOES NOT LISTEN...
I had a boyfriend, and I broke up with him, cause he started to be controlling. I am a very INDEPENDENT person.

I do not need a man to take care of me. Nor do I need a nosy old-man up my hind quarters. Can anyone help with some suggestions that I haven't thought of yet? In short of selling my father's home and moving to bfe, I am at my wits end....

Desperately waiting someone's help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 16th February 2004, 11:30 AM   #2
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maybe it is true

Even though it doesn't seem likely to you,maybe your Dad, on his death bed (people can express things on their deathbed, things they otherwise wouldn't express) did ask this man to watch out for you. If you were "Daddy's girl", i'm sure on his deathbed he felt a sense of concern for you, that he wouldn't be around to look out for you, if nothing, at a distance. If this neighbor wasn't "up your butt" before, I find it unusual that he would suddenly now have such an interest in your life and well being, so it would seem believable that your father did ask him to watch out for you. Now that being said, perhaps this neighbor is taking it to the extreme because he feels a great sense of honor and responsibility to your father (were they good friends?) and he's unaware that he's crossing the line.

I would definitely get your locks changed. How did he get into your house unless he had a key?

Is this neighbor man married? Does he live alone? It's possible that he's just very lonely and misses your dad, too, and maybe now feels a new sense of purpose in life....to watch out for you. I'm just trying to get you to maybe consider where he's coming from.

I think you need to sit down with him (have someone else present if you feel more comfortable), not in your home or his....but in a semi-public place..and tell him that you are a very independent person and while you appreciate him looking out for you, you are feeling very smothered and harassed and that if you ever do need his help, you will ASK HIM, but he kindly needs to back off because you're growing very resentful of his in your face kind of hovering.

Make it clear that your home is off limits to him, and that short of a fire, he is not to ever enter your home uninvited. Be kind to him, though, but firm. It's possible he's also grieving the loss of your father and might be trying to cope with his grief and loss by turning to you.
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Old 16th February 2004, 11:41 AM   #3
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The guy's taking advantage of your circumstances to invite his way into your life. I think that's pretty f*cked up. Tell him to stay the f+ck away from you. If he doesn't listen, get a restraining order.
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Old 16th February 2004, 11:50 AM   #4
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1. change locks so that this man cannot enter your home freely (why did he have keys in the first place?)

2. politely decline invitations, regardless of whether or not he's already bought and cooked the steaks. "No thank you Charley. Next time you should ask before you put the steaks on the grill; but they'll keep in the fridge and you'll have nice meals for the next several days. Good night." Hang up phone, regardless of whether or not he's ready to end the conversation.

3. "I'm sorry, but that's none of your business Charley. Good night." Hang up phone, regardless of whether or not he's ready to end the conversation.

Stop interacting with this guy on his terms. You ask him to justify himself, he's got an answer, whether it's one you believe or not. Doesn't matter. You don't want to accept his overtures, so don't. You can't let yourself be controlled by guilt trips or someone's deluded sense of responsibility. Don't tell him to stop doing anything -- he'll come back at you with reasons why he must. Don't play that game. Just politely ignore him.
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Old 16th February 2004, 12:04 PM   #5
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Midori and amerikajin said it so well. The only thing I can add is that you are in charge of your life. Whatever obligation you may have had to this man is now over. He only has control over your life, to the extent that you give it to him. So don't.
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Old 16th February 2004, 4:42 PM   #6
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Does this guy have other family or friends nearby? It might be worth asking them for a little help (though they might take his side). It takes a certain kind of personality to behave like that. Maybe someone else who knows what a pain in the ass he can be will have some ideas on how to get him to lighten up.

But the others here have said it well. You've more than paid your dues with this wacko and if he needs to be threatened with something like a restraining order, so be it. You can't let his idiocy control where you live!
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Old 16th February 2004, 4:47 PM   #7
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That is creepy, he might be trying to get some a$$. Tell him to stay away, cause he is acting pretty shady.
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