Friends Who Don't Like You

[verhrzn]

I've run into this situation before, and it never fails to baffle me.

 

I became friends with a co-worker a few months ago. Over the months, we've chatted frequently, but lately our conversations have just disintegrated into nothing but arguments and fights.

 

The thing is... the guy doesn't seem to like me very much. He's constantly telling me to change. For example, I don't do well at parties. I'm an introvert, and spending a significant amount of time with large groups of strangers gets very overwhelming. My co-worker is a huge partier, and constantly telling me to just "relax and have fun!"

 

Or at work, he's always arguing with me about our team's management style. I define the style as being "team building BS"... for example, at the end of every meeting, we have to go a group cheer. I hate that stuff, so I usually try to slither out of the meeting early. Well, my co-worker has started kind of criticizing me, and telling me how I need to be more of a team-player, how I'm hurting my career, etc.

 

Heck, he'll even criticize the way I drive, because I didn't do a U-turn where he thought I should. ("This is another reason we could never date, your driving would make me crazy!")

 

Last week, he even made the comment that talking to me is like "walking in a minefield." I was especially hurt by this, and told him that nobody is forcing him to be my friend. If he doesn't want to talk to me, just say so, and I'll leave him alone.

 

He replied that "that wasn't what he wanted," but he's continued to criticize me. He doesn't even seem to like me very much.... so why the heck does he want to be friends??

 

Is this that whole social BS of "being polite" and not rocking the boat? If he didn't want to be my friend, that'd be fine with me, I'd just ignore him at work except in the rare occasion we'd worked together. No big deal.

 

I just don't get why this keeps happening... people who frequently criticize me and don't even seem to like me, but then won't just say so, and continue claiming they want to be friends. What do they expect, that I'm a mind-reader??

[verhrzn]

Whoops, wrong thread, requested mods to move it to "Friendship."

[darkmoon]

i get bossed at because i'm short, so i know it can happen, but while i used to try and fix the friendship, i'm more inclined to quietly be less committed to the friend, less chatty more detached and free, i say friend, but friends should be more entertaining than bossy, anyone needs fun

[carhill]

So, OP, provide three examples of this person being a loving and supportive friend.

 

Claiming to want is vaporware. Actions define people.

 

A potential life lesson here is that some people like 'collecting' people and demean those who allow it to raise their own self-image. Doesn't sound too healthy, does it?

[d'Arthez]

I just don't get why this keeps happening... people who frequently criticize me and don't even seem to like me, but then won't just say so, and continue claiming they want to be friends. What do they expect, that I'm a mind-reader??

Steer clear of people like this. Really, you have nothing to gain by staying around these "friendly" people. To people like this "friendship" is all about making themselves feel better by treating their friends poorly. With friends like these, you don't need enemies. The moment you say something critical about him, he will be "mortally wounded".

 

Keep your distance from him, and don't get too involved with him. Try other people, there must be SOME decent people in your office?

[verhrzn]

So, OP, provide three examples of this person being a loving and supportive friend.

 

Claiming to want is vaporware. Actions define people.

 

A potential life lesson here is that some people like 'collecting' people and demean those who allow it to raise their own self-image. Doesn't sound too healthy, does it?

 

Raise their own self-image? You mean, that they'll be friends with anybody, to make themselves feel they are somehow popular? I am always suspicious of people who "like everybody," because I think if someone isn't discerning in their choice of friends, it says something about their character (that they don't have much of one.)

 

Like, I've kind of looked sideways at my co-worker sometimes, because some of the people he surrounds himself with are, well, kind of dumb.

 

I always wonder if people like my co-worker actually like me, or just want to like me for the sake of having lots of friends.

 

Is that what you meant?

[d'Arthez]

Raise their own self-image? You mean, that they'll be friends with anybody, to make themselves feel they are somehow popular? I am always suspicious of people who "like everybody," because I think if someone isn't discerning in their choice of friends, it says something about their character (that they don't have much of one.)

That is a sensible mindset.

 

Having friends is good, but it is about the quality of the friendships. To him, the friendships serve himself (by making him feel better about himself, when he puts others down, and to have someone he can rely on when he is faced with a difficulty), and not the relationship between him and his friends.

[carhill]

I mean this particular subset of people like people liking them, thinking they're a friend, even while being demeaned by them.

 

Idea: Just tell him he's an insufferable prick when he's having another of those 'friendly' moments of demeaning behavior. You know, be friendly

[Feelin Frisky]

I lost my last "friend" last year and don't have any any more. We were "friends" since high school but there were a lot of things over the many years that made me question the bond. I found myself doing all the initiating over the last decade and a half and don't know if he would ever have called or e-mailed me. We were band mates at one time too but I think he took music too seriously although never tried to make it as a pro. I got sick of him apologizing for not getting back to me when I e-mailed him and just said "look, we're way past this apology crap and it's tacitly insulting to me as if you're busy all the time and think I'm just totally idle--that's how you come across". Well he didn't react right away but after a week or two he drank some and instead of making nice told me to eff myself. I don't forgive that. He had plenty of time to consider things and instead of trying to understand chose to curse me out and fault me for not knowing his brother died which I couldn't have known unless he told me. Screw it. As it was the "friendship" was nothing more than convenience when he needed a ride or something. Fooey.

[pink_sugar]

Avoid these people like the plague! I've had many co-workers kiss my butt and turn around and talk behind my back or tattle on me. Watch for the ones who seem to overly suck up to you.

[sb129]

Unfortunately some friendships aren't always beneficial to both people- if one of you is getting hurt and upset, it's time to move on. There will be other people to be friends with in your lifetime.

[SpiralOut]

I've had this happen to me. This type of person has low self-esteem and will try to raise it by putting someone else down. He wants to have you around so he can feel like he is better than someone.

[Els]

....are not really friends.

[Coffee20]

I have met some of these people before, I wouldn't call them friends.

These people have too low or too high self esteem, they just want everything to goes their way, just stay away from them.

[Leigh 87]

You want positive people around you. People who want you to better yourself and change things they feel hinder your personal development - because they CARE about you... Not people who pick at things, without sounding well meaning and concerned for your well being.

 

 

 

An example of a propper friend who likes YOU, more than they like THEMSELVES ( and their social status as a person that has " lots of friends")

 

- Hey, V. Ya know, your great, but you tend to do this ________________________ and I think it is holding you back from being truly happy. I am telling you because I want to see you happy"

 

 

.. Saying silly cr@p, about driving, and things they do not seam to care about ( but feel like commenting on negatively) are NOT friends - they are idiots with nothing better to do, than hang around people they do not particularly like.

 

 

It says more about them than it does about you. That they hang out with people they dont like, because it is b etter than being alone. Or - they think your OK, but they do not have many great people ( they fail to attract them, obviously), and therefore see you as a person they do not much like, but like enought o be around ( seeing as no cool people want to associate with them).

 

 

I know it can work for you. You will have your time if you truly want it. with real friends and decent guys:)