Friend Slept in Bed With My Husband

[BarbinCali]

So...I have a problem I need help solving...not sure if I am right or wrong in this situation so I'm reaching out to the unknown public... this is kind of a long story to bear with me....

 

I travel for my job, I'm gone about one week out of the month. Last weekend I left for a business trip to Chicago (I live in California). I have a group of girls that I hang out with fairly regularly, they know my husband from happy hours and our Xmas party, all but one (Stephany below) have never hung out with him without me present. One of them had a BBQ last Saturday, which I had declined the invite since I was out of town. They decided, after I left town, to invite my husband. One of the girls (Stephany) happens to have my husband's phone number (not even sure how this happened - she has texted him in the past to go work out with her and at the time she had a boyfriend - whom she broke up with 3 weeks ago). So this girl, whom I am good friends with but she's not my BEST friend, invited my husband to go to the party. I spoke to him that day and he told me they invited him, which I thought was odd, but told him to go and have a couple of beers if he wanted to. So...he did.

 

The next day I call my husband just for our usual hey how are ya call, and he said he was a bit hung over. Here's how the convo went:

 

Me: You sound hungover, have a good time last night?

Him: Yeah, Amy kept making me do shots....

Me: Oh, yeah she is a drinker. What time did you end up getting home last night?

Him: Uhmmm.....9AM this morning....

Me: You spent the night?? Where did you sleep??

Him: In bed....

Me: Who's bed?

Him: Amy's Bed...

Me: You and Amy shared a bed last night?

Him: Well...Amy and Stephany and I slept in Amy's bed

Me: WOW...WHAT? You three all slept in the same bed together??? (Hangs up phone and begins flurry of texting to him)

 

I was in the middle of a museum so I had to hang up before I started yelling. Now, one caveat here is that Amy is gay...but Stephany is the girl I mentioned above that a) Broke up with her boyfriend 3 weeks ago b) cheated on said boyfriend in Vegas a couple of months ago c) texts my husband on occasion to work out d) had an inappropriate relationship with a married guy prior to her ex-boyfriend.

 

Knowing all of this...I FLIP OUT. I am FURIOUS. Flurry of texts...I confront Stephany (I hold her more responsible than Amy...if you knew Amy you'd understand since she's gay and doesn't really "get" married relationships. Not because she's gay, because she's Amy.)

 

Now this girl, who was supposed to be my friend...is now pissed at me for basically confronting her about this and telling her that what happened was absolutely inappropriate. My husband also tells me that he woke up the next day and told the girls to not tell me that they slept in the same bed together (nothing happened I've been assured), and these friends of mine agreed to lie to me for him if I asked any questions. My husband told me the truth, which is how I found out, but had he not I'd probably still have no clue.

 

This whole situation makes me UBER uncomfortable, I have feelings of betrayal, hurt, anger, mistrust, etc. etc. I'm not sure if I'm just overreacting to this situation, because they all said absolutely nothing happened but sleeping. But still...I just feel like this was absolutely a betrayal of trust not just on my husband's part, but by my friends as well. How could they think this is OK? How could they not have asked me if I'd mind if my husband went to the party...where BTW, he was the ONLY guy there. 99% of the girls there are straight and single. So I'm now the ********* because I got upset and pissed and called them out on it? Stephany got super defensive, saying she can't believe i wouldn't trust her, or that I could think she could do something with my husband or try to do something with him. But seriously...she does have a track record. Which I've tried VERY hard not to throw in her face, but it really explains how and why I am SO uncomfortable with this. Pretty much all my friends and family have taken my side in this and said what they did was monumentally stupid. Everyone thinks I should cut out Stephany as a friend. By cutting out Stephany, I pretty much will ostracize myself from the rest of this group because they were all friends before I came into the group. I have plenty of other friends, but these were the closest geographically to where I live.

 

I am just in a very difficult situation, very sad because I feel like I'm not just losing one friend but my entire social circle because of this incident. And no one has really even apologized to me for it - they think what happened was totally fine. I don't know too many women that would be OK for their straight single friends (or gay for that matter) to share a bed with their husbands. I don't think I'm off base in this...but I just don't know how to handle it going forward. I even told Stephany that I was sorry for my reaction but that I am still expecting an apology and for her to take responsibility for their actions and she refuses to do so (very defensive as I said). I don't know...I just feel heartbroken and upset that not only has my trust in my husband been shaken, but that my entire group of local friends are pretty much gone because of these two girls stupid decision (as well as my husbands).

 

Thoughts? Am I justified for being upset? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

[midkirby]

Trust that nothing happened and trust your husband. But.....your friends are not friends if they will lie to your face. Most importantly, the Stephanie person would sleep with your husband in a minute. She has showed she has low morals already. If you take anything from this message, is to keep away from Stephanie and keep your husband away. She is trouble.

[crazylove]

Honestly...I'd be really pi**ed off if this happened and I was married. This behaviour is totally unacceptable. Maybe nothing happened...who knows...but your 'friend' ...I think you're right not to trust, given that she has a track record at this sort of thing.

I would be seriously doubting the relationship if contact between them continues after this.

[crazylove]

Just to add.... your friend not apologising for her behaviour, just emphasises she is no friend of yours and has no morals at all, and I can't believe your other friends don't see anything wrong with this behaviour. I wonder if the shoe were on their foot whether they would still think it acceptable?

[TripLine]

Trust that nothing happened and trust your husband. But.....your friends are not friends if they will lie to your face. Most importantly, the Stephanie person would sleep with your husband in a minute. She has showed she has low morals already. If you take anything from this message, is to keep away from Stephanie and keep your husband away. She is trouble.

 

All friends will lie to a friend for a friend. The fault goes to the husband.

[Art_Critic]

The fault goes to the husband.

 

Yeah.. what kind of married guy gets so drunk he has to sleep in another person's bed.. What was wrong with the couch ?

He made 3 mistakes in my mind..

 

Going out drinking without wife

Getting drunk knowing he had to drive

Not taking the couch, instead sleeping in bed with someone else.

 

The only thing good he did was tell his wife.. but he may have done that because his wife was going to find out anyhow.

[january2011]

I agree with your family, monumentally stupid.

 

I would cut off Stephany and Amy - you don't need to be a part of a social circle that you don't trust.

 

I'd also suggest that you take a deeper look into your relationship with your husband. He came clean, but as Art mentioned, he made a number of errors of judgement. Depending on how far you want to take it, perhaps even marriage counselling might be in order to catch this early before it spirals out of control.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah.. what kind of married guy gets so drunk he has to sleep in another person's bed.. What was wrong with the couch ?

He made 3 mistakes in my mind..

 

Going out drinking without wife

Getting drunk knowing he had to drive

Not taking the couch, instead sleeping in bed with someone else.

 

The only thing good he did was tell his wife.. but he may have done that because his wife was going to find out anyhow.

 

This pretty much sums it up. Your husband is the one who messed up and he made some pretty bad and stupid choices. Married people do NOT sleep in other girls (let alone 2! gay or straight) beds! Hello, this is something you give up once married. What he did was totally inappropriate though I give him kudos for telling you the truth. I'm sure he knew how pissed off you'd be, but he told you anyway.

 

As for your friends, especially Stephany, you don't have to 'end' the friendship with her as that will make the whole gang dynamic change but you can just distance yourself from her and not to go out of your way to talk to her..

 

She owes you an apology and she has to understand why you're upset and feel betrayed.

[Frank13]

Knowing your husband would be the only guy at a party made up of 99% straight and single woman and telling him he can go there and drink?

 

Sorry but I put 100% of the blame on you.

[Jethro]

You are directing your anger at the wrong person. Talk to your husband. Leave the girl out of it. I'm guessing she didn't force him against his will to sleep in that bed. I'm also guessing that no one forced the shots of alchohol down his throat. You aren't married to Stephany.

[BarbinCali]

I had no idea he would be the only guy at the party! I didn't know who was at the party. Besides that, I usually don't dictate to my husband what he can and can't do because up until this point, I totally trusted him and his judgement. I had also trusted my friends, but in retrospect the whole situation is just weird. According to him, he said he was going to sleep on the floor because all other couches and beds were taken and the girls "pressured" him into sleeping in their bed. Now he's a big boy and I totally agree that he should have said No to both the drinking/shots and sleeping in the bed. I hold him 95% responsible but they as my friends should have known better as well, had my back, and not even suggested he share a bed with them. Why I'm pissed at Stephany is that she refuses to admit/acknowledge that this crossed a line and thinks I'm upset over nothing, but I don't agree. Also refusing to apologize shows me that she can't be much of a friend to me anyways. This thing has gotten so messed up, she defriended me on FB but not my husband. I already told him that he is to cut off all contact with her and defriend her but this still hasn't happened yet. He thinks this will all blow over and we'll all be jolly good friends again, so he's obviously clueless!!

[BarbinCali]

On a side note, I've asked him to get counseling for his drinking. He's always been a drinker and it's been an issue I've addressed many times before for other reasons, never has he done anything like this before. But he clearly needs to get some help if he can't control himself from getting hammered I

A situation like this. Im not really the ultimatum type as I don't want to be on the receiving end of that myself, but I don't have the issues that he has either. The alcohol is clearly a problem if it impairs his judgement to this degree.

[KathyM]

Sounds like a bad group of friends to have in the first place. A woman (Amy) who purposely got your husband drunk and kept pushing drinks on him. A woman who had an EMA, (Stephany) and who is texting your husband to spend time with her and she ends up in bed with him. She has designs on your husband, whether she'll admit it or not, and she has no boundaries. Those are not good friends to have. Your husband may have screwed up as well, but those types of friends have to go. They don't have your best interests at heart.

[Lucky_One]

This is sticky for sure. The first thing that popped into my head was that your H (drunkenly (not given as an excuse)) thought "Holy crap YES - I am in bed with two women, one of whom is into me, and one of whom is into women. This could be very interesting!!" and waited to see what happened. This was, to be honest, many men's ideal fantasy right there.

 

If H continues to stay friends on FB with this woman and continues to be in a text/email/phone relationship with her, then there is trouble in paradise. Personally, I would be checking out the phone bill and his phone; I would be wondering if they were in contact after this debacle and how much/when.

[watsluvgot2dowitit]

I can assure you that you can trust your husband although he intended to lie:rolleyes:. He told you, that's a good thing. I believe he had no underhanded intentions at all...Stephany on the other hand is working on a scheme.

 

You guys need to cut your single friends loose. Birds of a feather flock together, you guys aren't single anymore, you're only asking for problems. Stephany is bad news and don't let her make you feel like you shouldn't be upset. This is a textbook strategy that all single female friends use when moving in on their friends man. They act hurt that you would think such a thing and then you re-evaluate the situation and begin to believe it's you and take your attention off of them and then boom, she's in and you're out. I'm not telling you to be a crazy always suspicious wife, I'm just saying have one eye open at all times. Observe. Always keep in mind that people are human and that even your best of friends would betray you. You allowed these women to get too comfortable around your husband.That is very bad. He should not be allowed to party with your female friends without you.I'm totally baffled as to why you gave the green light on this to begin with:confused:.

Edited May 23, 2012 by watsluvgot2dowitit

[midkirby]

I agree that your husband needs to be watched. Out of respect for your feelings, he should defriend her. The fact that he hasn't for whatever reason honestly is a red flag. I'm not saying that something happened but it sounds to me like he is curious about her and is enjoying attention from her. I can guarantee that she flirted with him and gave him the impression that she would. Be very cautious!!!

[climbergirl]

On a side note, I've asked him to get counseling for his drinking. He's always been a drinker and it's been an issue I've addressed many times before for other reasons, never has he done anything like this before. But he clearly needs to get some help if he can't control himself from getting hammered I

A situation like this. Im not really the ultimatum type as I don't want to be on the receiving end of that myself, but I don't have the issues that he has either. The alcohol is clearly a problem if it impairs his judgement to this degree.

 

You shouldn't have to make an ultimatum. He made a poor judgement call by going to your friends party without you in the first place. And I'm assuming he was sober when he made that choice.

 

Just my opinion, but having a drinking problem can impair ones judgement even when sober...if that makes any sense.

[Frank13]

I had no idea he would be the only guy at the party! I didn't know who was at the party. Besides that, I usually don't dictate to my husband what he can and can't do because up until this point, I totally trusted him and his judgement. I had also trusted my friends, but in retrospect the whole situation is just weird.

 

In your original message you said they invited him without you and you thought that was "odd". Well what was so odd about it if you had no idea he would be the only guy? Sounds like you still knew a lot of women there would be straight single ones.

[sally4sara]

The level of acceptability for opposite gender friends depends entirely on how above board and in earnest one can maintain these kind of friendships. Where one person would go to the party, drink responsibly and/or take the couch rather than the bed or get a taxi home, another will be irresponsible, flop into a pile with opposite gender friends of their partner and then ask said friends to lie to the person who they knew first and should feel some sense of loyalty towards to really be considered a friend.

 

But still, while friends are important, the person you took vows with to have each others backs should be someone capable of living up to a larger sense of loyalty and regard for you. Your husband failed at this. Sure he came clean later, but only after securing assurance that if he chose to hide his actions, YOUR so called friends would help him make that possible. What he did here was: do things he knew would bother you (otherwise he wouldn't even think to ask people to lie for him) and damage your friendships with two people who, only in 20/20 hindsight, were not worth having as friends. So while you're down two worthless friends, you are still legally tied to someone who's initial impulse is to piss all over your personal boundaries with no consideration for the fallout and personal drama that will come of it. Top it off with how if these two girls are part of your larger social circle, his behavior with them can infect your social life in an even larger way than just with these two particular people. He has no grasp of the larger picture or that you're even a part of that larger picture. No, its his picture and you're just part of the blurry background.

Ask yourself if this aspect of his nature influences other areas. Such as, do you often find him taking action or making decisions with an air of expecting you to just figure out how to accept it all after the fact? Do you often find yourself having to come to terms with things you would not have wanted to happen but must come to terms with anyway because you can't just stop dealing with him due to legal ties? If you do, you don't currently and never have had a real partner in him.

[gaius]

I'm usually not a fan of ultimatums but I might make one in this case. A big one, divorce maybe even. Your husband grossly disrespected you and is continuing to disrespect you by not unfriending Stephanie. Not only did he commit the original offense, now he's taking another woman's side over his wife. Are you usually a very nice person in real life? It seems a lot of people around you believe they can trample all over your boundaries with no repercussions.

[BarbinCali]

In your original message you said they invited him without you and you thought that was "odd". Well what was so odd about it if you had no idea he would be the only guy? Sounds like you still knew a lot of women there would be straight single ones.

As I said before, the only two people I knew for sure was going was Amy and Stephany. I didn't know who the other people at the party were. And my husband has hung out with Amy and Stephany with me present. I really don't see anything wrong with trusting my husband and my friends to know their boundaries, I thought it wasn't a big deal if he went and had a beer or two. The other thing you have to understand is that I travel a lot for my job. There's a certain amount of guilt associated with being gone one week out of the month and leaving him home by himself. He doesn't have as many friends as I do, and I feel bad for him being stuck at home by himself. When I initially gave my husband the OK, what I had in mind was him going to a backyard BBQ with a mixed group of people (I assumed there would be men and women at the party, otherwise why would they have invited him right???!!), have a couple of beers (but not so much that he couldn't drive), and go home. Unfortunately it turned into shots, drinking games, etc. and he drank so much he wasn't in a condition to drive. Honestly I probably still would have been annoyed that he stayed over and slept on the floor - but their decision to sleep in the bed like a friggin' girl scout camp is what set me over the top. I'm not a crazy jealous wife - my husband has other female friends that I have no issues with. I'm fine with him having these friends as long as he understands what his boundaries are. Which he's never crossed before this incident, but he also doesn't go out binge drinking with these female friends of his. I'm even good friends with his ex wife as is he, so it's really not an issue whether he has female friends or not. It's about the boundaries and judgement calls that he made that evening, and my friends not respecting me or my relationship to know that this was totally unacceptable. Hindsight is 20/20, if I knew then what I know now, there's NO WAY I would have told him he could go to the BBQ.

[Lucky_One]

I am like you in that respect. My H and I both do a fair amount of traveling for work (he travels a LOT), and if we are going to maintain any outside friendships at all, then one of us attends parties/cookouts/casual stuff alone. I bet 60-65% of our socializing is done singly. Neither of us seem to have any big jealousy issues, and so far, it has worked fine. There haven't been any big boundary problems yet, although I have been hit on by a couple of guys. I nipped it in the bud, I told my H, and we laughed about it; as a result of those things, I limit my interaction with those particular people, but I still go out.

[JustJoe]

Barb, you are friends with Steph, right? So you are aware of her track record with men, right? You knew she was calling your husband, while you were gone,( btw very inappropriate IMO) to "work out", right? She was the one who invited him, right? And NONE of this raised any red flags with you? With all due respect, I don't think your husband is as clueless as you think he is, nor as honest, he is in damage-control mode. At first, he tried to get your gf's to lie to you (by omission), then when you called he realized that wasn't going to work, so he fessed up. Personally , I think you both need to sit down and establish boundaries with regards to opposite-sex friends. This problem is BOTH of your faults. You for ignoring the red flags and him for his inappropriate behavior. BTW, your "friend", Steph, sounds kind of slvtty to me, and she definitely wants to eff your husband.

[BarbinCali]

Barb, you are friends with Steph, right? So you are aware of her track record with men, right? You knew she was calling your husband, while you were gone,( btw very inappropriate IMO) to "work out", right? She was the one who invited him, right? And NONE of this raised any red flags with you? With all due respect, I don't think your husband is as clueless as you think he is, nor as honest, he is in damage-control mode. At first, he tried to get your gf's to lie to you (by omission), then when you called he realized that wasn't going to work, so he fessed up. Personally , I think you both need to sit down and establish boundaries with regards to opposite-sex friends. This problem is BOTH of your faults. You for ignoring the red flags and him for his inappropriate behavior. BTW, your "friend", Steph, sounds kind of slvtty to me, and she definitely wants to eff your husband.

I don't expect you to understand, since you don't know this girl. She's not slutty, she doesn't sleep around, from outward appearances and my interactions with her she's a sweet midwestern girl that I actually related to because I grew up in the midwest as well. I don't have sluts as friends, believe me. She's made a couple of mistakes in the past with men, which is what I'm aware of and mentioned in these posts. We've all made mistakes, we're human, and it's not my place to judge her on her past mistakes that had nothing to do with me or my husband. This incident however, did involve me and my husband, and that's when I added up the entire history and said this is not a girl I want around my husband. It wasn't an issue up until that point - with the exception of the texting which I was uncomfortable with but my husband feels it's his job to help everyone and befriend everyone, so it wasn't all that surprising actually. It's so easy for people to cast judgement when they don't know the people we're talking about here, it's not that these are big red flashing neon signs that you can't miss. They are subtle, slight, and sneak up on you until WHAM - you're in the situation I'm in and you realize that it's more serious than originally thought. Don't go blaming me for what HE did, I did absolutely NOTHING WRONG. I came from a place of trust and love, I'm not going to live my life assuming everyone has it out for me and that I can't trust anyone, even my close friends. I don't want to live my life in that way, it's just not a very happy existence if you ask me. I want to trust my husband, I want to trust my friends, and I have many that I know I can trust and would never in a million years think that this situation was OK. I honestly thought that I could trust my husband, as well as my friends, to have a fun social BBQ. I wasn't crazy about the idea of him going, but I also believed that he knew his boundaries as did they (it really wasn't even a question in my mind prior to that evening). It wasn't until AFTER this happened that I started to add up everything in my head and realized that this friendship with Stephany couldn't continue and that I would never feel comfortable around her again based on her PAST history. As I said, before this, I didn't judge her because everyone makes mistakes and at the time she told me of these past indiscretions seemed contrite about it. After this happened, I had a come to Jesus with myself and realized that I don't want or need people in my life that I can't trust 100%. So, we're no longer friends. It's sad but I had to follow what my gut was telling me.

[crazylove]

Good luck, i'm sure you have made the right choice. It's a shame your friend and husband didn't realise where the boundaries were.