My ex-gf/friend is a runner...

[Gulf-Delta]

This is a rant, mostly, but advice might be cool too. How do you deal with people who run from anything negative?

 

My ex is one of these people...every time she is faced with discomfort, awkwardness, negativity, she runs. She ignores it, blows it off, runs from it, however you wanna put it.

 

We dated for 2 years and when we broke up, I joined this forum. I vented here, and ultimately have moved on. The split was pseudo-mutual (we just changed as people, wanted different things). We wanted to stay friends blah, blah, but I needed time, figured she did do, so I went NC, and now that things are better, I decided to contact her to get our friendship going again. Clean slate, you know?

 

But she won't see me. We talk and stuff, but she doesn't want to meet me in person. Knowing what I know about her, she's avoiding me to avoid an awkward conversation/situation/encounter. Now, some here will probably tend to say "She just hates you/has moved on/whateveR" but considering her BEGGING and CRYING to remain friends, I just don't see this.

 

An example of this "running" behavior came when her sister was pregnant. Her sis was under extreme stress, and had a pregnancy related, stress induced seizure. We got a call that nite from her mother saying sis was in the hospital, etc. My ex, obviously, melted down. Just uncontrollable sobbing...inconsolable. After she calmed down a bit I asked her if she wanted to go see her...she said no. She was afraid to see her sister in a hospital bed, etc. She just wanted to escape the whole situation and just WOULD NOT face it. There were other times when she'd have some insecurities about her looks, and just would not tell me what was wrong, until I convinced her she could trust me. Another time was right when the breakup happened (the day of) I said, after we cryed for hours on each others shoulders, etc. we needed to talk about later, but I needed to go for a walk. "Be here if you wanna talk about it". I got home and she wasn't, saying she couldn't talk about it.

 

This "running" has been a constant thread for the two years we were together. And honestly, I was okay with it, because, of course she was weary of trusting me (and I don't blame her because of a very ugly relationship she had before me), and because you accept flaws of people you love, and it felt good to be needed, etc.

 

Is this an actual "problem" or is it just a quirck? I mean, sometimes I'm afraid that she's gonna run to drugs or alcohol or something. I'm afraid for her because it seems almost like an illness, you know? I truly want her to be happy, but I'm worried that she'll never be happy if she goes into a shell and runs away from every obstaclt she faces in life...I'm not asking hoew to get her back, or relationship advice, I'm asking, I guess, if I should be concerned for someone I consider family?

Edited May 10, 2012 by Gulf-Delta

[january2011]

My first reaction is to wonder why you care so much. She's no longer part of your life and she doesn't want to be. She refuses to engage with you. Presumably, she's an adult and can make her own life choices.

 

While it would be easy to suggest that you just flick the switch and stop caring, I know that's easier said that done. However, I think that you need to stop trying to contact her. She doesn't want to listen to anything you've got to say and you can't force her. You'd be better off investing your energy in someone who is family and still wants to be a part of your life rather than someone who is doing everything they can to stay out of it.

 

Let her get on with her life so that you can get on with yours.

[Gulf-Delta]

My first reaction is to wonder why you care so much. She's no longer part of your life and she doesn't want to be. She refuses to engage with you. Presumably, she's an adult and can make her own life choices.

 

While it would be easy to suggest that you just flick the switch and stop caring, I know that's easier said that done. However, I think that you need to stop trying to contact her. She doesn't want to listen to anything you've got to say and you can't force her. You'd be better off investing your energy in someone who is family and still wants to be a part of your life rather than someone who is doing everything they can to stay out of it.

 

Let her get on with her life so that you can get on with yours.

 

Well, I care because she's my friend. I care about her well-being.

 

And I guess I'm just wondering why? Is it some kind of disorder or what?

[Emilia]

Could be part of some kind of personality disorder. When I started picking up consistencies in my ex's erratic behaviour, I did a bit of research and found out that he has Borderline Personality Disorder. When I worked it out it helped me a great deal with closure because until then I kept wondering what I should have done differently each time we had conflict and he shut me out (he stopped talking to me and disappeared mid-conversation every single time there was some problem).

[freestyle]

Well, I care because she's my friend. I care about her well-being.

 

And I guess I'm just wondering why? Is it some kind of disorder or what?

 

 

There is a personality disorder called Avoidant Personality Disorder---from what I've studied about it--it's a very difficult condition to live with---for the person who has it, as well as those who care about the person who has it.

 

There's a cycle that happens.....

 

The person with Avoidant Personality Disorder (pwAVPD) comes into conflict with something (an event) or someone.

 

They are unable to face it, and they retreat.

 

This causes hurt feelings for the people on the outside.Or, if it's an event, the problem doesn't get resolved, because the pwAVPD has run from it, instead of dealing with it.

 

The pwAVPD then feels shame---which leads to self-loathing---which leads them to wanting to isolate themselves even more.

 

 

Do a google search, and read up on it a bit.

[NateC]

I can relate to this...I have a friend who is (still) currently in a relationship where clearly the guy doesn't truly care but she's still head-over-heels for him and doesn't want to face the actual problems with the relationship. I used to be pretty involved with helping her, but I've backed off quite a bit since she doesn't want to listen to what I have to say...

 

It's very important that you think of yourself when it comes to handling over people's problems. If you can't support yourself so much as another person's emotional weight, then you shouldn't be carrying it.

[january2011]

Well, I care because she's my friend. I care about her well-being.

 

And I guess I'm just wondering why? Is it some kind of disorder or what?

 

It could be, but I'd caution against trying to diagnose her, especially if you're going to try to confront her with it. If she really does have a mental health issue, she needs to be diagnosed by a professional.

 

If she let you back into her life as a friend, then perhaps you'll have some leverage to guide her towards that. But right now, I don't think there's a lot you can do other than to try to find peace for yourself.

[Gulf-Delta]

It could be, but I'd caution against trying to diagnose her, especially if you're going to try to confront her with it. If she really does have a mental health issue, she needs to be diagnosed by a professional.

 

If she let you back into her life as a friend, then perhaps you'll have some leverage to guide her towards that. But right now, I don't think there's a lot you can do other than to try to find peace for yourself.

 

Yeah, it just sucks. I know she needs time.

 

I'm just worried for her I guess. I don't want her to flush her future down the drain, ya know. I want her to be smart about things...luckily, she has stayed with her job and school, so I'm grateful for that.

 

I just wish she'd realize all the people she's pushing away. Not just me, but her other friends as well. Since her and I split up, it's almost like she's avoiding me and all of our mutual friends because she's afraid it will be awkward or something.

 

Her best girlfriend (and my best female friend as well) has asked her if she's taking the breakup okay and everytihng, and she just says "yeah" and changes the subject real fast.

[Gulf-Delta]

There is a personality disorder called Avoidant Personality Disorder---from what I've studied about it--it's a very difficult condition to live with---for the person who has it, as well as those who care about the person who has it.

 

There's a cycle that happens.....

 

The person with Avoidant Personality Disorder (pwAVPD) comes into conflict with something (an event) or someone.

 

They are unable to face it, and they retreat.

 

This causes hurt feelings for the people on the outside.Or, if it's an event, the problem doesn't get resolved, because the pwAVPD has run from it, instead of dealing with it.

 

The pwAVPD then feels shame---which leads to self-loathing---which leads them to wanting to isolate themselves even more.

 

 

Do a google search, and read up on it a bit.

 

I definitly looked into that, and some of the symptoms fit, but only a few. For example, the shyness is present, but she gets over it fast with enough exposure.

 

Although the low self-esteem and self-image is totally her. I mean, there were night when she would just break down over her appearance. Even though she is gorgeous. I remember one night I was playing some music, and she came out of the bathroom looking HOT in this sexy lingerie, etc. I put down the guitar and said "let me write something down real quick" and she burst into tears and thought I was rejecting her She eventually got over this with time, and hasn't had a meltdown like that in a long time, but still

 

IDK, maybe she does have this. Like I said, some of the things fit, but other really don't. Like "self-impose social isolation" is not really an issue. She has isolated herself from people that involve me though.

 

Aye, I just don't know how to feel about it. In some ways, of course, she hurt me, and it was because of this behavior, but if she needs space okay. I'm just afraid this person is gonna run so much I'll never see them again, you know.

Edited May 12, 2012 by Gulf-Delta