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Jealous of BFF's new friend (or am I just too sensitive?)


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Hello everyone, I am in my 30s and have had a history of difficulty in making friends. I am naturally introverted and serious by nature, and would rather be at home reading a book than socializing. People always found me "nice" and "quiet" but apparently not all that interesting, so I just kept a lot to myself for years and felt something was fundamentally wrong with me or my personality.

 

Anyway, within the last year, I met a wonderful friend online through a website dedicated to a mutual hobby. We quickly achieved a level of closeness and understanding beyond anything I had ever experienced. We are both married (she happily, me, not so much) and neither of us has children. We are both creative, introspective people and value in-depth conversation. She has somehow managed to 'figure me out' in a way that is refreshing (to finally be understood!) but sometimes disconcerting (am I *that* easy to read?).

 

Things went smoothly for quite awhile, but in the last couple of months, we've hit some snags in our relationship. Basically, she can be very judgmental and makes a lot of presumptions about me and my life, though we have yet to meet in person. She said that she still loves me as a friend but doesn't know how close we can truly be, because some of the things she thinks I value to a greater extent than she does don't sit well with her. (She has said there are times she finds me materialistic, shallow and self-centered).

 

She acknowledged the intensity of our friendship in the months previous was something like "puppy love" or an "infatuation" and that what she had seen as "cute" about me later become annoying to her, so she pulled away a bit. Despite our common interests, she says she often "doesn't get" me and my way of thinking, and while she 'doesn't like anyone better' --(out of her other friends, both in real life and online) --than me, that she just doesn't know if what she sees as the 'true' me is someone with whom she can be a 'best friend.'

 

Needless to say, this hurt me a great deal because it seemed to come out of nowhere, but apparently it had been on her mind for some time. To twist the knife further, so-to-speak, she has recently made another online friend on our hobby bulletin board, and I have "sat in" on their chat conversations but rarely feel I can contribute, because they are so "in-tune' with each other and the conversation just flows. They have a great deal in common, as well, and similar interests in things both significant and quirky. Their personalities are also similar, their wits razor-sharp and intelligence in lockstep. When in their presence, I feel like a third wheel and their conversation just hums along and no one seems to notice I'm not contributing.

 

I know it's juvenile to feel jealous in a situation like this; I have been friends with her for over a year now, and she has told me repeatedly that her connection to me is stronger than any other friends she's had in years --but yet, with our recent emotional run-ins and disillusions about one another, I can't help but wonder if this new friend is really more of what she needs or desires in a BFF than what I have to offer. Only she can answer that, of course, but I was just shaking my head in amazement recently as I read paragraph after paragraph of shared interests and views on life with this new friend. It's like she's met her long-lost twin.

 

So, obviously, I'm feeling at a loss here and wonder if this friendship is as strong as I wanted it to be --either that, or I'm just too sensitive (I've been told the latter before). I have so few genuine friends that when I do find someone with whom I feel particularly connected emotionally, I tend to latch on, and maybe not in a healthy way. Maybe my neediness, whether vocalized or not, is turning her away as much as the 'faults' she sees in me. Has anyone else gone through a situation like this? Any perspective would be most welcome.

Edited by averelle
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on-line friendships are only in cyberspace and what you wrote made me see how surreal cyberspace is if you want real friends maybe on-line is just about the surreal

 

one question -

 

would you find her words ok face-to-face? this is the dealbreaker of Netiquette, being nice/polite on-line and i do see much Netiquette from her, so to me imho i'd say goodbye

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  • 2 weeks later...

Despite it being an online relationship, I think it still means a lot.

 

If her judgements towards you are made out of honesty, you should be honest about what you think as well - both about yourself, so if you think she's wrong, tell her, and about her. You should be able to tell her you don't like sitting in with her and her new friend, and how it makes you feel. Maybe she'll understand that you'd be better off having convo's with just the two of you and keep it that way.

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