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why friends so hard to make and hard to keep?


Brees0900

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january2011

I find that as I get older, the more set in my ways I become. I'm less likely to be flexible when it comes to friendships that are too difficult to maintain.

 

And people's lives change so much that it's easy to grow apart and find that you have nothing in common anymore.

 

I envy people who are able to maintain friendships from childhood well into adulthood.

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Most of my best friends are ones I've had since I was a kid & a couple of them & I have drifted apart & back together as marital statuses or children's ages differed.

I guess that's pretty much what quickjoe & January just said :)

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Maintaining friendships takes work, and time. People, on the whole, don't make as much time for others. There are too many distractions.

 

Yea I'm trying so hard to get some of my frnds back but it aint easy to do u know. Its like we just stop talking for no reason. I sent a guy a message on fb & he replied pretty fast so now I'm trying to see if we do a little bit of hanging out next week u know.

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Can I Change

People do come and go.

 

I'm greatful for my heavy's (ie big wig read Great friends) some of which who,

without animosity really don't want to see me anymore (we've done our thing.)

 

We've seen the world and even paid some bills.

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It's normal ---the older you get.

 

I've had to learn to reframe my expectations of friends, as well as how to weed out the friendships that are too lopsided.

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Yeah... i find that too.

 

Most people seem to be zooming around at high speed with 100 tasks on their to-do lists involving work, self, spouse, kids, in-laws, shopping, self, religion, etc and when anyone ever gets a real day off, catching up on sleep is preferred over catching up with friends.

 

I look around at my friends and their super-hectic lives, they don't even have time for themselves???

 

Catching up with people is getting more & more digitalized - FB, texting, Twits ... sadly cannot replace pre-tech days of having tea and talking face to face for hours. Convenient yet so impersonal.

 

The world is changing too fast. :(

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I totally know what you mean. I have just come out of a 7yr relationship with a handful of really good friends and a heck load of aquaintances. Yet at 22, I am finding it so hard to connect with people it's like I have lost all social skills :( Sucks bigtime!

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My DD21 has this problem and this year at college she followed my advice: strike up conversations with people you think you might have something in common with. If they reciprocate, that means they're looking for friends, too. If it goes further, hold back on being the Giver, i.e. offering to give them a ride or buy them lunch (in case they are a User looking for dumb Givers) for a while and see if they still talk to you the next time. If they do, they may be good friend material.

 

It sounds like work because it is! Friends don't instantly appear. You have to put some thought into who you're putting effort into. There's a reason they call it 'cultivating a friendship.'

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btw, this year, her third at college, she has now made a really good friend and they are going to roommate next year.

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My DD21 has this problem and this year at college she followed my advice: strike up conversations with people you think you might have something in common with. If they reciprocate, that means they're looking for friends, too. If it goes further, hold back on being the Giver, i.e. offering to give them a ride or buy them lunch (in case they are a User looking for dumb Givers) for a while and see if they still talk to you the next time. If they do, they may be good friend material.

 

It sounds like work because it is! Friends don't instantly appear. You have to put some thought into who you're putting effort into. There's a reason they call it 'cultivating a friendship.'

 

That is a good nugget of information about holding off on offering to do a small favor,good way to avoid a leach. Sometimes imo a good friendship can start off by accident and just creep up on us. She also lucky that she young and in college,it does get hardier was we get older.

 

It's hard to make new friends especially as we get older but your advice is a good way to make new actquainctes atleast,who knows one them might turn in to a friend. It's also important to try to call our old friends,even if its just a quick call checking up on each other . An old friend on mine works like a mad man and has a stressful family life. I admire the fact that he call me even if it's once a month to check in.

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There's a company called Events and Adventures that sets up activities in a lot of major cities, just for singles. It's not dating, it's doing things you like to do, so that you can meet people, either for friends or as future dates. Check out their website. If you're not near their cities, maybe they'll start one up near you.

Events And Adventures is the Club for singles - with singles events in Dallas, San Francisco, Houston, Phoenix, Vancouver BC, Seattle and Minneapolis

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It seems like you will meet alot of acquaintances, but very little real friends

 

Brees, we're connecting on the same spirit tonight. I was just about to post a topic similar to this here.

 

I dunno what happened, but in the past 1.5 year or so, I have gone from having quite a few "friends" to merely having just acquaintances. Relationships do take work to cultivate and maintain, and I feel honestly, unless I deeply connect with them, I'm just too lazy, lol.

 

The older I get, the more I find I'm enjoying my alone time. Of course, I need to meet up with friends at least once if not twice a week, but I honestly don't mind the odd solo Friday night here or there.

 

However, I would definitely like to find a stronger, more consistent, similarly-aged group of friends. Friendships enrich one's life greatly, and I do feel like I've missed out some in the past 1.5 years. While I do enjoy bumming it at home on a Saturday night in my PJs playing games, watching a movie, surfing the net, exercising, reading etc. part of me does wish I had a small niche group of GOOD friends I could just go out with and chat it up with.

 

Honestly, I don't really have that. Most of my friend meet ups are 1 on 1 and that is vastly different from hanging out in (small) groups.

 

I'm hopeful for the future though. I'm currently trying to arrange an early Sunday morning hike with some old church friends. Two responded favorably so it looks like we might be able to launch some sort of monthly group hike followed by carpooling to our local church service. That'd be great :)

 

So yeah. I feel ya Brees. Oh, one weird thing I've noticed is when I do hang out with acquaintances, I often find myself looking forward to 10-11 PM when I know the evening comes to a close and I can drive home. I didn't used to feel that way too much, but I'm finding the older I get, the more of a homebody I'm becoming.

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